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This post originally appeared onÂ www.edumundcase.comÂ and is reprinted with permission.
The interfaith marriage news since the High Holidays has continued to be positive for the most part. I was especially pleased to read Rabbi Micah Streifferâ€™sÂ Yom Kippur sermonÂ announcing that he was going to start officiating at weddings for interfaith couples. I say â€śespeciallyâ€ť because Rabbi Streiffer is in Toronto, Canada and as far as I know he is the first Reform rabbi there to officiate. I remember many years when InterfaithFamily was not able to refer people in Toronto to any â€śmainstreamâ€ť rabbis, so this is a welcome breakthrough.
I also say â€śespeciallyâ€ť because Rabbi Streiffer cites the Yom Kippur morning Torah portion in which Moses says that everyone present is entering into the covenant with Godâ€”and Rabbi Streiffer explicitly says that includes â€śtheÂ ger,Â the non-Jew.â€ť Thatâ€™s an argument I first made back inÂ 2000. Itâ€™s very affirming to have a rabbi endorse of that view. Itâ€™s an exemplary inclusive sermon that is well worth reading.
A second great item was an article by InterfaithFamilyâ€™s Stacie Garnett-Cook,Â Interfaith Inclusion: One Year to Lasting Change,Â who asked, â€śWhat should an organization actually do to become more inclusive? Many organizations say that they are welcoming, but do our actions and words match our intentions?â€ť InterfaithFamilyâ€™s new Interfaith Inclusion Leadership Initiative (IILI), modeled on the Keshet Leadership Project and funded by the Covenant Foundation, supports leaders in organizations who create and implement action plans to accomplish those goals. The article describes the program design and underlying theory, as well as the organizations that participated in the first year.
The importance of being truly inclusive in attracting and engaging interfaith families in Jewish life and community canâ€™t be over-estimated. I hope many more Jewish organization will seriously consider participating in this initiative.
I was honored to be included in Moment Magazineâ€™s Symposium,Â Is Intermarriage Good for the Jews?Â (If you want to know how I looked at 24, take a look at my wedding photo â€”my 7-year-old grandson said I looked â€śyoungâ€ťâ€”and I assure you that the tie I was wearing was very fashionable at the time!) Marilyn Cooper did a great job putting together very diverse views; reading all of them carefully left me feeling, well, that there are very diverse views. I was the only person who actually said there are many strong arguments why interfaith marriage is good for Jews. Keren McGinity also expressed a positive view:
Provided that intermarried Jews and their families are treated equally as inmarried families, and that Jewish education is accessible and engaging, intermarriage can be an opportunity for Jews and their loved ones to draw closer to Judaism and the Jewish community.
Several contributors, including Bob Davis, A. J. Jacobs and Naomi Schaefer Riley, saw increased tolerance as a positive impact of interfaith marriage. Rabbis Matalon and Lau-Lavie, who are pushing the Conservative movementâ€™s boundaries on officiation, offer very realistic assessments that I thought were optimistic about engaging interfaith families Jewishly.
But there were several expressions of quite negative views. In upholding the movementâ€™s ban on officiation, I respectfully think Rabbi Elliot Dorff, chair of the Conservative movementâ€™s Committee on Jewish Law and Standards, is wrong to say that officiating at interfaith marriages does not help the Jewish people, and that â€śReform rabbis have been doing this for quite a while and, for the most part, they have not succeeded in convincing the intermarried couples to be actively Jewish.â€ť I think that is an untenable position givenÂ the research Iâ€™ve mentioned many timesÂ that shows correlation between officiation and later synagogue membership and raising children as Jews.
Two Orthodox perspectives insisted on opposing interfaith marriage, one saying â€śintermarriage is heartbreaking.â€ť Sarina Roffe was most extreme: â€śEvery time someone marries out, a whole generation of Jewish people is gone.â€ť She comes from the Syrian Jewish community, which she says rejects not only those who intermarry, but even those who marry Orthodox converts.
I was puzzled by Elisha Wiesel, son of Elie Wiesel, who says that if he had intermarried, â€śexperiences that I currently derive tremendous meaning from would be missing.â€ť I say puzzled because there is no reason why the experiences he mentionsâ€”saying Kaddish for a parent, preparing a son for his bar mitzvah, and watching a daughter learn Hebrew â€”have to be missing in intermarried families.
TheÂ ForwardÂ also publishedÂ We asked 22 rabbis: Is intermarriage a problem or an opportunityÂ which offered a not dissimilar set of diverse views. Susan Katz Miller had anÂ interesting takeÂ on the piece, criticizing the sample for being half Orthodox rabbis (when the Orthodox are 10% of the population) and only two Reform, and the â€ścorrosiveâ€ť content of many of the responses. She correctly points out that interfaith families reading many of the opinions will not feel welcomed or included.
I was struck, however, by responses from two wonderful Orthodox rabbis, Shmuly Yanklowitz and Avram Mlotek, who did emphasize inclusivity. Rabbi Yanklowitz said, â€śWith the proper inclusive programming and outreach opportunities, there are ways to make interfaith families feel welcome in the community, which will, in turn, spark interest in creating and perpetuating loving Jewish households.â€ť Rabbi Mlotek said, â€śIf our Jewish communities seek to be relevant religious centers for the 70% of American Jews who choose to intermarry, it is incumbent upon us to welcome these families unabashedly and work with them as they strive to build Jewish homes.â€ť
Finally in the continuing discussion about Conservative rabbis and officiation, there is items.Â Letter Reignites Interfaith Officiation DebateÂ refers toÂ a letter by four Conservative leadersÂ that re-affirms the ban on officiating for interfaith couples, but does talk at length about welcoming them.Â Conservative Jewish Leaders Are Endangering Their BrandÂ is an opinion by Roberta Rosenthal Kwall who objects to the letterâ€™s statement that the intermarried should be welcomed with â€śequally open arms.â€ť Kwall wants to retain the Conservative brandâ€™s strong preference for in-marriage â€” thatâ€™s a non-inclusive approach that I believe can only lead to decline.
This post originally appeared onÂ www.edumundcase.comÂ and is reprinted with permission.
Alongside theÂ negative comment about officiation in the Conservative world, there has been some positive commentary and news about officiation and interfaith marriage.
Naomi Schaefer Riley has anÂ interesting take on the Conservative debate, focusing on the Bâ€™nai Jeshurun decision to officiate if the couples promise to raise their children Jewish. Echoing Keara Stein, she says
If thereâ€™s one thing that drives intermarried couples around the bend, itâ€™s the fact that the same rabbis who refuse to marry them because one spouse isnâ€™t Jewish will turn around a few years later and push them to send their children to the synagogue preschool. In my interviews [for her book on interfaith couples], this practice is commonly labeled â€śhypocriticalâ€ť by those affected by it.
Riley makes the interesting observation that the Catholic church used to require the non-Catholic spouse to promise to raise children Catholic, but decided it couldnâ€™t in good conscience make that request, and changed its policy. She says that Jewish leaders â€śhave no standing to demand that a non-Jewish spouse do anything at all.â€ť Despite that, Riley does think the Bâ€™nai Jeshurun policy will lead interfaith couples to have an important discussion before they marry about how they will raise future children.
In my view, one of the most important things Jewish communities can do to engage interfaith couples â€“ after ensuring that they can have a positive experience finding a rabbi to officiate at their wedding â€“ is to foster just those kinds of discussions in groups or meet-ups for interfaith couples. So I was pleased to see, in the midst of all the debate about officiation, anÂ excellent article in theÂ Boston GlobeÂ about Honeymoon Israel, an excellent program that fosters those kinds of discussions within the context of a heavily-subsidized trip to Israel. The article quotes Avi Rubel, co-founder, as viewing interfaith marriages not as a loss â€“ â€śItâ€™s not a minus one, itâ€™s a plus one.â€ť
Rubel says Honeymoon Israelâ€™s goal is not to convert couples or convince them to raise Jewish children, but â€śto empower the couples who go on the trip to question those things.â€ť Sixty percent of the couples who take the trip are interfaith, including the author of the article, who writes that a few months after the trip, her group â€śhad settled into a pattern of Friday evening Shabbat dinners with our new friends.â€ť This is very important. It shows whatâ€™s possible when interfaith couples are welcomed with positivity and trusted to work out their prospective Jewish engagement with other interfaith couples.
After officiation and discussion groups often come interfaith families with young children â€“ and thereâ€™sÂ positive news from PJ Library, one of the most important Jewish engagement programs ever. PJ commissioned an evaluation of its impact on families based on 25,270 responses to a survey, and 45 interviews. They highlight that 28Â percent of the families receiving PJ books and materials are interfaith familiesÂ and that interfaith families report even more favorable influence than families that are solely Jewish â€“ for example, 89 percent of interfaithÂ families say PJ has influenced their decision to learn more about Judaism, compared to 67Â percent of families that are solely Jewish. The evaluation includes selected quotes from respondents; several highlight interfaithÂ families, including one that explains how the books help the parent from a different faith tradition learn about Judaism. It is refreshing to read an evaluation report that says it is â€śexcitingâ€ť to see interfaith families reporting enjoyment and use of the books equally or more than the aggregate.
One of the reportâ€™s conclusions is that â€śthere is room to grow the program among â€¦ intermarried familiesâ€ť and that PJ needs to expand efforts to reach more of the less-connected, less-affiliated families. I very much hope that PJ does that. Itâ€™s interesting that PJâ€™s influence is greater within the home; other studies have found that interfaith families are more comfortable engaging in Jewish life at home with their family than in more public, organized settings. The report notes that PJ traditionally has reached families through organized institutions such as synagogues, Federations, or JCCâ€™s; thatâ€™s not where interfaith families tend to be. The report notes that interfaith families tend to have a lower level of Jewish engagement than families that are solely Jewish; their scale of Jewish engagement awards points for having children in several Jewish education sessions, belonging to or participating in a synagogue, donating to a Jewish charity, having mostly Jewish friends, and feeling it very important to be part of a Jewish community; again, these are factors favoring Jewish engagement in public settings.
The report also contains a seed of explanation as to why interfaith families are less engaged. While some families want to see more diversity in the types of families represented in the books â€“ with one quote from a respondent explicitly saying â€śmore cultural booksâ€¦ more related towards interfaith-style families would be amazingâ€ť â€“ other families do not want this type of diversity, with one quote saying â€śWe value traditional values and have had to screen some of the books out as not appropriate for our children.â€ť Itâ€™s very clear to me that the continuing negative attitudes many Jews express about interfaith marriages are related to interfaith familiesâ€™ lesser Jewish engagement, in both public settings and at home. But I applaud PJ Libraryâ€™s efforts which over time can lead to a change in that dynamic.
After young interfaith families often come bâ€™nai mitvah, and the Arizona Jewish Post hasÂ a very sweet storyÂ about two familiesâ€™ wonderful experiences at Temple Emanu-El in Tucson. One family had a father and son bar mitzvah â€“ the fatherâ€™s mother was not Jewish, he was raised Jewish but didnâ€™t have a bar mitzvah, he and his son converted before the bar mitzvahs â€śto confirm their identity.â€ť The fatherâ€™s wife/boyâ€™s mother is not Jewish but experienced Judaism to be welcoming; the father says without her support, he wouldnâ€™t have been able to do it. The other family included a Jewish mother from the FSU, married to a man named Bernstein who had a Jewish father but was raised Catholic; the father says, â€śIâ€™m still Catholic, but I love being a member of Temple Emanu-El. Iâ€™m Jewish culturally and by identity. That works.â€ť The son says, â€śThe tradition was in my family, but it got lost. There was this connection with Judaism that was renewed when I had my bar mitzvah.â€ť One more proof of whatâ€™s possible and positive when interfaith families are embraced.
That interfaith marriage is an inexorable worldwide phenomenon is again confirmed inÂ a fascinating episode on interfaith marriageÂ on the BBC radio show “All Things Considered.” The four panelists include Rabbi Jonathan Romain, who has been one of the most progressive rabbis on interfaith family issues in the U.K., a Christian woman married to a Jew who started an interfaith family network, an imam and a minister. Among other things, Rabbi Romain said that 50 percent of U.K. Jews are now in interfaith marriages, and that more U.K. Reform and Liberal rabbis are starting to officiate at weddings for interfaith couples â€“ as recently as two years ago, as far as I know only two Reform rabbis were willing to do so. The minister made a great point about people from other than Christian traditions celebrating Christmas â€“ for them it can celebrate peace and good will to all, not Jesusâ€™ divinity.
Finally, theÂ new rabbi at Montrealâ€™s Dorshei Emet, reportedly one of the few if not the only Reconstructionist congregations where interfaith weddings are not done, comes with experience officiating for interfaith couples and â€śmakes the case that such marriages can be beneficial to the Jewish community, even when no commitment to later conversion is made by the non-Jewish partner.â€ť And Keren McGinity persuasively presentsÂ the need for Jewish professionals to study interfaith marriage.
I just read your article in the Wall Street Journal, Wanted: Converts to Judaism, in which you advocate for â€śthe rabbis of the Conservative movement to use every means to explicitly and strongly advocate for conversion.â€ťÂ Considering that you are the Chancellor of the Jewish Theological Seminary of the Conservative Movement, your words carry great weight.Â And because of this, I am asking you to reconsider your position.
I of course agree with you that there is much beauty and deep meaning in living a Jewish life.Â I am overjoyed when someone comes to me and says that she has decided to pursue the path toward conversionâ€”whether it is because she has lived with a Jewish partner and raised Jewish children and now wholeheartedly desires to become a Jew; she has fallen in love with a Jewish person and thinks that living as a Jew could elevate her own life; or because, independent of any personal relationships, she has found Judaism and has come to believe that she is meant to be a Jew.
It is incumbent upon those of us who are rabbis as well as all people and institutions that are committed to Jewish continuity that we let all people, and especially those family members in our midst who are not Jewish, know that they are always welcome to become Jewish if that is what their soul desires, and that our doors are open wide.Â As a rabbi, there are few things I have done that are more rewarding than accompanying someone on their journey to becoming a Jew. Conversion, when done for the right reasons, is a blessing for the new Jew as well as for the Jewish community.Â But conversion isnâ€™t the only option, and it isnâ€™t always the right option.Â And while I am sure you in no way intended this, I greatly worry that by advocating for conversion, the Jewish community will give the impression that any conversion is OK, even without the sincerity of conviction and belief that a genuine conversion would require.
I agree with you that we should ensure that â€śopportunities for serious adult study of Judaism and active participation in Jewish lifeâ€ť are always available.Â Over the years, I have seen many family members who are not Jewish take Jewish learning very seriously, and I have seen such family members actively participating in Jewish communal life. Â I am sure you have witnessed this as well. Sometimes family members who are not Jewish decide over time to become Jewish themselves (often before a significant life-cycle event, such as a childâ€™s Bar or Bat Mitzvah).Â Others choose not to become Jewish but to remain part of the community.Â Their reasons for not becoming Jewish are as diverse as individuals themselves â€“ including the fact that they may believe in and practice another religion; they may not want to convert out of respect for their own parents or other family members; or they may simply not believe in God, thus feeling that conversion to any religion would be insincere.
While I believe that family members who are not Jewish should always know that they are welcome to explore becoming Jewish and that we would be honored to have them as converts if this is what they truly want and believe, I worry that ifÂ â€śJewish institutions and their rabbisâ€¦actively encourage non-Jewish family members in our midst to take the next step and formally commit to conversion,â€ť as you suggest we do, we will not only encourage conversions for the wrong reasons, but that we will also be putting undue pressure on family members who are not Jewish.Â Rather than bringing them into the fold, as you desire, I fear that we could turn them away.
Instead, I think we need to send the message that we welcome family members who are not Jewish as part of our community just as they are (rather than trying to turn them into what we want them to be).Â Rather than â€śexplicitly and strongly advocat[ing] for conversionâ€ť as you suggest, I believe that we should let family members who are not Jewish know that we would be honored to help them become Jewish if that is what they wish for themselves, and we would be equally honored if they do not convert but make the commitment to raise their children as Jews.Â What we really need to do is to ensure that resources are available for parents who did not grow up Jewish (as well as those who did grow up Jewish) to raise their children with Judaism in their lives, whether or not they themselves convert.
Toward the end of your article, you make reference to the biblical character Ruth, the â€śmost-famous convert in Jewish tradition.â€ťÂ While we often refer to Ruth as a â€śconvert,â€ť using such a term is anachronistic, since â€śconversionâ€ť as we now know it did not exist in Biblical times.Â But, more important, as I point out in my blog Re-reading Ruth: Not â€śRuth and Her Conversionâ€ť but â€śRuth and Her Interfaith Marriage,â€ť we cannot ignore the timing of Ruthâ€™s conversion.Â As I noted in my blog, by the time Ruth made her famous declaration of commitment to her mother-in-law Naomi and to the people and God of Israel, Ruthâ€™s Israelite husband, Noamiâ€™s son Machlon, was already deceased.Â This was already after Ruthâ€™s marriageâ€”not before it.
Ruth may have found, as you point out, â€ścommunity, meaning and direction by entering deeply into her new identity,â€ť but this didnâ€™t happen because Naomi or anyone else in her family encouraged Ruth or advocated for her to take on a new identity.Â In fact, the Book of Ruth explicitly informs us that after Machlon had died and Naomi was leaving Ruthâ€™s homeland of Moab to return to Bethlehem, Naomi repeatedly urged Ruth to â€śturn backâ€ť (Ruth 1:11-15) rather than accompany Naomi on her journey.Â Ruth uttered the words â€śWherever you go, I will go; wherever you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my GodÂ (Ruth 1:16) not because Naomi â€śactively encouraged herâ€ť but because Naomi had already accepted her for so many years for who she wasâ€”a Moabite, an â€śoutsider,â€ť that was married to her son.Â It was because of Naomiâ€™s unconditional love for Ruth that Ruth linked her future with that of Naomi, her people and her Godâ€”and ultimately went on to become the great-grandmother of King David.
Chancellor Eisen, you note in the first paragraph of your article that â€śJudaism needs more Jews.â€ťÂ I agree with you that the high rate of intermarriageÂ â€śpresents the Jewish communityâ€¦perhaps, with a unique opportunity.â€ťÂ But where we disagree is on what that opportunity is.Â In my view, the opportunity we have is not to necessarily convince those who are married to Jews to convert.Â Instead, like Naomi, we can help to ensure our Jewish â€śtomorrowsâ€ť by unconditionally welcoming spouses and partners of Jews into our Jewish community and making it as easy and meaningful as possible for them to raise Jewish children.
Rabbi Robyn Frisch