New flicks with celebs in interfaith relationships and from interfaith backgrounds, plus their baby news!Go To Pop Culture
As the new year approaches, Iâve been thinking back over the past yearâparticularly about certain terms Iâve heard used in 2014 that bother me. Following are three terms I hope to hear less of in 2015.
NON-JEW: While ânon-Jewâ is an easy short-hand term and itâs clear what it means, this term can be offensive. Most people prefer to be described in the positive as what they ARE, rather than in the negative as what theyâre NOT. For example, I identify as a âfemale,â not a ânon-male;â and in my family Iâm a âwife and mother,â not a ânon-husband and non-father.â At InterfaithFamily, weâre concerned that when people in the Jewish community talk about ânon-Jewsâ in interfaith relationships, it sends the messageâeven if itâs interpreted subconsciouslyâthat the person who isnât Jewish is somehow âless thanâ by defining that person with an emphasis on his or her âoutsiderâ status.
Granted, not using the term ânon-Jewâ can sometimes cause us to have to do some linguistic gymnastics, but I think itâs better to sound a little wordy and awkward than to potentially offend someone. So far, I donât know of an ideal term to describe someone who isnât Jewish. One suggestion Iâve heard is PDF (âperson of a different faithâ), but that term has its own limitations in that the partner who isnât Jewish may not identify as part of another religious group, or may be an atheist of agnostic who doesnât have a âfaith.â Do you have any suggestions?
And for the record, Iâd love to never again hear terms like shiksa and goy. These terms, which simply mean, respectively, âa woman who is not Jewishâ and âpeople who are not Jewish,â are too often used by Jews in a pejorative manner.
HALF-JEW: I used to really dislike this term no matter what the context in which it was used. But now Iâve come to see a difference between using it to define oneself and using it to define someone else. Before I worked for InterfaithFamily, if I were teaching a religious school class at a synagogue and a boy with one Jewish parent told me that he was âhalf-Jewishâ I would probably have said something like:Â âYouâre fully Jewish. Just because one of your parents isnât Jewish doesnât make you âhalf-Jewish.ââ (If the boy were older, I may even have joked: âwhich half, left or right?â) But as my colleague Rabbi Ari Moffic, Director of InterfaithFamily/Chicago, pointed out to me when I came to work here, people have the right to self-identify, and if someone identifies as âhalf-Jewishâ itâs not my place to tell him otherwise.
While I may have a tendency to want the boy in my religious school class to feel âwholeâ and to know that he is âauthenticallyâ Jewish even if one of his parents isnât Jewish, identity is complex. There are many things that a child (or, for that matter, an adult) could mean when he says that heâs âhalf-Jewish.â Perhaps thatâs his way of saying that he loves and identifies strongly with his parent who is not Jewish and that parentâs family. Itâs not my place to tell him that the way he self-identifies is wrong.
Yet while I now wouldnât âcorrectâ someone who identifies herself as âhalf-Jewishâ because of her right to identify as she chooses, I do find it offensive when people label others as âhalf-Jewish.âÂ In myâadmittedly liberalâunderstanding of Judaism, a person with a Jewish parent is Jewish, regardless of the gender of her Jewish parent. (I recognize that this view, which is consistent with the views of the Reform and Reconstructionist Movements, is inconsistent with traditional Halacha (Jewish law), and is not accepted by the Conservative Movement and Orthodox Jews, who require that a childâs mother must be Jewish in order for the child to be Jewish without being converted.) And such a person is as âfully Jewishâ as any person with two Jewish parents. Labelling someone a âhalf-Jewâ can be very hurtful to them (see, for example, Zach Cohenâs blog âDonât Call Me a Half-Jewâ) and risks alienating children in interfaith families from their Jewish roots.
Which brings me to the third term I donât likeâŚ
PATRILINEAL JEW: Traditional Jewish law requires that a personâs mother be Jewish in order for him to be Jewish without converting. But for years now the Reform, Reconstructionist and Humanist Movements have recognized âpatrilineal descentâ (i.e. a child with one Jewish parent, regardless of the parentâs gender, is Jewish so long as certain other criteria are met). CLICK HERE for an explanation of âWho is a Jew?â
Nobody ever refers to someone whose mother is Jewish and whose father isnât Jewish as a âmatrilineal Jewââsuch a person is simply a âJew.â Similarly, those of us who accept patrilineal descent shouldnât refer to someone whose father is Jewish (or who is being raised by two fathers, for that matter) as a âpatrilineal Jew.â The modifier âpatrilinealâ is unnecessary, and implies that having a Jewish father, as opposed to a Jewish mother, somehow puts one into a different, less authentic, category of Jewishness.
My hope for 2015 is that we can all spend more time focusing on our own religious and spiritual livesâŚand a LOT less time worrying about defining everyone elseâs.
Are there terms that youâd like to leave behind in 2014? Iâd love to hear what they are.
This guest blog post is by my husband, Andrew Garnett-Cook
Recently, I went to see Phish, one of my favorite bands.Â Over the course of 20 years, Iâve been to many of their shows. I was first introduced to Phish while in college and, despite a long period where I virtually stopped listening to them, I still enjoy their music and the community that surrounded them.
One thing that one must understand about Phish is that there is a tribal quality to its fans and their love for, and knowledge of, Phish music. Within the Phish world, there are stories, legends, unspoken understandings and a profound sense of shared experience borne of years of having spent time following the band from place to place during their sometimes extensive tours.
Even more interesting is the relationship of the band to the music.Â Phish fans spend a great deal of time examining and scrutinizing Phishâs live music, dissecting jams and comparing them with some of the best versions of particular songs ever done live.Â Certain live versions of their songs are considered classics among the fans and are spoken of with reverence that might seem excessive to anyone not familiar with the world of Phish.
However, once you step even an inch outside the tribal world of Phish and its community of fans, songs that are instantly recognizable classics are virtual unknowns. How many of you have ever heard of âYou Enjoy Myselfâ? Or âDown with Diseaseâ? Or âGhostâ? These are to Phish fans what âHey Judeâ and âStairway to Heavenâ are to the larger world of fans of rock music.
In short, fans of Phish have a shared community united around a shared past, common experience, rituals and intimate knowledge of the band and its music, though all of these things are foreign to the outside world.
For me, this is not unlike Judaism. As someone who is not Jewish, but is married to a Jew, entering the Jewish world meant being exposed to a community who also have a shared past, common experiences, rituals and intimate knowledge of the language, practices and songs associated with religious gatherings. Like the person who is not a fan of Phish, these things would be unfamiliar to someone who is not Jewish and has never been exposed to that world.
The thing to remember is that both the world of Phish and the Jewish community are, in my experience, inviting and supportive communities. A newbie at a Phish concert would be welcomed warmly and some dedicated Phishhead would be all too happy to walk them through the history of each song. Likewise, for me, introduction to the Jewish world has been at the heart of a supportive community at our synagogue, led by a rabbi who has embraced interfaith couples and made them feel welcome in the community. Because of this, I have had time to relax, become familiar with Judaism and feel like the Jewish community is one to which I can contribute.
My advice to other interfaith couples? Even if something seems unfamiliar at first or inaccessible to you, do not conclude it must be so. Like entry into the world of Phish, entering into the world of Judaism and becoming comfortable in that world takes time, commitment and a willingness to be a little uncomfortable for a while.Â But, a good community will welcome you in and give you the time and space to find your way.