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This post originally appeared onÂ www.edumundcase.comÂ and is reprinted with permission.
Alongside theÂ negative comment about officiation in the Conservative world, there has been some positive commentary and news about officiation and interfaith marriage.
Naomi Schaefer Riley has anÂ interesting take on the Conservative debate, focusing on the Bâ€™nai Jeshurun decision to officiate if the couples promise to raise their children Jewish. Echoing Keara Stein, she says
If thereâ€™s one thing that drives intermarried couples around the bend, itâ€™s the fact that the same rabbis who refuse to marry them because one spouse isnâ€™t Jewish will turn around a few years later and push them to send their children to the synagogue preschool. In my interviews [for her book on interfaith couples], this practice is commonly labeled â€śhypocriticalâ€ť by those affected by it.
Riley makes the interesting observation that the Catholic church used to require the non-Catholic spouse to promise to raise children Catholic, but decided it couldnâ€™t in good conscience make that request, and changed its policy. She says that Jewish leaders â€śhave no standing to demand that a non-Jewish spouse do anything at all.â€ť Despite that, Riley does think the Bâ€™nai Jeshurun policy will lead interfaith couples to have an important discussion before they marry about how they will raise future children.
In my view, one of the most important things Jewish communities can do to engage interfaith couples â€“ after ensuring that they can have a positive experience finding a rabbi to officiate at their wedding â€“ is to foster just those kinds of discussions in groups or meet-ups for interfaith couples. So I was pleased to see, in the midst of all the debate about officiation, anÂ excellent article in theÂ Boston GlobeÂ about Honeymoon Israel, an excellent program that fosters those kinds of discussions within the context of a heavily-subsidized trip to Israel. The article quotes Avi Rubel, co-founder, as viewing interfaith marriages not as a loss â€“ â€śItâ€™s not a minus one, itâ€™s a plus one.â€ť
Rubel says Honeymoon Israelâ€™s goal is not to convert couples or convince them to raise Jewish children, but â€śto empower the couples who go on the trip to question those things.â€ť Sixty percent of the couples who take the trip are interfaith, including the author of the article, who writes that a few months after the trip, her group â€śhad settled into a pattern of Friday evening Shabbat dinners with our new friends.â€ť This is very important. It shows whatâ€™s possible when interfaith couples are welcomed with positivity and trusted to work out their prospective Jewish engagement with other interfaith couples.
After officiation and discussion groups often come interfaith families with young children â€“ and thereâ€™sÂ positive news from PJ Library, one of the most important Jewish engagement programs ever. PJ commissioned an evaluation of its impact on families based on 25,270 responses to a survey, and 45 interviews. They highlight that 28Â percent of the families receiving PJ books and materials are interfaith familiesÂ and that interfaith families report even more favorable influence than families that are solely Jewish â€“ for example, 89 percent of interfaithÂ families say PJ has influenced their decision to learn more about Judaism, compared to 67Â percent of families that are solely Jewish. The evaluation includes selected quotes from respondents; several highlight interfaithÂ families, including one that explains how the books help the parent from a different faith tradition learn about Judaism. It is refreshing to read an evaluation report that says it is â€śexcitingâ€ť to see interfaith families reporting enjoyment and use of the books equally or more than the aggregate.
One of the reportâ€™s conclusions is that â€śthere is room to grow the program among â€¦ intermarried familiesâ€ť and that PJ needs to expand efforts to reach more of the less-connected, less-affiliated families. I very much hope that PJ does that. Itâ€™s interesting that PJâ€™s influence is greater within the home; other studies have found that interfaith families are more comfortable engaging in Jewish life at home with their family than in more public, organized settings. The report notes that PJ traditionally has reached families through organized institutions such as synagogues, Federations, or JCCâ€™s; thatâ€™s not where interfaith families tend to be. The report notes that interfaith families tend to have a lower level of Jewish engagement than families that are solely Jewish; their scale of Jewish engagement awards points for having children in several Jewish education sessions, belonging to or participating in a synagogue, donating to a Jewish charity, having mostly Jewish friends, and feeling it very important to be part of a Jewish community; again, these are factors favoring Jewish engagement in public settings.
The report also contains a seed of explanation as to why interfaith families are less engaged. While some families want to see more diversity in the types of families represented in the books â€“ with one quote from a respondent explicitly saying â€śmore cultural booksâ€¦ more related towards interfaith-style families would be amazingâ€ť â€“ other families do not want this type of diversity, with one quote saying â€śWe value traditional values and have had to screen some of the books out as not appropriate for our children.â€ť Itâ€™s very clear to me that the continuing negative attitudes many Jews express about interfaith marriages are related to interfaith familiesâ€™ lesser Jewish engagement, in both public settings and at home. But I applaud PJ Libraryâ€™s efforts which over time can lead to a change in that dynamic.
After young interfaith families often come bâ€™nai mitvah, and the Arizona Jewish Post hasÂ a very sweet storyÂ about two familiesâ€™ wonderful experiences at Temple Emanu-El in Tucson. One family had a father and son bar mitzvah â€“ the fatherâ€™s mother was not Jewish, he was raised Jewish but didnâ€™t have a bar mitzvah, he and his son converted before the bar mitzvahs â€śto confirm their identity.â€ť The fatherâ€™s wife/boyâ€™s mother is not Jewish but experienced Judaism to be welcoming; the father says without her support, he wouldnâ€™t have been able to do it. The other family included a Jewish mother from the FSU, married to a man named Bernstein who had a Jewish father but was raised Catholic; the father says, â€śIâ€™m still Catholic, but I love being a member of Temple Emanu-El. Iâ€™m Jewish culturally and by identity. That works.â€ť The son says, â€śThe tradition was in my family, but it got lost. There was this connection with Judaism that was renewed when I had my bar mitzvah.â€ť One more proof of whatâ€™s possible and positive when interfaith families are embraced.
That interfaith marriage is an inexorable worldwide phenomenon is again confirmed inÂ a fascinating episode on interfaith marriageÂ on the BBC radio show “All Things Considered.” The four panelists include Rabbi Jonathan Romain, who has been one of the most progressive rabbis on interfaith family issues in the U.K., a Christian woman married to a Jew who started an interfaith family network, an imam and a minister. Among other things, Rabbi Romain said that 50 percent of U.K. Jews are now in interfaith marriages, and that more U.K. Reform and Liberal rabbis are starting to officiate at weddings for interfaith couples â€“ as recently as two years ago, as far as I know only two Reform rabbis were willing to do so. The minister made a great point about people from other than Christian traditions celebrating Christmas â€“ for them it can celebrate peace and good will to all, not Jesusâ€™ divinity.
Finally, theÂ new rabbi at Montrealâ€™s Dorshei Emet, reportedly one of the few if not the only Reconstructionist congregations where interfaith weddings are not done, comes with experience officiating for interfaith couples and â€śmakes the case that such marriages can be beneficial to the Jewish community, even when no commitment to later conversion is made by the non-Jewish partner.â€ť And Keren McGinity persuasively presentsÂ the need for Jewish professionals to study interfaith marriage.
The debate in Jewish communities about interfaith marriage is heating up. Rabbis and Jewish professionals are arguing both sides and predicting the future of Judaism based on whether or not they will officiate at interfaith marriages. Iâ€™ve seen articles that talk about â€ścaving on intermarriageâ€ť and â€ścoming to terms with itâ€ť and â€śaddressing the problem.â€ť This kind of language infuriates me because it makes interfaith marriage about the rabbis, and not about the people getting married.
By telling someone we will not marry them, we are not stopping them from marrying someone of another faith background. What weâ€™re stopping them from (and I have heard this time and time again) is engaging in Judaism and being part of the Jewish community.
We need to change the way we talk about interfaith marriage. Itâ€™s not a disease. Itâ€™s not a shameful act. Itâ€™s a beautiful reflection of the world in which we live. Itâ€™s about people who have strong identities and familial connections, who are secure enough in who they are that they can love someone with a different background. Interfaith marriage is an amazing example of people with different experiences coming together and finding common ground.
When I took the job as director of InterfaithFamily/LA I was terrified that my rabbinic colleagues would turn their backs on me and lose respect for me. What actually happened is beautiful. My colleagues have said, â€śThanks for doing the work that Iâ€™m not allowed to do.â€ť
So many of my rabbinic colleagues come to me for advice on working with an interfaith couple who has approached them for a lifecycle event, usually a wedding. These colleagues donâ€™t deal with this scenario frequently, but know that I work with interfaith couples every day. The couples who are told by rabbis and communities that â€śWe accept you and your partnerâ€ť and also, â€śI cannot officiate your wedding, but you can still buy High Holy Day tickets.â€ť These couples often come to me dejected and confused and wondering how to fill their desire for Jewish engagement. During my first meeting with an interfaith couple who has been turned away by another rabbi, I spend most of the session repairing the hurt and rejection they are feeling.
One such couple came to me through our officiation referral service at InterfaithFamily, looking for a rabbi to talk to about marriage. In my first meeting with this coupleâ€”a Jewish woman and a man who was raised mostly agnosticâ€”they said, â€śWe never even imagined we could have a Jewish ceremony. We were planning on having a friend do our ceremony, but now weâ€™re excited to have a rabbi.â€ť I hear this refrain over and over from interfaith couples as they are searching for a way to engage Jewishly and are hearing â€śNo, youâ€™re not welcome hereâ€ť either explicitly or by liberal rabbis who mean well but whose boundaries are so tight that they do not allow them to see the people sitting on the couch in their office.
Just this morning I had a conversation with Becky Herring, a Jewish professional and the new associate director of our Atlanta office. She recently got engaged and this was her experience: â€śMy fiancĂ© is not Jewish and when we talked about who would officiate our wedding, he didnâ€™t want a rabbi because he was worried heâ€™d feel uncomfortable. I totally get it. The thought never dawned on me; I just thought rabbis were rabbis. And then I met Rabbi Malka [director of InterfaithFamily/Atlanta] and it was amazing to see that she would work with us.â€ť
I do this work every day. And I love it. I feel that working with interfaith families makes a true impact not only in their lives, but in the larger Jewish community.
I hear a lot of people say that interfaith marriage is always bad for Judaism and always leads to disengagement and the decline of Jews. But the truth is, life is not that simple.
Families are complicated and most peopleâ€™s religious experience lives somewhere in that gray area between full observance and secular identity. To flat out deny someone the possibility of Jewish engagement at the beginning of their union ignores the real life experiences of people in our communities.
Whether or not we (the rabbis) decide interfaith marriage is OK, doesnâ€™t matter.Â People are not choosing to end relationships and find Jewish partners just because a rabbi has told them she wonâ€™t marry them. While we rabbis are sitting in our offices behind the walls of synagogues and institutions, people are falling in love, getting married and trying to find their place in Jewish communities.
Photo credit: Tom The Photographer