When my husband read an early draft of this essay, he asked, "Why doesn't her partner have to support our daughter? After all, they agreed to raise children as Jews." What does it mean to raise a Jewish child?
A great way for Jewish professionals and volunteers who work with and provide programming for people in interfaith relationships to locate resources and trainings to build more welcome into their Jewish communities; connect with and learn from each other; and publicize and enhance their programs and services.
This year my parents hosted their 44th annual Passoverseder. I’m not old enough to have been to them all, but the only year I didn’t attend was when I was living in Israel. Thus, for me, this is how Passover seder is “done.” It’s the seder that I grew up with. I distinctly remember the first time I went to a different seder and realized that there are other ways of observing this Jewish tradition.
Many years ago my family started holding our seder on the Saturday night during Passover. Although not always the traditional first or even second night seder, it is ours. This year our seder took place on the sixth night. By bringing family together on the weekend, we are able to max-out the dining room that each year stretches into the living room, setting places for 29 people (not including Elijah). The Haggadah was the same as it always is with the additions over the years for Miriam’s Cup, a contemporary Dayeinu, and some other assorted embellishments.
However this year was different from other years because my niece (the only of her generation) is nearly 21 months old and now able to interact with all of us. Upon her birth, I enrolled my niece in PJ Library — an amazing program that sends a free Jewish book to children every month. My sister-in-law brought the most recent edition, and a current favorite, Company’s Coming: A Passover Lift-the-Flap Book.
What’s special about this book? The flaps make reading fun. The message is straight-forward. It walks the young reader through the elements of preparing for Passover, setting the table, and the items on the seder plate. Since we were setting the table while my mom read to her, it was fitting to show the actual items as they appeared in the book. We made reading come alive even more than the lift-the-flaps.
My favorite part was how she embraced the kippah. She put it on my dad’s head. She put it on her own head. She even put it on the dog’s head! Bless her heart; the dog was so patient, never moving while this adorable little girl dressed up for the seder. (Need proof? Check out the adorably cute photos below!)
If you have (or know) a little one, consider signing up for PJ Library. You may not love every book as much as my family loves this one, but I’m sure you’ll find a gem of your own. In the Bay Area, sign up online or visit their site to find the PJ Library nearest you.
One of the things I like about the Passoverseder at my aunt’s house is how we incorporate multiple languages and cultures. Specifically, toward the end of the seder, it is a family tradition to sing Hatikvah (the Israeli national anthem) and God Bless America. When my cousin married a man from Togo (a country in West Africa), we also added the Togolese national anthem. So now we’re singing in Hebrew, English, and French!
I didn’t even realize that the tradition of singing God Bless America began with her great-grandmother who was an immigrant from Eastern Europe. I never had the chance to meet her, but my cousin recently told me that she would insist on singing this American standard at the seder each year. She wanted to express how grateful she was to be here. (I wonder if she knew it was written by a Jew, who was inspired by similar sentiments?)
Now if that isn’t a statement about freedom, I don’t know what is!
In fact, the whole exercise seems like a symbol of freedom to me. We are free to speak in whatever language we want, free to practice the religion of our choosing, and free to marry who we love (at least here in Massachusetts). Not all of us attending the seder were raised Jewish (both my cousin and I intermarried), but we all come together on Passover to celebrate our freedom in song.
If you are lucky enough to be invited to a seder this year, here are a few tips. As you may already know, there is a wide array of observance in the Jewish religion. Every seder is a little bit different just like every family. A new person to the seder is always a delight; a new participant at the family seder is a wonderful addition. At minimum, the new guest(s) are a new audience for the often-repeated family story or family joke. If you are a little nervous, don’t be — the goal of the holiday is to learn about and discuss freedom. It is a great opportunity for you and everyone to learn.
Here are a few tips for you.
What to bring: The easiest thing to bring is kosher wine. If you go to a wine store, someone will be happy to help you. The wine will have a symbol on it to indicate that it is kosher, and it will also say that it’s permissible for Passover. There are many wonderful koher wines from Israel and other countries around the world, so don’t think that the sweet Manischewitz wine is your only option. There is a requirement to drink four glasses of wine during the seder, so another bottle is always welcome.
What not to bring: Do not bring any baked goods. Passover is the holiday celebrating freedom from slavery in Egypt. When the Jews left Egypt they were in a hurry so the bread didn’t have time to rise. That’s why everyone eats or talks about matzah. So be careful not to bring anything baked. Even the challah that Jews enjoy for the Sabbath is not allowed on Passover.
The Table: There will be a table set with a large plate in the middle. It is called a seder plate. There are various things on it that will be part of the service. One warning: there is an item called maror. It is horseradish and could be very hot. Please don’t take a large bite of this or you could burn your mouth. Take a small taste and then decide.
There will be an empty wine goblet on the table: It is called Elijah’s (in Hebrew pronounced Eliyahu) cup and is symbolic. The custom is to have a glass filled with wine, open the front door, and say a prayer. The story is that Elijah will come into the house and take a sip of wine. I had a friend who offered to set the table for her boyfriend’s family and kept bringing the extra wine goblet back into the kitchen. She laughs about it now.
Ma Nishtana: What is this thing that people keep talking about? The “Ma Nishtana” refers to the four questions, a central part of the seder service. It is the four questions that are traditionally asked by the youngest person at the table. The four questions each start with a refrain: “why is this night different than all other nights?” It is a tradition that most families will participate in, no matter how brief the seder. The youngest child is usually excited to ask these questions the first few years (then the charm of it can wear off and many families might tease the 25-year-old who happens to still be the youngest).
Are we done yet? For some, the custom is to tell the story of the Exodus from Egypt, partake in aspects of the seder plate, and then eat a large meal. You might think that the evening is over after dessert, but many people read the end of the service. It could take anywhere from 10 minutes to 45 minutes or longer. It can be tough to be patient, even for annual seder goers, but the word seder means “order” and some families don’t want to deviate from this centuries old tradition of telling the story in a specific order.
Hope you have a wonderful seder! If you have any questions or other items to add to the protocol, add them to the comments section and we will address any questions or suggestions that you post.
Thanks to all of you who responded to our Passover/Easter survey.
The results are in! We just sent out the following press release — let us know what you think of the findings.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Edmund Case, email@example.com, (617) 581-6805
Interfaith Families Continue To Participate in Secular Easter Activities Without Compromising Their Children’s Jewish Identity; Trend Towards More Comfort with Easter, Steady Observance of Passover
(Boston, MA) — The ninth annual Passover/Easter Survey conducted by InterfaithFamily, an independent non-profit, again shows that interfaith families raising their children Jewish address the “Spring dilemma,” the confluence of Passover and Easter, by continuing to participate in secular Easter activities and continuing to believe that doing so does not compromise their children’s Jewish identity.
Some observers of intermarriage have cast a skeptical eye on this behavior and argue that interfaith families can’t impart a strong Jewish identity to their children and celebrate Christmas or Easter. The results of InterfaithFamily’s surveys suggest that they are doing so.
Interfaith families raising Jewish children who participate in Easter celebrations are giving clear priority to Passover over Easter, as both a family celebration and a religious holiday:
Virtually all plan on hosting or attending a seder; 40% will host or attend Easter dinner, an increase from 31% in 2012.
Small minorities engage in “religious” Easter activities like attending church (9%) or telling the Easter story (only 1%).
Sixty percent see their Easter celebrations as entirely secular, down from 70% in 2012, but only 4% see their Passover celebrations as entirely secular.
A full 86% of the respondents believe that their participation in Easter celebrations does not affect their children’s Jewish identity.
“For nine years about half of interfaith couples raising Jewish children have told us they participate in Easter celebrations,” said Edmund Case, CEO of InterfaithFamily. “This year’s survey confirmed that these families by large measure see their Easter celebrations as secular in nature and not confusing to their children’s Jewish identity.”
“This year we observed somewhat more comfort in participating in Easter celebrations (45%), reversing a past decline from 47% in 2010 to 40% in 2011 to 32% in 2012,” Case added. “Meanwhile, the percentage of respondents who are not Jewish who reported being comfortable participating in Passover remained steady at 75%.
InterfaithFamily empowers people in interfaith relationships — individuals, couples, families and their children — to engage in Jewish life and make Jewish choices, and strongly encourages Jewish communities to welcome them. We are the premiere resource supporting interfaith couples exploring Jewish life and inclusive Jewish communities, offering educational content; connections to welcoming organizations, professionals and programs; resources and trainings for organizations, clergy and other program providers; and our new InterfaithFamily/Your Community initiative, providing coordinated comprehensive offerings in local communities including Chicago, San Francisco and Philadelphia.
EDITOR’S NOTE: InterfaithFamily has developed a resource page for interfaith families dealing with the Passover and Easter holidays that includes resources such as “Tips for Interfaith Families: How To Make a Seder Inclusive” and numerous articles that help interfaith families have a more enjoyable and meaningful holiday season. For more, visit www.interfaithfamily.com/passover.
In his above-mentioned book (read an excerpt here), Bronfman wrote that among Jews and the Jewish community, the
task of building a significant Jewish future requires a newly hopeful attitude. Fear of assimilation and intermarriage should not replace fear of anti-Semitism…. We must open ourselves up to new ideas and new faces and be welcoming to all who choose to participate. Openness may not be the easiest way, but it is our only way.
And speaking of enjoyment — there is nothing more enjoyable than a good story. With that in mind, we move to the Maggid section of our ceremony — a Hebrew word meaning "to tell."
Keeping with the themes of openness, new ideas, and inclusion, Bronfman has written a new Passover Haggadah, the book used as a guide for the ritual dinner, the seder.
His own family seders are large and celebratory affairs and include intermarried family members and friends old and new who are welcomed to enjoy the annual feast together.
Well-chosen readings from luminaries, including abolitionist Frederick Douglass and poet Marge Piercy, highlight the story of slavery and freedom. Bronfman’s creative and interactive approach is a story for all ages, in which readers assume a character in the Exodus journey.
It also diverts from the traditional Haggadah in a way that is extremely welcoming to interfaith families. “I decided to open the door to Elijah at the beginning of the meal instead of at the end. I always found it slightly odd that Elijah was invited to the table after the meal. My wife, Jan, and I both believe it is before this joyous feast begins that we ought to invite the stranger into our homes,” he writes in the Haggadah.
In Bronfman’s view, Elijah represents a redeemed world — a world free of racism, slavery, cruelty, poverty and greed. Elijah also represents the hungry stranger. This gesture reminds us to open the doors of our hearts to those in need during this holiday season and the rest of the year.
Inviting and inclusive, and with illustrations by Bronfman’s wife, Jan Aronson, it looks like a nice new alternative for families who want to share the storytelling and keep the seder to English.
What do you think? Is this a Haggadah your family will try out this Passover?
Who wants to dress up like one of the Ten Plagues?
Having grown up in a traditional family, we always celebrated Passover seders literally: seder means “order” in Hebrew. We followed every word, sang every song in the haggadah. It was long but exciting to stay up late. We certainly had fun — I stole the afikomen and dashed under our long dining room table with my grandmother as my accomplice. My four older siblings were angry for years! That was a far better reward than the $2 I received as my prize… For once, I outsmarted them — victory was mine!
My kids enjoy seders too. We probably follow 80% of the seder according to the haggadah. Through the positive influence of our pre-school, we now have all kinds of props for our seder: a tiny baby Moses in a basket, a brick that my daughter decorated with gem stones, and homemade pillows for reclining. The kids enjoy setting the table, making place cards, and bringing every pillow they can find into our dining room.
My friends and I are always looking for ways to make the seder more fun and engaging for our families. Here are some of the tips we’ve compiled:
Throw things! A friend says that the best way to make a seder fun is to throw things. What kid, old or young, doesn’t like throwing things when they shouldn’t be? We have stuffed frogs that are small — it’s fun to see where this “plague” lands. Just remember, if you’re using glass or crystal on your table, move the throwing to the floor or away from the table.
Egg and matzah soup! This is a family tradition that is bizarre but really fun. Mash up a piece of matzah, and, along with two hard boiled eggs and salt, add it all to your soup broth. It makes a mess but the kids love to feel like they’re cooking. Yes, there will be crumbs, but it’s Passover — keep the vacuum handy all week!
Make a tent! This year we are going to my friend’s house for a seder. She mentioned that she might make a tent and let us eat in the living room, a tip InterfaithFamily suggests in our Passover seder booklet. How fun! I can’t wait. Finally, I won’t have to get upset with my kids for eating with their hands.
Write your own hagaddah! My friends did this when they were newly married. I think it bonded them, sharing their Passover memories and customs. They tell the story of freedom and talk about how freedom is meaningful in their lives.
Dress up! Kids and adults alike can take the sheets and dress like Egyptians or slaves. And this goes well with the next tip…
Act it out! My friend’s family encourages the kids to create a play of the Exodus while the adults enjoy a visit before the seder starts. Here’s a hint: laundry baskets work really well to pretend to float baby Moses down the river. And those plagues can be fun and creative! Or everyone can act out the dynamics of the Passover story as the seder progresses: bossing each other around like slaves and masters, building pyramids with play-dough, wading through the Red Sea, etc.
Add five words! Go around the table and have everyone say five words of the telling of the Passover story, each person adding to what the previous person said. It will get everyone involved and will be quite amusing.
Bingo! With Passover words, it’s a game everyone can play. Try making the cards with your kids in advance, and review the vocabulary with them so they’re ready for the seder.
If your family isn’t interested in a formal seder, have you considered watching The Ten Commandments together, while eating dinner? The kids can count how many times they say the word “Moses” (maybe making a PG version of a drinking game — pass the seltzer!).
Do you have any special memories or ideas for making seders fun? Share them!
E! Online suggests the rushed wedding date is because she’s pregnant (they refer to the upcoming wedding as “bumptastic”), but I have a different theory.
Traditionally, the time between Passover and Shavuot is a period of semi-mourning. The period is known as the Omer. But what’s an “Omer”? It was a unit of measurement used for counting barley sheaves brought as an offering to the Temple in ancient Israel. The 49 days from Passover to Shavuot were each marked with a sacrifice of barley; today we count the days (“counting the Omer”) instead.
The rabbis of the 2nd century saw the period of counting the Omer as a “semi-mourning” period. As a result, some Jews refrain from having weddings or parties, dancing, listening to music or getting haircuts — all of which are customarily avoided during shiva (first week of mourning) — during the Omer.
There’s one escape from these restrictions: a minor holiday called Lag BaOmer (or “Lag b’Omer”) that falls on May 10 this year, 33 days after the start of Passover. The name literally translates to “33rd (day) of the Omer.” On Lag BaOmer, the restrictions are lifted for the day. (Check out how one Californian handles the restrictions in this humorous video.)
But back to Drew and Will.
E! Online reports that the wedding will be small and intimate, taking place at Drew’s home (er, “estate”). And, “keeping in line with the traditional values of Kopelman’s close-knit family, his family rabbi is expected to conduct the service.”
Since we’re currently counting the Omer, and since Will’s family (and, presumably, rabbi) are “traditional,” maybe they’re not wanting to be married during the Omer. Which would mean the first chance to be wed would be May 10, a Thursday. Most Americans choose to marry on the weekend so that family and friends can travel to and from the event. Not so easy to do in the middle of the work week. So the next option would be waiting until a weekend after Shavuot. Shavuot starts the evening of May 26 and ends the night of May 27 (for some communities, including many Reform congregations) or the night of May 28 (for the rest of the Jewish communities). The next weekend after that? Yup, June 2.
You heard it here first: Drew Barrymore and her fiancé, Will Kopelman, are following the laws of the Omer.
A few interesting articles crossed my desk this morning, all about Passover.
The Four Questions
The Four Questions hold a central spot in the Passoverseder. Why is this night different from other nights? Reform Judaism, the magazine for the named denomination, asks in its spring issue, “What’s your favorite language for reciting the first question?” They include 20 examples of that first question asked in different languages, from Phoenician to Thai to Klingon.
¿Por qué es diferente esta noche de todas las otras noches?
Qatlh pimlaw’ ramvan rammey latlh je?
I’ve signed the Four Questions before (both in ASL and LSQ) and recited them in French. Which languages does your family ask them in? Have you tried having each person at the table ask one of the questions in a language that they know? It’s an interesting way to make the questions both universal and accessible in new ways.
One view is that the plagues are “political allegory that is part of Exodus, the Israelites’ ‘birth of a nation’ story.” But that there weren’t ten, they didn’t happen in that order; there wasn’t this unnamed Pharaoh. Instead, the plagues represent the “systematic dismantling of the Egyptian socio-economic system, which was based on agriculture and the Nile.” In other words, they were formed so that the story is, “Our God brought Pharaoh of Egypt to its knees. That’s why we Israelites have the right to live independently.”
The opposing view could be summarized as more faithful. “Having not found proof of the plagues doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. It means the proof has not yet been found.”
“Are there acts of nature that can account for some of the plagues? Yes,” Rabbi Albert Gabbis, who lived in Egypt, says. “For example, the plague of blood in the Nile. We know that sometimes, the Nile turns red. When I was a child, I saw it with my own eyes. The rain brings the red clay from the mountains of Ethiopia into the Nile. But I would say this: In either case, the hand of God is there.”
Then there’s the confusing matter of kitniyot (legumes, corn, rice, soy/tofu, etc.). Last year, we offered a concise guide to Passover food guidelines via our pals at JewishBoston.com. This year, the Jewish Journal (greater Boston area) expands on that guide with Corn, Rice? Yes, No? – and some often contradictory answers:
Rabbi Baruch HaLevi of Congregation Shirat Hayam in Swampscott has advocated for the consumption of kitniyot on Passover for those who are comfortable with it.
“I believe in making Judaism more, not less accessible, and it makes Passover a heck of a lot easier if we can have corn products,” HaLevi said.
The important thing is that people understand the difference between a Jewish law and a custom. Chametz, like bread, is forbidden by Jewish law. Corn products depend on your custom, he said. Each year, he gets questions as people try to sort out the differences.
Rabbi Deborah Zuker of Temple Ner Tamid also receives questions, especially from people who visit Israel during Passover. She follows the Ashkenazic tradition of not consuming kitniyot.
“In Israel, you can find products marked ‘kosher for Pesach’ for people who eat kitniyot, but here we can’t know if the kitniyot have been mixed with wheat,” Zuker said.
She believes the Ashkenazic practices are old enough to be considered law in some communities, but added that different communities have different practices.
Dessert: the Afikomen
Not every seder is lucky enough to host Jake Gyllenhaal (sorry!), but you can enjoy his company for a few moments:
As far as “new thoughts” goes, this one might be a stretch. But come on – who doesn’t love Jake?
Hopefully some of these thoughts will help liven the discussions at your Passover seders this year!
I’m the first to admit it: I’m a little stressed out by Passover’s rapid approach. If, like me, you need a bit of a break from the cleaning, cooking, menu planning, seder prep, and last-minute-bread-and-pasta-binge-fests, take a look at the fun and interesting resources in this post.
A Blessing for the Celebration of Passover and Easter
Again we come to our celebrations of Passover and Easter.
A time to celebrate the ever-newness of the resurrection of the spirit;
and the liberation of the peoples of the earth.
We rejoice in the rebirth of spring, as flowers, fields, and birds
come alive after the long sleep of winter.
May we, during the Easter and Passover season share along with them
the excitement of being alive and being free.
From our ancient traditions, we have prepared ageless signs of life,
bread, herbs, salt, eggs, and the paschal lamb.
These simple gifts have both power and meaning for us:
Bread to give us nourishment, herbs to give our lives healing and flavor,
salt to preserve our hope in a future world of peace;
the egg, the eternal sign of life, and the paschal lamb that represents
the cycle of the seasons.
May these blessed gifts of food grace all who shall partake of them.
May the family table where they are shared be illuminated with the
light of holiday candles, song, and happiness.
And may we be richly blessed with joy and peace. Amen.
Thanks to all of you who responded to our Passover/Easter survey.
The results are in! Yesterday, we sent out the following press release – let us know what you think of the findings.
Interfaith Families Participate in Secular Easter Activities Without Compromising Their Children’s Jewish Identity; Trend Towards Less Comfort with Easter, More Observance of Passover
Newton, MA — March 29, 2012 — The eighth annual Passover/Easter Survey conducted by InterfaithFamily.com, an independent non-profit, shows that interfaith families raising their children Jewish address the “Spring dilemma,” the confluence of Passover and Easter, by continuing to participate in secular Easter activities and continuing to believe that doing so does not compromise their children’s Jewish identity.
Some observers of intermarriage have cast a skeptical eye on this behavior and argue that interfaith families cannot impart a strong Jewish identity to their children and celebrate Christmas or Easter. The results of InterfaithFamily.com’s surveys suggest that they are doing so.
Interfaith families raising Jewish children who participate in Easter celebrations are giving clear priority to Passover over Easter, as both a family celebration and a religious holiday:
* Virtually all plan on hosting or attending a seder; less than a third will host or attend Easter dinner.
* Small minorities engage in “religious” Easter activities like attending church (5%) or telling the Easter story (3%).
* Seventy percent see their Easter celebrations as entirely secular.
* A full 85% of the respondents believe that their participation in Easter celebrations does not affect their children’s Jewish identity.
“For eight years, about half of interfaith couples raising Jewish children have told us they participate in Easter celebrations,” said Edmund Case, CEO of InterfaithFamily.com. “These families consistently, and by very large measure, see their Easter celebrations as entirely secular in nature and not confusing to their children’s Jewish identity.”
“This year we observed a steady decline in the percentage of respondents who reported being comfortable participating in Easter celebrations – from 47% in 2010 to 40% in 2011 to just 32% in 2012,” Case added. “The percentage of respondents who are not Jewish who reported being comfortable participating in Passover increased from 67% in 2011 to 78% in 2012. We also observed more following of the dietary restrictions of Passover – interestingly, almost the same percentage of respondents who are (56%) and are not (54%) Jewish plan on following those rules for most or all eight days of Passover.”
InterfaithFamily.com empowers people in interfaith relationships – individuals, couples, families, and their children – to engage in Jewish life and make Jewish choices, and strongly encourages Jewish communities to welcome them. We are the premiere resource supporting interfaith couples exploring Jewish life and inclusive Jewish communities, offering educational content; connections to welcoming organizations, professionals, and programs; resources and trainings for organizations, clergy, and other program providers; and our new InterfaithFamily/Your Community initiative providing coordinated comprehensive offerings in local communities.
InterfaithFamily.com has developed a resource page for interfaith families dealing with the Passover and Easter holidays that includes resources such as “Tips for Interfaith Families: How To Make a Seder Inclusive” and numerous articles that help interfaith families have a more enjoyable and meaningful holiday season. For more, visit our Passover and Easter Resource Page.
Do check out that full report, and let us know your thoughts!
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