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This post originally appeared onÂ www.edumundcase.comÂ and is reprinted with permission.
The interfaith marriage news since the High Holidays has continued to be positive for the most part. I was especially pleased to read Rabbi Micah Streifferâ€™sÂ Yom Kippur sermonÂ announcing that he was going to start officiating at weddings for interfaith couples. I say â€śespeciallyâ€ť because Rabbi Streiffer is in Toronto, Canada and as far as I know he is the first Reform rabbi there to officiate. I remember many years when InterfaithFamily was not able to refer people in Toronto to any â€śmainstreamâ€ť rabbis, so this is a welcome breakthrough.
I also say â€śespeciallyâ€ť because Rabbi Streiffer cites the Yom Kippur morning Torah portion in which Moses says that everyone present is entering into the covenant with Godâ€”and Rabbi Streiffer explicitly says that includes â€śtheÂ ger,Â the non-Jew.â€ť Thatâ€™s an argument I first made back inÂ 2000. Itâ€™s very affirming to have a rabbi endorse of that view. Itâ€™s an exemplary inclusive sermon that is well worth reading.
A second great item was an article by InterfaithFamilyâ€™s Stacie Garnett-Cook,Â Interfaith Inclusion: One Year to Lasting Change,Â who asked, â€śWhat should an organization actually do to become more inclusive? Many organizations say that they are welcoming, but do our actions and words match our intentions?â€ť InterfaithFamilyâ€™s new Interfaith Inclusion Leadership Initiative (IILI), modeled on the Keshet Leadership Project and funded by the Covenant Foundation, supports leaders in organizations who create and implement action plans to accomplish those goals. The article describes the program design and underlying theory, as well as the organizations that participated in the first year.
The importance of being truly inclusive in attracting and engaging interfaith families in Jewish life and community canâ€™t be over-estimated. I hope many more Jewish organization will seriously consider participating in this initiative.
I was honored to be included in Moment Magazineâ€™s Symposium,Â Is Intermarriage Good for the Jews?Â (If you want to know how I looked at 24, take a look at my wedding photo â€”my 7-year-old grandson said I looked â€śyoungâ€ťâ€”and I assure you that the tie I was wearing was very fashionable at the time!) Marilyn Cooper did a great job putting together very diverse views; reading all of them carefully left me feeling, well, that there are very diverse views. I was the only person who actually said there are many strong arguments why interfaith marriage is good for Jews. Keren McGinity also expressed a positive view:
Provided that intermarried Jews and their families are treated equally as inmarried families, and that Jewish education is accessible and engaging, intermarriage can be an opportunity for Jews and their loved ones to draw closer to Judaism and the Jewish community.
Several contributors, including Bob Davis, A. J. Jacobs and Naomi Schaefer Riley, saw increased tolerance as a positive impact of interfaith marriage. Rabbis Matalon and Lau-Lavie, who are pushing the Conservative movementâ€™s boundaries on officiation, offer very realistic assessments that I thought were optimistic about engaging interfaith families Jewishly.
But there were several expressions of quite negative views. In upholding the movementâ€™s ban on officiation, I respectfully think Rabbi Elliot Dorff, chair of the Conservative movementâ€™s Committee on Jewish Law and Standards, is wrong to say that officiating at interfaith marriages does not help the Jewish people, and that â€śReform rabbis have been doing this for quite a while and, for the most part, they have not succeeded in convincing the intermarried couples to be actively Jewish.â€ť I think that is an untenable position givenÂ the research Iâ€™ve mentioned many timesÂ that shows correlation between officiation and later synagogue membership and raising children as Jews.
Two Orthodox perspectives insisted on opposing interfaith marriage, one saying â€śintermarriage is heartbreaking.â€ť Sarina Roffe was most extreme: â€śEvery time someone marries out, a whole generation of Jewish people is gone.â€ť She comes from the Syrian Jewish community, which she says rejects not only those who intermarry, but even those who marry Orthodox converts.
I was puzzled by Elisha Wiesel, son of Elie Wiesel, who says that if he had intermarried, â€śexperiences that I currently derive tremendous meaning from would be missing.â€ť I say puzzled because there is no reason why the experiences he mentionsâ€”saying Kaddish for a parent, preparing a son for his bar mitzvah, and watching a daughter learn Hebrew â€”have to be missing in intermarried families.
TheÂ ForwardÂ also publishedÂ We asked 22 rabbis: Is intermarriage a problem or an opportunityÂ which offered a not dissimilar set of diverse views. Susan Katz Miller had anÂ interesting takeÂ on the piece, criticizing the sample for being half Orthodox rabbis (when the Orthodox are 10% of the population) and only two Reform, and the â€ścorrosiveâ€ť content of many of the responses. She correctly points out that interfaith families reading many of the opinions will not feel welcomed or included.
I was struck, however, by responses from two wonderful Orthodox rabbis, Shmuly Yanklowitz and Avram Mlotek, who did emphasize inclusivity. Rabbi Yanklowitz said, â€śWith the proper inclusive programming and outreach opportunities, there are ways to make interfaith families feel welcome in the community, which will, in turn, spark interest in creating and perpetuating loving Jewish households.â€ť Rabbi Mlotek said, â€śIf our Jewish communities seek to be relevant religious centers for the 70% of American Jews who choose to intermarry, it is incumbent upon us to welcome these families unabashedly and work with them as they strive to build Jewish homes.â€ť
Finally in the continuing discussion about Conservative rabbis and officiation, there is items.Â Letter Reignites Interfaith Officiation DebateÂ refers toÂ a letter by four Conservative leadersÂ that re-affirms the ban on officiating for interfaith couples, but does talk at length about welcoming them.Â Conservative Jewish Leaders Are Endangering Their BrandÂ is an opinion by Roberta Rosenthal Kwall who objects to the letterâ€™s statement that the intermarried should be welcomed with â€śequally open arms.â€ť Kwall wants to retain the Conservative brandâ€™s strong preference for in-marriage â€” thatâ€™s a non-inclusive approach that I believe can only lead to decline.
â€śMeet Robyn,â€ť my friend, who is Jewish, said with a smile as she introduced me to her Christian daughter-in-law. â€śSheâ€™s an interfaith rabbi.â€ť
Ugh! I cringed on the insideâ€”the same way I do when someone calls me a Reformed rabbi (rather than a Reform rabbi) or a â€śRent-A-Rabbi.â€ť I thought to myself: Iâ€™m not an interfaith rabbi. Iâ€™m a rabbiâ€”a Jewish rabbi. And what is an interfaith rabbi anyway? To me, the term â€śinterfaith rabbiâ€ť sounds like a rabbi whose Judaism, and rabbi-ness, is somehow not purely and authentically Jewish.
Of course I knew what my friend intended. She wanted her daughter-in-law, who was in an interfaith marriage, to know that I was welcoming and open; that I wouldnâ€™t judge her marriage or look down on her husband because his wife isnâ€™t Jewish or her for being married to someone Jewish.
But stillâ€¦ Iâ€™m not an â€śinterfaith rabbi.â€ť What I am is a rabbi who proudly spends my time working with and advocating for interfaith couples and families.
There are many rabbis from the Reform, Reconstructionist and Renewal movements who officiate interfaith weddings, and weâ€™re all regular rabbis. Weâ€™re rabbis who want to open wide the door to Judaism, and who want to bring Judaism to the most sacred moments in peopleâ€™s lives. Weâ€™re rabbis who donâ€™t judge a Jewâ€™s commitment to Judaism by who theyâ€™ve fallen in love with and decided to marry. Weâ€™re rabbis who feel blessed to work with Jews and the people they love and who love them.
So call us â€śnon-judgmental rabbis.â€ť Call us â€śwelcoming rabbis.â€ť Call us Rabbis. Just please donâ€™t call us â€śinterfaith rabbis.â€ť
In all fairness, I realize the irony of my preferring not to be called an â€śinterfaith rabbiâ€ť when I use the term â€śinterfaithâ€ť all of the time. I often refer to â€śJewish interfaith familiesâ€ť where one parent is Jewish and one isnâ€™t, whereas the family may identify simply as a â€śJewish family,â€ť in which one parent just happens not to be Jewish. I realize that the term I, and the rest of us at InterfaithFamily use is less than ideal for a number of reasons, including the fact that the Jewish parent and/or the other parent may not see themselves as a person of â€śfaith.â€ť But I use it because I donâ€™t have a better term or way of distinguishing the particular type of family with whom I work.
In my role as director of InterfaithFamily/Philadelphia, I work with all sorts of different types of families with one Jewish parent and one parent who isnâ€™t Jewish, all of whom have a variety of blessings and challenges as a result of the parents having different religious backgrounds. I use the blanket term â€śJewish interfaith familyâ€ť not because itâ€™s ideal, but because it helpsâ€”hopefullyâ€”to make clear who these families are.
I realize that my friend who introduced me to her daughter-in-law was trying to do what I do: to describe what type of rabbi I was in a short-hand form, limited by the language we have. I know what she really meant was that Iâ€™m an open-minded rabbi who works with interfaith couples and families, and she felt that by just saying â€śrabbi,â€ť that wouldnâ€™t come across.
While it still may make me cringe on the inside, and Iâ€™d prefer that you didnâ€™t, I will say that if you really have to, go ahead and call me an â€śinterfaith rabbi.â€ť
But still please donâ€™t call me a Reformed rabbi or a â€śRent-A-Rabbi.â€ť
Iâ€™ve been to a lot of bar and bat mitzvahs in my life, but Iâ€™ve never been so deeply moved as I was on a recent Shabbat.
My cousin, Nancy Sharp, who Iâ€™ve always adored, has experienced a life of tragic loss and re-found joy. Her husband, Brett, who I remember vividly as a most wonderful young man, died of brain cancer when their twins, Casey and Rebecca, were 2 1/2 years old. Nancy decided to move from Manhattan to Denver, where she had one friend.
After relocating, Nancy read about Steve Saunders, a local TV journalist, in a magazine article about eligible bachelors; Steveâ€™s wife had died of cancer and he was raising two young teens, Ryan and Dylan. Long story short, Nancy and Steve met, married and combined their families. Nancy has told her story in a remarkable book, Both Sides Now. And this spring, Casey and Rebecca became bar and bat mitzvah.
The service and the celebration were amazing. Brettâ€™s family, though living at a distance, has remained very close to Nancy and her children. Brettâ€™s mother, an aunt and uncle, and many cousins were all present and there were not a few tears when Brettâ€™s mother presented his tallit to Casey at the start of the service. But Steveâ€™s family, who are not Jewish, were very present too; I could see that Casey and Rebecca have acquired a third set of grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. The kindness and the love that flowed between Steve and Brettâ€™s family, and Steveâ€™s family and my cousins, was plain for all to see.
I learned that Ryan and Dylan had many Jewish friends growing up, attended Jewish summer camp and one of Steveâ€™s very adorable nephews (who is not Jewish) even attends the pre-school at Temple Micah, where Nancy and Steve are members. So the Saunders family was not unfamiliar with what happens at a bar or bat mitzvah. And Rabbi Adam Morris did an extraordinarily sensitive job of bringing Brett into the service while keeping the focus on the present.
But what I especially appreciated was how inclusive Rabbi Morris was of Steve and his family. In many Reform synagogues, part of a bar or bat mitzvah service is a symbolic passing of the Torah from grandparents to parents to child, but at many, the grandparents and parent who are not Jewish donâ€™t get to participate (on the theory that the Torah is not â€śtheirsâ€ť to pass, or perhaps that they couldnâ€™t have passed Judaism to the child). At this bâ€™nei mitzvah, I was very glad to see the Torah passed from my cousins Ron and Sue to Brettâ€™s mother, to Steveâ€™s parents, to Steve and Nancy and then to their children.
As in probably all Reform synagogues, part of the bar or bat mitzvah service involves the parents having an aliyah (saying the blessings before and after a portion of the Torah is read). But as best I know, the vast majority of Reform rabbis will not allow a parent who is not Jewish to join in reciting the Torah blessings at their own childâ€™s bar or bat mitzvah. I believe this is based on theory that the blessing refers to God choosing â€śusâ€ť and giving â€śusâ€ť the Torah, and the parent who is not Jewish isnâ€™t part of the â€śus.â€ť I felt so grateful to Rabbi Morris, and told him so afterwards, for allowing Steve to join with Nancy in the parentsâ€™ aliyah. I wish the rabbis who wouldnâ€™t have permitted that could have been at the bâ€™nei mitzvah of Casey and Rebecca Zickerman. Maybe seeing the contribution that Steve, not to mention his extended family, has made to passing Judaism on to Casey and Rebecca might persuade them to change their minds. Something is very wrong, in my opinion, when rabbis canâ€™t consider the family of a person like Steve to be the â€śusâ€ť to whom the Torah was given, making it fully authentic and appropriate for a person like Steve to thank God for giving the Torah to his familyâ€”to â€śus.â€ť
Rabbi Morrisâ€™ inclusive approach should not have been a surprise; in 2004 he wrote an excellent sermon explaining why, as it says on the Temple Micah website, â€śI proudly officiate at the weddings of interfaith couples.â€ť To our knowledge, he is the only congregational rabbi in Denver who will do so.
Nancy Sharpâ€™s story is very personal and emotional for me, and one of, if not the, most inspiring stories I have ever encountered. I love Nancy and her family; the loss she suffered was painful, and the love that she found is a source of great joy. I think the lesson here is about being open to and choosing love. The love that Nancy was open to and chose with Steve, and the love that flows between their families, including Brettâ€™s, is what makes their example so powerful. I hope that the inclusive approach of their rabbi, who chooses to privilege love and family over other concerns, becomes an increasingly powerful example to his colleagues, too.
Learn about InterfaithFamilyâ€™s #ChooseLove campaign and to tell us how you #ChooseLove, here:Â interfaithfamily.com/chooselove.
To see how we #ChooseLove, watch this video!