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At bedtime recently, 5-year-old Laurel was having trouble settling towards sleep, not unsurprising given that itâ€™s still light out at her bedtime. Looking for a change of pace that might help her feel sleepy, I started to sing theÂ Shema, as my husband and I often do during her bedtime songs. She listened quietly, laying her head in my lap instead of putting the sheet over her head and declaring she had become a bouncing tent, as sheâ€™d been doing not too many minutes before that. (InterfaithFamily has a great booklet about saying the Shema as a kids’ bedtime ritual. Check it out here.)
When I finished singing the quiet words about Godâ€™s onnness, she asked, â€śSing me another Jewish song, Mommy,â€ť and I did, choosingÂ Oseh shalom, which is one of my favorite tunes to sing her before sleep.Â I love the melody, and the soothing message about peace that it conveys. Sometimes I get a little bit too into the song, my head nestled against her ear, and she tells me, â€śSing more quietly, Mommy; youâ€™re too loud!â€ť
As is almost usual, she started talking halfway through the song. â€śMommy? Mommy?â€ť
“â€¦ shalom aleinuâ€¦” I continue, pausing to say, â€śbe quiet, sweetie, Iâ€™m singing!â€ť
Eventually, my voice quieted as the song ended. â€śWhat did you want to ask?â€ť
â€śHow do you know Jewish songs, Mommy?â€ť
I chuckled. â€śIâ€™ve learned them by singing them many times, honey,â€ť I explained, â€śthe same way you learned the songs for your classâ€™s Spring Sing.â€ť
â€śOh,â€ť she said. Sheâ€™d recently memorized â€śTwinkle Twinkle Little Starâ€ť in Chinese for the Spring Sing, so I thought she might understand my own learning of songs I didnâ€™t grow up with as a similar process.
As usual, though, I wasnâ€™t prepared for her follow-up question: â€śDo you know any Christian songs, Mommy?”
I deliberated before answering. Previous readers of my blog entries will know that Iâ€™m now a Unitarian Universalist, and was raised in a liberal Episcopalian household. In answer, I could have recalled songs I sang decades in the childrenâ€™s choir at in the church of my childhood, songs like â€śHere I Am, Lord,â€ť which is about answering Godâ€™s call to serve people in the world. But I can just imagine myself getting caught up in theological difficulties as I sing it: whoâ€™s doing the sending? Is it Jesus, or God the Father? What if theyâ€™re the same? With that level of chatter going on in the back of my mind, itâ€™s easier to choose other songs to sing, like â€śPuff the Magic Dragonâ€ť or â€śMy Favorite Things.â€ť
In the end, I replied, â€śChristmas songs are Christian,â€ť which garnered an un-illuminated â€śohâ€ť from Laurel and a serious query as to whether there are other Christian songs.
â€śWell, there are,â€ť I told her, â€śbut I donâ€™t remember them very well.â€ť Bedtime is probably not the right time to explain that in addition to not remembering them very well, I am not sure I want to sing traditional Christian songs. At bedtime I usually fall back on the kinds of songs my parents sang to me when I wasnâ€™t quite ready to sleep yet: songs from musicals from my mom, and folk songs from the 1960s from my dad. Now I wonder that the melancholy of so many folk songs did not keep me up at night (shouldnâ€™t I have been bothered by â€śWhere Have All The Flowers Goneâ€ť?)
Laurelâ€™s innate sense of fairness suggests to her that I ought to sing Christian songs to her to balance the Jewish songs sheâ€™s already learning. She knows I am not Jewish and that we therefore have an interfaith home. She wants â€śnot Jewishâ€ť to have an â€śis somethingâ€ť attached to it, and I take her request for â€śChristian songsâ€ť as a request for my background and heritage to be hers, as well. If I am to be true to us as an interfaith family, I also need to be true to the complexities of what my husband and I both bring to our interfaith childrensâ€™ lives.
Next time, when Laurel asks me to sing a “Christian” song, Iâ€™ll realize that sheâ€™s asking aboutÂ my background, and Iâ€™ll be better prepared to sing a different song â€“ not necessarily a Christian song â€“ but a song to which I can bring as much joy as I bring toÂ Oseh shalom. As she grows older, too, I hope that my repertoire of songs Iâ€™ve learned as an adult, especially including the Jewish songs that are so important to Laurel, will continue to expand. Maybe, once again, sheâ€™ll ask me to sing â€śjust a little quieter, Mommy, and not right in my ear.â€ť
Interested in attending a “Goodnight, Sleep Tight” session in Chicago with InterfaithFamily/Chicago’s Director? Contact Rabbi Ari Moffic (arim at interfaithfamily dot com) for more information.
Driving home from school the other day, Ruthie began singing â€śMa Tovuâ€ť to herself in the back seat. She repeated it a couple of times alone, and then I decided to try to sing it back to her. But after I got the first two lines out of my mouth, she stopped me.
â€śNo, Mommy,â€ť she said, frustrated, â€śYou sing it like this!â€ť
And she began again, more confidently, singing something that sounded very much the same to me as what I had sung, but was clearly different to her. Her tune, her way.
This interaction felt powerful as I reflected back on the end of Ruthieâ€™s first year of Sunday School. Up until last September, most of the influences on Ruthieâ€™s religious identity had come from, or at least occurred in the presence of, Eric or me. But in September, when we dropped her off with Morah Naomi for the first time, what being Jewish means for Ruthie began to happen on her own, in a way that is connected, but miraculously independent, from us.
Ruthie is a child who generally enjoys school, and she has relished in getting new knowledge at Sunday School each week. She loves the chance to share our familyâ€™s practices with her class, and to learn her own things to bring home to us. This spring, she particularly enjoyed her class â€śtripâ€ť to Israel (not an actual trip!), and is still slowly doling out tidbits about the Wailing Wall, the Dead Sea or even the way that Israelis take a midday break for lunch and family every day.
Exploring her Judaism in this way has also encouraged her to articulate her interfaith identity independently, too. She knows that not all of her friends from Sunday School celebrate Christmas with their families, and she thinks sheâ€™s pretty lucky that she gets to do that. She asks lots of questions about the faith of our family members and close friends, trying on different ways of fitting herself into the world.
A few weeks ago, we had a conversation that went something like this:
â€śMommy, when I am a grown-up, and I get to pick if I am Jewish or Christian, well, Iâ€™ll probably be Jewish but I am not sure, anyway, I am going to have a cat.â€ť
Ruthie has only taken her first steps on a lifelong journey of self-discovery and understanding. At this moment, I am so grateful that it started off with a zeal for learning, an open heart, and curiosity about what it means to make her way in the world with a loving family that includes different faiths. I hope that we can both continue to choose love and embrace the learning journey. As always, I am glad to be along for the ride.
Recently, the membership director at my synagogue asked me if I would reach out to a young woman who was the Jewish half of an interfaith couple and a new temple member with her husband. She was also expecting her first child. Knowing the importance of a warm welcome, especially for intermarrieds, I said I would be happy to reach out.
I assumed my conversation with this Jewish intermarried would be similar to the discussions Iâ€™ve had with other intermarried partners looking for a Jewish home. She would feel grateful and relieved to have found a welcoming, inclusive community that dedicated resources to interfaith-specific programming.
When I called the woman, I told her about my involvement over the years in the congregationâ€™s Interfaith Moms group and its evolution into Interfaith Families. I discussed how the group was a great way to meet other intermarrieds and build community at our large synagogue. I said I would add her name to the groupâ€™s distribution list so she would receive information on future activities.
At this point, the conversation took a strange turn. She told me that she wasn’t sure she wanted to be involved with an interfaith group because she needed to be “very strategic” about who her family associated with. I wondered what that meant.
The interfaith mom-to-be explained that she was raised in an active Conservative home that kept kosher. She had a Jewish wedding and her children would be raised Jewish. So far, a common story.
Then she made a few statements that started to help me understand what â€śvery strategicâ€ť meant. She said interfaith groups were not comprised of families like hers where the mother was the Jewish parent. Instead, they â€śwere mostly non-Jewish women, who really weren’t interested in raising Jewish children.â€ť
What?!?! Iâ€™d never heard another intermarried use the same (old) stereotypes still peddled by some segments of the Jewish community or held by older generations.
She added that since the female partner controlled the religious upbringing of children and the identity of a home the families in our interfaith group would never be Jewishly active. “Besides,â€ť she said, â€śTheir children will never really be Jewish anyway.”
At this point, I had enough of the outdated rhetoric regarding intermarriage and decided it was time to dispel a few myths and explain what type of community she had joined.
In a friendly but firm tone, I explained that our interfaith families group was diverse. It included families with a Jewish mom and a not Jewish dad, a Jewish dad and not Jewish mom, a parent that converted, and same-sex couples with one not Jewish partner. Since the group was synagogue-based, regardless of family composition, the participants were all raising Jewish children and creating singularly Jewish homes, or moving in that direction.
I shared that many of the not Jewish partners were the ones reconnecting their Jewish spouses to Judaism. She interjected with another generalization, â€śIsnâ€™t that always how it is? The convert becomes more zealous about practicing than the one born Jewish.â€ť
I didnâ€™t want her to have the impression that all of the not Jewish partners had converted or were in the process of converting. I said, â€śSome convert, some maintain their identity but arenâ€™t practicing, and some are active in and fully committed to raising Jewish children but remain connected to their individual faith.â€ť I also explained that we were a Reform congregation, which meant that we welcomed, recognized and accepted children as Jewish if they had one Jewish parentâ€“regardless of the gender of the parent. The woman got quiet.
I asked her if she had any questions or if I could help her in any way. She asked about baby naming ceremonies for girls. As she shared her questions, I empathized with this young woman. I remembered the early years of my marriage when I was also unsure of how my and my husbandâ€™s choice to be Jewish would play out.
I also thought that I needed to direct our Jewish life and worried about the influence of interfaith couples making different decisions. I didnâ€™t start feeling more relaxed about being Jewish and interfaith until we found an inclusive and welcoming community. Only then did I realize that sharing a commitment to create a Jewish home was what was important, not how each couple implemented that decision. In fact, the diversity of approaches became an opportunity to learn, rather than something to be feared.
This woman and I spoke for another few minutes. It was a nice conversation. When I hung up, I hoped that after her initial hesitation wore off, she and her husband and baby would try an interfaith families activity. Because if they tried it, theyâ€™d realize that there is nothing to fear and much to gain from having a vibrant community of interfaith families to navigate the joys and challenges of intermarriage with.
The Center for Jewish Peoplehood Education (CJPE) is a resource and catalyst for developing education about collective Jewish belonging, often focused on the areas of Jewish peoplehood and Israel. Through its blog and Peoplehood Papers series, the organization generates dialog about the meaning and importance of Jewish peoplehood and how to nurture it.
Recently, I wrote an essay for the CJPE blog about the significant influence peoplehood had on the decision to have a Jewish home by inmarrying and intermarrying couples in a pre-marriage class that I taught at my synagogue. I discussed how we created a curriculum that showed how Jewish engagement could deepen connection to the Jewish people regardless of whether or not both partners were Jewish.
While the following piece addresses engaged couples, it applies to any family interested in building a Jewish home, regardless of life stage. The questions my co-teacher and I ask studentsâ€“why is being Jewish significant to you, what does it mean to have a Jewish home, how will you go about creating oneâ€“are relevant to us all. They are questions we should continually ask ourselves because as we journey through religion, spirituality and life, the answers may change.
I hope youâ€™ll share in the comment section below why you chose to be Jewish, what having a Jewish home meant when you got married, why being Jewish is important to you today and how your idea of a Jewish home has evolved.
This essay is reprinted with permission.
Six months ago, I began teaching a premarital class to intrafaith and interfaith couples being married by clergy at my synagogue. The impetus for the class was the increasing disaffiliation and disconnection of Jewish young adults from Jewish life.
Regardless of whether couples were endogamous or interfaith, we believed that marriage presented an opportunity to influence their religious engagement. We felt that this relationship stage provided us with the chance to effect faith related choices, something especially important as we sought to encourage more interfaith couples to participate in Judaism.
We recognized during premarital counseling that we asked inmarrying and intermarrying couples to make a Jewish home, but that many of these couples didnâ€™t know how to go about creating one. Most of the Jewish partners were raised in progressive Jewish households, either wholly Jewish or interfaith, and grew up practicing Judaism episodically. Their upbringing focused on the High Holidays, Passover, and Hanukkah and few participated in Jewish education post-b’nai mitzvah or remembered anything from religious school.
We wanted to push these often Jewishly illiterate and religiously disconnected couples to think about why being Jewish was significant to them and help them understand how to honor their commitment to have a Jewish home. So, we created a two- to four-week learning experience for engaged partners.
At the start of each session, we asked the couples how they decided to have a Jewish home and why having one was important to them. Interestingly, regardless of whether the Jewish partner or partners grew up secularly Jewish, episodically Jewish, modestly observant or very observant, the reason having a Jewish home was important was the same. All had a strong sense of belonging to the Jewish people.
We used our curriculum, which focused on Shabbat and community building, to show the couples how ritual and communal involvement, could deepen their feeling of Jewish peoplehood. We discussed how rituals, whether viewed as divine commandments or social customs, were a means to transmit Jewish heritage, beliefs, and values. We explained the importance of Shabbat and ways to embrace it. We talked about using the holiday to bring sacredness into the coupleâ€™s relationship and home.
These classroom discussions provided a foundation for what was in my opinion the most significant component of the classâ€“experiential learning. Over a Shabbat meal at a congregantâ€™s home, the students experienced the power of Shabbat in a communal setting. Since many of the couples didnâ€™t grow up with a Shabbat home ritual because their families weren’t observant or they weren’t Jewish, we wanted to demonstrate and demystify the holiday. The more relaxed social setting of a home also provided couples the opportunity to deepen the connections they were forming in the classroom demonstrating how Shabbat could be used to build community.
Forging relationships between students was high on our priority list because community was a significant predictor of Jewish engagement. Since we knew that adults with more densely Jewish social networks were more likely to engage in Judaism and raise Jewish children we added a second non-classroom learning experience. At the end of the program, we brought the couples together for Havdalah in a member’s home. This endpoint allowed us to expose participants to another ritual and gave students an opportunity to deepen their connection to each other.
When endogamous and interfaith couples make the decision to be married by a rabbi, it opens the door to a Jewish conversation. It gives us the chance to encourage Jewish choices. Using classroom and experiential learning plus premarital counseling, we can help Jewish and not Jewish partners see how Judaism can help them feel part of something bigger and connect them to Jewish life.
Last week was my motherâ€™s yahrzeit, the observance of the anniversary of her death. For someone who wasnâ€™t raised in a Jewish household, or in a Jewish-but-luckily-not-bereaved household, yahrzeit is one of those traditions that you donâ€™t really know about until you have to. There are public parts of observing yahrzeit, but the most powerful and probably widespread component is a private ritual in the home – a tiny glass candle burning for 24 hours, commemorating a day that you need to study up to remember, since it is the Hebrew calendar anniversary of a personâ€™s death, not the Gregorian calendar date. It is traced to Talmudic times, and references a biblical verse about the human soul representing the lamp or flame of God.
When I light my momâ€™s memorial candle, there is a part of the ritual that is about bringing her into our home through the candleâ€™s flame. Even more than the reminder of her spirit that the candle symbolizes, what is meaningful to me is the act of yahrzeit. When I light the candle, and watch the flame climb down the wick, placing it in a window, I bring my mom into myself, going through the steps I watched her take as a daughter who lost a parent early in her adult life.
I have very vivid memories of my mom lighting the yahrzeit candle for her father when I was a girl. I never knew my grandfather, but I knew the sacred moment when my mom was by herself with the flame of the candle every year, and felt the spirit of the candle flame holding court in our house for 24-hours every spring. Over time I have learned the ways that this act was one way she expressed her duty and gratitude as a daughter. Â Lighting the candle on her fatherâ€™s yahrzeit expressed her obligation to remember, to make space for him and their relationship on the same date every year, and to keep the reminder of loss alive for 24 hours.
The obligation was also uniquely her own. Â While we shared many aspects of our Jewish practice and our emotional lives in my household, my grandfatherâ€™s yahrtzeit was an individual tradition. Following in her footsteps, I make it my own, too. With my momâ€™s memorial anniversary within days of Motherâ€™s Day each year, I spend lots of time with Eric and the girls talking about my mom, visiting her grave, and doing special things that remind us of her. But lighting the candle is my own moment. It is my own personal obligation, and I think there is a power in holding it as an individual tradition, and having my girls understand that it is a part of remembering their grandmother that is my responsibility.
Last week, I snuck a moment to myself just after the girlsâ€™ bedtime, lighting the memorial candle in its small glass jar. I took the moment not only to reflect on my loss, but more importantly on my mother, and on what it means to be a daughter. I remember all of the life she breathed into me, all of the ways she made me into the person I am. I remember that it is my obligation to hold onto her spirit in this world, and to weave her memory into the ways I live my life.
I’ll never know know how important it would be to my mother that I light the candle every year. What I do know is that when I do it I am honoring her in the way I watched her honor her father, which means something to me.
Several months ago, I read Jennifer Seniorâ€™s All Joy No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood. Seniorâ€™s book is one of the few that examines the effects of children on their parents. How does parenthood affect our marriage, our work, our lifestyle, and our happiness?
Much of the book resonated with me, especially the chapter about the lengths parents go to develop their children so they can compete for spots at top colleges or athletic scholarships. Senior writes how this concerted cultivation has resulted in overscheduling and excessive parental involvement and contributed to the decline of real family activities such as meals.
One mother explains to Senior that, â€śhomework has replaced the family dinner.â€ť The reason for dinnerâ€™s displacement is that kids â€śtell you stuffâ€ť when you sit and create something together, and many parents donâ€™t cook anymore. Given the amount of time they spend schlepping kids to activities itâ€™s easier to do takeout. Senior wonders if the time spent in family study hall might not â€śbe more restorative and better spentâ€ť doing things that create family bonds, â€śthe stuff of customs and stories and affectionate memories.â€ť
When I read this, the first thing I thought of was Shabbat. Shabbat is all about restoration, connection, rituals, stories, and creating warm memories. On Friday evenings, we give thanks for time together and the food we eat, we remember through storiesâ€“Jewish and personalâ€“our connection to community and heritage, we take a break.
But even though Shabbat is a simple solution to the problem Senior describes and only requires a once a week commitment, many of us still struggle to do it. Weâ€™re busy with work and after school activities. We don’t have time to set a nice table or cook a meal. Our children would rather attend a high school football game or professional sporting event. I can relate.
When my son Sammy was in preschool, Shabbat was magical. On Friday afternoons, he and I baked challah. In the evenings, we gathered as a family, sat at a nicely set table, and said the prayers. Following the blessing for boys, my husband and I each whispered a special message in our sonâ€™s ear, and we shared with each other our favorite part of the week.
But as my son has grown, my family’s once magical Shabbat has lost some of its glow. We no longer sit down for a family dinner every week. When we do, our once carefully set table now looks like the one we eat at every weeknight: papers and magazines are pushed to a corner, and nondescript placemats and napkins decorate the surface. Our challah is store-bought, and my family who is starving and a little grumpy, requests the fast version of the blessings.
Because our Shabbat practice no longer seems special, it would be easy for us to surrender to our hectic schedule, to say we can’t celebrate, to abandon our flawed observance. But each week, we find ourselves trying to honor our ritual in some way.
During football season, if Sammyâ€™s school is playing at home, we light the candles and bless the challah before we go as a family to the game. In the spring, if we have tickets to see our local minor league baseball team on a Friday night, we wish each other â€śShabbat Shalomâ€ť as we enjoy Americaâ€™s pastime.
But itâ€™s when we do enjoy a real Shabbat dinner, even a thrown together one, that we remember the power of this ancient ritual. Over long discussions of the weekâ€™s Torah portion that encourage us to talk about life, politics, history, sports, and other subjects, we reconnect. During after dinner walks or family board games or while sitting by a fire, we relax.
Whether spent at the dinner table or the ballpark, these few hours help us to recharge, bond and create memories. Thatâ€™s the magic of Shabbat.
At the end of the chapter on concerted cultivation, Senior suggests that parents make dinner the new family dinner. I love the idea but know that in my home, family dinner isnâ€™t going to happen every weeknight. But I can make family time happen on Shabbat.
So, stop saying, â€śYou canâ€™t,â€ť or â€śYouâ€™re too busy.â€ť Find a way to celebrate Shabbat. You might just find that it becomes your new family dinner even if dinner is a hot dog at the ballpark.
When I was pregnant with our first daughter, my husbandÂ and I were living in the mountains of North Carolina. We spent the first several months of my pregnancy worrying that weâ€™d need to bring in a mohel from who-knows-where, if we happened to have a baby boy. Would we have to ask someone to drive in from Atlanta, three hours away? Or perhaps Charlotte, a mere two-and-a-half?
When we found out that the baby would be a girl, we breathed a sigh of relief on that score, at least. Understanding what happened at a baby naming, though, seemed much more complicated than the task assigned to a mohel.
I had dozens of questions for my husband, though, about baby namings for Jewish girls. What happens at them? Did it require synagogue membership, or a rabbi? Were there set prayers or actions to follow? The lack of clear guidance on what to do in such a ceremony baffled me, given my greater familiarity with baptism and the UU baby-welcoming tradition which often feature a rose in addition to water. Our nearest localÂ Jewish community at the time consisted of a dozen wonderful retirees led byÂ a retired cantor and an active layman who servedÂ as the groupâ€™s unofficial rabbi. We attended Friday night services sporadically in the fellowship hall of the local Catholic church. The Jewish community had just celebrated a milestone by purchasing a Torah, housing it in an ark-on-wheels in the priestâ€™s personal study.
When Laurel was born several months later, the community was thrilled to host her baby naming. I seemed to think that a naming needed to happen soon after a babyâ€™s birth, so we scheduled ours for a few weeks after she was born, despite her somewhat premature arrival. Relatives from both sides of the family poured in from across the country to celebrate the arrival of their first grandchild, first great-niece, and newest second cousin once-removed (etc).
We held her baby naming during one of the Friday night services. It happened to be the 99th birthday of the communityâ€™s oldest member, and everyoneâ€™s eyes were alight with wonder at this dual celebration of someone at the very start of their life, and someone else whose life had lasted for a remarkably long time, and who remained quite spry besides.
The ceremony opened with an affirmation of our choice to raise Laurel in the Jewish tradition (see, I didnâ€™t think I was mistaken), as well as our identity as an interfaith family. In the ceremony, we expressed our desire to welcome Laurel into the covenant and the revelation of the Torah. The congregation said the Shehecheyanu, and Ben and I said a Brachah for bringing her into the covenant. We wrapped Laurel in her grandmotherâ€™s tallit as Lâ€™Dor vâ€™Dor (From Generation to Generation) was read. There was not a dry eye in the room, from Laurelâ€™s Catholic great-grandparents and Jewish grandparents on her fatherâ€™s side to her Episcopalian grandparents on her motherâ€™s side.
After the formal blessings, we brought out one of our menorahs, a brass, silver, and bronze affair with arms that could be arranged in a row, or in a circle. We arranged the arms in a circle, and relatives from all sides of the family read pre-assigned passages from the Hebrew Bible about light coming into the world, as if to emphasize the new light that shines with the birth of any baby.
Several years later, our second daughter was born, even more premature than the first. We didnâ€™t hold a baby naming ceremony for her until almost six months after she was born. We were not yet affiliated with any synagogue in the area, so we held Hollyâ€™s naming at home, and conducted the ceremony ourselves. It hadn’t occurred to me that a rabbi could come to our home to do the ceremony, but my Jewish other-half assured me that really, we could just do it ourselves – say words and prayers that would enter her into the wider Jewish community of the covenant. Relatives who lived far away â€śattendedâ€ť via Skype, and one set of maternal grandparents sent a pre-recorded video to play during the ceremony. Instead of meeting in a Catholic churchâ€™s fellowship hall, we met in our living room, guests scattered on couches and folding chairs.
Iâ€™m somewhat embarrassed to say that we changed very little of the first ceremony for the second. Iâ€™ll never forget when Laurel quickly rushed through her own words of welcome to her still-new sisterâ€”â€śI-love-you-Holly-Iâ€™m-so-glad-youâ€™re-my-sisterâ€ťâ€”in front of her assembled relatives. The mainÂ difference was that we asked each guest to say a few words of welcome to Holly as they lit a tea light, rather than the pre-arranged readings using the menorah. We also chose a version of L’Dor v’Dor taken from the Unitarian Universalist hymnal.
Looking back on it, I am glad we held the ceremonies in the way that we did. Both ceremonies upheld our decision to give our children a Jewish identity, and I did not feel too strange about not doing something ritualisticÂ to include each baby in Unitarian Universalism. After all, it was difficult enough to coordinate the schedules of so many scattered relatives for one ceremony, that I cannot imagine how we might have tried to fit in a second baby-welcoming ceremony in another tradition as well!
As someone with an enduring academic interest in ritual, it feels right that we held ceremonies for welcoming our children. If learning about Jewish baby-naming ceremonies taught me anything about ritual, they gave me an appreciation for the flexibility of tradition. Our ceremonies reminded me of the ways in which something (like religion or ritual) that can seem hallowed by time can actually be quite ad-hoc, adapted to the moment, while still feeling like something time-honored.
As the end of the school year approaches, my family is actively planning our summer vacation. This year weâ€™re traveling to Santa Fe for art, culture and hiking.
As I’ve done since my husband and I began traveling together before we married, Iâ€™m researching the various landmarks, historical sites and things to do at our destination. Iâ€™m also looking at how we can incorporate Jewish heritage into our trip.
Often we think that we must travel to Israel in order to explore Jewish life and history. But, Jewish heritage, like the heritage of other faiths especially Christianity, exists the world over.
For example, when my husband and I traveled to Europe, we visited many famous churches and cathedrals, but we also stopped at Jewish cultural sites. In Paris, we visited the renowned French Gothic cathedral Notre Dame on the same day we walked through the nearby Jewish Quarter in the Marais district.
While walking the streets of the Pletzel, the Yiddish name of the Jewish district, we stopped at the MusĂ©e d’Art et d’Histoire du JudaĂŻsme. The museum, housed in the 17th-century mansion known as the HĂ´tel de Saint-Aignan, presented the 2,000-year history of the Jewish community in France and positioned French Jewry in the broader context of Judaism as a whole. It featured magnificent ritual objects from across the ages, tombstones from the Middle Ages and Judaic art from various periods, and it depicted Jewish life in Paris during Emancipation and at the beginning of World War II.
In Rome, we toured the Vatican and the remains of the Jewish ghetto, Great Synagogue, and Jewish Museum. We viewed Michelangeloâ€™s Renaissance masterpiece in the Sistine Chapel and discovered that it wasnâ€™t the only magnificently painted ceiling in a Roman religious institution. The ceiling and interior of the Tempio Maggiore di Roma (The Great Synagogue of Rome) were magical. The inside of the square aluminum dome had a rainbow and trees, and the ceiling was a rich blue with gold stars that looked brilliant against the massive 50-foot free-standing ark.
In Prague, the Jewish Quarter with the Jewish Museum, Ceremonial Hall, Old-New and Spanish Synagogues, and the old Jewish cemetery, captivated us while the Church of St. Nicholas dazzled. In Budapest, we spent time at St. Stephenâ€™s Basilica and investigated my ancestral roots at the grand Dohany Street or Great Synagogue.
This summer, in Santa Fe, we plan to investigate the Jewish influences in the city from iconic churches to art. We look forward to finding the Hebrew inscription for the name of God above the entrance to St. Francis Cathedral. Some people believe the engraving is a tribute to a Jewish benefactor who helped finance the construction of the church. We are also excited to learn how Judaism mixed with local culture.
Travel provides a wonderful opportunity for interfaith families to explore the Jewish and not Jewish religious and cultural traditions of an area. It shows us how Judaism intermingled with general culture offering new insights and context to the Jewish experience. It reminds us, and our children, that there is more to Jewish history than persecution and Israel. When we mix in stops at synagogues, Jewish museums, and other venues with visits to sites important to other faiths, we get a fuller picture of the world. We also develop a richer sense of Jewish heritage.
This summer, as you travel with your family, bring some balance to your sightseeing. Visit breathtaking cathedrals and churches as well as Jewish points-of-interest. Before you go, check out the travel website Jewish Discoveries to find lesser-known areas of Jewish culture. Use your trips to learn more about your familyâ€™s background and deepen your familyâ€™s connection to Judaism.
Recently, my older daughter Laurel was pretending that her father and I were guests at her house, and we were helping to take care of her while her parents were out at a meeting. She showed me the kitchen, and suggested I might want to make mac nâ€™ cheese for her and her baby sister. Over dinner, she decided to talk about her family.
â€śI am Jewish, and my daddy is Jewish, so we just celebrated Passover,â€ť she said.
â€śOh, that must have been fun,â€ť I replied.
â€śYeah, it was tons of fun!â€ť
â€śWhat other holidays do you celebrate?â€ť I asked, curious to hear how she might answer.
â€śWe also celebrate Hanukkah, of course,â€ť she continued, â€śbut we have Christmas too,â€ť she said, â€śbecause my mommy is Christian.â€ť
â€śOh, really?â€ť I replied. â€śThatâ€™s interesting. I think your mommy told me once that she actually is more of a Unitarian Universalist,â€ť I clarified, thinking fast. Well, UUs historically were Christian, but today, many UUs wouldnâ€™t call themselves Christian, for a variety of reasons, not least because they can’t quite accept some of the central tenets of Christianity. Oh, ack,Â what do I say! Iâ€™m much more of a cultural Christian, I suppose, since I was raised in the Episcopalian church, but, but, butâ€¦ how do I explain this in one sentence, to a 5-year-old!Â
I continued to play along with theÂ conversation. â€śI suppose your mommy is sort of Christian. Sheâ€™s a very, very liberal Christian,â€ť I added. â€śAnd she celebrates Christmas, yes.â€ť Perhaps it would be best to save explanations of nineteenth-century doctrinal changes for a few years, I thought.
When my husband Ben and I first started dating, one of our first outings as a couple was to hear Harvey Cox speak on his book about raising a Jewish child, Common Prayers: Faith, Family, and a Christianâ€™s Journey Through the Jewish Year. Weâ€™d only been dating for a fewÂ weeks, so attending this event seemed kind of significant, and definitely nerve-wracking. What I learned, though, was that Cox and his wife, who is Jewish, decided to raise their son Jewish because of matrilineal descent. When it came to Christmas and other Christian holidays, they would simply tell him that those were his fatherâ€™s holidays.
This sounded like simple enough advice, and something to think more about.
I now know that this suggestion is hardly quite so simple, and that questions of identity will look different for different children as they age.
When Ben and I started to discuss marriage, it also seemed simple to decide that our children, if we were blessed with any, would be Jewish. Or at least thatâ€™s how I remember the conversation going. Weâ€™d just gotten engaged a couple of days earlier, and were sitting on the old green futon that functioned as our first couch back in the grad-school days. I told Ben, â€śIâ€™ve been thinking about this, and since Judaism has an ethnic component to it, as well as a religious one, I think our kids should be raised Jewish.â€ť
I remember the surprise, and the happiness, that I saw in his eyes. â€śReally? Youâ€™d do that? Because Reform Judaism accepts patrilineal descent,â€ť he told me, â€śmeaning that Judaism can pass through the father as well as the mother. Iâ€™m so glad youâ€™re open to this!â€ť
Our ketubah, which we wrote ourselves almost a year after getting engaged, seems to imply a different intention. Iâ€™ve just looked at it hanging there in our living room now, and it clearly expresses our desire to create a home that honors our Jewish and Unitarian Universalist heritages, one that, should we be blessed with children, would â€śhonor justice, respect diversity, love the holy, and make whole the world.â€ť This phrase rather nicely sums up what Ben and I hold most dear, theologically speaking, but nowhere does it say weâ€™re going to raise our children as solely Jewish!
Thatâ€™s funny, I find myself thinking. I thought weâ€™d agreed to raise our kids Jewish? Didnâ€™t I tell Ben that I agreed that we should raise Jewish children?
Or did I mean that I wanted to be sure they had a Jewish identity, even if that identity is only one of the labels a child might choose? After all, we have two Christmas-celebrating Jewish children, childrenÂ who receive Easter cards each spring from still-confused relatives, childrenÂ who this year participated gleefully in their first Easter-egg hunt.
At least, it sounds confusing to me. Iâ€™m not sure itâ€™s confusing to our older daughter. Itâ€™s simply who she is. Just a couple of weeks ago, she was proud to share a box of matzah with her class at school, and on the way home that day, she told me, â€śIâ€™m the only Jewish kid in my school.â€ť Iâ€™m not sure thatâ€™s quite numerically true of the school, even if it is of her classroom. However, what rings more true than a statistic is the extent to which, at this point, Laurel clearly considers herself to be Jewishâ€”and whether sheâ€™d say it this way or not, she knows, too, that itâ€™s not quite that simple.
There are times in life when weâ€™re in the zone. Weâ€™re so involved in performing or participating in an activity that we get lost in the experience. Other times, weâ€™re more of a participant-observer. Weâ€™re engaged in the action or event, but we have enough distance from what is happening that we can study or reflect on what is going on at the moment.
I had a participant-observer experience at the Passover Seder we attended this year. We celebrated the first night of the holiday at our friendâ€™s house. We met this family when we first moved to Dallas. The wife and I were in a Mommy & Me class together at the JCC. We were kindred spirits and both intermarried Jewish women raising Jewish children with the support of our not Jewish husbands. We became close friends quickly and navigated the joys and challenges of intermarriage and observed holidays together.
Over the years, our families had celebrated Passover with each other so many times that we had a holiday routine. We read a Haggadah for young families. The adults and kids ate at separate tables. The same friends and family filled the seats. But this year there were several changes to our typical ritual. We graduated to a Haggadah for families with elementary and middle school age children. The adults and kids sat together at one long table in my friendâ€™s living room. There were new faces seated among the usual suspects.
Maybe those changes made me listen more carefully and observe more closely, or maybe I was simply more attentive on that particular evening. Whatever the reason for my heightened awareness, I saw several things that made this Passover different from others. I noticed that a regular Seder attendee, who brought her new boyfriend, was more relaxed and contented than she was in years past. I noted the good behavior of a usually mischievous young guest. I marveled at my husbandâ€™s and my friendâ€™s husbandâ€™s Hebrew skills.
It was this last observation that grabbed me the most. How had I not noticed before how well both of these men pronounced and enunciated Hebrew words? Was this facility with Hebrew new or had it been there for a while, and I missed it?
After more than a decade of living a Jewish life, I knew that my husband and my friendâ€™s husband could recite, in Hebrew, most of the Friday evening Shabbat blessings. And I knew my husband had participated in Havdalah enough times that he could sing the prayers. But the Hebrew words that were part of their assigned Haggadah readings werenâ€™t familiar. Yes, there was transliteration. But transliteration was a pronunciation, not enunciation, tool. These guys pronounced the Hebrew clearly and crisply with the right emphasis.
Maybe the language skills of my husband and my friendâ€™s husband stood out to me because of how different they were from many of the Jewish guests. Both husbands read the transliterated Hebrew with confidence. Many of the Jewish participants read the Hebrew hesitantly, mispronouncing words and using incorrect articulation. Several times during the Haggadah reading, these guests acknowledged that they had not done much Jewishly since their bar or bat mitzvah.
The scenario demonstrated how repeated exposure to Hebrew and frequent involvement in Jewish life can positively affect Jewish fluency regardless of someoneâ€™s religious background. It also highlighted why the usual rhetoric about intermarriedsâ€”they are less likely to raise Jewish children or associate themselves with Jewish practiceâ€”isnâ€™t universally true. Rather, it illustrated how a focus on engaging interfaith families benefits Judaism.
As the children at our Seder recited the Four Questions, a fifth question came to mind. Ma Nishtantah? Why are Jewishly active interfaith families different from other Jewish families? The answer: regular engagement with Judaism.