Milestones

Where am I? Somewhere between adoption and something else. I don’t know what just yet. But as I pause here wondering which way to go, I’ve had some time to think and most of that thinking has been about the question I asked in my last post, “who am I if I’m not a mother?”

As a person that is not married and has no children I spend a lot of time sitting in the pew watching traditional families (married couples with kids) on their way up to the bimah – baby namings, bar/bat mitzvahs, and wedding blessings (aufruf), wedding anniversaries. Jewish ritual greets traditionals at every turn ready to teach how Torah can speak to them at that particular time in their lives, affirming their place in the community and marking it with congregational celebration.

But what if these events don’t happen in your life? Then who are you? Who am I? I don’t find it surprising that a loss of identity is an outcome of infertility and/or failed adoption because so much of Jewish life is structured by these milestones in traditional family life.

“I love my church and I hate my church” a friend who is struggling with infertility tells me. She sighs and adds, “everything is centered around the kids so I’m an outsider when I most need my community.” The Jewish community is no different.

That’s not to say that I’m not happy for all these families. I am. But couldn’t we be more inclusive? Aren’t there transitions that occur in adult life aside from marriage and kids that cry out for engagement in Jewish learning, ritual and celebration?

What if we had a ritual marking the entery into adult life after college or a program of study at the turning of 40 years old (which is a time of deep soul searching for some)? Or for retirees that are adjusting from work to retirement and wondering how to re-imagine their lives? I don’t mean just a class or an aliyah but a full program of study culminating a unique and appropriately sacramental recognition. Wouldn’t ceremonial and educational opportunities like these add to the richness of our congregations and to the lives of those that participate?

As our community continues to change maybe we need to think about re-structuring or simply adding more milestones on the Jewish pathway through life -  after all Judaism has something to say every Jew wherever they may be. 

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2 thoughts on “Milestones

  1. As someone who struggled with infertility, i get the whole identity thing.  Especially in a culture where family is rated so highly and everything revolves around children and parenting it seems.  I actually avoided other humans for a long time because all the classes would end up on “well how do i teach this to my children” and would be a painful reminder.  I’m still not sure what the answer is. 

  2.     As a separated person with my child living with his father, I feel lost at times.
    All the “family” emphasis gets painful. Sure, there’s a group at synagogue for singles of different age brackets. But, I’m legally married for 24 years and single for five of those years now. How could synagogue and Jewish life include people like me? Yes, I’m happy for the families but I’m a part of some other world…neither fully married except on paper nor fully single. Input welcomed.

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