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ByÂ HilaÂ Ratzabi
Heâ€™s not even 3 months old, but already three people have commented on my newbornâ€™s name: â€śThatâ€™s not very Jewish!â€ť And if our experience is anything like the one described by Keren McGinity in her blog post on what counts as a Jewish name, we can look forward to a lifetime of judgment.
As McGinity notes, people make a lot of assumptions about a personâ€™s Jewish identity based on their name. This often comes to the forefront when youâ€™re part of an interfaith family, where names can reflect a variety of identities. My babyâ€™s first name is Emilio, and he has his dadâ€™s last name, which is also â€śnot very Jewishâ€ť (unsurprisingly, because my husband isnâ€™t Jewish). Yet I am Jewish, and according to traditional understandings of Jewish identity, the mother passes down religious identity, so my son is also Jewish.
Even so, I donâ€™t believe being a Jewish mother gives my family a free pass: If you choose to raise your child as Jewish, it doesnâ€™t matter which of the parents is Jewish. I believe that behavior trumps bloodline. It shouldnâ€™t be taken as a given that having one Jewish parent, or even two Jewish parents, automatically guarantees you Jewishly-engaged childrenâ€”that takes active commitment on the part of both parents. In our case, I made clear on our third date that should we ever get married and have kids, that we would raise them Jewish, not just in name but in practice.
So why does it make me uncomfortable when people comment on my sonâ€™s â€śnot so Jewishâ€ť name? Maybe Iâ€™m already sensitive to judgment of intermarried couples; the notion that intermarriage is a threat to Jewish continuity is still prevalent, though waning. My sonâ€™s supposedly non-Jewish name brands him as â€śother.â€ť But what makes a Jewish name, really? Havenâ€™t Jews always been a global people, influencing other cultures while absorbing their flavor? While many Jewish names traditionally come from Hebrew, others represent the intermingling of languages in the places where Jews found themselves (and even Hebrew substantially borrowed from other ancient languages!).
Another assumption people tend to make is that Jews are white and predominantly Ashkenazi. Organizations like Jews in All Hues and the Jewish Multiracial Network exist in order to shatter that stereotype. In fact, Iâ€™m not totally Ashkenazi, even though Iâ€™m quite light-skinned. While my mother is Ashkenazi, my fatherâ€™s family has both Yemenite and Sephardic lineages, and I am Israeli. My fatherâ€™s mother spoke Ladino (Judeo-Spanish), and while we searched for baby names, we came across some very â€śexoticâ€ť-sounding Ladino names, many with Spanish influences.
So far, itâ€™s been other Jews who have commented on my sonâ€™s â€śnot so Jewishâ€ť name. But for the general (white) population, I expect a different issue to emerge. To non-Jews, my sonâ€™s name reads not as â€śnon-Jewish,â€ť but as Hispanic. In this way he is doubly â€śotheredâ€ť: not Jewish enough for the Jewish community, and not white enough for everyone else.
What will my sonâ€™s experience be like as a minority within a minority? Neither my husband nor myself share this distinction with our son. Each of us comes from our own minority community (Jewish for me, Mexican for him), but neither of us is both.
Our sonâ€™s name is the surface others will have to look beneath in order to discover the multiple layers of identity hidden there. After all, his middle name, Maor, is Hebrew, but one wouldnâ€™t know that until probing further.
While I worry that Emilio will have trouble being accepted in Jewish communities, I appreciate the fact that people will need to make an effort to change their assumptions about who counts as Jewish. They will have to look below the surface and meet the person behind the name.
Hopefully we will raise our son to wear his Jewish identity proudly, so when people say, â€śThatâ€™s not a Jewish name,â€ť heâ€™ll be able to reply with confidence, â€śActually, yes it is.â€ť
This article was reprinted with permission from Kveller.com, a fast-growing, award-winning website for parents raising Jewish and interfaith kids. Follow Kveller on Facebook and sign up for their newsletters here.
HilaÂ Ratzabiâ€™s nonfiction has appeared in theÂ Forward, Zeek, Freerange Nonfiction, and other venues. Her poetry has been published inÂ Narrative, Alaska Quarterly Review, Linebreak, and other journals, and inÂ The Bloomsbury Anthology of Contemporary Jewish American Poetry. She holds an MFA from Sarah Lawrence College, and lives in Philadelphia where she founded the Red Sofa Salon & Poetry Workshop.
Some people believe that when a child is born the angel of death and the angel of mercy stand in the room side by side. During the delivery of my baby I watched the monitor as her heart rate dropped and lifted with every contraction. â€śThe cord is wrapped around her neck,â€ť the doctor said, â€śdonâ€™t worry this is very common.â€ť
In Hebrew the Malach Hamavet, the angel of death, is a warning. He is sent by God to show how precious life is. He is the angel who made himself known to David, Samuel and Moses and he was in my delivery room making everybody nervous.
My partner, Adrian, who is originally from Mexico is not afraid of the angel of death. The Catholics in Mexico have a Saint that signifies death; they call her â€śLa Muerteâ€ť and she is a good luck charm. Day of the Dead in Mexico celebrates death. People bring food to the graves of the ones who had passed. They actually cook the favorite meals of the deceased and bring them to the cemeteries as a celebration.
â€śDonâ€™t worry, donâ€™t worryâ€¦â€ť Adrian said even though with all his faith in God and the Virgin and even La Muerte I could see fear in his eyes.
How could I not worry? This was my first child. I had carried her for nine months. I had taken all of my vitamins, exercised, eaten right and slept well. I wanted her journey into this world to be safe and harmless. That would be too easy though. Even when my doctor asked me three months before delivery if I had a birth plan, I said â€śNoâ€ť and she said, â€śThat doesnâ€™t matter. Anything you plan never goes as planned anyway.â€ť
I did what any Jewish girl from Brooklyn trapped in a room with the Angel of Death would do: I called on the ghosts of my Grandmothers.
Grandma Helen had been a social worker. She was a Barnard Graduate when women were not pushed to go to school. When her son, my uncle, had some trouble she sold her wedding ring to send him into therapy. Grandma Rosie raised four boys, two of her own and two of her sisters’. She read the stocks every day and always had Tanqueray gin and Canada Dry tonic water in her fridge until the day she passed away.
The greatest thing about being with Adrian is that his beliefs and my beliefs often merge and intertwine. He didnâ€™t think it was at all strange that I had propped up photos of my two Grandmothers in the delivery room. He knew La Muerte was there and she was cunning. I felt the Malach Hamavet and he was filing his nails waiting for my next move.
When the ghosts of Grandma Helen and Grandma Rosie showed up, death packed up his things and left. I pictured my Grandmothers barging in with plaid suitcases and polka dot dresses pulling a cigarette out from Death’s lips and pointing to the door. My Grandmothers basically took over and stood behind the doctor as I pushed for forty minutes. On the last push as the baby came out I saw the cord around her neck. A nurse reached over to take the baby and the doctor smacked the nurse’s hand away and untied the cord from my daughterâ€™s neck faster than I thought was possible. In my heart I knew it was my Grandmother untying that cord. No doctor in his or her right mind would smack a nurseâ€™s hand away. Grandma Rosie would do that.
If my newborn had been born a boy we would have named him David, for my father and Zacharias for Adrianâ€™s grandfather. Because the baby is a girl her name was easy for us to choose: Helen Rose. She took Adrianâ€™s last name to symbolize both of our cultures. She took my two Grandmothers’ names to symbolize strength.
Whatâ€™s unique about interfaith families is that there is always more than one way to do something. Two faiths offer more choices. Now on the Day of the Dead we wonâ€™t only bring traditional Mexican dishes to Adrianâ€™s deceased family members, we will bring plates of food to my Grandmothers as well. On Day of the Dead we will cook for my father, for my grandfathers and for my Uncle Mark. The menu will be a mix of pastrami on rye, borscht, perogis and other favorite dishes of my family.
Baby Helen Rose will witness a coming together of cultures, a mixture of faiths and we will continue to highlight the importance of both as a presence in her life. She will learn the Hebrew prayer for mourning called â€śKaddishâ€ť and we will light candles in memory of those who have passed on. When she is old enough I will show her photographs of Grandma Helen and Grandma Rosie and explain that these women live on in her. They come back to life once a year on the Day of the Dead. They put down their plaid suitcases and straighten their skirts and like most Jewish women in my family they ask the same question when their ghosts arrive each year: â€śWhat time do we eat?â€ť