Why I Do Not Want My Children to Intermarry

When I first graduated from my MBA program a lot of important things happened in my life.  I got a new job, I got engaged to a Jewish man and I was called out in a lawsuit for being anti-Semitic.  This is not something I think about much anymore, but I was specifically named in the lawsuit for my anti-Semitic ways.  I remember the day I was served I thought, but I am marrying a Jew, how can I possibly be anti-Semitic?  I am raising my kids as Jews.  The whole thing didn’t make sense to me.

The woman who served the company with the lawsuit took what I did and said out of context, and the lawsuit was eventually ruled on in my favor.  But, what she said to me has in some part stuck with me.  She told me that the numbers of Jews are decreasing.  By marrying a Jewish man I am in fact aiding in decreasing the number of Jews in the world.  Her final conclusion was that I was so dedicated to ending the Jewish religion that I was giving my life to marry a Jew in my attempt to lessen the numbers.  She called me some not to nice names as well, but I won’t repeat them.  She was a little crazy.

I have been thinking about this a lot, as I have been trying to formulate a response to Steve’s comment regarding my recent post about not wanting my kids to intermarry.  Is my reticence to allow my kids to do what I did rooted in my desire to prove her wrong?  Or at least not let her be right.  I think that there is more to it than that, but there is probably a small amount of truth there.  I don’t want to contribute to the decline in numbers.

Being intermarried is not super easy, especially when the spouse does not convert.  Right, wrong or indifferent, I was inaugurated into the Jewish faith with “a don’t ask don’t tell policy.”  I look Jewish enough to pass muster at temple.  No one questions me.  I don’t correct people.  While everyone at our temple is really friendly and I doubt any of them care, there is still a sense of not belonging that is hard to shake.  My peers in this situation have responded by either converting or not being involved.  There is a small stalwart group of us that is involved and not converted.  We meet for coffee under the cover of darkness.

Again, the people at our temple are really warm and welcoming.  What I am talking about is not a specific issue, but rather a general feeling.  There is so much written and discussed about not wanting Jews to intermarry.  There is still an underlying current of disapproval for making that choice.  Just look around and see how easy it is to find a rabbi that will marry an interfaith couple, or a mohel who will perform a bris for a baby born to a non-Jewish mother, even if the non-Jewish partner is fully and wholly committed to raising the children as Jews.

Being a clueless optimist, it really never occurred to me that it might be hard when I made these choices.  But, I am less pie-eyed about my decision, and I realize that it is not something most people can do.  I do not want my kids to find themselves in a place where they forced to choose between their religion and their potential spouse.  One way to eliminate that is to not date out of the faith.  Old-fashioned, archaic one might say, but also avoids the potential for conflict.

Bottom line, marriage is hard work.  The fewer areas of potential conflict you have with your spouse the better.  I want my kids to be happy and successful, and as such, it seems marrying a Jew would be easier.  That said, my husband and I make a good team.  I don’t know that I could have found a better partner in my own faith.

What about the grandkids?

I just learned yesterday that if you text a member of the opposite sex the word “Heyy” with two “y’s” you are in a relationship.  Three “y’s” means you are married, one is only friends.  I guess my husband and I are only friends because he only gets one “y.”  While there was a certain amount of awkward joking about the subject, what I was learning was that my oldest son (in middle school) was starting to think that girls didn’t have cooties and that he might want a girlfriend, at some point, not now he quickly reassured me.

The girl he has a crush on is cute and she seems nice enough.  I am pretty sure she is not smart enough for him, but she has enough spunk to put him in his place.  I like her sense of humor and her unique style.  BUT, you know there had to be a but, she is not Jewish.  Talk about talking out of both sides of your mouth, but I don’t want my baby to date a non-Jew.  I think it is so strange that I, of all people, am upset that he might want to marry a non-Jew.  I actually sort of have this vehement need to demand that he does not marry a non-Jew.  There might be a little foot stamping and room sending as well.  Guess I have more in common with my Jewish elders that I thought.

I asked Mac about how he felt about dating a non-Jew.  His response was that he was not likely to marry this girl.  True.  That there are not a lot of Jewish girls running around here in the epicenter of Christianity.  True.  That his father didn’t think it was important enough to marry a Jewish girl and their kids have turned out alright.  True.  That said, I feel like all the hard work and sacrifice I have made is really for nothing if it does not go further than my own kids.  These kids need to create more Jewish kids.  (This raises a whole issue of what sort of Grandma I will be, but I am too young and sassy to address that.)

We talked a bit more about whom he might want to marry.  He said that he didn’t really care what religion she was, but he did want the kids to be raised as Jews.  While this was marginally comforting, it did drive home the point that we do need to be extra vigilant in making sure that being Jewish is something important enough that our kids want to pass it on to their kids.  This conversation is not over.  Mac is just starting to think about girls and he is still really young.   I am sure that we will have lots of opportunity to talk about the girls he likes and does not like.  I hope that he makes good choices.

I am not sure what we need to do exactly about this, but I continue to try and create as Jewish a household as I can.  We celebrate Shabbat weekly, we go to temple on a regular basis and the kids view themselves as Jews.  I realize that I cannot make them “love being Jewish,” but I hope that they do.  Cuz this non-Jewish mom wants some Jewish grandkids, or else you can just march yourself up to your room.