Our updated booklet, Weddings For The Interfaith Couple, walks you through all of the traditions for the big day, starting with two to think about in advance (choosing a wedding contract known as a ketubah and topics to consider when meeting with your wedding officiant).
The Voices & Visions™ program elicits the power of art to communicate great Jewish ideas. The project aims to inspire conversation, instill pride, and spark creativity among diverse audiences and ages. It is co-sponsored by the PJ Library® program.
As parents, we have expectations about what our children will be like when they grow up. Sometimes it's hard to accept our children's choices, especially when they fall in love with and decide to spend their life with someone who grew up in a different faith tradition.
A great way for Jewish professionals and volunteers who work with and provide programming for people in interfaith relationships to locate resources and trainings to build more welcome into their Jewish communities; connect with and learn from each other; and publicize and enhance their programs and services.
This past week was all about fun. Lisa and I decided to have one last getaway before we are putting all our energy and savings into our wedding. We booked a hotel deal on hotwire. We then purchased tickets for the Austrialian party band, The Griswolds. We bought tickets for one of our favorite podcaster/comedian Marc Maron. We then put some clothes in a bag and headed to Indiana. It was nice to just spend some time together, eat food, be entertained, and eat food. (We ate a lot) In keeping with the fun spirit from the weekend, I wanted to write a lighthearted piece while still being informative.
On our wedding day, we are having more of a traditional Jewish Ceremony, but in a chapel. One of the main parts of the ceremony is having our Rabbi recite the Seven Blessings.
Here are the Seven Blessings (Traditional English):
1. Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the Universe, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
2. Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has created everything for your glory.
3. Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Creator of Human Beings.
4. Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has fashioned human beings in your image, according to your likeness and has fashioned from it a lasting mold. Blessed are You Adonai, Creator of Human Beings.
5. Bring intense joy and exultation through the in gathering of Her children (Jerusalem). Blessed are You, Adonai, are the One who gladdens Israel through Her children’s return.
6. Gladden the beloved companions as You gladdened Your creatures in the garden of Eden. Blessed are You, Adonai, Who gladdens this couple.
7. Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who created joy and gladness, loving couples, mirth, glad song, pleasure, delight, love, loving communities, peace, and companionship. Adonai, our God, let there soon be heard in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem the sound of joy and the sound of gladness, the voice of the loving couple, the sound of the their jubilance from their canopies and of the youths from their song-filled feasts. Blessed are You Who causes the couple to rejoice, one with the other.
I originally was trying to think of a Top 7 Blessings We Wish We Heard At Our Wedding. Then I thought about the Top 7 Blessings Ryan Would Like, the Top 7 Blessings Lisa would like, etc. I still may post them as we still have awhile to go before the big day, but today I went with:
The Seven Blessings with a Modern Time Update for Our Inter-Faith Wedding:
Letterman owns the top 10 list, but we have a special list of 7
1. Thank You God, for creating such wonderful food for our guests to enjoy. Indian Food, Holtmanâ€™s Doughnuts, and Drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic).
2. Thank You God, for creating our beautiful venue, who created the inspiration for the chapel and the inspiration for our ceremony.
3. Thank You God, who made the both of us just the way we are.
4. Thank You God, who made us able to fit into our fancy suit and wedding dress.
5. Thank You God, who brought Lisa and I together. Thank You for showing us that we are welcome in all Your Houses of worship. Thank You for welcoming us into Your Communities.
6. Thank You God, for all the happiness you have given us and continue to give. We know it comes with hard times as well, but we are thankful for the moments of happiness we are given with one another.
7. Thank You God, for getting us to our wedding day and through our wedding day, surrounded by love, family, friends, food, and music. Thank You for making this day happen.
Sorry for the radio silence; throughout these last few weeks, I have been going on a series of vacations and experiences: adventures with Sam. He has taken me to Londonderry, NH, Grand Rapids, MI, Lambertville, NJ, and Allentown, PA. Itâ€™s been a busy month!
Sam at Moonlight Meadery
In the beginning of June, we visited Moonlight Meadery in Londonderry, New Hampshire. They gave us a tour of their facility and we tasted about 14 different meads (honey-wine). It is incredible how they can mimic the flavors of apple pie or mojito with fermented honey. While we were in Londonderry, we visited a local brewery (603 Brewery) and a winery (Zorvino Vineyards). We can now say that we have been to a meadery, winery, and brewery in 2 days.
Last weekend, we drove to Michigan for the National Homebrew Conference.Â This is Samâ€™s jam- three days of all you can drink homebrewed beer! About a hundred different homebrew clubs from all over the country brought their best beers, and vendors showcased brewing equipment and supplies, and poured us more beer. Besides drinking and talking to vendors, there were about 50 different seminars.Â These speakers, titans of the beer worldâ€”Mitch Steele, Brew Master atÂ Stone Brewing CompanyÂ and John Palmer, author ofÂ How to Brew,Â and many othersâ€”talked about how different yeast cultures react in different temperatures, how to improve fermentation, and the secrets of aging in bourbon barrels and, you guessed it, they served more beer.
Members of Sam's homebrew club at the National Homebrew Competition
After three days of drinking really good beer, listening to famous beer people and talking with hundreds of other people about homebrewing, we have some really good ideas for our beer themed wedding.
Some of these Adventures with Sam have been â€śstudyingâ€ť for our wedding.Â This past week, our families met at the Pennsylvania Shakespeare Festival to see Fiddler on the Roof.Â Throughout the show, I heard them whispering to each other, â€śWill Anne and Sam have this at their wedding?â€ť My mom held her breath while the bride and groom were hoisted on chairs, and my little brother was amazed at the dancers balancing bottles on their hats.
The Bottle Dance. Photo by Lee A. Butz. Pennsylvania Shakespeare Festival. Fiddler on the Roof.
A few weeks before seeing Fiddler on the Roof, we went to a wedding near Lambertville, New Jersey. Throughout the wedding, we took notes on what we would do similarly or differently. The ceremony and reception took place outside on a lovely farm with a small group of friends. It was a perfect setting for dancing under the tent or enjoying the bonfire with a cocktail. We loved how all of the aspects of their wedding reflected who they are as a couple and we hope that our wedding does the same, which is why we will have a beer themed wedding.
Whether it is beer related or â€śstudyingâ€ť for our wedding, the Adventures with Sam are always fun times with many stories to tell. Maybe I should start writing a book and title it:
This week, I was asked by a co-worker about my Bar Mitzvah. She is part of a team that is putting together a presentation of the life cycle events that a Jewish individual will go through in their life from birth to death. The reason for this presentation is to give a brief outline for all the staff who are not Jewish who have had so many questions about the customs and traditions. (I work at the Jewish Federation.)
I grew up in a non-religious household. Sure we celebrated Passover and Hanukkah, but along with Christmas and Easter. My formal Jewish education was the two years I spent before kindergarten in a Temple preschool.
Much like my upcoming wedding, my Bar Mitzvah was anything but traditional. Although I came to accept my Judaism fully when I was 13, my Bar Mitzvah was not until I was 20 years old. I was in Israel on my Birthright trip, which is a free trip for young Jews to connect with Israel. The Bar Mitzvah was scheduled to be on top of Masada, but we could not find a Rabbi willing to carry the Torah up the mountain. Therefore, I was rescheduled to do it in the King David Hotel in Jerusalem, in the middle of an actual 13 year oldâ€™s Orthodox Bar Mitzvah. I would just come up, repeat something someone said to me, with my hand on the Torah, and officially become a Jewish Man. At the time, it meant a lot because my Grandfather also had his Bar Mitzvah in Israel later in life. However, looking back, I realized I did not have to study anything and I was just asked to show up.
Even with my current spiritual practices, it has been a non-traditional education. I spoke with Rabbis and other spiritual mentors. I have hung around people who practiced all religions. I read books sometimes of my own choosing and sometimes books that were recommended. The most formal part of my spiritual practices are taking time in the morning for prayer and meditation and my Friday nights I spend in Temple.
When it comes to this wedding, I have had to sit in classes with my Rabbi. She even gave Lisa and me a test. It measured our personalities and compatibility. I have had to read books that were recommended to me, whether it be Beyond the Breaking of the GlassÂ or The New Jewish Wedding. I am trying to keep up to date with Jewish Wedding blogs, whether it be my co-contributors atÂ InterfaithFamily or outside sources. I find myself throughout the week going through each part of the ceremony, researching its meaning, praying about it, spiritually evaluating its relevance to me. Much of the time, that is what this blog is about and how my process works. Diving deep into music and traditions.
What does this all mean? This is my most formal Jewish Education I have ever received, and I am going through it with my partner who is not Jewish. I think about this and have to laugh. A touch of irony, but this feels like I am moving from high school to college for my spiritual education. Ever since I started down this path of practice of Judaism, I have always wanted and wished for a formal education to happen, I just had no idea it would begin when I was not expecting it. Usually when you are educating yourself, you know because you enroll in class, but it looks like even my enrollment process into formal Jewish education was once again anything but traditional.
The countdown is on! As of today we have officially two weeks until we tie the knot in front of our friends and family. To say we are excited and counting down the days would be an understatement.
Preparations are moving along smoothly. RSVPs are in (201!) and even our “I work best under pressure” friends have booked hotel rooms. Tomorrow morning we are having a final tasting of the cupcakes and sampling the appetizers for the rehearsal dinner. Songs have been selected, the ceremony is (mostly) organized, and we got our Pinterest on making some pretty cool homespun table numbers out of stained wood, nails and twine.
FIrst Graders do give the best advice
Friday night we attended a party with some of Chris’s co-workers, and they revealed something they’ve been working on: a book of marriage advice from Chris’s first grade students. They were absolutely precious, and here are some of the highlights:
Roberta, age 7: “How to be a good husband: You can kiss her! Spend time with her! Take her dancing! Take care of the kids! Love her and the kids”
Asia, age 6, has some fashion tips: “I’ll give you advice: You need handsome clothing, like a black tuxedo, and you need shiny black shoes”
Kofi, age 7: “Show love to her by giving her flowers and chocolate ice cream and chocolate hearts and take her on special vacations, like to California.â€ť
Takyus, age 7: “Take her on a date and make her dinner before she gets home. And do your laundryâ€¦and hers too.”
Devon, age 6: “Be kind to the wife. Do what the wife says. Have fun with the wife”
Do your laundry...and hers, too!
It goes on like this for pages and pages, advice from 100 first graders many of whom recommend buying things like dresses, roses, and rings–who can argue with that wisdom? There was funny advice, silly advice, and a lot of poignant advice about being kind, patient and honest with one another.
We believe that our plan for the ceremony so far reflects our willingness to be patient and honest with one another, and our commitment to include elements of both religious faiths in our lives as we move forward. Here’s the rundown so far:
The reception will be in Dana’s backyard and the ceremony will be in the front. A good friend of ours has agreed to serve as our Justice of the Peace, and we will stand with him, Chris’s brother and Dana’s sister on a small platform in the front yard. Most guests will stand during the short ceremony.
As we’ve mentioned, we will be married beneath a Chuppah, although we are not sure if we are going to need Chuppah bearers or not. The Chuppah was quilted by Dana’s mom, Kathy, out of significant articles of clothing donated from many family members. Those of you familiar with Patricia Polacco’s story The Keeping QuiltÂ will know how meaningful this quilt will be to us throughout our lives.
We will sign a Ketubah, which Chris is busy designing. It will have an image of a tree with silhouettes of birds on it, reflecting a favorite quote of Chris’ momâ€™s: “There are only two lasting bequeaths we can hope to give our children: one of these is roots, the other wings.”
Chris’s uncle, a Jesuit priest, will read from St. Paul’s 1st Letter to the Corinthians (“Love is patient, love is kind…”) and his sister will read the beautiful poem “Love” attributed to Roy Croft.
We have seven groups of friends and family members who will read our version of the Seven Blessings.
And…Chris is stomping on a glass, of course. I think he may be more excited for that than any other part of the wedding.
Following the ceremony and a brief Yichud (mostly to allow us time to breathe and enjoy the fabulous food) we will have cocktails in the backyard and then a reception until around midnight!
Dana’s grandfather will perform a Motzi and give a brief speech andÂ many other favorite wedding traditions will follow: the Horah, the mother/son and father/daughter dances, a non-messy cake cutting, and speeches by the best man and maid of honor. We’re skipping things like the bouquet and garter toss, as they’re not really our style.
Then it will be over! We can’t believe it is all happening so fast. It is an event that has been a long time in the making and we anticipate it like we’ve never looked forward to anything in our lives. We can only hope that everyone has as much fun as we know we will.
We’ll try to post again in the next few weeks as everything comes together! Thank you for reading and going through this wonderful process with us.
â€śYou canâ€™t walk away when it gets a little heavy now. â€ś With all the stress that has fallen onto Lisa and myself over the past couple weeks, Cody ChesnuTT could not be any more right when singing the tune, entitled, â€śLove is a More Than a Wedding Day.â€ť Through the bad times and the good times music plays a big role in how we remember an event. We sing songs to mark events, like Happy Birthday, and to celebrate holidays like Christmas and Hanukkah. When thinking about the topic of music and weddings, I took to the Internet and just realized how much music happens at any wedding and how it reflects the whole day.
Looking at the songs during the ceremony, I found out there are songs played before and after the ceremony. There are songs throughout the ceremony. Songs for the bridge and groom and songs for the guests. Then the one I actually did think about was what song would Lisa like to come down the aisle to? I have got my homework cut out for me.
I think the most fun song(s) come at the reception. There will be lots of dancing as I am known to dance and dance well and enjoy it. Since this day is about Lisa and me, I can guarantee there will be some music everyone can dance along to. And according to one article I read, it is considering a mitzvah (a good deed) that friends come and dance with the bride and groom. (Any friends reading this, this means you.) However, those songs do not carry much weight and probably will be forgotten in time.
What about the music that says who we truly are? We are already having a nice mix of inter-faith practices during the ceremony, but what about during the reception? Lisa admits the chair dance also officially known as the Hora terrifies her, but we have not officially ruled it out. Mainly because I Iove Harry Belafonteâ€™s â€śHava Nageelaâ€ť and it is a tune that I loved to listen to with my grandmother and one of the records we would bond over towards the end of her life. We may actually look for a way to update the Hora, starting a new tradition to honor my grandmother and still make Lisa feel comfortable. More details to comeâ€¦
Lisa and I are 99% sure we have our song because it was on the first mix tape (CD) that I ever gave to her. It is simple and actually does wrap us up in the nutshell. Instead of gushing about it, you can just listen to it here.
I began to think about the parent/child dances. Lisa and I are not sure whether we should select the songs or have our parents select the songs. I actually am enjoying the inner dialogue I’m having about selecting the song for the mother and son dance. It is a time to reflect on our definitions of family and what is most important. The Torah (Old Testament) talks about honoring your parents and it is one of the tenets we hear the most. It is applicable to both our faiths as a couple and generally some good advice. This is just one instance in which we get to honor the commandment during the day and in our lives with some extra weight tacked on.
Clearly, music has a big effect on the day. Sometimes it is a spiritual decision. Sometimes it is about who we are every day. Sometimes it is about having fun. This topic will continue to unfold and hopefully closer to the wedding, I will have an update and perhaps a full playlist to go with it all.
While trying to find my inspiration for this weekâ€™s post, I just realized how important and how surrounded we are by glass and all the symbols it represents when it comes to weddings. Our chapel is filled with wonderful stained glass. I am reading a book called, Beyond Breaking the Glass: A Spiritual Guide to Your Jewish Wedding. Glass is a big deal. Sometimes it is obvious. Sometimes it is hidden.
With most Jewish-inspired ceremonies, the tradition is for the groom to break glass under his foot at the end of the marriage ceremony. One reason according to The Jewish Book of Why, â€śthe noise is a warning to man that he must temper lifeâ€™s joyous moments (such as the occasion of a wedding) with sober thoughts: that life is not all joy; that the happiness of the wedding day will not continue indefinitely; that the young couple ought to prepare itself for all lifeâ€™s eventualities. â€ś
This week has been a tough one for Lisa and me. We have not gotten a single thing done. No wedding planning. No cleaning for my parents visit. We have just been so stressed due to my unexpected leaving of playing and coaching roller derby. (Which is where we met.) It has even been a struggle to get out this post. Reading the above passage just reminded me that being married starts before the day you say, â€śI do.â€ť It continues long after that day as well. It is going to be a journey or ups and downs. Although we are both struggling with the new reality, a couple things we are immediately grateful for is that we will be able to spend more time together and I will have some extra time to plan the wedding.
We are all familiar with the â€śtoastâ€ť done with glasses known as flutes at the wedding. At one point in my life it the classic scene from Fiddler on the Roof. However, by the time Lisa and I are married, it will nearly mark five years since I quit drinking and decided to walk a more spiritual path. I remember that one of the first bits of advice I received was that I was going to have to throw out lifelong conceptions in order to grow. They told me that, â€śIt is not about the champagne in the glass, but it is about the person you are marrying.â€ť What seemed like an impossible concept to grasp at the time is now becoming true. The toast for that very reason holds a special place in my heart, as a spiritual sign of growth, and that transcends all religions being celebrated that day.
This week has just been filled with reflection, and although itâ€™s a metaphor, clearly this entire blog is a giant mirror for my journey as we march towards our wedding day and spending the rest of our lives together. This week we re-discovered how much we need to be there and support one another at a momentâ€™s notice. How that takes precedent over all other matters. I also took some time and got more involved in my community work, to get away from reflection at first, but ended up reflecting more, but in a positive way.
I know this post is a bit disjointed, but not everything is going to fit into a box. Not everything is going to go as planned now, the wedding day, and beyond. The important thing is to reflect and appreciate how the light shines through all this glass.
Sorry for the long period of radio silence, but wedding preparations have been intensifying. Less than a month now!! We are beyond excited as everything is starting to become real. But more on that later…
Eating Falafal in Tel Aviv
This post is all about a very special trip Dana and I took in April. Dana’s sister, Julie, lives in Tel Aviv and works as a JDC fellow for CIMI, the Center for International Migration and Integration. She has been in Israel for about four years, and while Dana has been to visit her and seen Israel several times, I had never been before. We finally decided to take her up on the offer to visit, and the result was the best trip we have ever been on together. From the mountains of her extended family’s home on a Moshav in the north to the desert splendor of the Dead Sea in the south, from the bustle and beaches of Tel Aviv to the ancient labyrinth of the Old City of Jerusalem, I was in constant awe of the country.
We drove to New York City on a rainy Thursday night for a midnight flight direct to Tel Aviv, and despite Dana’s warnings about the complications of boarding a flight to Israel we found ourselves airborne without much trouble. Upon arrival we took a cab to Julie’s apartment, a flat she shares with two roommates and a hot water heater named “The Dude,” which overlooks a courtyard filled with cats and is steps from the Nahalat Binyamin and a short walk to the beach.
Friday night we were lucky enough to attend a Shabbos dinner at Julie’s friends’ beautiful rooftop apartment. I realized that Shabbos dinner epitomizes everything that I like best about religion: a time to slow down, reflect, and more importantly to spend time with friends and family. We decided that, like Dana’s family growing up, we are definitely going to make Shabbos dinner a part of our weekly family routine when we finally do have children. Some of Julie’s friends also exposed us to a unique way of observing Shabbat; they would leave their phones off or at home for the whole day. A seemingly small sacrifice, in today’s world cutting yourself off from your devices is unthinkable to some, and seems to be a very good way of devoting some of your Saturday to a more contemplative life.
Spending time with family
After spending Saturday at the beach watching kite surfers and then going to a few bars with Julie’s friends that night, we rented a car early Sunday morning and drove up to Karmiel (near Haifa) to visit Dana and Julie’s Aunt Harriet and her extended family, who live on a Moshav called Yodefat. We spent a very relaxing couple of days with Harriet, her five children and their spouses and kids. What struck me most about this visit was the closeness of the extended family. The cousins, though young, knew each other very well, and everyone took collective responsibility over the cooking, cleaning and looking after the children. And they had so much fun! There were so many smiles, lots of jokes in Hebrew that I couldn’t understand, and a lot of laughter and love.
The trip was filled with highlights and moments like these, but I realize that I am characteristically rambling and will give the rest of my high points as bullets:
Â Monday night we went to a Mimuna party (the Moroccan celebration for the end of Passover) in a warehouse in West Tel Aviv. It was by far the hippest thing Dana and I have ever done.
Our Tuesday trip to the Dead Sea was absolutely breathtaking. I was so blown away by the desolation of the scenery and the awesome, bizarre production that was swimming in that painfully salty body of water, coating ourselves in mud and trying to remember not to swallow any water.
The Old City in Jerusalem: I could devote pages and pages to the thoughts and emotions that filled me as we toured the seat of three of the world’s major religions. We walked the Via Dolorosa (I got what I consider to be justifiably angry at a shopkeeper who tried to block me from taking a picture of the 8th Station of The Cross, saying I had to buy a guide book from him in order to take photographs. Does he own that particular historical landmark?!), saw the frenzied Church of the Holy Sepulcher, took a very scenic hike around the ramparts, visited the Western Wall, and allowed ourselves to get lost and wander through the city’s ancient stairs and passageways. It was an experience like no other, and we boarded the bus home with weary legs and full hearts.
In front of the Kotel (Western Wall)
Getting hummus in Jaffa: I can now agree with Julie in saying that I hadn’t tasted hummus before this trip. It was an entirely different experience eating it warm from a bowl with slices of raw onion and fresh-baked pita on a gorgeous sunny Friday morning. Wandering around Jaffa afterwards was an unexpected bonus, as was making friends with the young boys who were jumping off of the docks into the water.
Spending time with Julie was a blessing for both Dana and I. Dana has always been close with her family and her sister in particular, and I know that it has been hard for them to be apart for all these years. I was constantly smiling at the two of them as they interacted in the beautifully silly and mildly antagonistic way that only sisters can.
Three silly kids floating in the Dead Sea
It truly was a once-in-a-lifetime trip for us, an invigorating and re-energizing experience as well as a bit of a pilgrimage for both of us. It was wonderful to realize the traditions that we want to pass on to our children, to see that both of our faiths have their roots in the same two square-mile radius, and to spend quality time with Dana’s sister and with one another.
More to come on wedding preparations next week! The countdown is truly on, and everything is going well.
These last few months have been busy with dress fittings, selecting the menu, arranging the seating chart, creating the invitations, ordering the suits, and other wedding plans. Sam and I continually remind ourselves that the wedding is only one day and we should focus on preparing for a marriage.Â This lifelong commitment to each other begins at the wedding ceremony. With that in mind, we are trying to combine the rituals and symbols of both Judaism and Catholicism in our ceremony.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Sam’s parents (Pennye & Phil) Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â on their wedding day
We specifically chose our priest and rabbi to not only co-officiate the ceremony, but also to guide us along this spiritual journey. The rabbi is someone very dear to Sam and the priest is the presider of my familyâ€™s parish. These two special people have been a part of various life cycle events in Samâ€™s and my life. They know us and our families very well, and we are honored that they will be officiating our marriage ceremony. The rabbi and priest continue to help us in the marriage preparations by proofing our ketubah language, assisting with Diocesan paperwork, and helping us with the order and symbols of the ceremony. In our first meeting with the priest, he gave us words of wisdom to keep in mind, throughout this entire process (and our lives): â€śKeep your own faith at heart, but do not minimize or trivialize the faith of the other.â€ť
If I were converting to Judaism, or Sam to Catholicism, we would have chosen a specific house of worship for our ceremony, such as a synagogue or church. Because we are not, we decided to have our ceremony in a country club, a â€śneutralâ€ť location. This way, both faiths are equally visible and our guests wonâ€™t be uncomfortable in attending a wedding in another house of worship. By having our wedding on a Sunday afternoon, Sam and his family can still go to Shabbat services, and my family can go to early Sunday morning Mass.
Throughout the ceremony, we want to honor each otherâ€™s faiths, focusing on the similarities, rather than the differences. We have asked my brother, Chris, and Samâ€™s sister, Stacey, to help us explain the wedding rituals and symbols in each of our faiths at the start of the ceremony.
There are a few symbols that are used in both religions, such as bread, wine, rings, and most importantly, the vows. Sam and I will say the blessings over the bread and wine in our own respective religions.Â The priest and rabbi will guide us in exchanging our vows and rings.
We have adapted some rituals and symbols to be more conducive to an interfaith wedding.Â The chuppah is a symbol unfamiliar to my Catholic family, whereas the unity candle is a symbol unfamiliar to Samâ€™s Jewish family. We will sign our ketubah during the ceremony rather than before it, honoring the Catholic tradition of the bride and groom not seeing each other beforehand. The traditional Jewish Seven Blessings will be said, with both fathers participating.Â At the end of the ceremony, we will break the glass. This has many meanings in the Jewish faith, but for the two of us, it will also symbolize the breaking down of barriers between people of different cultures and faiths as our families are now joined together.
By incorporating some Jewish and Catholic wedding rituals in our ceremony, we will signal to our friends and family our intent to continue practicing our religions.Â We hope that this public declaration of faith will communicate our plans to remain strong in faith while supporting our partnerâ€™s religious practice.
This week Lisa has been busy trying on wedding dresses she has ordered online. She has had a lot of success! While I was drafting this blog, she actually settled on one. Lisa selected a dazzling dress from Vera Wang that she ordered from Davidâ€™s Bridal.
The other choice was a simple and elegant design from J. Crew we found off eBay. Although Lisa did not pick this dress, I cannot stress what a pleasant experience it was to work with eBay user â€śpaisleypetunia.â€ť Buying a dress off eBay was scary for Lisa and me; even though the dress was less expensive than a store, it was still a lot of money to try something on. However, Paisley made the experience like walking into a mom and pop store built on customer service. I highly recommend going this route based on our experience and interactions. (And if you are on a tight budget like us.) You can find her store here.
My suit shopping seemed much simpler. When visiting in Philadelphia, I got to spend some time with my Dad and look for a suit. I admit I am a bit of a nerd, but it is still important to look great, especially on the big day. Lisa and I are both big fans of the television series Doctor Who, so I decided to look for a navy (one of our wedding colors) pin-striped suit similar to David Tennantâ€™s. My Dad and I noticed a suit as we walked in to Macyâ€™s and picked it up and took it to the counter, to ask them to find something similar. The salesman took my measurements and then asked if I had tried on that suit. The thought had not crossed my mindâ€¦ it was not a perfect fit, but I kept going back to it. With little debate, the suit was purchased and now I just need to lose a couple pounds and find a good tailor.
At this point, you may be wondering what this post is doing on an interfaith wedding blog. There is a lot of focus on the dress and suit, but when it comes to an interfaith wedding, whatâ€™s relevant is the traditional religious/spiritual/cultural attire.
For the bride, whether it be a Christian or Jewish wedding, it is customary to wear a veil at the ceremony. Lisa is unsure about wearing a veil, and we are both open to the idea of altering the ceremony if she chooses not to wear one. The important thing here is that even though this is a service rooted in the Jewish customs, it is not my place as a partner to tell her what to and what not to wear. We are there to encourage personal spiritual decisions, not force our own views onto the other person. As I write this, it serves as a reminder that this lesson goes much deeper than even that of faith-based decisions. It should translate into our wedding day and every day that we spend together, for the rest of our lives.
For myself, being Jewish, thereâ€™s the decision of whether to wear a tallit and kippah. I have to ask myself are these important to me?
The tallit is important for the High Holy Days, but for the wedding, seem less important. There also needs to be a balance during the ceremony of both faiths and wearing all the traditional garb seems too much leaning one way. Ultimately, I have decided not to wear it. Asking what is important to my faith is a daily exercise and extends beyond just what to wear at the wedding.
The kippah is important to me, and I have worn one for years whether attending a Friday night service, a bar/bat mitzvah or being in the company of Orthodox Jews for work.
I also think wearing a head covering holds a special place in my heart. My grandparents, who were most responsible for my push into Judaism as a child and teenager, have both passed on. My grandparents not being there physically is still a struggle for me, and Lisa has been extremely supportive as I still come to terms with it, and speak with my spiritual mentors to come to peace with it before the ceremony. When my grandparents were married back in 1952 they had a Jewish ceremony with a twist. Instead of asking everyone to wear a kippah, they just asked that all men come wearing a hat. Some men came in bowler hats. Some men came in New York Yankees baseball caps. Top Hats. And kippot. It was something I had wanted growing up as a child, hearing about their wedding. However, I have grown since then and really do not feel that it is my place to tell people they must have their heads covered.
And since this is an interfaith wedding, in a chapel, some people may find it inappropriate to cover their heads in a chapel. I had an experience with a mentor who took me to his Catholic Sunday Mass and I was asked to remove my hat (it was a hat, not a kippah). It made me uncomfortable the entire time to be in a religious setting and not be covered. I do not wish that same feeling on anyone and therefore, headwear for all is optional, expect for me. In honor of my grandparents and in honor of my faith, I choose to wear a kippah.
We hear so often that it is the man who makes the clothes, not the clothes who make the man. However, when I wear a kippah that represents my grandparents and my devotion to G-D, it is really Them who shaped me. With each clothing decision we make for this day, it is our clothes that set us apart from our guests and who make us a truly unique interfaith couple.
With so much planning even a wedding of our size, it is easy to get lost in the details.
There are the fun details like our cake tasting or suit shopping with my dad. There are some details which are just checks on the to-do list, like renting a dance floor and linens. Then, there are the other details. The other details like making the guest list which take away focus from the larger picture. Details so stressful, they make you forget what the big day is all about. Those details seem unavoidable in this day and age, but this is about returning to what is important.
When putting together the guest list, we just both began to stress about how other people who would feel. Whether it be about the catering we chose or something more, it weighed heavily on the both of us. I was so stressed about the details that when I showed up to my new spiritual menâ€™s group, I really needed to be told that this day was about us. Being able to be open and honest in a group of men, searching for spiritual solutions to everyday life, they told me to let go of the details. They told me that this day is about being surrounded by the people you love and the loved ones who want to celebrate that love. I felt this deep knot of stress begin to unwind. I had known the truth, but I finally began to accept it. It took hearing that from others, in a spiritual safe space, and being honest. A weight had been lifted and I began to feel excited once more for our big day.
Returning to what is important, Lisa and I hold the belief that our wedding day is a very spiritual day. If we did not view it as such, we would have chosen to elope instead of hosting a wedding. Our relationship really forming and maintaining, has a lot to do with my own connection with G-D. We hold the belief that we are fully committing ourselves to one another in the eyes of G-D. November 8th is the biggest magnification of that held belief. Perhaps it is because of the sacred rituals like signing of the Ketubah. Perhaps it is the chapel with the awe-inspiring Christian glass work and icons. These details that make our day unique to all other days in our lives. These details make this a Holy Day. There are the details I need to be reminded of day in and day out.
Up until this past week, it was the little details. The necessary but less significant details had (and sometimes still continue) to bog us down. However, we need to be reminded what this day is truly about. Those details. It is about our love. Those who support that love. And G-D. AND FUN. They are reinforced by spiritual mentors and in morning meditation. And most importantly, it is our job as a couple to remember those and try not to get lost in all the other details.