Music of the Heart, Music for the Wedding

“You can’t walk away when it gets a little heavy now. “ With all the stress that has fallen onto Lisa and myself over the past couple weeks, Cody ChesnuTT could not be any more right when singing the tune, entitled, “Love is a More Than a Wedding Day.” Through the bad times and the good times music plays a big role in how we remember an event. We sing songs to mark events, like Happy Birthday, and to celebrate holidays like Christmas and Hanukkah. When thinking about the topic of music and weddings, I took to the Internet and just realized how much music happens at any wedding and how it reflects the whole day.

Looking at the songs during the ceremony, I found out there are songs played before and after the ceremony. There are songs throughout the ceremony. Songs for the bridge and groom and songs for the guests. Then the one I actually did think about was what song would Lisa like to come down the aisle to? I have got my homework cut out for me.

I think the most fun song(s) come at the reception. There will be lots of dancing as I am known to dance and dance well and enjoy it. Since this day is about Lisa and me, I can guarantee there will be some music everyone can dance along to. And according to one article I read, it is considering a mitzvah (a good deed) that friends come and dance with the bride and groom. (Any friends reading this, this means you.) However, those songs do not carry much weight and probably will be forgotten in time.

What about the music that says who we truly are? We are already having a nice mix of inter-faith practices during the ceremony, but what about during the reception? Lisa admits the chair dance also officially known as the Hora terrifies her, but we have not officially ruled it out. Mainly because I Iove Harry Belafonte’s “Hava Nageela” and it is a tune that I loved to listen to with my grandmother and one of the records we would bond over towards the end of her life. We may actually look for a way to update the Hora, starting a new tradition to honor my grandmother and still make Lisa feel comfortable. More details to come…

Lisa and I are 99% sure we have our song because it was on the first mix tape (CD) that I ever gave to her. It is simple and actually does wrap us up in the nutshell. Instead of gushing about it, you can just listen to it here.

I began to think about the parent/child dances. Lisa and I are not sure whether we should select the songs or have our parents select the songs. I actually am enjoying the inner dialogue I’m having about selecting the song for the mother and son dance. It is a time to reflect on our definitions of family and what is most important. The Torah (Old Testament) talks about honoring your parents and it is one of the tenets we hear the most. It is applicable to both our faiths as a couple and generally some good advice. This is just one instance in which we get to honor the commandment during the day and in our lives with some extra weight tacked on.

Clearly, music has a big effect on the day. Sometimes it is a spiritual decision. Sometimes it is about who we are every day. Sometimes it is about having fun. This topic will continue to unfold and hopefully closer to the wedding, I will have an update and perhaps a full playlist to go with it all.

Looking Through and Stepping on Glass: An Odd Look at Glass

While trying to find my inspiration for this week’s post, I just realized how important and how surrounded we are by glass and all the symbols it represents when it comes to weddings. Our chapel is filled with wonderful stained glass. I am reading a book called, Beyond Breaking the Glass: A Spiritual Guide to Your Jewish Wedding. Glass is a big deal. Sometimes it is obvious. Sometimes it is hidden.

With most Jewish-inspired ceremonies, the tradition is for the groom to break glass under his foot at the end of the marriage ceremony. One reason according to The Jewish Book of Why, “the noise is a warning to man that he must temper life’s joyous moments (such as the occasion of a wedding) with sober thoughts: that life is not all joy; that the happiness of the wedding day will not continue indefinitely; that the young couple ought to prepare itself for all life’s eventualities. “

This week has been a tough one for Lisa and me. We have not gotten a single thing done. No wedding planning. No cleaning for my parents visit. We have just been so stressed due to my unexpected leaving of playing and coaching roller derby. (Which is where we met.) It has even been a struggle to get out this post. Reading the above passage just reminded me that being married starts before the day you say, “I do.” It continues long after that day as well. It is going to be a journey or ups and downs. Although we are both struggling with the new reality, a couple things we are immediately grateful for is that we will be able to spend more time together and I will have some extra time to plan the wedding.

We are all familiar with the “toast” done with glasses known as flutes at the wedding. At one point in my life it the classic scene from Fiddler on the Roof. However, by the time Lisa and I are married, it will nearly mark five years since I quit drinking and decided to walk a more spiritual path. I remember that one of the first bits of advice I received was that I was going to have to throw out lifelong conceptions in order to grow. They told me that, “It is not about the champagne in the glass, but it is about the person you are marrying.” What seemed like an impossible concept to grasp at the time is now becoming true. The toast for that very reason holds a special place in my heart, as a spiritual sign of growth, and that transcends all religions being celebrated that day.

This week has just been filled with reflection, and although it’s a metaphor, clearly this entire blog is a giant mirror for my journey as we march towards our wedding day and spending the rest of our lives together. This week we re-discovered how much we need to be there and support one another at a moment’s notice. How that takes precedent over all other matters. I also took some time and got more involved in my community work, to get away from reflection at first, but ended up reflecting more, but in a positive way.

I know this post is a bit disjointed, but not everything is going to fit into a box. Not everything is going to go as planned now, the wedding day, and beyond. The important thing is to reflect and appreciate how the light shines through all this glass.

What to Wear? What to Wear?

What to wear? What to wear?

This week Lisa has been busy trying on wedding dresses she has ordered online. She has had a lot of success! While I was drafting this blog, she actually settled on one. Lisa selected a dazzling dress from Vera Wang that she ordered from David’s Bridal.

The other choice was a simple and elegant design from J. Crew we found off eBay. Although Lisa did not pick this dress, I cannot stress what a pleasant experience it was to work with eBay user “paisleypetunia.” Buying a dress off eBay was scary for Lisa and me; even though the dress was less expensive than a store, it was still a lot of money to try something on. However, Paisley made the experience like walking into a mom and pop store built on customer service. I highly recommend going this route based on our experience and interactions. (And if you are on a tight budget like us.) You can find her store here.

My suit shopping seemed much simpler. When visiting in Philadelphia, I got to spend some time with my Dad and look for a suit. I admit I am a bit of a nerd, but it is still important to look great, especially on the big day. Lisa and I are both big fans of the television series Doctor Who, so I decided to look for a navy (one of our wedding colors) pin-striped suit similar to David Tennant’s. My Dad and I noticed a suit as we walked in to Macy’s and picked it up and took it to the counter, to ask them to find something similar. The salesman took my measurements and then asked if I had tried on that suit. The thought had not crossed my mind… it was not a perfect fit, but I kept going back to it. With little debate, the suit was purchased and now I just need to lose a couple pounds and find a good tailor.

At this point, you may be wondering what this post is doing on an interfaith wedding blog. There is a lot of focus on the dress and suit, but when it comes to an interfaith wedding, what’s relevant is the traditional religious/spiritual/cultural attire.

For the bride, whether it be a Christian or Jewish wedding, it is customary to wear a veil at the ceremony. Lisa is unsure about wearing a veil, and we are both open to the idea of altering the ceremony if she chooses not to wear one. The important thing here is that even though this is a service rooted in the Jewish customs, it is not my place as a partner to tell her what to and what not to wear. We are there to encourage personal spiritual decisions, not force our own views onto the other person. As I write this, it serves as a reminder that this lesson goes much deeper than even that of faith-based decisions. It should translate into our wedding day and every day that we spend together, for the rest of our lives.
For myself, being Jewish, there’s the decision of whether to wear a tallit and kippah. I have to ask myself are these important to me?

The tallit is important for the High Holy Days, but for the wedding, seem less important. There also needs to be a balance during the ceremony of both faiths and wearing all the traditional garb seems too much leaning one way. Ultimately, I have decided not to wear it. Asking what is important to my faith is a daily exercise and extends beyond just what to wear at the wedding.

The kippah is important to me, and I have worn one for years whether attending a Friday night service, a bar/bat mitzvah or being in the company of Orthodox Jews for work.

wedding ritualsI also think wearing a head covering holds a special place in my heart. My grandparents, who were most responsible for my push into Judaism as a child and teenager, have both passed on. My grandparents not being there physically is still a struggle for me, and Lisa has been extremely supportive as I still come to terms with it, and speak with my spiritual mentors to come to peace with it before the ceremony. When my grandparents were married back in 1952 they had a Jewish ceremony with a twist. Instead of asking everyone to wear a kippah, they just asked that all men come wearing a hat. Some men came in bowler hats. Some men came in New York Yankees baseball caps. Top Hats. And kippot. It was something I had wanted growing up as a child, hearing about their wedding. However, I have grown since then and really do not feel that it is my place to tell people they must have their heads covered.

And since this is an interfaith wedding, in a chapel, some people may find it inappropriate to cover their heads in a chapel. I had an experience with a mentor who took me to his Catholic Sunday Mass and I was asked to remove my hat (it was a hat, not a kippah). It made me uncomfortable the entire time to be in a religious setting and not be covered. I do not wish that same feeling on anyone and therefore, headwear for all is optional, expect for me. In honor of my grandparents and in honor of my faith, I choose to wear a kippah.

We hear so often that it is the man who makes the clothes, not the clothes who make the man. However, when I wear a kippah that represents my grandparents and my devotion to G-D, it is really Them who shaped me. With each clothing decision we make for this day, it is our clothes that set us apart from our guests and who make us a truly unique interfaith couple.

Getting Lost and Remembing Important Details of Wedding Planning

With so much planning even a wedding of our size, it is easy to get lost in the details.

There are the fun details like our cake tasting or suit shopping with my dad. There are some details which are just checks on the to-do list, like renting a dance floor and linens. Then, there are the other details. The other details like making the guest list which take away focus from the larger picture. Details so stressful, they make you forget what the big day is all about. Those details seem unavoidable in this day and age, but this is about returning to what is important.

When putting together the guest list, we just both began to stress about how other people who would feel. Whether it be about the catering we chose or something more, it weighed heavily on the both of us. I was so stressed about the details that when I showed up to my new spiritual men’s group, I really needed to be told that this day was about us. Being able to be open and honest in a group of men, searching for spiritual solutions to everyday life, they told me to let go of the details. They told me that this day is about being surrounded by the people you love and the loved ones who want to celebrate that love. I felt this deep knot of stress begin to unwind. I had known the truth, but I finally began to accept it. It took hearing that from others, in a spiritual safe space, and being honest. A weight had been lifted and I began to feel excited once more for our big day.

Returning to what is important, Lisa and I hold the belief that our wedding day is a very spiritual day. If we did not view it as such, we would have chosen to elope instead of hosting a wedding. Our relationship really forming and maintaining, has a lot to do with my own connection with G-D. We hold the belief that we are fully committing ourselves to one another in the eyes of G-D. November 8th is the biggest magnification of that held belief. Perhaps it is because of the sacred rituals like signing of the Ketubah. Perhaps it is the chapel with the awe-inspiring Christian glass work and icons. These details that make our day unique to all other days in our lives. These details make this a Holy Day. There are the details I need to be reminded of day in and day out.

Up until this past week, it was the little details. The necessary but less significant details had (and sometimes still continue) to bog us down. However, we need to be reminded what this day is truly about. Those details. It is about our love. Those who support that love. And G-D. AND FUN. They are reinforced by spiritual mentors and in morning meditation. And most importantly, it is our job as a couple to remember those and try not to get lost in all the other details.

Finding a Rabbi for Two

Lisa and I attending the New Members Dinner at Temple Sholom

A question that all soon-to-be married couples must ask, who is going to officiate our wedding?

The most popular answer among weddings I have attended all seem to be: close friends who are ordained by the state. When dealing with an interfaith couple, the answers get a little more complicated. Do we ask our rabbi? Do we ask a priest?

As I spoke about in my last post, it was very important for Lisa to be married in the chapel. It was important to me to have a rabbi marry us. Without much thought it was a compromise that made this one step closer to a truly interfaith wedding ceremony.

We had decided to ask a rabbi to marry us, but it was not that simple. Still in today’s age it is rather unpopular to marry interfaith couples, or at least that is my perception. It was not an option to use the rabbis who shaped me until this point. The rabbi I had as a child has passed on. My most recent rabbi is 600 miles away. We are on a budget and just could not afford to bring him to Cincinnati. Since moving in February of 2013, I was still in search of a temple where I felt comfortable, and where Lisa would be welcome.

Back on the east coast, I had a small, 150 family congregation. Three out of four weeks, the services were done in a Conservative style I really gravitated toward. It was small and welcoming and socially liberal. It was filled with several interfaith families, LGBT couples, and a lot of other groups that made it a welcome place. It truly was unique. It was much different than the Reform services I attended in my youth.

I came to Cincinnati to find that, but Cincinnati is a small city and I was left with two very different choices. On the one hand, I attended regular services at a Conservative temple, but there was no formal rabbi. The community was great, but the lack of a rabbi did bother me. However, I liked the services which felt a lot like I those back on the east coast. At the Reform congregations, I felt as though I had outgrown the style of services, but there were plenty of rabbis to go around. I found myself uncomfortable with musical accompaniments for a lot of the services. I found myself connecting less during those services. However, I knew Lisa may be more welcome there.

It was tough. I had to talk to my spiritual advisors. I emailed with my old rabbi. I sat in prayer. I spoke with Lisa almost after every Friday night.

We kept coming back to Temple Sholom. It was a smaller community than some other locations, so that fit with both of our sensibilities. Lisa had never been to any sort of Jewish religious service, so it was great to be able to sit down on a Friday night at home and stream in services as an introduction. It meant Lisa wouldn’t be overwhelmed and it alleviated my irrational fear that Lisa would hate attending services.

Temple Sholom also has a wonderful spiritual leader, Rabbi Miriam Terlinchamp. We knew she was one of the few area rabbis who performed interfaith marriages. She had moved from Conservative to Reform and I felt I would be making that same transition. She had also spent time working with inmates and if you remember from my introduction post, I spend my free time every Monday offering guidance at a local correctional facility. It was also easier for Lisa to connect with a female Rabbi.

After one last sign, we made the appointment with Rabbi Terlinchamp. After one session, we filled out the membership paperwork and scheduled our marriage class appointments. I may not have the same rabbi for guidance as the rabbi I have grown used to, but WE have a rabbi that will officiate our marriage and help us both grow spiritually.

Under God, In a Chapel, With a Rabbi

Welcome back. If you remember from our introduction, our wedding date is November 8th of this year! It is 205 days away, but then again, who’s counting? ;)

If you know anything about a wedding, you know it takes careful time and preparation. That is not unique to an inter-faith wedding, but some of the things on the check list are approached with a different perspective.

Let’s start with the reception venue. The reception space is always one of the biggest items on anyone’s wedding check list. We went with a re-done barn, known as The Centennial Barn, which was built in 1898, but renovated in 2010 in order to host events. What is great about this space is that not only is it affordable, but the money spent here actually has a higher purpose. The money goes into the work of the Franciscan Sisters of the Poor. A few examples of the Sisters’ community work are to provide haircuts for the homeless, bring art into poverty stricken parts of the city and help young women to make better lives for themselves by helping them to get off the street. Helping others is a big part of who Lisa and I are as individuals and as a couple. Lisa spends many of her hours volunteering as a Merchandise Director for an amateur sports team here in Cincinnati. I work in the nonprofit sector, but also do community outreach mentoring. No matter what faith we fall into, helping others is a tenet for everyone. We didn’t realize reception site picking would end up being a faith-based decision!

The reception choice was easy, but the wedding ceremony would involve a lot more conversation and lot more faith discussions.

One thing to know about Lisa is that she is a grounded individual. She balances my often imaginative personality. We all have our desires as human beings, but Lisa tends to keep it realistic and much more achievable. If she wants something she tends to have fear about putting it out in the world. On the grounds of the Centennial Barn, there is a beautiful chapel, the St. Clare Chapel. When Lisa saw the Chapel, she wanted to get married there. It was comforting to her faith and she knew it would mean a lot to her every-Sunday-church-going family as well. However, we had decided to have a Rabbi marry us… Would the nuns be OK with this decision? Would our Rabbi be OK with this decision? I had to ask myself if I was OK with this decision.

It didn’t take much meditation though. I knew I was OK with it. I always want to provide for Lisa, even if it is just happiness. I knew from some interfaith classes I had attended that it was important to encourage one another’s faith, and getting married in the chapel was a way in which I could support Lisa. Plus, she had agreed to have a Rabbi marry us, which was more important to me than the venue.

The Chapel is not as easy as writing a check either. We needed approval from the Arch Bishop of Cincinnati. So here I was, a Jew, writing a letter to the Arch Bishop and the Nuns trying to convince them to let us get married in a chapel. The letter was not far off from this entry, but I knew at the end of the day that I simply could not buy the space and had to trust in G-d to show us that this space was for our big day. When I got the approval, the Head Sister (Nun) sat me down and said that they prayed (and she admitted–cried) for us because they were so touched by our story and our trust in G-d. We had our wedding day venues!

East Coast Meets Midwest: Ryan and Lisa’s Wedding Blog Introduction

Lisa and Ryan

Ryan and Lisa at Cincinnati Museum Center

Welcome. Shalom. My name is Ryan Mount and I am a great story teller, but as far as writing goes, this is new ground. Ring-bear with me while I try to introduce myself. (Please excuse the How I Met Your Mother jokes and references; it has been a favorite of Lisa, my fiancé, and became a favorite of mine. I also tend to think I have a great How I Met Your Mother story, but that post is for another time.)

My name is Ryan and as you can see I am a terrible at telling jokes, a self-proclaimed great story teller, and I am getting married in November to my fiancé Lisa. This blog is hopefully going to be an adventure of how a Jewish kid born and raised on the east coast got mixed up with, fell in love with and is now planning an interfaith wedding with an Ohio native and soul mate, Lisa.

Lisa was born and raised in Toledo, Ohio (right outside of Detroit, which I mention because I never heard of Toledo, before I met Lisa). She has been a Cincinnati area native for 12-13 years and lived here her entire adult life. Lisa was raised in a tight knit Polish neighborhood by mainly her father and her extended family. She has an older sister who is seven years older than her who also happens to be getting re-married one month after our upcoming wedding. Overall, her family dynamic is much different than my own and it certainly brings up a lot of conversation during our wedding planning. Lisa went through 12 years of Catholic School and church was a strong part of her young life.

I was born and raised in a small suburb of New Jersey called Westampton, but if you ask me where I am from the answer is always, “Philly.” I come from an interfaith home where Dad was raised Catholic and Mom was raised Jewish, but neither practice. Christmas was always about Santa and Easter was always about the giant bunny. Jewish holidays stood as a staple of tradition, like Pesach/Passover, but no one kept kosher during it. We celebrated Hanukkah, which would end up growing to be one of the most important parts of my spiritual development as a Jew, but I would not come to realize that until much later. I have two sisters, one nine years younger, and one two-and-a-half years older. Somehow in the middle of all this non-practice growing up, I endured some personal hardships and continue to grow spiritually in the Jewish religion. I do not know if I classify myself as devout, but am a Friday night attendee of Temple and pray/meditate every day.

Who are we? (That is actually a sports chant Lisa and I both say every Tues/Thurs/Sun.) You see now we both live in Cincinnati, and initially met through the sport of Roller Derby. We are both skaters and each other’s coaches for our teams. I am a Jewish professional working for the Federation system and she works for a custom box making company in Northern Kentucky.

Our wedding date is November 8, 2014. This blog will explore more about our relationship, our upcoming wedding plans and the challenges it takes to make a true interfaith wedding. We are striving for something more than just a Jewish wedding in a chapel (which right now is actually the plan). It is not just about a merging of two faiths, but also two very different cultures meshing together and hoping for a lot of laughs and only tears of happiness. So again, welcome and shalom.