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Zach and I were married on September 16! We were away having a blast on our honeymoon in Portugal, but before we had time to post our honeymoon pics to Facebook or look through our wedding photos, Yom Kippur was upon us.
I had decided a few days before we got back that I would be joining Zach in the fast for Yom Kippur. For most of the other years weâ€™ve been together, Yom Kippur has fallen on a weekday and Iâ€™ve been working. I would usually meet him for the evening service, but I had never joined him for the whole day fast. I decided that now that we were married, it was important for me to join him in this observance, so that we could begin our faith life as a family, not just two individuals.
You may say, well, Catholics fast, right? And my answer would be, sort of. For example, Catholics are supposed to fast on Good Friday, the day that Jesus died, but this â€śfastingâ€ť means one full meal and two smaller meals, as long as they do not add up to a single normal meal. Needless to say, the undisciplined can go downhill quickly, myself included. My Good Friday fast usually includes a meatless lunch, but I convince myself that I need to eat enough to continue working at my job. Therefore, the prospect of going all day without food on Yom Kippur seemed daunting.
Let me tell you, friends–my first Yom Kippur went surprisingly well. First of all, I was worried that my â€śhangerâ€ť (anger resulting from hungriness) would get the best of me. I saw that, throughout the day, I was able to take strength in my weakness, and knowing that others were experiencing the same weakness filled me with patience and love for the community. Zach and I attended a morning service with Interfaith Families Project of DC, and I was able to see for the first time how this Jewish and Christian community worked (Zach had attended another service of theirs before). I was inspired by the inclusivity and friendliness of the community, as well as the different backgrounds or spiritual paths of the community members. It was a wonderful and welcoming experience.
Second, I learned that napping can be key to a successful Yom Kippur. We came back from the morning service, and about an hour or so after we had been quietly unpacking from the wedding and the honeymoon, the hunger set in, and I felt more and more tired. Instead of pushing past it, which is my normal tendency, I let my body be tired. I stopped working, even though there was still plenty to do, and read through our wedding guestbook, and then took a nap. Friends, I never nap. I need earplugs and a facemask to fall asleep on a normal night, but I was asleep in 10 minutes. Thankfully we set an alarm to alert us to get ready for the evening service.
We went to Sixth & I Synagogue in Chinatown for the neilah evening service. I had attended this service at this location last year with Zach on Yom Kippur, but as I mentioned, this was my first year doing the fast, and I was nervous about not only staying focused but standing up and not getting sick.
The collective strength of that community kept me on my feet and singing for the whole hour plus of the service. What a beautiful, urgent way to plead with God for mercy and forgiveness! It was a prayer for which we had emptied ourselves all day, which actually sharpened my focus rather than dulled it.
All in all, for me it was a Yom Kippur in which I not only successfully fasted, but I gained meaning, prayed intensely, practiced patience, surveyed my faults and mistakes and grew closer to my spouse. Yom Kippur presented a beautiful opportunity after we had returned from our honeymoon to reflect on the past year and prepare for the next year, the first in our married lives. Iâ€™m so thankful for that opportunity–and my next post will fill you in on our actual wedding! Spoiler alert: Multiple friends and family members told us it was one of the most beautiful wedding ceremonies they had attended. So stay tuned.
Weâ€™re Michele and Vanessa, and weâ€™re getting married on April 30, 2017. Michele is Jewish and grew up just outside Philadelphia; Vanessa was raised in the Church of England (more or less equivalent to the Episcopal Church) a little outside London in the U.K. We got engaged in May 2015, and are thrilled to be counting down to the big day and our interfaith celebration.
Amidst our wedding planning (more on that another time), weâ€™re alsoâ€”like everyone elseâ€”planning our holiday celebrations. This is a pretty big year for us, as itâ€™s our first Christmas in the U.S. For the last couple of years, weâ€™ve gone to the U.K. and celebrated with Vanessaâ€™s family; but this year weâ€™re staying in Philly. For a while, I (Vanessa) was pretty sad: This is the first Christmas in 31 years that I wonâ€™t be with my family, watching my sister stare with trepidation through the oven door at the cauliflower cheese and roast potatoes and listening to my mum attempt the descants to Christmas carols on TV. But talking this over with Michele, and planning the holidays with her has brought me a lot of joy, as Iâ€™ve realized that this is actually a really exciting opportunity: We get to figure out how we can create our own traditions, and not just do whatever our families do, as we celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah.
This has led me to seek out cookie cutters in the shapes of dreidels and reindeer, menorahs and Christmas trees, and a variety of stars, both five- and six-pointed. I did a dance of delight in the Dollar Plus when I found Hanukkah garlands next to the Christmas tinsel. We started our own collection of tree ornaments that weâ€™ll keep adding to each year, with a classy otter bauble from the Vancouver Aquarium on the first vacation we took together that didnâ€™t involve either of our families. Our hope is that, in a few yearsâ€™ time, our tree will be covered in ornaments that represent memories from our lives together. These things might sound frivolous, but for us, they symbolize the joining of our lives and our traditions; albeit in sparkly and (hopefully) delicious forms.
More seriously, weâ€™ve had to negotiate with family members what holiday events weâ€™re going to, with Hanukkah brunches and parties surrounding Christmas church services and the first Christmas dinner hosted by us for Micheleâ€™s family (complete with British stuffing and Christmas cake, sent all the way from England by my mum). Weâ€™ve had to think about whatâ€™s really important to us in terms of our own traditions, and about what elements we want to share with each other. I want to go to Christmas services because itâ€™s important for me to hear a choir welcoming Christmas in with â€śAdeste Fidelis,â€ť but Iâ€™m happy to let the cauliflower cheese go as we make the dinner kosher-style. Latkes are fairly high on Micheleâ€™s priority list, but being all together and visiting the various branches of her family is even higher.
Itâ€™s easy to get caught up in the mania of present-buying, tree-decorating, cookie-eating and playlist-curating, and to be honest Iâ€™m definitely enjoying all those parts. But Michele and I are able to use those things to have conversations about what the holidays mean to us, how our families traditionally celebrate them, and what we want them to be like in our married life together. Of course, Iâ€™ll still miss my familyâ€”but this December, Iâ€™ll be surrounded by the love of my new family, Michele and all the Zipkins, and I canâ€™t wait. Itâ€™s a timely reminder that our wedding planning isnâ€™t just about working toward a wedding, but a marriage. I feel incredibly lucky that weâ€™re getting a head start on building our traditions for that marriage this year. Even if Iâ€™m covered in powdered sugar and my reindeer cookies look more like dogs.