Video 12: working on the marriage not just the wedding

Hey there IFF!

It’s been awhile since we last vlogged and there’s good reason for it. Yes, Arel and I are now officially husband and wife as of January 15th (woo hoo), but we had some issues to address before we could post more videos.

We’re ready now and this particular video is our most important yet and is the primary reason we’ve been M.I.A. for awhile, however, we have documented the process, and we will be releasing those videos, so please stay tuned for those.

As we got closer to our wedding date, we ran into some major fears that led us to question whether or not getting married was the right thing to do. Working through and addressing the source of those fears was the hardest thing we both ever did but we’re grateful that we had the strength, the desire, and the willingness to go through the process. I can’t say that pain is absolutely necessary to gain strength but in this case we got through the hard stuff – and persevered in spite of the hard stuff or maybe because of it… I’m not so sure which is which, but the end result is a stronger and much deeper relationship. This isn’t the stuff of fairy tales that we’re all brainwashed to believe in.

I listened to a YouTube video recently on marriage, and the poet said it’s not the love that sustains the promise, but the promise that sustains the love. Our commitment is what carried us through the last two months, not just the love. Arel and I take marriage very seriously, and you would think most couples do, but if so, I don’t think the divorce rate would be so high. We wanted to make sure this was right. Yes, we’ve been together for 9 years, but we wanted to make sure we can also do the rest of our lives together, supporting each other, loving each other, challenging each other, and elevating ourselves to be able to sacrifice for each other and compromise when needed as well as to help each other fulfill our potential as individuals and as a couple.

This whole experience has confirmed for me that couples should 100% talk about marriage before the proposal. Surprise proposals are nice and romantic but if all the important issues haven’t been discussed prior to that proposal, it’s going to be harder to go through it once you’re in the marriage (I think). In this video, we discuss some books to read and suggestions for figuring out whether or not marriage is the right step. For Arel and I, we concluded that yes, we wanted to still get married. We made some compromises, agreed to work on individual as well as couple issues, and commit fully to our marriage.

We would love to hear what you think. Did you have any fears before your marriage? Did you talk about life together as a married couple before you took the plunge?

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One thought on “Video 12: working on the marriage not just the wedding

  1. This was a much needed post. I am a Jew married to a Christian. Our marriage is also interracial. When we began dating we knew right away we were right for each other and became engaged after only 6 months. It became clear that we needed to learn more about each others values and goals for us to both be happy.

    We postponed the wedding, and after 2 years of dating we were ready to marry. To make sure we were prepared we had premarital counseling. We did not have the support of our families for obvious and not so obvious reasons. The counseling reassured us and also engaged us in discussions of how we want to build our home. Everything from raising Jewish children, making sure my wife did not feel pressured to convert and making us each feel comfortable with our decisions.

    The counseling and preparation are more important than anything else you ‘buy’ for the wedding. I would know I am a premarital educator! These are the things that prevent divorce.

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