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All the wedding planning up until now was smooth. It felt like a dream, somewhere between a fairytale type of dream and the feeling of being separated from reality. Like those moments when you first fall asleep and canâ€™t decide whether you are awake. At some point, I should have pinched myself to see if I was awake. Instead, life took care of that for me.
Things in my life changed. Some things were bad. Things started happening in the lives of those very close to me. Everything collided simultaneously. No matter what was happening, it wasnâ€™t rainingâ€”it was pouring, and I didnâ€™t have an umbrella. S**t got real.
I get angry thinking about earlier Emily in her previous posts. Why was she so darn cheery? Why was everything such a breeze for her? Screw her! When serious things started to happen in my life, I didnâ€™t think I could plan a wedding anymore. I did a lot of thinking and that thinking led to doubt. Were we making decisions without thinking about budget? What is our budget anyway? Did we research things enough to make informed decisions? Was this was the type of wedding I wanted? Were the things that were chosen for us as uniquely and appropriately â€śmeâ€ť as I wanted them to be?
Yes, we won a wedding contest, and most of the vendors were chosen for us and are free, but other things are covered at a base price that we will end up upgrading. Still, other things are not covered at all. That may add up to a considerable amount of money in the long run. Since s**t had recently gotten real in my life, I started to get insanely frustrated when people said, â€śWell you won a free wedding so thereâ€™s not much to complain or worry about.â€ť OK, maybe it was my fault for telling everyone it was free, but I was suddenly wrestling with my gratitude for winning and the reality of what the final bill would be. And I certainly did have a lot to complain and worry about aside from the wedding.
I am eternally appreciative of what we are receiving, and I hate saying anything that sounds less than grateful. After all, instead of being a free wedding, itâ€™s probably more like the sale-of-a-lifetime on a wedding, which no one really gets, and thatâ€™s nothing to take lightly.
Things have started to come around for me. I think about where I was mentally in the last month, and Iâ€™m glad everything is evening out. I am excited to plan our wedding and Iâ€™m so excited to look into Joseâ€™s eyes as I say my vows. I realize thatâ€™s what really matters, not all the silly decisions. Heâ€™s been my rock through this adversity, and Iâ€™m weirdly grateful for everything thatâ€™s happened, since this tough time has served to strengthen our partnership. It has reinforced that Jose is the man I want to spend my life with. He always has a way of making me laugh and bringing me back to whatâ€™s important in life. Heâ€™s my best friend and my soul mate.
Iâ€™ve turned the corner mentally, aided by the contemplative and introspective time of the Jewish â€śDays of Awe;â€ť the time between the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) and the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur). This time offers the chance to right your wrongs from the last year and reflect on how youâ€™d like to improve in the next year. Itâ€™s an interesting task to contemplate the sins youâ€™ve made against yourself, your loved ones and your community. This offers a chance to connect deeper with family members and those close to you, and to reach out for support.
With plenty of time to think, I arrived at a place of happiness and contentment with our wedding choices and with what we have been given. The wedding will be incredible, and not because itâ€™s some magical fairytale, but because itâ€™s real. Because it isnâ€™t perfect. Because real s**t can happen in our lives and Jose and I can get through it together. Because we are better together than we are apart and I want to scream that from the top of the Loews Hotel Philadelphia in December!