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By Aliyah Gluckstadt
Planning an interfaith wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for couples to create a ceremony filled with traditions that have personal meaning to both partners. Couples can learn what the history and meaning behind Jewish traditions are, and then they can decide together, and with their officiant, what is best for them. The ketubah is an integral part of the wedding because it is signed before the ceremony begins and then must be conserved for the rest of your marriage.
The ketubah is a long-held tradition, so when a couple feels connected to this custom, we at ketubah.com are happy to help them find the right one. The right text. A design they love. And with over 700 options and a staff that has been helping couples with their ketubahs for 20 years, ketubah.com helps you every step of the way!
The first question an interfaith couple might ask themselves is: Why have a ketubah? To answer that we have to go back and give a brief understanding of what the ketubah even is!
The ketubah is often called the Jewish marriage contract, but I like to think of it as the first-ever prenup. Keeping in mind when the ketubah was created (2,000 years ago), women went from their fatherâ€™s home to their husbandâ€™s home. If, God forbid, they were to divorce, the ketubah outlined that the dowry be returned to the wife and that he take care of her. It was a contract to protect her, knowing that she would not be able to work. It outlined a husbandâ€™s commitment to his wife, signed by witnesses and given to the bride in front of witnesses of their marriage and commitment.
Even though we are past that kind of gendered thinking these days, the ketubah is still a critical part of a Jewish wedding ceremony. It is one of the many ways on the wedding day that a couple is declared â€śmarried!â€ť
Once you have decided that you want to have a ketubah, the next question is, what will your ketubah say? Ketubah.comâ€™s Signature Collection has over 700 designs that all offer four interfaith ketubah texts which you can read before placing your order and even send to your officiant for input. There are also other text options including a completely custom Digital Calligraphy of your own text, which many modern couples especially interfaith couples choose and we can have it translated into Hebrew* for you. If you want to include a different language we can even do that as a custom text.
The beauty of the modern ketubah is that it can have a text that means something to you personally and as a couple. The original purpose of the ketubah is still there but is elevated to mean more to you as a couple through your modern text. We strongly recommend discussing the ketubah with your rabbi or officiant. They should know this is something you want to include in your wedding ceremony. If you are still looking for the right officiant, we love that InterfaithFamily has a free clergy referral service. They can approve your text, personalization form and the text proof before the ketubah is finalized. We can even add additional signature lines to include a co-officiant or more witnesses (upon request and may be limited depending on the ketubah design). Another great place to get ideas for your text is Anita Diamantâ€™s book, The Jewish Wedding Now. You can also find more sample text ideas from InterfaithFamily.
Donâ€™t know how to write your name in Hebrew? No problem! Our new and improved Personalization Form can help you find it, or you can just check off the box for our professional staff to transliterate your name for you or your partner. Donâ€™t know what the Hebrew date of your wedding is? Just tell us if the chuppah ceremony will be taking place before or after sunset and voila, you have your Hebrew wedding date!
The most fun but sometimes overwhelming part is finding the design you love. You can really choose any style you want and decide together, as a couple, what speaks to you. Perhaps you would prefer a ketubah without Jewish symbolism like the many couples who love a tree design (so much so that we just had to find out Why Tree ketubahs are so Popular?). We also have ketubahs that incorporate different religions like Michelle Rummelâ€™s Double Happiness design. There doesnâ€™t seem to be any major trend as to what most interfaith couples chose and the options are nearly endless.
Finding the right partner was hard but finding the right ketubah doesnâ€™t have to be! With the help of your officiant and our staff, it can be the smoothest part of your wedding planning.
Tune in for a Facebook Live with Aliyah Gluckstadt and Rabbi Robyn Frisch on August 2, where they will answer any of your questions about ketubahs for an interfaith wedding!
* For an additional cost. Please see ketubah.com for all prices.
Aliyah Gluckstadt is the social media manager and blogger for Ketubah.comÂ and started in customer service. She was especially excited when it came time to choose a ketubah for her wedding last September and was so inspired by the ketubah, she had the invitations designed by the same artist. Aliyah was also a Digital Editorial Intern at Martha Stewart Weddings.
ByÂ Nataliya Naydorf
“I don’t think being with someone who isnâ€™t Jewish compromises my Judaism.” I said to my fiancĂ© on our first date. “As longÂ as my partner is open, tolerant and willing to learn about my traditions, IÂ can’t say it would be a huge issue.”
He had asked meÂ whetherÂ I was OK with dating someone who wasn’t Jewish and how I reconciled that with my beliefs. Our original plan was to play pool, but instead we ended up sitting and talking for four-and-a-half hours about everything that you’re not supposed to talk about on the first date. At that point, we had most definitely broken the cardinal rule of first dates by discussing politics, religion and children. Let’s just say that I’m not great at being subtle and knew it was a good sign that he didn’t try to flee the scene.
I met Andy when we were working on the same projectÂ at a consulting firm in Washington, DC. Our first non-work related conversation occurred after our building was evacuated during the districtâ€™s earthquake in 2011. We bonded over our shared anxiety about using public restrooms. Afterwards, we began to speak more frequently and eventually began dating.
Our first date conversation regarding religion was only the beginning of our continued dialogue. As we became closer and our relationshipÂ grew more serious, we learned to traverse our religious differences together. I am a Ukrainian Jew who identifies most with Conservative Judaism. While I am not shomer Shabbat (I do not keep to the strict rules around observing Shabbat, such as not using electricity), I do keep kosher, go to Shabbat services at least once a month, and make sure to light candles and say kiddush on Fridays.Â Andy was raised Catholic but dislikes organized religion and considers himself somewhere in between agnostic and atheist.
Thankfully, one of the most significant strengths of our relationship is our ability to communicateÂ effectively. Our conversations regarding religion, while sometimes difficult, have been meaningful and have helped us to better understand each other.
When our relationship became serious and more questions regarding religion arose, I realized that I wasn’t able to answer many of them. While I was following some traditions and was involved in Jewish learning, there were still many things I was ignorant about. In the past, I had assumed that my partner would be Jewish and would be in charge of most of the religious traditions. When I realized that I would be the partner that would take that role in our home, I began to learn as much as I could. With the full support of Andy, I took a six month sabbatical from work to study Torah and Talmud at the Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies in Jerusalem. It was an amazing experience that helped me to take more control over my religious beliefs and practices.
As we spoke of marriage and children, Andy devoted time to learning more about Judaism too. It was already a part of our lives in terms of food and Friday nights, which resulted in him being extremely knowledgeable about kashrut and the Shabbat songs and prayers. He furthered his education by reading books about Judaism and Jewish history, especially This is My God by Herman Wouk. Additionally, we took an introduction to Judaism class and attended an interfaith workshop at the DC JCC.
When we first started planning our wedding a year ago, I had a feeling that one of the hardest things would be to find a rabbi who would marry us, be supportive and be willing to perform a traditional Jewish ceremony that was inclusive of friends and family. However, there turned out to be many resources for finding a rabbi to perform an interfaith wedding, including Unorthodox Celebrations and InterfaithFamily’s referral service for finding officiants.
Unfortunately, after speaking with several rabbis, I did not feel a true connection with any of them. Feeling ready to give up, I decided to do my own research. We are getting married near a small Virginia town which happens to have a Reform synagogue. On a whim, I called the synagogue and asked them if their rabbi performs interfaith ceremonies. The very helpful gentleman on the phone told me that the current rabbi does not and it crushed me. Fortunately, he then told me that their previous rabbi who had just retired did and gave me his contact information. It turned out to be perfect. The rabbi’s wife’s family was also from Ukraine and we had a lot in common. We met with him recently to plan the ceremony.
Andy and I decided together that our ceremony would be Jewish, but would still be inclusive of our friends and family who are not Jewish. Our go-to wedding book was A New Jewish Wedding by Anita Diamant (she has a new version that just came out, The Jewish Wedding Now). It helped us tremendously with finding traditions that resonated with the both of us. After reading the book, we worked closely with our rabbi to discuss the parts of a Jewish wedding that we wanted to include. One of those elements includes a ketubah, which we are getting through Ketubah.com.
We are including both of our sisters as witnesses and used InterfaithFamily’s â€śChoosing an Interfaith Ketubahâ€ť resource to create our custom ketubah text. We will also be having a chuppah with two friends and two family members as chuppah holders, a tnaim ceremony for our mothers and yichud, which is a short interlude after the wedding ceremony where Andy and I can have a moment to ourselves during what will be a happy, albeit chaotic, day.
Because we had so many resources to aid us in planning our wedding, because we had the support of a rabbi and because of our ability to communicate our thoughts and feelings about religion, planning our wedding has not only been incredibly meaningful, but it has strengthened our love and commitment to each other. We are three months out from our wedding day and we can’t wait to say “Cheers,” “L’chaim” and “Nazdarovye” with all of our friends and family.
When Jarrett and I started our wedding planning journey last April, I knew very little about Jewish wedding traditions. However, once I learned how important it was to Jarrett for us to have a Jewish wedding ceremony, I spent time learning about Jewish wedding traditions so we could find special ways to incorporate these traditions into our big day.
One tradition Jarrett and I have been particularly focused on over the last few weeks is the design of our interfaith Ketubah. The Ketubah is a Jewish marriage contract. In ancient times, this marriage contract was legally binding and confirmed that the groom would provide for his new spouse. Today, the Ketubah is a personalized piece of art that includes both meaningful text and design. The modern Ketubah has been adapted from ancient times to better illustrate modern marriage, the partnership between a couple and their love and commitment to each other.
During our first meeting with our wedding officiant, Rabbi Robyn Frisch (Director of IFF/Philadelphia), we discussed ceremony details, including the Ketubah. She advised that we choose a Ketubah that is meaningful to us, especially when deciding on the text. She informed us that there are different texts written for couples of different religious backgrounds so we should search for interfaith text for our Ketubah (for ideas see this InterfaithFamily resource). She also asked us to start thinking about who we would choose as our witnesses in signing our Ketubah on our wedding day. The two witnesses must not be related to us but should be very special people in our lives to share in such an important tradition.
Rabbi Robyn made suggestions on where to search for our perfect Ketubah, including the National Museum of Jewish American History in Philadelphia as well as Etsy online. Then, at our last InterfaithFamily Love & Religion workshop a fellow classmate who is also in the process of planning her interfaith wedding made the suggestion to look on www.ketubah.com.
I spent days scouring through the pages of beautifully-designed Ketubahs and shared many of my favorite designs with Jarrett. Itâ€™s a big decision as we look forward to having this special work of art displayed during our wedding ceremony in October and then hanging it inside our home for years to come. We loved so many of the options on the ketubah.com website. It was a hard decision but we were drawn toward the intricacy of the paper cut ketubah designs. Our favorite design has personalized touches within the artwork, including our names cut into the top.Â We can also choose to incorporate a favorite quote or phrase around the perimeter of the Ketubah design.
This site offered four interfaith text options for us to choose from. I printed one of each text choice from their website and on a recent road trip Jarrett and I spent time reading the texts together to determine which one was most meaningful to us. We chose an interfaith text that we could identify with and felt symbolized our partnership with words we would use toward one another. We felt especially connected to the text that states, “They choose each other as friends according to the teachings of our ancestors who said, ‘Acquire a friend with whom you will learn, next to whom you will sleep and in whom you will confide.’â€ť
To make this wedding planning step even more special, Jarrettâ€™s mom has requested to buy our Ketubah as part of our wedding gift because it is equally important to her that we have chosen to incorporate Jewish wedding traditions into our big day. We look forward to seeing our personalized Ketubah when it arrives and we are even more excited to participate in the Ketubah-signing ceremony on our wedding day in less than five months!