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I donâ€™t want anyone to panic, but weâ€™re nearly at the six-month mark. Six months untilâ€¦.holy moly matrimony. Luckily, weâ€™ve figured a few things out. Like that big question: who will officiate the ceremony?
One of the pieces of InterfaithFamilyâ€™s work that I’m most excited about is how they work with couples to find officiants for wedding ceremoniesâ€”my work at Keshet has put me in touch with couples who have found it easier to find officiants for a same-sex marriage ceremony than for an interfaith ceremony.
I have a soapbox I could stand on to discuss how bananas I think that is, but Iâ€™ll save that for another timeâ€”thatâ€™s more of an in-person rant.
I donâ€™t think our situation is very uniqueâ€”unless you have very active ties to a religious institution, finding an officiant means doing a little research and a little legwork. It means thinking about the type of person you want setting the tone for your ceremonyâ€”what readings will they recommend? What customs do you want in place? How much flexibility will there be with traditions? Will they be funny? Somber? Will they quote the Princess Bride? Will they be OK with the fact that your partner isnâ€™t Jewish? The list goes on and on.
For us, we wanted someone who knows us well. Weâ€™re actually lucky in the fact that I count in my closest circle of friends not one, not two, but three rabbis. And, one of Justinâ€™s best friends was at one point ordained in an online ceremony in order to perform weddings.
So, finding someone who knows us well enough to help tailor a ceremony to our inter-faith, egalitarian, not-so-traditional-social-norm needs wasnâ€™t as big of a challenge as we first assumed.
All of these considerations led us to sit down with one of my friends from college, Rabbi Becky Silverstein, to discuss the idea of his performing the ceremony.
Working with Becky has a few obvious advantages: since he serves in the official role of â€śOne of Jordynâ€™s Best Friends in the Whole Wide World,â€ť he has already implicitly agreed to help field any pre (and post) wedding melt downs. So, on the trust level, weâ€™re good. This is someone who knows us well.
And, Rabbi Silverstein is the type of rabbi weâ€™d want to work with even if we didnâ€™t know him personallyâ€”smart, kind, and actively working to make the Jewish world more inclusive for the queer community. Rabbi Silverstein is one of the very few openly transgender rabbis in America, and both Justin and I are inspired by his courage.
Youâ€™d think asking one of your best friends to be the rabbi at your wedding would mean you’d get a pass on the tough questionsâ€”but Rabbi Silverstein asked us to think about the same things heâ€™d ask any couple.
The three of us spoke about what role Judaism played in our lives, how we would continue to support each other in our religious practices, and why we wanted to have a Jewish ceremonyâ€”all good questions to set the tone for planning your ceremony. Actually, and perhaps more importantly, these are all good questions for setting the tone for your life as a partners. Talking with Becky reminded us that no matter what, communicating with each other as we explore faith, religion and community is so incredibly important for a healthy and supportive relationship.
Now, with just over six months to go, weâ€™re pulling together the little details and asking some of the bigger questions. Weâ€™ve got our officiant. Weâ€™ve got our ceremony location. Next weekend Iâ€™ll be marking the start of Passover and Easter by going dress-shopping with family. I think weâ€™re going to pull this off.