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By Lynda Barness
You are now engaged! NOW WHAT?
Here are five things to consider before jumping in, from a Master Wedding Planner:
1. Breathe. Iâ€™m not kidding! Take some time to enjoy your engagementâ€”and each other. And your families. And your friends.
2.Â Get to work. When you are ready to start working (and yes, it may feel like work, so now would be a good time to consider a wedding planner if you are thinking about hiring one), you and your partner will want to have a discussion about your wish list: time of year (and which year), which city, what type of officiant, what kind of venue and more. So often there are other voices in this discussion, but the couple can prioritize their wish list first and then discuss it with family and others.
3. Get your guest list in order. You canâ€™t possibly pick a place for a ceremony or reception without knowing how many people you will invite. A question that I am asked very often is about the drop-off rate. If you invite your whole guest list, how many can you figure wonâ€™t attend? You canâ€™t figure this at all, so please donâ€™t bother trying! I know of a wedding where 277 guests were invited and 275 attended. The moral of this story is to look for a venue that will hold everyone you have invited. Remember, you wouldnâ€™t be inviting these guests if you didnâ€™t want them to come, so they just might!
4. Choose an officiant. The officiant will need to be the first to be chosen/hired. You need that person to be available and willing to be with you on your wedding day, and youâ€™ll need to nail that day down before you can confirm with a venue. InterfaithFamilyâ€™s clergy referral service is the perfect place to start! Next step is finding a venue…
5. Secure the reception venue and start hiring your wedding professionals. This looks very simple in the abstract. It is not! Especially if one partner has always imagined getting married in a synagogue and the other has a picture of an outdoor ceremony in mind. This is a big decision to figure out together and often requires compromiseâ€”what better time than the present to work on that skill? If you are hiring a wedding planner, or are even thinking of hiring one, it will be helpful to have this person on-board at this point as well.
When it comes to the wedding day itself, there are four things that I think are essential to keep in mind:
1. Invitations and their wording. Do the names of both sets of parents appear on the invitation? Are only the hosts (the ones who are paying) listed? Hereâ€™s some advice from a planner: It is lovely to include all the parents and have them all feel a part of this day, and it is a clear signal to everyone that the two families are joining together.
2. Ceremony logistics. Who sits on what side, who walks down the aisle with whom and who stands or sits where? This can get complicated, especially since different religions handle it differently. Itâ€™s a matter of compromise and sensitivity. Do mom and dad walk down the aisle with their child as Jewish tradition dictates? Or has the bride who is not Jewish always imagined herself walking down the aisle with just her father? Do the parents stand, do they hold the chuppah or do they sit during the ceremony? These are great questions to discuss with your officiant and one of the reasons clergy can be so helpful.
3. Religious ritual objects. Do you want to have a chuppah? What about a ketubah? Which rituals from each of your faiths do you want to include? How can you best represent your individuality and your coming together as a new family? Again, your officiant can be a huge source of assistance here, and if you are having a Jewish wedding, a great place to learn about rituals and ritual objects is in Anita Diamantâ€™s go-to book, The Jewish Wedding Now.
4. The Jewish tradition of yichud is one that seems to have become both modified and universal. After the ceremony, the couple has some private time (often with hors dâ€™oeuvres and drinks) to simply share the first moments of their marriage alone with each other. This is such a special time and lovely tradition, and I always recommend it.
The best advice I have heard is to take some days off every week and donâ€™t even discuss wedding planning. It will be exhausting if you try to do wedding planning every single day from now until your wedding, so spend a little time with your honey without the stress of wedding or religion talk.
Lynda Barness launched I DO Wedding Consulting in 2005 after a successful and award-winning career as a real estate developer and homebuilder. Lynda earned the designation of Master Wedding Planner from the International Association of Wedding Consultants and also has a certificate in Wedding Planning and Consulting from Temple University.Â She combines education with years of experience as she helps navigate the complexities and challenges of planning the big day–with consulting services, day-of services, customized and full service planningâ€”in the Greater Philadelphia area and beyond. Her background and experience are varied, and she has been both a participant and leader in a variety of civic, philanthropic and political activities.
Our wedding blogger Matt Rice recently wrapped up his blog after getting married to his now wife, Shannon. Weâ€™re sad to see him leave our blog, but thrilled for his happy union. While we search for a new wedding blogger, I thought I would fill in since I recently got engaged! I have to be upfront though: My fiancĂ© is Jewish, and I am Jewish, so we are not an interfaith couple. Scandalous, I know, but I think there are a lot of pieces of wedding planning that are similar for anyone planning a Jewish weddingâ€”interfaith or not. To some extent, every wedding is the bringing together of two different faiths, and a couple must navigate their familiesâ€™ differences during the planning process. I hope I can be of help or at least amusement until we find a new bloggerâ€”and if you are planning a wedding and are interested in blogging, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I got engaged in September, and have already nailed down a date and a place, taken engagement photos (my brother is a photographer and was kind enough to give us this gift), blocked off hotel rooms for guests and are close to figuring out who our rabbi and caterer will be. Oh, and I tried on dresses yesterday. (Never has anything been more fun.) We can sit back and eat bon bons now, right?
Not so fast. Weâ€™re planning on getting married in Bristol, Rhode Island, which means the bulk of our organizing revolves around the Newport area. Newport is a major wedding destination and everything from lodging to photographers book up quickly. (And no, my brother will not be allowed to work on our wedding day!)
My fiancĂ©Â and I found ourselves suddenly going from blissfully engaged to full-on planning our wedding just two weeks after our engagement. Not to say this part isnâ€™t also excitingâ€”from the grins on our faces, itâ€™s clear we are not exactly sweating it. But at the same time, after each item gets checked off the list, thereâ€™s another one waiting to be explored just as urgently.
Itâ€™s kind of like holiday prepâ€”I realize many of us are overwhelmed with the upcoming Thanksgivukkah mega holiday (Is it here yet???), but of course weâ€™re looking forward to it at the same time. How do you keep things in perspective when you’re stressed out prepping for a holiday that is both celebratory and spiritual? IFF/Chicago director Ari Moffic blogged about stress release during the holidays.
When it comes to wedding planning, I find that what keeps the process fun, exciting and meaningful is the constant reminder of what will be our joy at the end of it all: a day in which we make a lifelong commitment surrounded by our loved ones. Eye on the prize.
But how do you keep your eye on the prize when there is a seemingly endless list of things to do to prepare for your wedding day over the next TEN months? Take a step back. What works for me might not work for you, but simply spending quality time with my fiancĂ© and participating in the planning together is what I find makes it all meaningful. Itâ€™s more fun to pick out save the dates or imagine a menu when youâ€™re bouncing ideas off your fiancĂ©. I realize I am lucky in that my fiancĂ© actually wants to be an equal player in this process, which is not often the case. (I’m sorry if that sounds sexist: I do not mean to say this exclusively pertains to men. But often there is one person who is less interested in planning than the other.)
I also know that Iâ€™m only two months into wedding planning. I keep hearing that things will get more stressful as it gets closer. But your fiancĂ© is your support. He or she is your partner and your care taker and your source of joy. Whether or not they want to help you pick out flower arrangements–and whether or not you agree on bigger issues like whether or not to have a rabbi officiate the ceremony–lean on that person. I promise everything will seem easier.
Greetings InterfaithFamily & Friends,
Arel and I have been out of the loop for awhile due to the recent high holy holidays. We didn’t want to plaster our videos everywhere while more important agendas were going on for the Jewish people. For us, this was an especially meaningful past weeks as we celebrated our first high holidays as a Jewish couple. It was heartfelt and it gave us the space to reflect on how far we’ve come as a couple and where we want to go from here on all sorts of levels, especially spiritually. We are genuinely excited about the upcoming year.
So now that we’re back to wedding planning, we have another video for you. The honest truth is that we both are not so great with planning, which means we had to come up with a solution otherwise our wedding would be one horrendous party. What did we end up doing? Watch the video to find out.