My way or the freeway
Oct 11th, 2006 by Rachel
We’re a few weeks into the new year, and I’ve resolved to get this blog restarted. Or, well, started. The good people at InterfaithFamily are giving me this opportunity, and I need to start using it. Mea culpa for my absence.
To tell you the truth, I haven’t felt much like writing lately. I’m going through an interfaith crisis. And it’s hard to think about, much less blog about.
But I have to try. Maybe this is the only way I’m going to get through it.
For the little over a year that D and I have been living together, he’s been pretty supportive of my Jewish observances. Occasionally we’d quibble over the necessity of keeping separate meat-and-milk dishes, and I always knew that he wasn’t “into” religion, but for the most part he was very accommodating and sweet. Once when we were in Napa for a weekend, I mentioned offhand that it was Friday and we weren’t doing Shabbat - and he apologized. And when I messed up during Kiddush once, he tried to get me back on track, even though he didn’t quite know how to pronounce the words. *melt*
But things have changed. We’ve changed, our relationship has changed. And out of nowhere recently, D said that he didn’t want to “do” Jewish anymore.
Worse yet, he didn’t want me to, either.
As I’ve mentioned before, D is an atheist. But not just an atheist - he doesn’t believe in religion. Actually, he hates religion. Is there a term for that?
D thinks religion is stupid. In those words. He thinks people who are religious are weak, that they’re wasting their time when they could be spending it on “fun” things. And, he says, he wants me to give up my religion so that I can be “free” with him - free of the constraints of the laws and commandments, free of the requirements of holidays. Just free.
It’s hard for me to know how to respond to that. Is it possible to explain why going to synagogue on Simchat Torah might be more fun than playing Xbox? And is it possible to describe the loneliness and emptiness I would feel if I really did give up my religion, something that’s been pretty much my whole life for 23 years, and the disappointment I would face from my family?
On the other hand, I can see that for D, being areligious is like a religion. He believes in not believing. And I know Judaism, with its rules and restrictions and obscure customs, can be a particular deterrent to people who “just aren’t that into religion.”
At this point, it’s sort of like we’re pushing against each other and getting nowhere. I want D to embrace something he doesn’t yet feel comfortable with, and may never feel comfortable with. He wants me to give it all up so, together, we can be truly independent, of everything.
I’m hoping he’ll change his mind. I really am. I’m willing to give it time, but it’s hard. This isn’t just interfaith, it’s no-faith. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if he were a wildly observant Muslim or Catholic or whatever - at least he’d understand why I have to do this.
It’s hard for me to go without saying Kiddush on Friday nights, and it’s even harder for me to feel embarrassed and guilty about basically begging him to stand with me at the table while I say it. He’s not a bad guy, far from it, he’s just stubborn. Especially about religion. We both are, I guess.
It’s weird, though - lately, I’ve felt different about religion, too, and I hope it’s not going to turn into a bad thing. These High Holy Days, as I sat in synagogue (alone), I honestly wished I weren’t there. I mean, I never REALLY want to go to shul on those days, and spend most of my time reading a (Jewish-themed) book behind my machzor and counting the number of pages we have left, but I’ve never felt this much boredom and malaise. I felt like I had just wasted $250 on something that I was only doing to make my parents happy, to make myself feel like I went, I participated.
But what was the point? Was God going to hate me if I spent that weekend camping on a beach, writing my sins on rocks and throwing them into the ocean, and praying into the surf? Or was this just the part of me talking that feels guilty about being religious around D, and wants to do what he asks?
It’s hard to get someone into being Jewish when they don’t want to be - and you’re not exactly sure where you stand, either.
i don’t know how i stumbled upon your blog, but i’m glad i did. my boyfriend (of four years) also comes from a life of religious a-religion, specifically the anti-clerical world of catholic france. (i must admit i have also occasionally wished he were a religious catholic!) in order to show him that judaism was beautiful and important, i had to first figure out how judaism was beautiful and important for me (a lifelong journey). i’ve found that while i feel compelled to go to synagogue and suffer through hours of page-counting in spite of myself, that is not something i can ask him to do because he doesn’t share that irrational compulsion. the jewish life we share has to be based on things that are meaningful for both of us (who doesn’t feel like a relaxing home-cooked meal on friday night?). while i still sometimes wish he would just “get” why i go to shul even though it ultimately tends to either bore or enrage me, by taking intro to judaism classes together, sharing seders and shabbats, and introducing him to open, tolerant, friendly rabbis, over time judaism has become a part of both our lives, even though he may never call himself a jew. the title “interfaith” doesn’t apply to those of us who stuggle to bring any kind of religious practice into a relationship. i hope it helps you to know you’re not alone in this special situation.
i look forward to reading more about your adventures. feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat more (i’m a bay area comrad too!) good luck!
Judaism isn’t a religion, it’s a set of blood purity laws designed to keep Jews marrying and breeding with other Jews only, AKA to keep Jewish blood ‘in the tribe.’
Your partner may not be a RELIGIOUS Jew, but I bet that he is an ETHNIC Jew right, as in he comes from a Jewish family? (even if he is an atheist he is still a Jew; or he could be a Jewish Buddhist, a Jewish Wiccan…yes even a Jewish Muslim; or a Jew can worship NOTHING — but he/she will still be a Jew).
Point proven: Judaism is not a religion, but blood purity laws. Ever notice how many Jewish atheists there are everywhere? (strangely enough though, they are still classified as Jews)
Hello,
I understand that you are not married. Let me just say that you are very, very young, and that we all have to find our way in life. As one who has grown into observance with my wife, I can say that this is the way that marriage is supposed to be. I can also say that you should really talk with a caring Orthodox rabbi about your dilemna (I say this since you say you are Orthodox). I do not know where you live, but I can put you in touch with someone. Also, regarding Kashrut, I am Orthodox and nearly everyone in my community (Baltimore) who is Orthodox keeps Kashrut. Trust me, as you G-d willing have children and raise a family, you will want to be together on Shabbat, Yom Tovim, and other occassions. You will want your husband to kvell when your son says hamotzei for the first time. I saw my brother who was intermarried (and whose wife did not participate in Jewish ritual) suffer for years when his wife would not come to services on the High Holidays. Finally, he realized that he wanted a Jewish home, and for this and other reasons, had to go through a divorce before getting his life back on track. And since you say you are Orthodox, let me tell you (and no offense to those who observe other streams of Judaism) a Jewish home in the O community is one with two Jewish parents. Feel free to email me directly at sethmason11@yahoo.com if you would like to discuss this further. I wish you all the best.
Seth
Are you still blogging? I’m looking forward to reading more on your blog! Happy (secular) New Year!
“Judaism isn’t a religion, it’s a set of blood purity laws designed to keep Jews marrying and breeding with other Jews only, AKA to keep Jewish blood ‘in the tribe.’”
exactly, and how can this be a good thing?
ever heard of tay sachs disease?
inbreeding is not cool.
…and neither is mutilating childrens genitals.