Bar and Bat Mitzvah - Page 3

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Re: gifts

Author: scott  Date:   01-05-04 12:09 Charlotte, naming a star would be a nice, unique gift. Just about anytyhing makes a nice gift, also keep in mind, you are buying something for a 13 year old child, not an adult.

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Re: paul's post

Author: scott  Date:   01-05-04 23:20 << So this is a heartfelt request from a non-Jewish father - can someone explain to me what I should be feeling proud or happy or excited ABOUT, before I find myself participating willingly but unemotionally in my son's Bar Mitzvah?>> Paul, its difficlut to anwer your question. Not being Jewish puts you in a unique position. First I will say that the becoming a bar mitzvah has changed alot since its inception about 500 years ago. Jewish boys would become teenage masters of Jewish rleigious texts and torah around age 13. Imagine growing up in an environment where you learend religion all day long, 5- 6 days a week,fromn age 5-12/13 with virtually no secular subject matter( math, ect.) You would be very well- no, nealy expertly versed in religious scripture. Thats just what the bar-mitzvah ceremony was intended originalyy to celebrate. It was a sort of a "coming out" ceremony-(for lack of a better term) for Jewish boys who had a achieved a very high- very very high, level of learning and uinderstanding of Jewish texts. Few Jews today, save for the ultra-orthodox, still educate their children in such a way, and they would only be in Israel. American Law requires secular education, no matter what. We just dotn have the time to spend 5-6 days a week learning nothing but religion. -which i think is a good thing i might add.Because of this, the barmitzvah ceremony, and what it means, has changed greatly over the years. The thought of then, that anybody non-Jewish would even think of particvipating an a bar miotvah in any way was unheard of. Well... times have changed and here we are. I guess my question to you is why does your sonm want a bar-mitzvah? If it is just for a big party, i would strongly question it. Has your son made any signifigant accomplishments in his Jewsih studies? The ceremony involves no affirmation of faith, you are correct. We dont say "we formally acept......abc" for example. But also, your rabbi may not have made it clear..... there need be no formal afirmation of faith. A bar mitzvah, in a way, is a defacto affiormation of faith. To have a service in synagogue requires much practice and hard work. Who invests serious time into something they are not commited to? But the first and foremmost thing that should be considered is wether or not your son has made any accomplishments in his studeis in Judaism. Thats really what a bar/bat mitvah is about. It is a way for a child to demonstrate his/her skills and his/her comitment to the Jewish faith and people, in a public setting. Thats where the religion issue comes into play. Sure, you can be happy for him becoming bar mitzvah, but because you are not Jewish, you cannot FULLY, and i stress... FULLY, understand what it means as a Jew to be barmitzvah. This day and age many bar/bat mitzvahs dont fully understand themselves..... they are only 13 after all. But, as they get older, they realize the importnace of it. If your son has accomplished something in becoming barmitzvah, then you should feel proud and happy for him. If little or no work has been done, and this is more of a social; thing, then the answer, at least my answer, is that you really have nothing to be proud of. I have been to plenty a bar mitzvahj where it is indeed the case that it is more social than anything, and these parents were both Jewish, in everycase. For them it is more a social status thing, and I disagree with this idea. A barmitzvah is not about a part and inviting every freind and relatve from all over the place. Its natural for you to feel detached from this.... your not Jewish. No one should fault you for feeling detached. If your son made a real accomplishment, (and only you can judge that) then you can participate by public acknowledging his hard work at the ceremony. I dont see how elese you could, or should participate, if your son accomplishe litte or next to nothing.

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Re:Attending Bat Mitzvah

Author: Connie Jacobus  Date:   01-09-04 21:17 Hello- My 12 year old daughter will be attending a friends bat Mitzvah. I was told that an appropriate monetary gift should be in multiples of $18. Can you please tell me the significance of this? Thank you. Connie

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Re: Connie's question

Author: BobP  Date:   01-12-04 13:25 Connie In the Hebrw alphabet, there are 22 letters. Each letter has a numerical value. The hebrew word for LIFE (Chai) has the numerical value of 18. That is why multiples of $18 (multiple values of Chai) is used.

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Re: patrilineal Bar/Bat Mitzvah boycott by conservatives

Author: Dave  Date:   02-02-04 03:21 I am writing about how in the case of interfaith families, the Conservative as well as the Orthodox will only consider the kids as Jews if it is the Mom who is the Jewish parent. If they want to believe that for their communities that is just fine. An even more controversial issue is that those movements disapprove of the Reform and Reconstructionist movements recognizing kids who only have Jewish Dads as Jews. My niece will be celebrating her Bat Mitzvah this April. She has a somewhat close friend who she met at the local JCC Day Camp who's family is Conservative. The friend's parents will not be allowing her to attend my niece's Bat Matzvah, since she doesn't have a Jewish Mom. Her family has strong beliefs when it comes to matrilineal descent, and that those who only have Jewish Dads, even if being raised as Jews in the Reform or Reconstructionist movements, still really aren't Jews, and to not recognize their Jewish lifecycle events as a result. I find such a belief to be extremely selfish. In a similar issue on the website of questions and answers of a Conservative rabbi in Michigan, a young woman who was raised Jewish with only a Jewish Dad asked the rabbi, if he knew her personally, would he still have attended her Bat Mitzvah, or boycotted it since she isn't really Jewish in his book, and she also asked, if he tells his congregants to boycott the lifecycle events of patrilineal descent Jews. He mentioned that he would never suggest to his congregants that they take such action, and that if a movement accepts such an individual as Jewish in their settings, they are Jews, and should be embraced for that. While the rabbi himself, doesn't believe in patrilineal descent, he doesn't believe that those who are patrilineal descent Jews should be ostracized for being so.

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Re: bat mitzvah gifts

Author: Kristen  Date:   03-06-04 11:01 I found your site by typing in "monetarial gifts for Bar Mitzvahs". Yea! I had heard years ago that giving in multiples of "some amount" was a traditional custom in the Jewish faith. And Alas, I found it....18. Thank you! Now I can write my check in the appropriate amount.

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Re: Non-Jewish Bar Mitzvah parent

Author: James Jesberger  Date:   03-19-04 14:28 I appreciate your predicament. I will be participating in my son's Bar Mitzvah next saturday. Through high school and some of college I studied to be a Vincentian priest. So this is pretty far afield for me as well. I should mention that I was surprised that you mentioned nothing about the 'son of the covenent' quality of a Bar Mitzvah'. Do you find value in the 10 commandments? Also, do you know what a mitzvah is? You might want to do a little investigation on your own. While I'm somewhat uncomfortable myself. I want to please my wife here and have done all I can, short of converting, to make this work. I asked myself what I had to offer and decided to write a song for my son. It's called 'Footsteps of Abraham'. I sing about my son's wonderful qualities and his movement into adult life. This is something 'I' can contribute. Maybe you have something unique you can contribute as well. My sisters are doing some readings too, but not from the Torah. My wife and I chose them. I would suggest that you investigate reform judaism since the emphasis there is on inclusion. One of the things I enjoy about judaism is the ongoing discussion on the meaning of the torah. The reform movement is a big tent. Unlike Christianity there is no 'formula' that you must accept. Good luck.

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Our Bat Mitzvah

Author: CB Percy  Date:   03-23-04 13:25 Our daughter just had her Bat Mitzvah this past Saturday, so just some thoughts for folks searching through this site. The most important thing to know is that Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremonies and traditions vary from Temple to Temple and region to region. In our Reform Synagogue, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child leads the entire service, whereas in others the child reads only some prayers and their Torah portion. Also, in our Temple, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child has the option of creating his or her own service - In addition to the required components, incorporating special prayers, poems, writings, to expand on the significance of the day. Those I've seen are done very tastefully, with a lot of thought, and result in services which are extraordinarily meaningful to participants and attendees both. Because many of our friends are not Jewish, we always include explanations, throughout the service booklet that we create, to explain why certain things are done and to give some background history of the tradition. We have always emphasized to our children that the SERVICE is what the Bat Mitzvah is all about...the party is secondary....In some regions of the country unfortunately, the party is the reason for the event. In some regions, parites are overblown lavish events costing thousands of dollars. In our area, the parties are low-key, appropriate for the age of the honoree, and often done with personal creativity and minimal cost. We are always troubled by those who have been conditioned to ask "How much do I give?" Our response is that you are invited because you are special in our daughter's life....come share her tradition and our joy....gifts, like the party, are secondary. We do enjoy the candlelighting ceremony at the reception....but again, a low-key one....not the one with long poems and inside jokes. We view this tradition as a chance for the child to think of others...to honor those who have played a special role in the child's life. Our daughter is now homeschooled, but she honored some former teachers from public school as well as those from her religious training. She also honored her scouting friends, those who work with her on her community service projects, etc.....basically taking the time to think about those who have helped form her core. It's a nice gesture, and those at our reception loved it. As with anything...it's all in THE WAY you do something...."do it with dignity to match the occasion" is our motto. :-)

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Re: Catholic child and bar mitzvah

Author: Mrs. S  Date:   04-01-04 23:26 My ex husband is Jewish. I am Catholic. When we were first married, we agreed to raise our children Catholic, since I practice my faith and Joel hasn't really attended synagogue regularly in years. Joel and I have since divorced, and have joint custody of our 10 year old son, Adam. Adam has been going to Sunday School and made his first communion when he was 8. Joel never had a problem with this until now. He insists that Adam convert to Judaism and have a bar mitzvah, and is putting great pressure on Adam and me. My friends told me that one need not be Jewish to have a bar mitzvah, he may attend Hebrew school as a Catholic. Is this true? Please explain the criteria for having a bar mitzvah.

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Re: Mrs S & Adam

Author: BobP  Date:   04-02-04 21:41 <<My friends told me that one need not be Jewish to have a bar mitzvah... >> Your friends are mistaken. Bar Mitzvah literally means "son of the commandments". It is when a JEWISH boy becomes responsible for keeping G-d's commandments (before 13, he is not obligated to do so). A Jewish boy is therefore Bar Mitzvah at 13 - with or without a ceremony. What your friends may have heard about is a recent trend in some areas for non Jewish 13 year olds to have a "Bar Mitzvah" - but what they are doing is just having a lavish 13th birthday PARTY (with no religious meaning). While there may a few exceptions, I cannot envision a Hebrew school enrolling a non Jewish student (even one with a Jewish father) unless the child intends to convert.

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Re: Catholic child and bar mitzvah

Author: Ellen  Date:   04-04-04 20:41 Mrs. S. Of course a Catholic has the right to study Hebrew if he chooses to learn it. There is a country where Hebrew is the official language, and I'm sure there are scholars at Catholic institutions who can read it as well, so it's not just something one would study within the context of the Jewish religion. I don't know off hand where they teach Hebrew to children that are outside of Jewish schools, but I've seen some books and CD's and videotapes, and I'm sure you could line up a tutor if you ask around. But a bar mitzvah for a non-Jewish boy? Horsefeathers! It sounds like your ex is having some retroactive regrets about his agreement to have a Catholic child. Unless Adam freely chooses to convert from Catholicsim to Judaism, which would be another story altogether, your ex should have no case.

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The difference between bar mitzvah and catholic confirmation

Author: Michelle Robinson  Date:   04-26-04 19:37 Could somebody please explain to me the differences between bar mitzvah and catholic confirmation. I have searced for this topic but I can't seem to find it anywhere. If somebody could please send me an e-mail explaining this I would really appreciate it. Thanks

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Re: The difference between bar mitzvah and catholic confirmation

Author: Paul  Date:   04-28-04 05:00 I'm sure you will get different responses from the Jewish and Catholic sides of this question - can I attempt a distinction from somewhere in the middle? For me, the fundamental difference is that, as its name suggests, confirmation is a declaration of faith, a public confirmation that a child has absorbed and accepted the beliefs which its parents (and godparents) have inculcated for the preceding years. The child declares his or her belief in the fundamental principles of the Christian faith, and in doing so confirms that the godparents (and parents) have done their job, and that the "child" now accepts his or her own responsibility for maintaining that faith and the related observances. The Bar Mitzvah, however, is a coming of age which happens regardless of faith (although it is hard to imagine why the ceremony would take place in a synagogue if there was not at least some kind of underlying faith). The ceremony itself is the first synagogue service in which a child participates as an adult, and hence the "child" becomes an "adult" within the eyes of the religious community. This coming of age therefore provides an opportunity to celebrate the maturity and character of the young person.

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Re: A Private message to Abbe

Author: Karen  Date:   06-08-04 16:37 My daughter, who converted to Judiasm last year, keeps the Sabbath day holy. I am also Jewish, but the rest of our family is Christian. My daughter will not attend any special family events on the Sabbath, and is missing an important wedding dinner for her brother's future wife. She also has missed my fiance's mother's Bat Mitzvah because she would not ride in the car, and she insists her Christian family honor and abide by her rules and cater to her lifestyle.... yet, she is thinking about becoming a Rabbi and believes women have the same rights as men in the Jewish faith. Her rules are selective and benefit her own needs while neglecting the needs of her family and friends. She believes it is okay for a woman to become a Rabbi, yet will not get into a car to attend a family Bat Mitzvah.... what do you guys think of this? I think she is rigid, insecure about her Judaism, and I believe family obligations are more important than Sabbath rules. I also think she needs to be flexible considering the majority of her family members are not Jewish.

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Re:

Author: Paul  Date:   06-11-04 06:26 First, it is not just your daughter - everybody's rules are selective. Nobody follows every single Law, and several (the stoning of adultresses?) are morally indefensible, so it should be clear from the outset that everyone chooses which Laws to follow. That is particularly the case in a mixed marriage or a conversion. Second, your own personal belief, that some family obligations are more important than certain Sabbath rules, has no lesser or greater validity than your daughter's personal beliefs. Suppose she had "converted" to a different faith altogether? I put quotation marks around the word converted because, if you are Jewish yourself, this is clearly not a conversion from another faith. Suppose she had converted to some other religion which forbade any social activity on their holy day? I suspect you would accept that more readily - and that your issues arise from the fact that she is not interpreting Judaism, your own faith, in the same way as you do. If these were the Laws of Sufism, or Zoroastrianism, you would probably shrug your shoulders and accept it - OR you would resent (but begrudgingly accept) that she put that faith above your own concerns about family life. But because it is Judaism, your own faith, and she places a different interpretation upon it, you find that harder to accept. As an agnostic with Jewish children, I find it very difficult to accept that they may wish to follow some Laws, and not others. Why eat shellfish, but not pork? But everyone must follow their own God in their own ways - and reach their own balance when those come into conflict with their family.

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Re: bat mitzvah gifts?

Author: William  Date:   06-12-04 02:59 Folks You should all re-read your two year dialog. It is enough to make a person shudder. What are you trying to protect through your prejudice. Jewish tradition, ethnicity or religious practice? Do you hold the rest of humanity with such contempt and disdain that you feel your prejudicial views and practices are justified? If so, you only serve to perpetuate hatred and misunderstanding. Jewish tradition has been a binding experience throughout history. But to cherish and secure traditions through the exclusion of others - breeds two sided hatred, misunderstanding and prejudice. I landed on this site while searching for an appropriate gift for my 67 year old mother-in-law who had her bat mitzvah today & celebration tomorrow. What started as a joyous quest - has ended with very different feelings I am not certain what religious label you would place on me. I am raising two Jewish step daughters - who's Mother and Father are both non-practicing Jews. They practiced the tradition of Chanukah and Passover - but had no understanding of the historical or religious significance of these holidays. The children and my wife are now taught the historic and religious significance of these and other holidays, by me. I have taken it upon myself to educate both they and myself. Their Grandparents in their old age have found their faith and are for the first time in their lives are practicing Jews. Your discussion has made me feel unwanted and unappreciated by what appears to be a very naive group of ignorant self righteous people. If you truely believe that exclusion and perpetuating prejudice towards others is God's intent - then I pity you.

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Just wondering...

Author: Amanda  Date:   07-11-04 18:37 Hello, I am not Jewish but I was recently invited to a boy's Bar Mitzvah. I would greatly appreciate if someone could fill me in on Bar Mitzvah ettiquette, such as what kind of gift to bring, how to dress, or anything else I should know. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

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Re: Just wondering...

Author: Toni  Date:   09-02-04 22:21 I am in the same situation. Somebody please help! Would it be inappropriate not to attend the ceremony and just attend the celebration?

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Re:

Author: Rachel  Date:   10-07-04 11:45 I love your question. I had been immersed in planning for the Bar Mitzvah of my son and hadn't had time to think about its meaning. Then, when he stood on the bimah and read from the Torah, I felt incredibly moved, thinking that all the men in my side of the family have done that, for generations. I had similar feelings when my daughter had her Bat Mitzvah. But since women didn't have them in the past, and since I never had one, she wasn't linking to her female ancestors in that way, but to a sense of a Jewish tradition and continuity. Also very moving, but not quite the same.

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written message for a bat mitzvah

Author: Pam  Date:   10-08-04 16:29 I've been asked to write something to be read for the daughter of a very close friend who died a couple of years ago. He wasn't Jewish but was very supportive of both daughters being educated and raised in their Mother's faith. Would it be appropriate to mention her Father in my note? I want my note to be personal and congratulatory but not excessively long. Any suggestions?

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Re: gentile participation

Author: scott  Date:   10-17-04 20:56 <<Where the gentile parent (or gentile grandparent) is included in the symbolic passing down of the Torah on the Friday night prior to the ceremony on Shabbat, and the gentile parent can receive the honor of an aliyah (being called up to say the blessing over the Torah reading), for more distant non-Jewish relatives and friends the issue becomes different. Although there are honors like opening the ark that can be done by gentiles, it can happen that there are more non-Jewish friends and relatives who are important to the family than that there are suitable honors. A specially created prayer book that has extra English readings in the form of poems, quotes, stories or self-written compositions, creates the opportunity for non-Jews to be involved in the service, as they can be given the honor of a reading. We are sure there are many out there who will totally disagree with our approach. Yet, we see it as our task to serve the Jewish people and work for the survival of Judaism.>> I must say that I whole heartedly disagree with this approach to the issue of non-jewish parents/family participating in their son/daughter bar/bat mitzvah. It seems every 25-30 years, for the past century or so, the line in the sand has been pushed father and farther back. Yes, Jews today live in a society in which more Jews mary outside the faith than within the faith, and certainly many issues comne up as a result, one of which being how to include gentile parents/family in the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony. We seem to accept interfaith mnarriage and its consequnces as the result of living in the open society that is america. Many people once gasped at the thought of intermarriage, and it was deemed a shanda to be intermarriaed. Now its opnely done, for better or for worse. I think it is reasonable to prohibit a non-jew from engaging in distinctly jewish rituals, paryer, and the like. At the risk of sounding overly harsh, gentile has no real business reciting in a formal setting the blessing, which expresses out gratitude for god choosing us, the Jewish people, to be the ones to recive his Torah. How could this prayer possibly have any real meaning to a gentile? If a gentile can get up, in front of a Jewish audience, in a Jewish synagogue, and recite a blessing in which thanks god for giving the torah to the jewish people, then does the blessing really have any true meaning to beigin with? If a gentile parent wants to participate, then they should be able to, however, in a much more limited capacity. In my humble opinion, a gentile parent should be able to give a parents speech along with the other parent, and thats all. I feel this way because I beleive that to participate in a jewish ceremony, one must be Jewish. To me this is just common sense. I believe in taking common sense approaches to most things in life. We talk about the preservation of the Jewish people. Are we really doing that when we give out jewish religious rites to people who arent Jewish? I dont think so, and It isnt it hard to beleive that a reasonable gentile wouldnt be upset with Judaism taking such a position. If I was a Jew married a catholic, i would certnaily never expect to be given communion at mass, why,? because I'm not catholic. The denial of said sacrament is not anti-semitic, or antio-protstant, its simply pro-catholic. Likewise so should be viuewd the doling out of Jewish religious rites to gentile. Its pro-Judaism not to do so, not anti-genitle. **** Afterall, if we give Jewish religious rites to people who arent Jewish, perhaps we should be askjeing instead of what thoise rites would mean to non-jews, what do they really mean to us? *****They must not mean a whole lot to many people, if temples are now saying that you dont even have to be Jewish to recite them at the laregst jewish ceremony in someones life. I would be really interested what everuyonehas to say. scott

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Dress for Bat Mitzvah celebration

Author: Elizabeth  Date:   10-18-04 10:58 We are a Catholic family and my daughter was invited to a classmate's bat mitzvah. The celebration is a "black tie" affair. I can't remember the last black tie event that I've attended and certainly have no experience with children attending black tie affairs. Any advice on appropriate/acceptable "black tie" dress for a 12 year old girl would be greatly appreciated?

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Re: Dress for Bat Mitzvah celebration

Author: Ellen  Date:   10-18-04 22:53 Black tie means dressed up, as in party outfits, formal gowns, velvets or other fine fabrics, and shoes that are not laced-up or brown. If your daughter were seventeen, it would mean a prom dress or some such thing. Twelve-year-olds are a tough age group to shop for, and I know how tough that can be if you don't have a good "Tween" shop in your area. If you have a 12-yo daughter, especially if your Catholic family values are important to you, I'm sure you've given this some thought already. She may want something grownup looking, but I would stay away from the things that look too sexy or sophisticated, no strapless or low cut dresses with super short skirts. You could get something that looks like it belongs in a wedding party, but if you find a standard pretty dress she likes that you approve of, that should work, too.

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Re: gentile participation

Author: Paul  Date:   10-28-04 04:39 I wanted to reply to your posting, as a Gentile parent whose son's mixed-faith Bar mitzvah greatly benefited from discussions on this site earlier this year. Essentially, I agree with what you are saying. One point I must make, however, is that most Gentiles are unaware of the relative significance of the different aspects of the Jewish service. Is opening the Ark more or less significant than the blessing or the Torah reading? Is one prayer more significant than another? The average Gentile has no idea - and therefor has no preconceived notion of what role they might play, and whether that is more or less significant than any other role. Part of the issue here, therefore, is how their role is presented to them. You use the term yourself "participate in a much more limited way" - that approach is almost bound to cause offence! I was very proud myself to simply stand upon the Bimah with his mother and brother. I did not see that as "limited" - I saw it as an honour, which is how it was presented to me. I detect a hint, within your statement that "We seem to accept interfaith mnarriage and its consequnces as the result of living in the open society", that you question interfaith marriage, which is an issue beyond this discussion. Howevr, I would humbly suggest that my own Gentile participation in my son's Bar mitzvah made the event more significant for the othr non-Jews who attended the service. I achieved this by writing a guide to the service, from the starting point of my own ignorance, and advised by the Rabbi. No Jew, who is familiar with the service, can really understand which aspects are not understood by other religions; I asked questions, had them explained, and then produced a booklet guide to the service. I was told by the non-Jews attending (which included Moslems, Hindus and atheists as well) that the guide was enormously helpful - and I do believe that was a genuine benefit which a non-Jew could provide. I hope I have demonstrated that, first, it can all be a matter of presentation - and, second, that a non-Jewish participation can actually enhance the occasion for othr guests. Finally, thank you for raising the level of discussion on this site back above the trivia of how much money to give as a gift!

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Re: All the Gift Ideas

Author: Henry  Date:   10-29-04 11:01 I jumped onto the net to see if I could find good ideas for a bat mitzvah gift for the daughter of a close collegue. Thank you for such wonderful ideas! I must say that, despite some of the sniping over what is an appropriate gift which seemed rather silly, the postings were generally very helpful and were certainly amusing. Keep it up (the ideas, not so much the sniping)!

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Re: Dress for Bar Mitzvah celebration

Author: Patti  Date:   10-29-04 17:17 Thankyou thankyou for this site! We (not Jewish) are honoured to have been invited to a friend's son's Bar Mitzvah and I have been panicking about what to wear and how to give an appropriate gift. Now totally relaxed and really looking forward to it.

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Re: 0nly going to the party...

Author: Madeline  Date:   10-30-04 10:51 Today i am going to one of my very close friends bat mitzvah and last night i was talking to another one of my friends who was going. She said that she was only going to the party because she didnt want to go to the ceromony. I told her that she couldn't do this but she said it was fine. Is it ok, if you have no other event in during the ceremony to skip it and only go to the party? I would never do this and my parents of course wouldnt let me but i am clearing ths up for my friend because i want her to be present at the ceremony in which our friend has worked so hard at. Thank you

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Re: Madeline's question

Author: BobP  Date:   11-01-04 17:50 Personally, I don't think someone should just go to the party. It would be like being invited to a wedding, and skipping the actual wedding ceremony but going to the reception after. I hope your friend attended the ceremony.

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Re: gentile participation

Author: Amy  Date:   12-04-04 15:47 I am Jewish and my husband is not. My daughter's bat mitzvah is in a year and I am thinking of writing a letter (actually my husband wants to) to my husband's family explaining the significance of the event. I would love to see the guide that you made for your son's bar mitzvah.

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Re: bar mitzvah ceremony

Author: Pam  Date:   12-05-04 20:00 I was wondering if the children are carried down on a fancy chair or am I confusing this ceremony with a greek wedding. I've been to both and I can't remember which had the lifted chair as part of the ceremony when they entered the room -Thanks

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Re: bat mitzvah gifts?

Author: Marisa Roth  Date:   12-06-04 22:01 My best friend at work is jewish and she invited my family to her son's Bar Mitzvah. I am catholic (without any knowledge about jewish tradition, but a lot of respect for it) and my husband is jewish but he doesn't practice his religion. We attended the ceremony and the lunch after with my stepkids (their mother is catholic too and they have been baptized and now they are going to classes for their First Communion). I was very concerned at the beggining (probably just like you) about what to do and how to be part of such a big ceremony for my friend (and also because my husband wanted the kids to share a jewish ceremony with us) The ceremony was BEAUTIFUL and very touching, I couldn't understand part of it because it was in hebrew, but the part I did understand (when the kids read the Tora portion and tell everyone what they have learned from it , it's AMAZING. Now my only concern is, my husband says we need to send Ethan a card and include a check (with a certain amount) that is tradition to be for good luck for him. He is not sure if it's 17 or 18 dollars, so if anyone can help me with that I will appretiate it very much ! Thank you for your time and reading my thoughts.

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Re: bat mitzvah gifts?

Author: Ellen  Date:   12-07-04 10:53 I'm glad you enjoyed the bar mitzvah. We have invited some Catholic friends to a bat mitzvah next month, and I hope it's as nice for them as Ethan's was for you. About gifts, you do not need to send any particular amount. If you wish to send a gift of something, depending on your feelings for the child ($25, $100, $3.17, a bound set of the complete works of Lemony Snicket,etc.) it would be nice (well, maybe not the $3.17) but nobody should ever invite anyone to a bar mitzvah with the expectation of receiving gifts in return. In answer to your husband's question -- finally!-- there is a tradition of giving $18.00, because in ancient Hebrew numerology, the word for Life, "Chai," has the numerical value of 18. By the way, multiples of 18 are also considered "nice Jewish numbers," (36, 54, 72, 90, 180, 18,000, I think you get what I mean) just in case you ever get an invitation to a Jewish wedding or a solicitation to endow a Jewish university or something like that. In any case, you may certainly give a bar mitzvah more than $18 if you feel so inclined. If you want to give less than that, it is probably better that it not be in monetary form (a good book, CD or game, perhaps?) because it might look cheap.

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Re: bat mitzvah gifts?

Author: Bea  Date:   12-16-04 19:58 We live in Southern California. My son will be Bar Mitzvah'd in 18 months from now. He has started to get invitations to Bar/Bat Mitzvah's from children in middle school. He brought home one today that says 7:00 P.M. at the girl's home. I am not sure if there will be any sort of service/ceremony or not. There were no details on this invitation. He says he is not friends with her but, she invited him and he wants to attend. The $18 and $36 I have read about sound way too stingy for Southern California. Any more realistic ideas or amounts? Also, my son's Bar Mitzvah ceremony will be at 10:00 A.M. and I am having problems deciding if I want a night dinner party or a day luncheon following the Temple service? The problems with having it at night appear to be #1 The kids he invites...will have to have their parents drop them up and pick them up from the Temple in the A.M and at night be dropped off and picked up from wherever we hold the party, next thought...is that people will have to change and possibly drive back to the valley again at night (we live in the San Fernando Valley) . Regardless of having a kiddush lunch or not - our Temple requires the Bar/Bat Mitzvah family to fund the whole Temple's kiddush and I am not sure what that consists of. I also don't know if it is necessary to have any sit down kiddush for the people I am inviting if I am having a party that afternoon or evening. Very familiar with candle lighting in Southern California - it is done at most of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah's but, I was considering not doing it. I am divorced from my son's Father and I am re-married, we don't write well - so it would be very difficult or costly (hire a person) to write poems or clever statements. Is it OK to not have this? Thanks~~~~

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Re: Welcome to our discussions!

Author: N N  Date:   12-17-04 00:08 Hi, I am interested to know whether anyone has a book or a resource containing a Bat mitzvah ceremony in English (or perhaps partly in transliteration) that could be used as the basis for the creation of a non-traditional bat mitzvah to be held outside of a synagogue. NN

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Re: bat mitzvah gifts?

Author: Rosie  Date:   12-21-04 14:46 Bea, First of all, about the girl with the 7:00 p.m. event. Orthodox synagogues don't allow girls to do the same rituals as boys, so they may just be having a party at home to celebrate her coming of age without any religious ceremony at all. I would ask the hostess for more information, because it might make a difference in terms of what your son wears, what he can bring, etc. I think if your son is invited to a lot of classmates' bar/bat mitzvahs, you should not have to pay as much for their gifts as if you were a friend or family member. Depending on how many Jewish children he knows, you could end up spending thousands of dollars on people you yourself don't know at all. About when to hold the party, think about why you're having this party. In other words, what kind of party do you want, whom do you want to invite, and what kind of party would they enjoy? Are you trying to impress prospective business clients or just give the kids a chance to enjoy themselves? The parents' business associates may want a formal dinner and dancing kind of thing, but they probably prefer a very different kind of music than your son's friends want. If you have it in the evening, then you can hire musicians and such entertainment. Whether you play Sinatra or Eminem will depend on whether the guests are mostly your parents' age or your son's age. I think fewer people go for multigenerational parties than the entertainment agencies will usually admit. Perhaps everyone you know loves the Grateful Dead or Elvis Presley, but you're one of the lucky few if they do. I know that my parents would rather listen to chamber music than a DJ, so I'm having a lunch at the synagogue on Saturday after the service, and neither the old folks nor the young folks will have to gross out the other folks with the wrong kind of music. Do you attend Saturday morning services regularly, or do you just belong to the congregation so you'll have a place to do the bar mitzvah? The reason I ask is that the regular attendees may receive this whole thing better if they've ever seen you before. Furthermore, if you provide the standard simple Saturday kiddush for the regular attendees and then throw a grand luncheon bash at the synagogue for the special invited guests, some people will be miffed. It's probably better if you're going to try to have an exclusive private party to have it somewhere else, like a restaurant or hotel or outside hall. Some parents don't want to spend their Saturdays driving back and forth and back and forth across a big city. Consider inviting them to stay for services and kiddush. That may sound pricey, but if you think $36 for some kid who just happens to be in your kid's class is "way too stingy" then you probably have more money than I have, so maybe you can pull it off. I am doing a bat mitzvah in a couple of weeks, and we are having a nicer than usual kiddush lunch for everybody who comes to the synagogue and a small casual party just for the children later. Where I live, which is not in LA, that is fairly standard practice.

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