Divorce And Step Families - Page 1 - InterfaithFamily.com

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Please post your comments here!

Author: InterfaithFamily.com Editor (---.reonbroadband.com)
Date: 05-10-01 17:39

Please post your comments to our articles on divorce and step families here.

Divorced, Remarried, and Discovered Judaism
By Paula Hellman
Divorced, Traditional Mother of Two with a Non-Jewish Boyfriend
By Jennifer Paquette
When My Jewish Father Became Involved with a Born-Again Christian
By Tracy Boriskin
Celebrating Holidays in an Interfaith Step-Family
By Jeffrey Greenhut
When an Intermarriage Doesn't Work Out
By Sanford Seltzer

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children of intermarriage and divorce

Author: Tamara (---.ne.mediaone.net)
Date: 05-13-01 01:03

When my intermarriage didn't work out, I, too, got divorced and am now involved with a Jewish man. My children, although brought up as Jews, are very close with their non-Jewish grandparents. Although they say they are Jewish if asked, I kind of wonder what will happen in the long run. Their father supports their Jewish identity, but I know they would never want to do anything to make him feel rejected. I wonder how much that influences their Jewish identity. How far will they go with it, or does the knowledge that their father is not Jewish limit their identification as Jews.

Does anyone else have similar concerns? I know my children prefer to avoid this topic. Has anyone else discussed it with their children?

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Children of Intermarriage/Divorce

Author: Jennifer M. Paquette (206.246.53.---)
Date: 05-14-01 10:03

Hi, Tamara!

I can definitely relate to the situation you're in. I hope you'll be reassured to hear that, while there are probably some practical limitations, there is nothing barring you from giving them a 100%-Jewish identity.

Your ex-husband has the right to teach them about his religious beliefs if he chooses to, but that probably won't influence them as much as the practical effect of living Judaism 24/7 in your home with your new husband.

Unless you and your ex start a tug-of-war over their religious identity (which I've seen happen -- believe me, it ain't pretty), they're going to feel pretty secure in their Judaism. Since you're Jewish, every movement will accept them as Jews and hopefully treat them with compassion and help them to fit in completely.

Your choice to marry a Jew the second time around will also send the clear message that, for you, Jewish family life is a priority. I'm not saying intermarriage doesn't work, but choosing an all-Jewish family is a worthwhile value, and you've apparently put your money where your mouth is in that department.

If you want to share more about your situation, feel free to write me directly (and while you're here, read my article -- "Divorced, Traditional Mother of Two with a Non-Jewish Boyfriend" -- and let me know what you thought!).

J

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Author: Tamara (---.ne.mediaone.net)
Date: 05-14-01 15:17

Dear Jennifer,
Thanks for responding. I read and liked your article, but my situation is different because my former husband was not Jewish and I am concerned that my children's sense of their own religious identity may not be as strong as I would like. I think there is only so much that I can do about that, and that is rest is something that they have to resolve for themselves, and I believe that it will be influenced by whomever they fall in love with and choose to marry.

Tamara

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encouragement for Tamara

Author: Bryce (208.5.125.---)
Date: 05-14-01 17:36

I hope this quotation, by author Shraga Silverstein, gives encouragement to Tamara in raising her children Jewishly.

"We live through our children, forgetting that what, to a great extent, we seek for
them, we could just as well have sought for ourselves."

While it is true that your children's "religious identity...will be influenced by
whomever they fall in love with and choose to marry", their choice of who they will love and marry should be even more influenced by the identity infused in them by
their parents.

Sometimes, all it takes is the acceptance of one little mitzvah, such as Kiddush on Friday night, a meal in a sukkah, or an avoidance of one or two non-kosher
foods, that can have a really positive Jewish affect on our children.

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For Tamara

Author: Susan (---.milwaukee.k12.wi.us)
Date: 05-15-01 18:36

I think the most important factor in children's religious identity is what kind of religious practices they are familiar and happy with. If Judaism is two day a year proposition for them, it may not have much of an impact, but if you raise them with a joyous and richly Jewish lifestyle, they should develop a positive attachment to it, regardless of their extended family. My father was a Christian, and geographically and emotionally I was probably closer to his family growing up than to my mother's. Incidentally, he had a lot of Republicans in his family, and his father lived in Texas. I just mention all this to make the point that I was no more influenced by him to covert to Christianity than to vote for Nixon or move to San Antonio.

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Author: Tamara (---.ne.mediaone.net)
Date: 05-17-01 10:32

I kind of disagree with Susan. I think it is important what you do in your home, the religion you choose for your children and how you educate them, but I think there is always a recognition, if one parent is a different religion, that that religion is also somewhat a part of them, even if only a very small part.

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Author: Susan (---.milwaukee.k12.wi.us)
Date: 05-17-01 20:43

Tamara, you wrote: <I> Their
father supports their Jewish identity, but I know they would never want to do anything to make him
feel rejected. I wonder how much that influences their Jewish identity. How far will they go with it, or
does the knowledge that their father is not Jewish limit their identification as Jews. </i>

If your ex tried to influence their religious identification in a way that conflicts with what you tried to do, then I would agree you had a problem. I don't know exactly what his position is or what the dynamics are between you. As for myself, my father was not that big on religion and he kept a hands-off attitude when I was growing up, and he really had no impact on my religious identification at all. There's no reason why your children should feel obligated to do anything Christian just for her father or grandparents.

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Author: Tamara (---.ne.mediaone.net)
Date: 05-18-01 10:23

They don't feel obligated to do anything Christian for that side of their family, and their father does support their identity as Jews. But, my daughter has said to me that she wouldn't want to be "too Jewish" cause that would make her feel more different from the Christian members of her family whom she so loves.

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How Jewish is "too Jewish"?

Author: Susan (---.milwaukee.k12.wi.us)
Date: 05-20-01 09:37

Tamara:

Personally, I have trouble understanding how anyone can be "too Jewish." SureIy your ex-in-laws aren't trying to dictate to how "Jewish" the children have a right to be, are they?

I don't know how old your children are or what you have tried to do to give them a Jewish identity or what kind of relationship they have with this new man in your life. Those could all be variables. For example, if you have teenagers with a very tenuous Jewish connection and they don't much like this man who is trying to impose a strict unfamiliar lifestyle on them against their will, I can see how you would have cause for concern, or if they refuse to eat at their grandparents' house because the dishes aren't kosher. Nevertheless, I still don't think you need to be overly worried, not if you're doing a good job of imparting the joys of Jewish family life. If you want to learn more about how to do this, the best thing is to hook up with another Jewish family in the neighborhood and spend as much time as you can together, especially on Shabbat. There are also some excellent books. Good luck.

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Tracy Boriskin's article

Author: Kellye (207.110.13.---)
Date: 05-21-01 16:17

As a Protestant dating a Reform Jew, I found this website very interesting. I read a few of the aticles, but took exception to the one in which Tracy Boriskin recounts her father's marriage ot a born-again Christian.

The statement, "Having studied cult religions in college, I feared any extremist religion that depended exclusively on the guidance of God and/or Jesus" was extremely offensive to me, and displayed a level of ignorance that I found surprising in an educated woman.

What really takes me by surprise as a Christian is when people claim to have a religion that is not God-based. In our Old Testament, which recounts the history of the children of Israel several hundred years before Christ, the presence of God is constant, and his relationship with the Jewish people is very involved. I was always taught that Jews loved God just as much as Christians did, and it's the same God we worship.The only difference, I was told, was that we had found our Messiah, while Jews believed theirs was yet to come.

When my boyfriend explained to me that God is "optional" in American Judaism, I was honestly taken aback. It seemed to me to be more a culture than a faith suddenly, and I had trouble understanding the substition of ethics and logic for faith and an understood truth. After all, why even refer to a God if you don't believe in one?

Slowly but surely I have begun to understand and appreciate where by boyfriend is coming from, and how it must make him feel to hear me talk about the supernatural, spiritual side of my beliefs.

What I wanted to say to Ms. Boriskin is that "cults" have very specific structures, and not everything faith-based can be defined as such. Remember that, once upon a time, your Jewish ancestors believed in a God that appeared in burning bushes and parted the Red Sea. Does that make Judaism cultish, too? Please realize that the word "cult" has a very ugly connotation in American culture, and save your mistrust for those who really deserve it.

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To Kellye

Author: Susan (---.milwaukee.k12.wi.us)
Date: 05-21-01 18:12

I didn't read Tracy Boriskin's words as critical of belief in God, but of the kind of obsessive faith some fundamentalists have that focuses exclusively on the supernatural at the expense of everything else.

God certainly is very important in Judaism, but Judaism is not very important to some Jews. In Orthodox circles, you'll tend to find a higher proportion of people who depend on divine guidance than in Reform circles, and I would expect that there are more Reform people intermarrying and frequenting this website than Orthodox people.
It is certainly possible to be a Jew andeven to live a Jewish life, following the Jewish religion, without believing in God.

I've heard that Jews believe in something of a trinity: God, Torah, and Israel (the people). Of course, living by the Torah can also be seen as following God's will.

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Author: Joe (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: 05-26-01 20:46

I believe that it would be more accurate to say that it is very possible to live a reform Jewish life without G-d. In fact believing in G-d can be a hinderance in living a reform Jewish life. There are indeed reform rabbis who identify themselves as atheists.

It is impossible to live an Orthodox Jewish life without G-d.

The idea of a Jewish 'trinity' is not exact since G-d is overwhelmingly the most important of the three

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Editing of Richard's posting

Author: Ed Case (---.ne.mediaone.net)
Date: 11-25-01 19:43

This is a posting by Richard -- rick_in_md@yahoo.com -- with one line deleted in which he called the writer a name that isn't acceptable.

Author: Richard
Date: 11-20-2001 18:42

I sat reading this story absolutely incredulous at what I was hearing. HAS THIS WOMAN NO SHAME??? "Thought she'd be happy with him as he was... but needed more?" Decided he had to convert... ABANDONING HIS OWN CULTURE AND BELIEFS as though they were absolutely nothing??? Then sit back and nit-picks about the pace of his "progress" in adopting her views and lifestyle???

I don't care what religion this woman belongs to or what its subjective "laws" may be. Any healthy relationship is built on give and take and compromise. WHAT IS SHE SACRIFICING FOR HIM?????

Intolerance, and bigotry (yes BIGOTRY) is what it is, and is as ugly, ungodly and immoral whether it is conducted in the name of "religion" or "God" or whether it is conducted in the name of secular selfishness and arrogance.

I have a challenge for this women, she is asking her fiance to surrender his identity, culture, religion, beliefs, and personal faith, to be counted "worthy" to be in her life, whe needs to try CONSCIOUENTIOUSLY AND NONSELFISHLY AS HIM sacrificing a few things as well to accomodate HIS LIFE: His home for hers. His family's house for holidays over hers. His career for hers. His desires about procreation over hers.

I am not suggesting that these sacrifices would normally be desirable, but even those would ONLY BE FAIR on her part. This is truly the most outrageous, bigoted, insular, arrogant thing I have ever read.

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Author: Bryce (---.mpowercom.net)
Date: 11-26-01 13:59

I'm just being coy, here, Susan.:
Susan: "In Orthodox circles, you'll tend to find a higher proportion of people who depend on divine guidance than in Reform circles..."

Well, we all depend on divine guidance equally. It's just that some people realize it more than others. I, personally, don't realize it enough.

Now Susan, in referring to the Jewish "trinity," is probably referring to the words of the Zohar, the chief book of Kabbalah, which says "God, the Torah, and Israel are one." While I can't claim to know what this beautiful statement means, perhaps it means that they are each indispensable, like the legs of a 3-legged stool.

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Author: Bryce (---.mpowercom.net)
Date: 11-28-01 10:42

Kellye, in # 11 wrote (along with her very nice insights): "I was always taught that Jews (and) Christians ... it's the same God we worship. The only difference, I was told, was that we had found our Messiah, while Jews believed theirs was yet to come. "

In some sense, we do worship the same God, and in another sense, we don't. A large percentage of Christians believe that they should pray TO that Messiah. Jews do not hold this way.

Kellye also wrote: "When my boyfriend explained to me that God is "optional" in American Judaism, I was honestly taken aback."

In some sense, her boyfriend is accurate, but it would be equivalently accurate to say that morals is optional in American Judaism.

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What's optional in modern Judaism

Author: Susan (---.as20.nwbl0.wi.voyager.net)
Date: 11-28-01 11:42

Bryce and Kellye:

Bryce makes some good points about the difference between Judaism and Christianity. The main difference is not in what Jews and Christians believe but in how they practice or what that belief requires of them in day-to-day life. There is a difference between who Jews think God is and who Christians think God is. I think most Christians believe this Messiah individual is supposed to be God or part of God (I never understood the arithmetic of the Christian concept of God) and by definition, NO believing Jew believes it. To believe such a thing would be to believe Christianity, not Judaism.

Most Jews I know would say that belief in the Messiah is optional. Is God optional in Judaism? As much as the Catholic Church's prohibition on birth control is optional. The personal opinions and choices of some individuals are one thing, but the teachings of the religion are another. It is true that the Jews who migrated to the U.S. have historically been less religious on average than the Jews who remainded behind in The Old Country , and in all those opinion surveys, religion always shows itself to be less important in the lives of average American Jews than it is in the lives of average American Christians. I don't think on any level that Bryce was correct to say "morals is optional in American Judaism."

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Cults, while I'm at it

Author: Susan (---.as20.nwbl0.wi.voyager.net)
Date: 11-28-01 12:06

Kellye:

I had a law professor at the University of California who, on the first day of class, referred to the Catholic church as a "cult." One student instantly became angry and started to argue with him that she was a Catholic and she resented the use of that word in reference to her church, which was nearly 2,000 years old, respected world wide, etc., and how dare he take such a nasty anti-Catholic attitude, etc., etc. Professor Duffy explained that he knew about the Catholic church, being not only a member of it himself, but an ordained Jesuit priest, and he further explained that he was using the word "cult" according to its legal, and utterly neutral, definition.

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