Grandparenting - Page 1 - InterfaithFamily.com

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Welcome to our discussions!

Author: InterfaithFamily.com Editors
Date: 03-27-02 13:39

We're pleased to tell you that we've changed our online discussions--and we invite you to join them! When you submit a message, it will be reviewed by our moderators before it is posted. While we will accept messages that are realistic about the challenges posed by interfaith relationships, we won't allow people to vent their opposition to intermarriage, as has happened in the past. Our goal is to make our discussions a welcoming and safe place for people dealing with interfaith relationships to turn for helpful information and support. So please--join our discussions!

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Please discuss this question

Author: Ronnie Friedland, editor
Date: 03-28-02 11:57

Should grandparents try to actively teach their grandchildren their religion, or should they ask the grandchildren's parents for guidance?

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Re: Please discuss this question

Author: barbara
Date: 04-06-02 08:43

If the parents have a completely different attitude towards religion, the
grandparents should talk to them.
However, the best way for any child to learn anything is through example.
So any small child who spends some time with loving grandparents and
sees these grandparents enjoy a religious life will form the connection
- grandma - grandpa - love - religion -.
They may grow up to practise the same religion or a different one,but
they will grow up to respect other people's religion. And looking at the
way the world is in that's a very good thing to learn, I think.

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Re: Please discuss this question

Author: Jennifer
Date: 04-11-02 13:18

I agree with Barbara on her point about leading by example. Grandparents are a living link to family history and can show how love is taught in different ways. However, if the parents have specificially requested not to discuss or teach their kids about religion, the grandparent should respect the parents' wishes.

I have friends who have both left the Catholic Church for personal reasons and decided to involve their family in the Universalist movement. The couple made their intentions clear to both sets of grandparents. Both sets of grandparents were shocked and outraged at their grandkids' non-Catholic upbringing. After years of protest from the parents, the grandparents still send their g-kids Catholic-themed gifts and insist on taking the g-kids to services when they visit. This has caused a lot of family conflict.

As hard as it is for anyone to beleive, people make decisions that work for their own family. Grandparents, whether they agree or not, should respect that. - Jennifer

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Re: My Granddaughter's Baptism (article)

Author: Lydia
Date: 04-23-02 14:26

Wow; such honesty! I am glad the author was so vivid in describing her pain and anguish at watching her first granddaughter be baptized.

Sometimes I wonder if my mother (Catholic) felt the same way at my son's bris. She is always silent when the issue of religion comes up. It is simply something we don't discuss. She supports our decision to raise our son as a Jew, but does not rejoice in it. She simply accepts it.

I know that for her, watching her grandson not be baptized was difficult. She is a devout Catholic, and worked hard to pass her faith onto me. Yet here I am, making a major break with family tradition.

I admire women like my mother, and the author of this article, who grin and bear it, knowing that ultimately the choice is their children's and not theirs. They come to the events, they go through the grief, and yet they support their children and grandchildren. I don't think you can ask for much more.

I wish my mother could learn more about Judaism and what I love about it and why I am so comfortable raising my son as a Jew. I am still a practicing Catholic. I wish I could show her all the good things about Judaism, that it is deeply spiritual as her own religion. That events such as a bris are not about giving gifts, but rather about welcoming a new life into the community, and passing on traditions, and making new commitments.

I also hope the author of this article is able to learn more about Catholicism, and that baptism is not just about ridding a baby of original sin, but like a bris, it is their welcome into God's world. It makes them part of the Catholic Church, something special they can hold onto forever...just as having a Jewish mother and a bris would make them Jewish. Maybe in time the author will learn to see beauty in her granddaughter's religion.

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Choosing Christianity over Judiasm

Author: Marlene
Date: 04-27-04 20:18

I am a Jewish Grandmother with a daughter and son, both married to Christian partners. They each have two children, being raised Christian.
Both my children were brought up Jewish with all the Jewish traditions and both Bar and Bat Mitzvah's. I learned today that my daughter is seeking out the Christian Church with her family. She wants me to try and understand the comfort she has gained at the Church. I love my daughter and grandchildren, but I feel like I need help in how to relate to her and this situation. Please, let me know if anyone else is experiencing this and how to handle it. Thank you

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Re:

Author: mpfreed
Date: 05-02-04 06:35

As a Jewish grandfather myself I feel for you. I cannot offer you much hope – but blood is thicker than water and you will, and should, always love your children and grandchildren – whatever their religion. That will not lessen the pain for you, but to be fair there are similar situations where Christian grandparents have to watch their children and grandchildren being bought up Jewish or in another religion. The trouble is that Jews are in a minority (in the US less than 2%, in a mostly Christian country) so the problem is proportionately so much more acute for Jews. Not surprisingly it has severe demographic effects. You write that your children had bar/ batmitzvah, but did you provide them with any Jewish education after that? With most Jews living and working in an overwhelmingly Christian environment, it cannot be surprising that they should choose Christian marriage partners, sometimes (though much ess often) even if they are totally conversant with their Jewish religious heritage.

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christian grandchildren

Author: Sydelle
Date: 07-02-04 01:26

This is such a heart-wrenching subject. I am a widow and the mother of two sons--both intermarried. My husband and I raised our sons in a conservative shul and sent them both to Jewish camps, to Israel and we always celebrated Shabbos. My oldest son married a Catholic woman who insisted that he change his very Jewish last name to something less ethnic. He complied. His wedding was in the Catholic church and I believe that he has converted. My three grandchildren from that marriage are actively Catholic. I say nothing, but I am heartbroken. I used to send Hanukkah presents but my daughter-in-law put a stop to that. Passover seders don't include them. She doesn't want her children (ages 5, 9, and 11) to be confused. I have spoken to my son about this a little bit but he says that's life...get over it. My other son married a lovely woman who is a devout Baptist. She insisted that my granddaughter be raised Christian. My son obliged and I said nothing. However, she is more open-minded about my granddaughter (aged 14) receiving Hanukkah presents and she has attended a few seders but none recently. I feel utterly alone on Jewish holidays. BOth of my sons live within 30 minutes of my house. My seder this year was just me and my disabled sister. I don't want to say that my sons were selfish for marrying outside of the Jewish faith, but I am baffled at their rejection of what is important to me....I have good relations with both of them and with their children, but it makes me sad when my 11 year old grandson is surprised that I am not Catholic or that my granddaugther who is 14 thinks that her Poppy (my late husband) is in Hell. Oy vey!

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Re: Jewish Grandparenting

Author: Deinya
Date: 07-02-04 07:40

I am a Jewish grandparent to my husband's grandchildren, two of who we see almost every week. While my husband, to his credit, is supportive of our Jewish home, he maintains his Christian observance and sencourages his daughter and her children to attend Church. The boys were baptised last week. I know there was disappointment when I did not attend, but I do not attend any Christian events as I feel it would indicate my support of that belief system. The kids understand the workings of keeping kosher, they are aware of hamotzi and lighting candles on Friday, and help us celebrate Chaunuka to some degree. Christmas is sometimes here, sometimes at their house. While Chrisitmas is a difficult time for me, having been rasied in a Methodist home (my mother was rasied Methodist although her mother was a non-observant Jew) and having returned to Judaism in adulthood, I try to view it all as a secular event. I believe having a Jewish step-grandmother brings a different aspect to their lives, particuarly when they elected to call me Bubbe from their reading book at school. While I do no share their view, at least my step-daughter and her children have a relgious base in their lives and that counts for a great deal.

By the way-we solved the potential cemetary problem when we purchased a gravesite for me at the outer edge of the Jewish cemetary and also purchased one gravesite next to me which is outside the boundry. I'm "in", he's "out". Problem solved.

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Re:

Author: Michele Missner
Date: 07-16-04 23:17

I would like to respond to Cheryl Coon's review of James Howe's "Saying Kaddish from Grandpa: in the name of Jesus, Amen." When I saw the title of this book in a book review in the _Chicago Tribune_, I did not know completely what to expect. I found the book moving, and perfect for intermarried couples raising their children Jewish. However, Emily's father, in the book, is not a Christian. He converted to Judaism. As I understood it, the father is observing shiva in his own home and the Rabbi and minyan take place in the home for the father to mourn his father in his new religion.

As parents of what will be two intermarried children, I am finding this newsletter very supporting. Our son is married to a lovely Indonesian woman who is Muslim but wants to raise her children Jewish. They live close to us and come to our home for Shabbat dinner often and celebrate holidays with us. Our daughter is engaged to a man from a Catholic family. He has agreed to a Jewish home and to raising any children Jewish. They live in Philadelphia, close to his family. I hope that they will find other Jewish families in the area to support them. Like the many other Jewish parents who contribute to this newsletter, this is not what I had hoped for, but it is what is.

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Re:Jewish Grandmother with Christian Grandchildren

Author: Marlene
Date: 07-18-04 20:48

I am new to the web site, so it took time to get back to you. Regarding being a Jewish Grandmother and my grandchildren are being raised Christian. It has been a very difficult journey, as my daughter has now started to attend Church. She is more comfortable there she says. I have talked with alot of people to help me get through this time. Every day is a challenge and I appreciate all thoughts and suggestions.

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Re: How do you mix 2 religions?

Author: Barbara
Date: 07-19-04 20:45

Our son married a wonderful woman. If I had to hand pick someone it would be someone like her. She is not jewish and is not religious. Neither is our son religious. Theu had a lovely wedding and were married by a rabbi and a priest. The rituals performed were more jewish than not and her parents, who are the lovliest people, were totallyinvolved and interestede it everything.

Now they are expecting their first child and want to give it the benefit of knowing the rituals of both families religions. The problem is that if the baby is a boy, no one will perform a bris unless they promise to raise the child jewish. They feel that they don't want the child's life to start out on a half truth...what do they do?

If anyone has advice or telephone numbers of an officient who is verrrrry reform, please help.

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Re: Welcome to our discussions!

Author: mark grosman
Date: 07-21-04 06:26

I have daughter.She have received jevish literature from me. Too she come home to me on the passover seder.Her mother against annex daughter to sinagoga since myself be pravoslavnoyou. My papa grandfather my daughter have attended sometimes sinagoga. I study in institute teach of judaism and Open university of Israil. Goodbye.Write on mail "mgrosman@narod.ru".

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Re: interfaith families & Grandparenting

Author: Jeffrey Frimet
Date: 07-23-04 04:57

My family gathered this week where most of us now live, in Las Vegas, NV. We are transplants from Chicago, except some in-laws from MI. or CA. We came together to celebrate my moms' 75th birthday.
My wife had some Jewish-related sites up that connected to the InterfaithFamily forums. This is my second marraige, and as it turned out, both marraiges were to mixed, Christian women of Black-Indian-White descent, though both are from very different family backgrounds.
My current wife is largely Native and African-American. I'm from a 2nd. generation of Americans with Polish/Russian/Hungarian background, and of the Jewish faith. My brother, Mom, and I retain our Jewish faith, more in beliefs and traditions we were raised in then by any religious showing. My 2 sisters and their children are now following "Messianic Judiasm," or really are Christian believers. Some of them have lived abroad, including in Israel recently on a kibbutz.
My 3 grandchildren are from the above-mentioned backgrounds, as well as also having Spanish/Central Native-American blood, and are being brought up now as (divorced family) Christians. However, having studied History, Geography, and various Health and Social Sciences, as well as various religions, my wife and I plan to teach our grandkids about all the various ethnic groups and the the 2 religions that they came from. I firmly believe that the family values I was brought up with were better, not because I was an American, but because I was a Jew. I was raised with strong ethics and a good morality, and have chosen to follow these. I don't believe Intermarraige is for everyone; but if you meet someone of a different color and/or faith, and find yourself in a loving, supportive relationship, you actually have an obligation to yourself, the other person, and the Good Lord, to pusue the relationship.
I will train my grandkids as I trained my children; to know their heritage(s) and to follow their hearts and dreams, incl. in their most intimate relationships. My family believes mostly the same, and that is why we've always gotten along and been close; my mom went along in our lifestyle decisions and was always supportive and loving to all family members, and that's why she is still, like a "good Jewish mother," the center of our (family) universe.

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Re: christian grandchildren

Author: Amy
Date: 07-30-04 09:12

Sydelle:

OYE VEY!!! My stomach is in knots after reading your post! I do not even have Grandchildren yet! My daughter is not married either. However, she has been dating her Baptist boyfriend for almost 3 years! Many religious discussions have bean discussed and there is always cause for concern on my part. My daughter's boyfriend is a fairly religious as is his family. My daughter has grownup with weekly Shabbat dinners and all the Holidays. There is doubt that she is strongly connected to her religion and also the traditions, however is not really too religious (going to services, etc.). I fear for their future and my future Grandchildren.
My daughter's boyfriend has been raised in his religion, that if you do not believe in Jesus Christ you are "going to Hell"! This truly scares me, since he will certainly fear for his future kids! They are both very in love with each other now and it is hard to be sitting on the sidelines.
Most recently, he was under the thought that his future kids would not share with him any of his religion and holidays etc..and was truly thinking he could never be happy like that. My daughter truly feels like their is nothing wrong with compromising a bit. Like he said a smaller "bris" rather a larger "bris"? Could future kids go to church with him sometimes. My daughter does not feel like that is an unreasonable request. So, with these "compromises, he is very happily in love once again. I just feel like this might be a Band-Aid on a "boo boo" I happen to like this boy very much but I know he thinks his family must be disappointed with his decision(probably considered to be sinning in their eyes) to be so involved with a "non Christian" His folks have grown to like us and are not feared by us (I believe his parents have never socialized with Jewish people) They never even allowed their children to even go to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah! (OYE VEY) However his parents did attend my son's this year!( I think they liked it from a far)
I am curious Sydelle, when did your Grand daughter tell you that "Poppy was in Hell?" I just had that discussion with my daughter's boyfriend. I was asking him what type of things he learned in Sunday School. He made it sound like it was all about bible stories and understand the works of Jesus Christ. (however, he too believes as your grand daughter) I told him about a sad story that I witnessed the other day. I am a photographer, and I have a lot of books in my waiting room. One book is a Jewish Holiday picture book( I use it as a prop) A young Christian girl about four years old was enjoying looking at the pictures.Her big brother about six years old was VERY alarmed and said "PUT THAT BOOK DOWN!! I AM TELLING MOM!! THAT IS A JEWISH BOOK" He obviously was fearing for his sister. What a sad thing to have witnessed. My co-worker who is not Jewish, took the book away and looked up at me and said "I am sorry" to me, for witnessing that. That is why I fear for my future Grandchildren and my daughter's happiness! If anyone can write and tell me more about a Baptist upbringing,(Protastant) I would appreciate it. (although we are from the South, I do not think he is as strict as some Southern Baptists)
Amy

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Re: Welcome to our discussions!

Author: mary bullen
Date: 08-11-04 19:03

Thank you for this site. I appreciate the new direction it is taking, it is not condemning any faith, as inter=faith marriages, is a reality. I wish your site had been available 15 years ago. We are a christian (catholic-protestant) grandparents, whose daughter married a Jewish man, they now have two boys(being raised Jewish) and our daughter has converted, to Judiasm, as well. We have so much pain over the whole thing, however, our grandson was just bar mitzved, and we did attend, it was not easy..I guess the conclusion is, that we have our grandcildren, with our daughter and son-in-law for xmas..what worries me, is that after we are gone, my son-in-law will not allow xmas in his home, and our daughter's memories of our family times at xmas, will not be celebrated...mary

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Re: Mary Bullen's post

Author: BobP
Date: 08-18-04 20:23

Mary

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but from reading your post it appears to me that you have not accepted your daughter's conversion <<We have so much pain over the whole thing...>>. You seem upset that <<...my son-in-law will not allow xmas in his home...>>. Mary, with your daughter's conversion, it's a Jewish home. While certainly the family should acknowledge YOUR holiday, it would not make sense for that to be in their home, any more than your family would celebrate a Jewish holiday in your home.

You also stated <<...our daughter's memories of our family times at xmas, will not be celebrated...>>. I'm not sure what that means. I'm sure your daughter has wonderful memories of Christmas. And there's no reason she can't share those with her family. I don't get what you mean by the memory won't be celebrated. One may have happy memories - but they aren't celebrated. If you mean because they are Jewish they don't celebrate Christmas, that's true.

I hope you can get beyond the pain and simply wish the best for your daughter and grandsons.

Bob

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Re: Welcome to our discussions!

Author: Ellen
Date: 08-19-04 22:25

Mary,

Your daughter's Christmas memories are her own, and they can never be your grandchildren's. Even if these kids were to celebrate Christmas, they still wouldn't ever be able to remember what your daughter remembers, not any more than they could remember what you or your parents remember. I will never know what my mother remembers of growing up in Europe before WWII or what my father remembers of hearing FDR announce the attack on Pearl Harbor, and my children will never remember Neil Armstrong's walk on the Moon or the Watergate scandal.

l suggest that you let go of wanting your grandchildren to have what you had. They know Christianity exists, and they know what kind of person you are. Perhaps someday they might choose to follow your example and attend church, but it has to be their own decision. Let it be because they admire you and want to be the kind of person you are, not because you coerced them or complained about their Jewishness. In the meantime, try to love and respect them for who they are. They are not rejecting or passing judgment on you; they are just growing up in a tradition that produces plenty of children who make their grandparents very proud.

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