Growing Up In Interfaith Families - Page 1

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Welcome to our discussions!

Author: InterfaithFamily.com Editors  Date:   03-27-02 13:34 We're pleased to tell you that we've changed our online discussions--and we invite you to join them! When you submit a message, it will be reviewed by our moderators before it is posted. While we will accept messages that are realistic about the challenges posed by interfaith relationships, we won't allow people to vent their opposition to intermarriage, as has happened in the past. Our goal is to make our discussions a welcoming and safe place for people dealing with interfaith relationships to turn for helpful information and support. So please--join our discussions!

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Please join this discussion

Author: Ronnie Friedland, editor  Date:   03-28-02 14:39 True or false: There was a lot of tension in our family about religion while I was growing up.

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Re:

Author: rochelhava  Date:   09-17-02 20:29 No. There was not tension for me. I am 32 and my mother also grew up in an interfaith family so we are 3 generations and still practicing Jews. My child is also and she is becoming the most observent one. I think it's the people not the religion. Both of my parents are very worldly and understanding and don't put down anyone for who they are and agree on so much and that is what makes it fun.

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Re: Growing up interfaithless

Author: Jenny Genser  Date:   09-18-02 15:27 My mom was raised Methodist and my dad was raised in an observant Jewish household, but by the time they married, they were both pretty much secular. So I grew up in an "interfaithless" family, but was exposed to both traditions. There was tension before I was born with people on my dad's side strongly disapproving of his marriage to a "shiksa" but by the time I was old enough to know at least my grandfather and uncles, we were accepted as part of the family. My grandpa ensured that we at least would be exposed to the Jewish tradition by purchasing a family membership in the neighborhood Conservative shul and my brother actually had a bar mitzvah (he had to "convert" first). What I did regret about my childhood was not feeling that their was a religion that was "mine". My religious identity was being a "half Jew", which was pretty lame. What I did like wsa the exposure to other traditions. I am raising my daughter to be a Jew (Jewish religious education, membership in a synagogue, taking her to monthly family shabbat services, celebrating the shabbat with candles, and going all out for Purim) but with exposure to other faiths and traditions. I hope she'll have the best of both worlds.

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Re: Growing up interfaithless

Author: James  Date:   09-22-02 10:19 False. No tension, religion talk was virtually nonexistent. Father from a liberal, nearly nonobservant Christian background, and as for my mother's side...my mother's mother's parents were among those who cast off their practice of Judaism when the Statue of Liberty came into view of the boat they arrived on from Europe. As for upbringing it was Unitarian briefly, but then we moved to a rural area where the UU church was a good drive away, and the folks there were snobs. So by age 8, no observance, no mention, just gifts at Xmas, chocolate bunnies and jellybeans on Easter. We had a hand-me-down menorah but on only one Hanukah was it lit. Still, and probably due to much contact with my mother's mother, I knew I was "Jewish" on some level culturally (though granny herself married a non-Jew). But if someone asked me what "religion" I was, I would have said I was a Unitarian until some time shortly after college, when upon examination and reflection I gave it the cold shoulder. In any case, history has always been my favorite subject, and as a character in a Philip Roth novel once said, "Jews are to history what Eskimos are to snow." I find the concept of Jewish identity intriguing, and worthy of exploration, to the point where I even took one of those introductory Hebrew classes. At the present I find all the denominations unsatisfying, but it's fun to dig around in the soil of Judaica, wondering what will grow next. I find the idea of selecting a Jewess for marriage an interesting prospect, but not a necessary condition. -J

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Re: Growing up interfaithless

Author: Rie  Date:   01-11-03 12:58 I have never seen the term "interfaithless" before, but it so accurately describes my childhood! It has often been hard to describe the interfaith situation in my home to the non-interfaith folk. I was alternately raised as "both" and "nothing" :) Thanks for the useful word.

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Re: Welcome to our discussions!

Author: Rie  Date:   01-11-03 12:59 I am glad to see this change in the board...some of the "venters" used to be a little scary and offensive and I was turned off to the website about a year ago. It is nice to see this change (post review) upon my return...I think I'll stay.

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Re: Raising two girls in interfaith environment

Author: celia straus  Date:   02-16-03 12:56 I answer Yes. As the author of Prayers On My Pillow I am often asked how was it that I wrote a short prayer for my two girls, Julia and Emily, every night for two years? What gave me the idea? As I think back on it, it was Julia who asked me to write the first prayer when she was twelve. I'm Christian, brought up Episcopalian, and my husband is Jewish, brought up Conservative and who currently represents a number of Israeli institutions in DC. Like many interfaith couples who marry and have children, we dealt with our religious differences by pretty much avoiding the topic entirely. Not going to church or synagogue. Celebrations of Christmas and Passover focused on the secular rituals and family traditions, and observance of Easter, Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah was nonexistent. As a result my two daughters were yearning for the sacred in our family life even if they were reluctant to say so. Hence Julia's asking me to write her that first prayer. Since that day several years have past and we have all made an extraordinary journey, each in our own way. I believe simply ignoring the interfaith issue does not make it go away, and, in fact, it is often our children who are proactive in bringing it to our attention.

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Re:

Author: Rachel Alexa  Date:   08-20-03 15:53 My mom was raised a secular Sephardic Jew and my father a slightly more religious Catholic, but by the time they got together in the 60's they has pretty much discarded formal religion. Some of my dad's aunts and uncles were very upset that he married a Jew, but his parents were fine once they found out he wasn't converting, and my mom's parents were fine too. Frankly most of the tension was based on class (dad's side is working class Cleveland, mom's side is wealthy NYC, and to the extent that Catholics are more likely to be working class and Jews to be wealthy, I guess you could say it's inter-faith) My sister and I went to a Unitarian Sunday School, and we grew up celebrating Chanukah and Christmas, Passover and Easter, and Rosh Hashanah until the synagogue began charging too much money for tickets (my mom doesn't like Yom Kippur!) Though my mom still considers herself a Jew, and calls my sister and I Jews, while my father certainly does not consider himself a Catholic, my parents have very similar liberal humanist values, so there wasn't a huge amount of tension between them when we were growing up. We were taught to treat others with dignity, and that there was a God, and that Jesus left behind useful teachings but wasn't divine--my parents agreed upon all of these things. But my sister and I, growing up in a small Midwestern town, did have to deal with a fair amount of anti-Semitism at school, and we often wished that our family was part of a Jewish community so we could be with other kids who were like us. However...since I have begun to be a slightly more practicing Jew some tension has come up...it started when I went to study in Eastern Europe. We spent a week in Poland, meeting Holocaust survivors, going to synagogues and concentration camps. It was a very difficult experience for me--I had been to Italy before, which my mom's mom fled in the '30s with most of her family, but to be in Poland, with its camps and fresh anti-Semitic graffiti, made me want to defy the Nazis by being a practicing Jew and raising Jewish children. My dad had a difficult time comprehending why and how I was so upset in Poland--he was basically like well, you're looking for these depressing things, you'll be depressed. My dad, whom I love dearly, don't get me wrong, goes to small towns in Germany often for work, and thinks "oh, what a quaint, lovely place," while I and my mom would be more likely to think "oh, what a quaint lovely place, I wonder how many Jews have been run out of this town in the past thousand years; I wonder what happened to them during the Shoah." Basicaly, my mom and I have a certain sensitivity about the Shoah and anti-semitism which my father does not have, and he thinks it's racist of me to spend more time thinking about the Shoah then other mass genocides. Probably but I can't help it that I'm not a perfect humanist. Now my mom, sister and I light candles on Shabbat when I'm home from school, and my dad stands off to the side, looking uncomfortable. He doesn't want to pray with us, though we certainly wouldn't mind, because he doesn't "do" that ritual prayer thing. I feel so bad that he feels left out, but on the other hand I don't want to stop celebrating Shabbat. Anyone have any advice for dealing with this type of situation? Finally, there's a little bit of tension over Israel--my mom, sister, and I are very liberal Zionists and my father is not a Zionist at all, cannot see any point for a Jewish state. I go back and forth in my mind so often about this: I see his point about Israel treating Palestinians and non-Jews terribly, and how a Jewish state privileges one group of people over others, but on the other hand, this little bit of non-rational "tribal loyalty" or some such thing makes me want to support a Jewish state. Would I raise my children Unitarian, or "inter-faithless?" No. I don't want them to have to feel uncomfortable celebrating Jewish holidays in their own home, or to have no support network to help them deal with anti-Semitism. This doesn't mean that I will necessarily marry a Jewish man; rather, I will marry someone who will help me have a (progressive) Jewish household and raise Jewish kids. My sister, like my cousins also from an inter-faith family, doesn't understand why I'm so "into the Jewish thing" and will probably raise her kids inter-faithless. And my mom's Jewish side of the family thinks I'm kind of kooky too for wanting to be somewhat observant. It is my dad's side that respects the fact that I want to practice ancient rituals and vaugely follow certain dietary laws, just as they do!

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Re: Editors, a job well done

Author: George  Date:   11-19-03 19:07 Dear Interfaith Family editors, I would first like to preface this letter by applauding the editors of this website, one I had previously never heard of, for highlighting Marissa Green's touching yet so honest portrayal of this unique and special upbringing. I myself was raised in a similar fashion and found Ms. Green's words were so inspirational, as I found a person struggling with many of the same issues I struggle with every day. The concept of an interfaith family itself is, as I mentioned, unique and special, in which many worlds can be bridged and life lessons about acceptance learned. Ms. Green's article was quite frankly, very touching. Thank you again Editors of Interfaithfamily.com, by making this essay available as guidance for all those continually searching, this is a job well done. George

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re: interfaithless

Author: A. Wilson  Date:   12-03-03 11:48 Interfaithless describes my background, too. My mother's background is several-generations secular Jewish: father is and was raised as an atheist, mother was raised in an Orthodox family but abandoned religion. My father's background is Episcopalian. For many of the years I was raised, he professed atheism. He has no personal religious beliefs outside of New Age and pop psychology. He would say he did religion "for the music". Except for some very brief experimentations that happened when I was far too young to remember, I was raised pretty much without religious practice. Then, as I got older, my mother told me I was Jewish. This was confusing. What was I supposed to do?? I feel strongly that I have this expectation to raise Jewish children, and be Jewish, by my family, but nobody ever prepared me for this. Not only that, I was always taught to hide being Jewish. My last name is Scottish/English, and I'm a redhead with freckles. Nobody knows I am Jewish unless I tell them. I was told all kinds of horrible stories about things that people did to Jews, and told to conceal it. Even when I meet a Jew, today, it's difficult for me to talk about being Jewish. There were other issues; my parents were rebels, hippies, and my family was not exactly "normal". Each came from a very dysfunctional family, with mental illness and addictions. Each was the black sheep of the family, who married another black sheep. Our family never fit in with other families in the neighborhood no matter where we lived. My beliefs are kind of free-form. As I started looking outside of the atheist box, I found fault with pretty much every Western religion. I can accept a lot of Jewish ideas, but I have to twist my brain around to deal with formal religion. I spent my whole life forming my own beliefs and views about the universe, and it's very difficult abandoning that to take up formal religion. I consider myself a Buddhist. I became attracted to Buddhism at 11, after living in a red-light district motel. The managers were a Chinese family. This Chinese Buddhist family were the first functional, traditional, normal, moral people I was really in contact with. I adopted them as my role models. I wanted to be normal, and they seemed really normal to me. Buddhism seemed to me a good way of life but also a sensible moral system. It also does not require me to twist a lot of my beliefs and practices around, but takes me as I am. I struggled to date Jews, I struggled to date non-Jews but never found a mesh with either. I would find issues with non-Jews who didn't really accept or understand my Jewish ethnic identity. I would find issues with Jews who felt I wasn't "Jewish enough". I would have to slice off a half of who I am to practice all but the most liberal types of Judaism. My family didn't practice any holidays except Christmas, which we practiced in the most secular, commercialistic American fashion. We did gifts and we did dinner, but I never knew Christmas was a Christian holiday throughout my childhood. After all, my secular Jewish family did Christmas, too. [They lived in the Midwest and were in hiding about being Jewish] Once I found out, I felt like I had been lied to. I grew up with a Christmas tree. It's hard for me to give up having a Christmas tree because of the associations. Christmas trees were the one thing normal about my family; Christmas was not celebrated as Christ's birthday, but rather a day on which we could pretend we were like everyone else. As my parents' marriage started to disintegrate, we stopped having a tree. That tree is connected to some of my only happy memories as a child. It's very difficult to think of giving up the tree, even though I was raised without any other holidays. I remember that when I was on my own the first time, the first thing I did was that I bought a small, potted tree for my apartment. My partner is interfaith, meaning that he grew up with a Jewish father and an ex-Catholic mother. Both sides of the family are very religious. He grew up with both sets of holidays. He is still attached to Christian holidays, but considers himself an agnostic and has no interest in Christianity. He was raised, though, believing he was Jewish. He considers himself an ethnic Jew, and because of his last name he is taken for being 100% Jewish until he informs someone that his mother is not Jewish. At the same time, he has positive associations with his Jewish background that I do not have; he has never been "in hiding". He was exposed to Jewish holidays throughout his life, and has people in his family who are strong, practicing Jews but also good people and role models as well. Because of the holiday-attachment but lack of interest in Christianity, we celebrate Celtic/Pagan holidays. For me, this is a way to connect with my Celtic patrilineage, which is as important to me as my Jewish heritage. For him, this means we can do all the usual holidays without having to do Christ along with them. The confusion is that we were freethinkers/unaffiliated, separately. Together, we make one whole Jew. Our children will be perceived as 100% Jewish, with a Jewish mother and a father who has a Jewish last name. What about the other half of us?? Each of us is half something else. We both want to keep a connection to our Celtic (and in my case, Native American) ancestry. We have talked about having a Jewish household, and raising our children Jewish. For him, he is simply picking one of the two ways he was exposed to. He is like a dual citizen who is in the process of deciding which country to raise his children in. I am like a person without a country, who's gotten too used to the freedom. I can't give up doing Buddhist meditation; although any good Buddhist would say I have grown too attached to it.

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re: interfaithless

Author: scott  Date:   12-04-03 19:43 I just have one question for..., A. wilsson, You seem to celebrate a lot of holidays and observances from different religions. What religion, if any, do you really actually consider yourself?

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Re: Patrilineal Jews

Author: Julie Slotnik Sturm  Date:   12-07-03 19:49 In response to the question, "how should the Jewish community recognize patrilineal Jews?" The answer is simple, with respect and love and welcoming arms. Just as a matrilineal Jew should be treated. The question itself assumes that the patrilineal Jew is a Jew. And therefore we are all the same, no better, worse, more or less than any other Jew.

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Re: julie's post/ patrilineal Jews

Author: scott  Date:   12-09-03 08:28 should the jewish community recognize patrilineal descent as a factor for determiining who is a Jews. I respectfully disagree with Julie. I think patrilineal descent, while it may lookm good on paper, pratically it is not helpful for the future of Jewish people. I beleive it is beneficial to determine who a jew is either by the father, OR by the mother, but not both. The Jewish community needs to decide which one over the other, in my opinion. I am affraid that recognizing both will ultimately result in more Jews intermarrying. I understand this site wants to welcome intermarried couples into Judaism. Accepting both maternal and paternal descents would be a defacto way of encouraging intermarriage though, becasue it would now make it easier to marry outside the faith and have a Jewish family. I thnk that it will cause more Jews to have families in which one memebr is not a Jew. Quite frankly, I dont thinmk that is good for the Jewish people, but I would be hapopoyto hear from someone who does think thats goodsuch a concept, and why they think so.

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Re: Patrilineal question

Author: Penelope  Date:   12-11-03 01:43 How can this question not be racist? How can it matter so much whose blood is the "real" Jewish blood to make it "take?" This question drives me nuts! I'm fine to convert my daughter and say - THIS is when you became Jewish. I've very uncomfortable saying that she's less Jewish than her cousins because my blood runs purple rather than orange. Who can explain that to a kid and then say that the Jews stand for anti-racism and tolerance? I don't stand for patrilineal or matrilineal Jewish anything, but would rather identify it based on a family's choice. I must admit that the Christian method makes more sense to me. I would rather people judge my daughter's Jewishness based on how SHE identifies herself and by the life she leads. I also have a problem just following tradition, especially if it proves to be harmful. OK. So, does anyone want to give me a better perspective and educate me? I am surely open to suggestion.

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Re: julie's post/ patrilineal Jews

Author: mpfreed  Date:   12-13-03 16:36 Scott: I agree with you. I am not happy with patrilineality. To be fair, however, it is necessary to consider the conditions that come with that decision of Reform in 1983. A child of a Jewish father can be considered Jewish - only if he/she is brought up and educated Jewish and in no other religion.

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"You're not Jewish" "Yes I am!"

Author: Orlando  Date:   12-23-03 13:14 Here's a dialogue I conjured up. I hope it will be of value to the readers here. If you, the offspring of an intermarriage, consider yourself a Jew, and someone (who doesn't know of your parents' religions) hints to you that you aren't, you can react in one of three ways. 1. get offended 2. ignore it 3. Earnestly ask: "Upon what basis do you say that?" On reaction #3, if they say you're not Jewish because you weren't "raised Jewish", then you can respond with two different answers. 1. Quote a famous Talmudic teaching. "'A Jew who sins is still a Jew.' Now, those sins include not only failure to follow Jewish laws and customs, but also believing in non-Jewish beliefs. After all, a Jewish teen who's tasting the waters of a non-Jewish cult is still a Jew, right? Then certainly an agnostic like me is!" 2. Or, you could reply, "Hmmm, are you implying that a child of two *non*-Jews who happens to love all things Jewish, and who even follows some Jewish customs, is considered Jewish by your definition? That would kinda make all those rabbis who perform conversions pretty useless, and the people who spent years in the conversion process rather resentful." Finally, you should then look your accuser in the eye and ask back either one of these two questions: A) "Now, who's a Jew?" B) "What in the world does "raising my kids Jewish" mean anyway? Does a slice of matza once a year suffice?" Now let's hear the accusation of someone who knows of your parents' religion. If they say that you're not Jewish because of the following *combination*: your mother isn't Jewish AND you weren't raised Jewish, then you can answer back, "So you're telling me that if only my mother was Jewish AND I wasn't 'raised Jewish', then I would be considered Jewish, but since only my father is Jewish, my Jewishly-lacking upbringing makes me not Jewish. This means that you're implying that matrilineality and patrilineality are not on the same level. Doesn't that go against your beliefs?" If they say that you're not Jewish *only* because your mother isn't Jewish, you could respond in three ways: 1. Get offended. (I'm not sure if the words of accusation would offend as much as the tone would.) 2. Reply: "Well, my dad is Jewish, and if it's good enough for the Reform movement, it's good enough for me. (This reply could be said whether or not you even identify with the Reform movement.) 3. Earnestly ask, "OK, I'll take your bait. Where does it say in the ancient Jewish writings about matrilineal and patrilineal descent?" For response #3, If they have a ready answer, such as "Well, the Reform movement made their stance on patrilineal descent 19 years ago. (Whether or not it is retroactive is a source of major confusion.) However, the Talmud, about 1900 years ago, only holds by matrilineal descent, as recorded in tractate Kiddushin, page 66b", -- then you know you've got something substantial to deal with. In summary, for those dopes out there who are in-your-face about telling people that they're not Jewish, just chill. For those who feel like their Jewish identity is at stake, don't just get offended; do the research.

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orlandos message

Author: scott  Date:   12-25-03 00:46 << In summary, for those dopes out there who are in-your-face about telling people that they're not Jewish, just chill. For those who feel like their Jewish identity is at stake, don't just get offended; do the research>> Who is a Jew? Some one who is born of a Jewish mother(or father, in Reform Judaism), or one who has been properly converted to Judaism. Who is Jewish?- in my opinion, any Jew who seriously practices the Jewish religion and accepts Jewish beliefs. Ergo- a Jew who converts out of Judaism is still a Jew....part of a people/a nation. Howerver, because that person does not adhere to the religion of the Jews, that person cannot be called 'Jew-ish.' If you want to know who is a Jew, go by this. Jews who practice and live Judaism whether it be reform, orthodox , etc, they are Jewish. I simply say that you have to put your money where your mouth is. A Jew who engages in the worship of a foreign diety is not Jewish, yet is still a member of the people of Israel-therefore a Jew.

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Re: Patrilineal question

Author: Carol  Date:   12-28-03 16:36 I know there is alot of arguement on this subject. It is my belief if a parent is Jewish and the children are being raised within the Jewish faith then they are Jewish.Im comfortable with that. My children are comfortable with that. It is of no one elses concern. Just as we ignore the fanatics that say we are going to hell if we do not believe a certain way we ignore those that think they have the right to identify my children. They are who they are. End of story.

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Re: julie's post/ patrilineal Jews

Author: t.Sturm  Date:   01-12-04 13:35 I was raised Catholic because my mother is Irish. I attended catholic school with the last name Sturm. I heard comments like,"dirty jew", "cheap jew", and "Christ killer" in my 1980's childhood. It saddens me that the Jewish community will not accept us "half-breeds" with open arms. Growing up, many Protestant and Catholic families would not let their kids assosciate with me. I lived in a rural community. I think Jews should be more accepting of paternal lineage. It is sad to see that both worlds do not accept patrilineal "half-breeds". Where do I belong? Neither side ever gave full acceptance.

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Re: t. Sturm

Author: Jenny Genser  Date:   01-13-04 12:10 T. Sturm, I think that the Reform movement in Judaism would be very accepting of you, since in many synagogues, half the members belong to interfaith marriages. As the child of an interfaith marriage myself, I have been made to feel welcome in my synagogue. However, because you were raised Catholic, any Jewish denomination would require you to convert. I converted, because during my teen years, my mother putzed around with Unitarianism and I briefly joined her in that denomination. Also, I sometimes find cultural stuff that I don't know that those born in a fully Jewish household do. Such as songs, and the like (I sing in the congregational choir). That is the lot of the "newbie" in any situation, including internet discussion forums (wink). Good luck in finding a spiritual home, and I'm sorry that the kids in the Catholic schools teased you for being half-Jewish. In the Eighties, too!

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Re: Welcome to our discussions!

Author: Melinda  Date:   02-10-04 11:32 Ah, I was so happy to come across this website in a search to find a support group for interfaith marriages. I am a Jew by choice and did so before my marriage just 3 years ago. My husband was raised in a conservative Jewish home observing all the religious holidays along with the more minor holidays such as Purim and Hannukah. Not only did my husband observe the Sabbath each week, his parents brought him and his siblings up in a Kosher home. We keep a kosher home with separate utensils, plates, cookware etc for meat and milk. Over the years, I've learned to adapt to this way of life to support my husband's choice to keep kosher. I, on the other hand, come from an Italian Protestant background, but chose to become Jewish so that we could share a common religion and bring our children up in a Jewish home. I did not come from a very religious family so the choice to convert did not seem as much as a sacrifice as it would be for someone who is more devout in their faith. That aside, I still consider my choice an act of love and support so that we would have Jewish children. My concern, however, is that my husband wants our children to be brought up kosher because this is something he would like to pass along. I've never said that I would choose this lifestyle for me. There are many ideals of the kosher law that I find humanitarian in nature, but some of the other tennents I can not accept and adopt into my own way of life. My question is, how can I be expected to raise my children this way, if I don't believe in these ideals? It is a frustrating issue for me because not only would I have to support my children eating this way, I would need to act as a role model for them which ultimately gives me no choice. As I mentioned, my background is Italian which means I grew up eating pork, meat and cheese dishes and much shellfish. These are things that I love. I would love to hear from someone who is or has been faced with similiar circumstances. I am planning to bring up the subject with my husband soon. Our daughter is 7 months and will be starting to eat regular food very soon. Any thoughts or help would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks! Melinda

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Re: adopting a kosher diet

Author: Ellen  Date:   02-11-04 11:15 Melinda, I think my story is very similar to yours. I grew up with a published recipe in our family for pork chops in sour cream (yogurt) and white wine and I married a man whose family has always kept kosher. Giving up non kosher meat and seafood was a gradual process for me. We used to live near a place with fantastic clam chowder, and for a few years, I continued to eat things out that weren't allowed in our house. Eventually, I learned how to give these things up entirely, sort of like the way I learned to live with less salt and sugar and fat, and now I'm used to it. I have found that there are lots of excellent meat substitutes available in the supermarket now, as well as some tolerable dairy substitutes, so I can make lasagna, mousaka, tacos, and all kinds of yummy things with real cheese and something that has the same taste and texture as meat. It's less expensive and probably healthier, too. There are also some pretty decent kosher ham, crab, and shrimp substitutes one can find in a kosher grocery store. If you really don't think you can live without porky-tasting meat (but why on Earth would you?), turkey breast is close enough, I think. Many recipes, like vegetarian quiches and lasagnas, work just fine without meat at all. With a little creativity, I've found that accommodating the kosher requirements is no problem at all! If you have converted to Judaism, then yours is not technically an intermarriage. I'm puzzled, though, that the whole kosher diet thing wasn't part of the package deal when you went through your conversion.

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Re: Growing up interfaithless

Author: rosa linda guerra  Date:   05-24-04 15:19 Dear Jenny, I really appreciated your note. I am looking into the past regrets many adult children of interfaith relationships experience. The reason is that I am currently experiencing a "rift" between my husband (episcopal) and myself (conservative Jewish background) in that while he is tolerant, he seems to feel displaced or separated from us and I hurt for him. We eat kosher even at restaurants, and he doesn't. This point alone is a sore spot and seems to irritate and segregate him. I would never do something to purposely bring strife into the marriage, but on the other hand, I cannot become secularized because of feelings, either. any advice?

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Re: Patrilineal Jews

Author: Jason Bortnick  Date:   07-23-04 01:06 After being picked on at school, branded "Jew-Boy" or "hey kike!", my father would ritually console me by exlaiming at the top of his lungs, "But you're not even Jewish!" He was Jewish. My mother wasn't. I never knew anything about my mother's side of the family as her father left her when she was 7. She didn't remember much of her youth at all and certainly never told me about it. When she married my father he told Zeda and Nana she was Jewish to appease them. I knew all about my father's side from my Zeda and Nana's arrival in Canada to the anti-semitism my father faced in a german immagrant town in Saskachewan during the War. I know all of my Jewish relatives and none of my gentile ones. I was raised secular. My father stopped believing in G-d after the Holocaust. He had me in 1972 when he was in his forties. I found anti-semitism was rampant in the part or Winnipeg where I was raised. I even had to have a teacher history teacher fired for teaching us the Holocaust didn't exist. (There were no Jewish kids in my school) My Father refused to take me to synagogue even when I begged. I got a star of David and a yarmalkah for Christmas when I was 10 though we didn't follow Jesus either. I was so happy but I had nowhere to wear it. I have been called every name in the book for the 32 years I've been on this Earth. My father tells me I'm not a Jew. This always hurt me. I wasn't accepted by gentiles as a gentile. The all saw me as a Jew. I don't practice and I know that's essential to being Jewish and I'm at an age where I want to get in touch with G-d. I've never fit in any of the camps. I would like to know anyone's thoughts on this. On the whole, I'd rather be Jewish.

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Growing up Interfaithless

Author: Matthew Cohen  Date:   08-08-04 00:59 I appreciate the opportunity to express my opinion in a forum like this one. I wonder how many children of interfaith marriages end up confused about themselves as adults, but I can say that I have not met many who have sorted it out without some kind of introspection. Like some of the previous posts in this group I was raised to appreciate both the Methodist Christian background of my mother and Conservative background of my father. However, growing up in central Indiana 'appreciating' can mean different things. For a state that was once ruled from basically top to bottom by the KKK, Indiana is suprisingly accepting of other religions, except that most people here don't have a good understanding of what being Jewish is. Without a religious base to build from, you can easily get lost ethically, spiritually and socially. Trying to find someone who can understand where you are, as an adult child of an interfaith marriage, is a difficult thing. As a child I rarely visited my father's family in Connecticut and New York, so I did not have a good idea of what the practical, every day aspects of being Jewish were all about. Appreciation for Judaism has come only through time and life experience. When I finally had the chance to visit the farm that my paternal grandfather's family has worked since they arrived in the US, the idea of giving up that connection to their world seems as much an anethema as giving up the care and love my mother's family has shown me my whole life. Growing up spending holidays with my mother's family here in Indiana had a great impact on me. Even though I am not a Christian, the spirit of closeness that her family exhibits made my own decision about a religious future difficult. Like some people here, I spent some time contemplating other religions and ideals. I studied Chinese for many years both in high school and college, so Buddhism seemed a natural path for me to take. However, something about choosing a religion that would take me far away from the beliefs that made me who I was did not seem a good fit to me. While I valued the beliefs and character of my practicing Buddhist friends, I knew it would not fit into my world view. I have come to understand that I need to find a place for myself that is at one time among my fellow Christian and Jewish Hoosiers, but I am not sure if I can take my place as one of them. Dating has been extremely tough for me. I have been hesitant to reach out to the Jewish singles groups here because I have tended to try to stay neutral on the patrilineal question. However, I haven't met many Jewish women who are neutral, and rightfully it is not their problem to worry about. Random dating, what I term as dating based on mutual attraction, is just as hit and miss. Keeping my religion secret at work or in social interactions is not a necessity for me, but I have often wondered about just 'going with the flow' and ignoring my personal convictions. I think this is a question that many adults of interfaith families have dealt with. We only have a limited amount of time on Earth anyway, and given the typical American lifestyle, is it worth valuing something which your parents may not really have valued at the same point in their lives...leading to their marriage and you?

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Re: Jason's message

Author: Hope  Date:   08-19-04 10:40 Hello Jason, You have a very interesting family and life story. I grew up in a more Jewish area than you but still dealt with incidents of antisemitism at the hands of my peers. I always saw the absurdity in people attacking me physically and verbally for my religious beliefs and then see them head off to church on Sundays to pray in the name of a Jewish Rabbi who was killed for being Jewish. Obviously good people of all faiths look to make the world a better place, and the others that spread evil are just that. But I was raised Jewish and though it can be difficult to be part of a minority there is a lot of support and strength out there, esp within our community. If you would like to explore your Jewish roots and leanings I encourage you reach out to a reform or reconstructionist synagogue in your area. I think you will find a warm welcome. You owe it to yourself to explore that if you have that desire. In regards to Patrilineal descent, these two branches do recognize it but I believe you have to be raised Jewish to call yourself that. I'm no Rabbi though, you'll have to check that out further. Hope to hear from you again, and Good Luck

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Re: Jason's message

Author: Ellen  Date:   08-19-04 22:00 Hope, You make a really good point there. If someone grows up ambivalently half Jewish without a good Jewish education or community support system, it becomes much more difficult to find the strength to deal with that kind of antisemitic treatment. A positive sense of oneself and a sense of belonging are really crucial for young children growing up. It's not fair to set children adrift and expect them to possess the social skills and cultural understanding of a seasoned and liberally educated adult.

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Re: Growing Up Interfaith -- What did you choose and why?

Author: jenny genser  Date:   08-29-04 17:22 I am an adult child of an "interfaithless" marriage, who as an adult, found a religious home in Reform Judaism. Now, deep into middle age and as the parent of a nine-year-old who will begin preparing for her Bat Mitzvah in four years, I am preparing for MY Bat Mitzvah next spring. One of the options is doing a research project, and I am doing mine on adult children of interfaith marriages. I am interested in what aspects of Judaism and the other religion you were exposed to as a child and what religious identity you chose as an adult. Here are the questions: 1. What religion was your mother? 2. What religion was your father? 3. What religion did your family identify with? 4. If you were raised Jewish, what Jewish holidays and practices did your family celebrate or observe? 5. If you were raised Jewish, did your family celebrate or observe any holidays or customs from the other religion? 6. If you were not raised Jewish, what holidays or practicies from Judaism were you exposed to? 7. If you were not raised Jewish, what other religious practices or holidays did your family celebrate or observe? 8. What was your impression of Judaism as a child and as a teen? 9. What choice for religion did you choose as an adult? 10. What decade were you born in? 11. Are you male or female? Please feel free to elaborate. I can be contacted at jenny.genser@verizon.net. Thanks.

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Re:

Author: JB  Date:   12-07-04 11:50 As the "Jewish half" of an interfaith marriage...with a baby on the way, I'm always fascinated by this topic of conversation and the questions it brings up in relation to child-rearing. Is it better to raise a child knowing only one religion and one set of traditions? Does this lead to less confusion and more stability in the child's life as he/she gets older? Or is it better for a child to be exposed to both religions...or, at least, both sets of traditions? Neither my husband nor I are very religious. Rather, we both grew up enjoying traditions -- for me, Passover, Hannukah, etc. and for him, Christmas, Easter, etc. So now we find ourselves wondering how we should raise our children. At first, I strongly believed that it would be much easier if we raised our kids solely Jewish and only celebrated Jewish holidays and traditions in our own home. The kids would be free to share in Christmas and other non-Jewish holidays with their grandparents, but as far as our home was concerned...and their identity, they would be Jewish. But then I started thinking about this... What if I my husband and I were two different nationalities? Would we completely eliminate the other's traditions in our home in order for our child to be raised with only one set of traditions and one identity? Obviously, we would not. What is the difference here? Why does there seem to be no conflict about a child saying they are a product of both American and Chinese parents and embracing both cultures in their home...but yet there's so much angst about a child saying they are a product of both Jewish and non-Jewish parents and celebrating both of those traditions in their home? Your thoughts?

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Re:

Author: BobP  Date:   12-08-04 12:15 <<... What if I my husband and I were two different nationalities? Would we completely eliminate the other's traditions in our home in order for our child to be raised with only one set of traditions and one identity? Obviously, we would not...>> <<...but yet there's so much angst about a child saying they are a product of both Jewish and non-Jewish parents and celebrating both of those traditions in their home?>> One can be American and Chinese - or Irish and French - or like my kids American and Russian and Polish and English and French and German. The "problem" is the Judaism is often considered to be a culture. And in the US that is often true. But while it's possible to celebrate the TRADITIONS of a Jewish and non-Jewish holidays, I think it's best for a child to be given ONE religion as "theirs". I think most Christians would agree that a child cannot be both a Catholic and a Baptist. While they share some beliefs, they are different religions. The same way, one cannot be both a Jew and a Christian (no matter which specific religion). Note that there are some who believe that a child CAN be raised in both. Since you ak If a child of Christian/Jewish parents were to raise their children Jewish, it does not mean the Christian traditions are ignored. But in that case, the child should celebrate the PARENTS holiday understanding that it's not his/her holiday. Just like if it's a friends birthday, he/she celebrates the friends birthday - not his/her own. There are some who beleive a child CAN be raised both Christian and Jewish. Since you asked for opinions, I think it diminishes both as no matter how it's taught, the basic beliefs of each are contradictory. The only way to "meld" these is to water them down so much that what you have left is almost meaningless. That is my opinion of the raise them BOTH idea. Hopefully, you will have a happy and healthy child. And that's really the most important thing. PS You probably know this already - but "traditional" Judaism considers a child born of Jewish mother to be Jewish - regardless of the religion of the father or whether the child is raised in the Jewish religion. Good Luck. Bob

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Re:

Author: JB  Date:   12-11-04 22:41 "If a child of Christian/Jewish parents were to raise their children Jewish, it does not mean the Christian traditions are ignored. But in that case, the child should celebrate the PARENTS holiday understanding that it's not his/her holiday." But by not ignoring Christian traditions, do you mean bringing them into our own home? Is it realistic to raise our children Jewish, yet have a Christmas tree in our family room each December because we are celebrating "Dad's holiday"? It sounds reasonable on paper, but then I start to wonder if the "fun" of Dad's holidays, such as Christmas and Easter, might start to diminish the importance or appeal of the Jewish holidays celebrated in our home around the same time. Continued thoughts welcome.....

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Re: JB

Author: BobP  Date:   12-12-04 21:48 <<...I start to wonder if the "fun" of Dad's holidays, such as Christmas and Easter, might start to diminish the importance or appeal of the Jewish holidays...>> I think interfaithfamily.com has published some articles on this subject (editors?) In the US, unless a person lives in a VERY Jewish area, there will be friends and neighbors who celebrate Christmas. So your kids will be seeing the "fun" of the Christian holidays, even if there's nothing IN your home. So I do think that your husband should have some acknowlegement of the Christian holidays. After all, it's his home too. I think the main thing is to let the child share his fathers holiday, just like he'd share his fathers birthday. Now a personal viewpoint... My parents - both Jewish - did not want their kids to miss out on the "fun" of Christmas. So we got Christmas presents from Santa on Dec 25. And while this did not make us decide to become Christian, we both married Christians. I guess I'm trying to say that it's important to have a "separation" between what "his" holiday and someone elses. That's my 2 cents worth of advice. Bob

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Re: JB

Author: Ronnie Friedland, Editor  Date:   12-12-04 22:28 Hi JB, There are many ways of raising a c hild with one religious identity yet exposing the child to the religion/culture of the other parent. Some find it easier to expose the children outside of the home, at the grandparents' or other relatives home, while others feel comfortable doing it within their home. Each family needs to decide what works best for them. There is no right answer. But in terms of another concern of yours, according to the recent survey we took of our readers, more couples raising their kids as Jews who also celebrated Christmas for the non-Jewish parent, said on the whole the children enjoyed the Hanukkah celebration more than the Christmas one. They also enjoyed celebrating Christmas, but enjoyed Hanukkah more. So I don't think you need to worry about that aspect of your decision, if our survey is accurate. We do have lots of articles on this topic in our archive and I especially recommend Dr. Paula Brody's article, http://interfaithfamily.com/article/issue2/brody_december.phtml Good luck to you in your decision making and I hope you will look through our archive for helpful articles, as well as continue to post on these discussion boards.

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