High Holy Days - Page 1 - InterfaithFamily.com

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Author: InterfaithFamily.com Editors
Date: 03-27-02 13:30

We're pleased to tell you that we've changed our online discussions--and we invite you to join them! When you submit a message, it will be reviewed by our moderators before it is posted. While we will accept messages that are realistic about the challenges posed by interfaith relationships, we won't allow people to vent their opposition to intermarriage, as has happened in the past. Our goal is to make our discussions a welcoming and safe place for people dealing with interfaith relationships to turn for helpful information and support. So please--join our discussions!

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Please join this discussion

Author: Ronnie Friedland, editor
Date: 03-28-02 14:32

Some feel it is hypocritical to only go to temple for the High Holy Days. Others feel it is a way of affirming their Jewish identity and gaining perspective on their lives. What do you think?

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Re: High Holy Days

Author: Donna Schwartz Mills
Date: 09-05-02 13:54

I grew up in a family that only went to temple on High Holy Days, and then because my great-grandfather paid for the tickets at the old city synagogue he worshipped at for decades (far from our suburban neighborhood).

Back then, I longed for more involvement and membership in the Jewish community. I wanted a Bat Mitzvah. But our synagogue membership would only last a few months each time -- we always dropped out due to financial difficulties. When I was 13, my father said that if I was a boy, he would get a second mortgage on the house to pay for a Bar Mitzvah, but since I was a girl he didn't have to do that. I was less interested in all things Jewish after that.

My sister and I both ended up married to men who were raised Christians. Neither one of them is particularly religious, but conflicts definitely arise from time to time... especially when it comes to the subject of paying for temple membership.

My husband does not understand why one has to pay for tickets to worship on High Holy Days or why fees are imposed to join a congregation. I have pointed out that the church he grew up worshipping in (in Wales) was built in the 14th century - there is no need to pay for property or a new building, and there is a centralized hierarchy in place that subsidizes living expenses for clergy, building maintainance, etc.

But at the same time, I have a hard time understanding why the local synagogue I would like to join (because we have many friends there) charges so much for membership. I finally got around to talking to their membership people yesterday (I know - last minute) and could not believe that the basic fee for our family would come to $225 per month - and that was before we added in the cost of religious school for our daughter. We cannot afford that - and even if we could, my husband would balk at it. (You should have heard him rant when I showed him the brochure last night.)

Although they state that no family is turned away for financial reasons, I still would need to write them a letter requesting financial assistance, stating what our income is and what kind of expenses we have. While the woman who administers the program at the temple is very nice and this information would remain confidential, *and I understand why they would have to document why some people pay less* it still doesn't feel very good. And my husband hit the roof when I told him of this - he doesn't like me talking about our finances with our own family members, let alone outsiders.

My friend, who is a member through such a financial arrangement, tells me that 70% of the congregation is paying discounted fees because they cannot afford the full price. Frankly, I think that's just nuts. If over 2/3 of the congregation cannot afford the fee, why have they set the fee so high?

And I now feel a lot more sympathetic to the situation my parents found themselves in.

So this year, I will be paying $220 to attend High Holy Day services by myself as a non-member. (We cannot afford more so that my husband and daughter might be able to go with me.) I have wanted to at least attend High Holy Days for many years and last year, my grandfather passed away right after Rosh Hashanah (he suffered a stroke a couple of days after 9/11). We buried him the day after Yom Kippur. I'm feeling really sad this year and want to honor him and my family and at the very least, I can afford to do that by myself.

I would love to be a year-long member of this congregation, but right now I have to settle for being one of those Jews who only attends on High Holy Days - if that much. And I wonder if all the powers that be who lament that we are losing many Jewish people to attrition and intermarriage might not question the system we have put in place to fund our synagogues. The financial hurdle is a tough one to jump.

Anyway - sorry to be so long-winded. I needed to express these feelings and I appreciate finding this site.

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Re:

Author: (anonymous, for now)
Date: 09-05-02 14:59

Donna, without knowing where you are, and with your description of the
synagogue's membership policies certainly sounding both disappointing
and common, I do have a bit of advice - if you can get over the bad taste
that the amount they charge for membership leaves in your mouth, try
*going* to services with the whole family, just some random Saturday
morning or Friday evening, or for Simchat Torah, or really any time but
the high holidays. I bet they won't ask for a membership card at the door,
and you'll be able to make some steps towards participating in Jewish
life without making a several-thousand-dollar committment.

My own synagogue is actually a lot less hard-line about money. There are recommended dues with a recommended range, and a fixed price for high holiday tickets, but anyone who shows up without will wind up attending and having a little envelope to take home with a good old fashioned guilt trip suggesting that they should make a donation to the synagogue...
On the other hand, the finances barely work out and that's without actually paying a rabbi and having a *lot* of stuff done by volunteers!

but really, by the time I got to giving that money, I felt like I was giving it *to* my community, knew what it was going towards, and felt really responsible for helping to keep that community going. And nobody was
asking me for money every step along the way while I was finding my space in the community, it was left up to me...

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Re: Donna

Author: BobP
Date: 09-05-02 19:07

Donna,

I second what anonymous said (attend on non High Holidays). My wife and I started attending services a couple of years ago, usually attending Bar/Bat Mitzvah's. No one ever asked for a membership card. In fact, no one even suggested that we should join.
My wife alway felt "funny" that we were not contributing and we eventually decided to join.

FYI, many (if not most) synagogues have "additional" High Holiday services open to all.
Just not the main ones (Erev Rosh Hashana, and Kol Nidre).

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Re: High Holy Days

Author: sara
Date: 07-07-03 21:07

A few points:

1-Not being able to afford a membership is a reason not to go to High Holy Day services, not a reason not to attend any other day. I attend a fairly small shul, and the only time I have ever seen the building at anywhere near capacity other than during High Holy Days was the Shabbat after 9/11. And even then, there was plenty of room.

2-Almost all synogogues allow their memebers to brings guests to High Holy Days. If you ask around, I'm sure a friend or family member would be more than happy to secure a ticket for you.

3-The reason for requiring tickets is very simple; seating. It is unrealistic to expect a synoagogue which may have 35 attendees on a regular shabbat to house 400, 500, 1000 people 2 days a year without defraying the cost somehow.

4-In larger cities, there are often free public services at a JCC or similar location (ie, somewhere with a large hall). These services normally come in an Orthodox and a Liberal Conservative (eep) variety.

5-If you are still unsatisfied, have your own services, at your home, with your family, and anyone else who wishes to attend. Neither rabbi nor cantor nor synagogue are necessay to pray. G-d hears everyone who prays sincerely and devoutly.

shalom,

sara

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Re: Please join this discussion

Author: sara
Date: 07-07-03 21:09

"Some feel it is hypocritical to only go to temple for the High Holy Days. Others feel it is a way of affirming their Jewish identity and gaining perspective on their lives."

I can not imagine anyone (well, ok, maybe some horrible shmuck) who would say they wouldn't rather see Jews praying twice a year than not at all. Every little bit helps. If you find yourself on a mountain of diamonds, and you only pick up two, well, then, yes, you've missed out on a lot, no argument. But, you still come away with two precious gems. Twice a year is better than nothing.

shalom,

sara

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Re: pay for high holidays?

Author: Elise
Date: 09-21-03 14:04

i need a little advice...

my boyfriend is not jewish but is interested in attending rosh hashanah services w/ me. unfortunately, the $180 price tag of the service at a nearby austin,tx synagogue of which neither of us are members, has really deterred him. i've explained that students, or jews who are members of other congregations, are able to participate fee-free. although i am a student, he is neither a student, nor a member of another synagogue.

consequently, how do i a) explain to him the reason behind the high holiday services charge and b) encourage the temple to allow him to attend services without paying the large fee?

thanks!

elise

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Re: High Holiday fees

Author: Ellen
Date: 09-22-03 07:30

Elise,

You can explain to your boyfriend that synagogues cannot pass a collection plate on the Sabbath or holidays, so they depend for funding on yearly membership dues. The amount they are asking (I wish my dues were so low!) is not for Rosh Hashanah per se. Synagogues are usually most crowded on the High Holy Days, but the membership is good for the entire year, and the hope is that members will return on a more regular basis and get their "money's worth."

If you can't work out a satisfactory arrangement at the synagogue in question, I'm sure there are others that would be easier to go to. I wonder why you chose this particular one, anyway, if you don't belong. I'm sure Austin has a Chabad House, which never charges anyone a penny. Chabad always welcomes newcomers, no questions asked. You can search their organizational site for a location near you: http://www.chabad.org/.

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Re: Elise's message

Author: Hope
Date: 09-22-03 20:14

Hello, I lived in Austin for many years and only recently moved away. There is a Chabad house and a Hillel, that welcomes all. Furthermore, I remember several years that I called the Reform synagogue when I was having some financial difficulties and asked them for tickets, which they gave me for $18 one year and the next year I was doing better and got tickets for $50. Call around, I think you'll be happily surprised.

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Re: Some general thoughts

Author: Rabbi Nemitoff
Date: 09-10-04 14:27

I want to thank everyone for what they have written so far...I never imagined that the article would elicit thoughts on the cost of membership!

Just a couple of quick thoughts:

Membership costs - many, many churches ask folks to tithe, to give 10%. And according to my Christian clergy friends, the majority - come very close to this. Yes, it is generally voluntary. And yes, it is given weekly. I don't know of any synagogue that asks for 10%. When we ask for 2%, people lie and grouse about it. The reality is that for the "services" that people want, it takes money. And unless we pay the money, it just isn't there. My congregation has always had a policy never to turn people down because of financial concerns. However, just like college or camp or youth group scholarships, some indication of need is necessary. Sadly (and now my comments are about my 23 years of experience and not about my current congregation), many people are just not honest with synagogues. They have lots of discretionary income for cars, second homes, elaborate vacations....and feel they cannot pay $100 month for synagogue membership. I find that very sad.

There are plenty of us who do struggle with our income. In the past, I have been one of those. We should be treated with dignity and compassion. In return, we should be honest. And if that would to occur, dues costs would go down because everyone would be paying their own fair share.

Sorry about the soapbox.

Just one other thought.

Synagogues are open 365 days a year and usually, 363 of them are without cost. Anyone can come in. Two or three days we limit access for three reasons - space, security, and to encourage membership. No one can argue about the first two. And quite honestly, if we didn't do the third, then there would not be a service for people to complain that they can't come to!

My position has always been: if you WANT to belong to the Jewish community, you CAN. It is only a matter of desire. If you don't want to, there are many excuses that one can use....and money is one of them. I don't mean to offend anyone here. Just the opposite. I want to encourage all of you to WANT to belong. If you do, I know that my congregation - and LOTS of others - are eagerly awaiting your call. All you have to say is "I want to belong." We will figure out how to make it happen.

Don't know if any of this helps or if I will get "flamed." But I hope it will encourage folks to NOT look at finances...but at desire....

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