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Re: Georgia

Author: BobP (---.PHNDAZ91.covad.net)
Date: 07-11-03 08:54

Georgia - I do apologize for INADVERTANTLY hurting you. I'd like to respond to your comments.

I never assumed you would <<convert at the drop of a hat>>. I just pointed out that IMO conversion for any reason except one wanting to be Jewish is wrong, and it was expecially wrong for anyone to PRESSURE you to convert. It's one thing to SUGGEST you look into it - and quite another to PUSH it. It can be a fine line.

As to <<the insinuation that I would never be good enough. And should therefore jump ship now.>> I abosolutely NEVER said any such thing. What I said was if your boyfriend wants a Jewish wife, and you are not going to convert, then that is not you. It's not a put-down. It doesn't mean you are not <<good enough>>. It's simply a fact. I'm sorry if these facts are hurtful. I honestly thought I was being supportive in saying he should accept you as Catholic. But if he cannot, you need to ask yourself why be in this relationship. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh or cruel.

I honestly hope things work out for the best for you.

Bob

Question to the moderator (you may not want to include this - up to you).

Georgia's posts shows part of her "address" as <<edu.au>>
Doesn't that mean she's in Australia? I cannot help but wonder if there is a different "style" of communicating or understanding here.

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boyfriend's mother

Author: Chrissy (---.nrockv01.md.comcast.net)
Date: 07-15-03 09:36

Hi, i have been dating my boyfriend for only 6 months, but marriage is in the distant future. I am Christian but barely practicing, and my boyfriend's family is jewish, but also barely practicing. I celebrate Christian holidays but nothing religious associated with them at all. He celebrates only the major holidays, is not Kosher, and he had a bar mitzvah. His mother is very adamant that he marries a jewish woman. I am willing to do anything to show my love, and stay with him, but i dont think i should have to change myself for his family to like me. He is fine with having an interfaith relationship, and we both believe that rasing an interfaith family is a great way to instill open-mindedness. My family is eager to learn about the Jewish faith, but does not think i should have to convert. How can i reassure his family that converting isnt the only way for us to have a happy life together? Thank you for advice! ( i had posted this message on a marriage board before i saw that there was a dating one, so im sorry for re-posting)
-Chrissy-

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Re:

Author: Georgia (---.uq.edu.au)
Date: 07-16-03 04:13

Bob...

it's water under the bridge now...

As for the "edu.au" ... yes i am in australia at the moment. I was also born and raised in Australia. My father is Irish. My mother is French. My partner is Canadian. I do not think the issue of where i am right NOW is relevant.

Kind Regards,

Georgia.

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Re:

Author: Abbe (---.209.113.174.conversent.net)
Date: 07-18-03 16:03

I'll jump on the "huh" bandwagon. Georgia, I read your original
post and Bob's response and thought that you said pretty clearly
in your post that you were in a difficult situation because of
three conflicting things: your partner and his family want you to convert to Judiasm, you love your partner a lot, and your Catholic faith is real and meaningful to you. I think we all sympathize with your difficult situation, and hope for a solution where your partner and his can accept you for who you are, you can continue to feel good as a Catholic, and you can both continue to share a loving relationship with your partner and work this all out!

There is nothing inferior in being yourself - a Catholic woman who has a true feeling of connection with her faith. And there's nothing inferior in being in love with your partner and being a Catholic woman - but it does create religious and relationship difficulties for you and him both, as you've seen! I wonder if you're struggling a lot with your partner and his family trying to imply such a thing, acting like you're not "good enough" for him, and so on, and that has made you sensitive that everyone else thinks
that way too.

I think if Bob had any criticisms, they were for your partner
and his family, not for you. They absolutely should not be pressuring
you to convert, *especially* if they know that your religion is not something
lukewarm to you, and especially given the openness you seem to be showing to learning about how you could raise Jewish kids without
compromising your own beliefs. You've described your partner as someone who seems really think that you're not good enough if you're not Jewish - if that's so, you may have to face that you both can't work this out - if you don't want to be Jewish, and he doesn't want to marry you unless you are. Not your fault for not being Jewish, but his fault for not loving you for being you. I can see how criticizing your partner, or implying that your relationship with him might not work out, can be hurtful, too, but it's
not a criticism of you, it's an acknowledgement of "boy, are he and his family
ever asking unfair things of you, we sympathize, stand up to 'em, girl, you
can do it" and so on.

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Re:

Author: Carolyn (---.mad.east.verizon.net)
Date: 08-13-03 18:30

I've briefly signed onto the web-site after a long time not logging on. I noticed that BobP was stating to Georgia that if her boyfriend wants a Jewish wife, and you are not going to convert, then this relationship is not for you. It's not a put-down. It doesn't mean you are not <<good enough>>. It's simply a fact. I'm sorry if these facts are hurtful. I honestly thought I was being supportive in saying he should accept you as Catholic. But if he cannot, you need to ask yourself why be in this relationship.

I'm sorry Georgia for the facts that you needed to hear from BobP. He has provided me with the greatest advice back when I was struggling to find something in me to walk away from my then Orothodox boyfriend of 2 years who wanted to marry within the Jewish faith. Now, he is dating his jewish girlfriend of 5 months (seriously). It's been extremely hard to see them together but, I know now that it's NOT ME! It's something that he needed to do to make his parents happy. But, I still can't say that I'm happy for him since, I feel hurt and want that to be "US" again! I always thought that I wasn't good enough for him and seeing that made me very insecure within myself.

YOU are YOU!!! Nothing can change the fact. Your relationship will always be two sided. Either you deal with the facts of life or stuggle to keep this relationship alive. In my part it was very difficult.

Bob has always been supportive of whoever posts with a problem or asks for assistance on the board.

Maybe~ I haven't learned my lesson as of yet because, about a month after my relationship - I ended up with someone who was of the Jewish faith again. Although! not Orothodox or Conservative he didn't have much interest in religion as a whole.

But, after a couple of months the topic was brought up when we were out to dinner. He stated that he doesn't care so much about the religion aspect BUT!!! He would NEVER raise his kids Catholic! WHAT! I thought that was a very hipocritical response. If he doesn't car so much about his beliefs or anyone elses.

So, if you must know after dating 3 months we ended it due to our 5 year age difference (younger) and our different upbringing in general.

I have learned from my past mistakes...hanging on to the very end...even if love prevails it doesn't change anything about that persons core beliefs on religion. If one person has such a strong stance and isn't willing to compromise then all you can do is stand by there side and feel miserable or be strong and know that your faith does matter!

BTW, I continue to date professional and intelligent Jewish men. I have a date with a 35 year old lawyer who owns his own practice this week. But will definetly find out his stance before the third date!!
YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

In my past posts, I have stated that I am open to raise the children in the Jewish faith. As long as I have someone to support me in my Catholic faith and who doesn't discount my upbringing. As I said before "You are who You are!" Nothing will change that! Best of Luck.

Carolyn

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Re: Carolyn's Advice

Author: Georgia (---.uq.edu.au)
Date: 09-01-03 06:43

Hi Carolyn,

Thanks! I guess I should be thanking everyone... I may have to learn the hard way... but this is not a relationship i'm going to walk away from just yet... But thanks again!!!

Kind Regards,

Georgia.

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jewish girl dating non practicing catholic guy

Author: Jill (204.238.139.---)
Date: 09-04-03 13:56

Shalom,
I was referred to this website via the JFS. I am Jewish dating a guy from a Catholic upbringing whom at 15 decided he wanted nothing to do with religion. He didn't understand at first why if we got married where the problems would be. I want my children to be Jewish because I am Jewish. He said he didn't care b/c it was important to me, but he would not convert. I have no problem with him not converting since if he doesn't believe, one shouldn't convert. Even if it were the other way around and I was a man who were to raise my children Jewish and my wife didn't care for religion, then I would have my children converted as soon as possible.

Anyway, we have been dating for a while and though not engaged yet, marriage has come up in conversation. I am curious to know how people have dealt with the synogogue issue. I was raised conservative and would like to remain that way, however conservative isn't as open to non-Jews as reform. For example acception into the community. Or even in the future when my children are bar-mitzvahed, I would like my husband on the bema with me. How are way you have dealt with this issue?
Thanks for any help and any other advice.

Jill

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Re: Marat's Question

Author: Kim W. (151.191.175.---)
Date: 11-12-03 13:52

"I do not mean this facetiously, I really don't, but isn't the intro to Catholicism class called "growing up in America"? Am I alone in this, or does just growing up in the United States give people more of an education about Christianity than most Jews get about Judaism?"

A tangent -- I see what you're saying, and agree. Just pointing out that Catholicism specifically is somewhat different from the more standard all-temperature Christianity that has pretty much been adopted by the secular society at large -- just as any distinct denomination of Christianity is. So even though general American life is a sort of "Christianity 101" in terms of culture, Catholicism SPECIFICALLY does have some quirks to it.

Anyway. I digress.

I came here just to comment on the whole interfaith matter -- I'm a former Catholic, presently a who-knows-what, dating a non-observant Jew (well, he actually would describe himself as atheist in terms of cosmological beliefs, but culturally, he describes himself as a Jew).

We actually had a conversation on interfaith relationships on our very first date -- in which we both basically discussed the fact that it was not something we were overly concerned with. My parents have never been insistent one way or the other about my marrying anyone of a particular race, creed, faith, political party, etc.. He said he's dated both Jewish and non-Jewish women -- and has found that, strangely, for him, he gets along better with Catholics.

We are currently so far from even beginning to invoke the idea of marriage in this relationship that it's laughable -- but are growing closer in other ways, and I do know enough to know that if we DID start to think along those lines, it could work itself out rather nicely. We're both blessed with some fortunate points: the fact that our parents aren't insistent on "sticking to your own kind" in either case, and the fact that we're both a little leery of having children at all, so that issue may not be raised either.

Another thing that I've found, which I've also found worked well in another interfaith relationship I had, is we each have genuine curiousity about each other's backgrounds. I am genuinely interested in his past, and he is genuinely interested in mine. We also each genuinely RESPECT each other's distinct pasts, and beliefs, and such. Neither one of us is wanting to learn about the other to see "oh, I see, well, I like my way better," or to try and "convert" the other. Being Jewish is a distinct part of what makes this particular man who he is, just like speaking Russian or disliking bananas. And growing up Catholic is part of who I am, just like being unable to whistle or liking to eat peas raw. The reason we're learning these things about each other is all part of learning EVERYTHING about each other.

At the same time, I'm also under no illusions that the little experience I've had with Judaism makes me an expert, which also helps; I still know that I'm a comparative outsider, which does keep me from doing anything stupid -- and, also keeps me asking questions. (Well, the occasional Yiddish expression has crept into my vocabulary, but that happened before we were dating, and on occasion when I've used a Yiddish term he is HIGHLY amused.) I think rather than trying to "blend" overly much, we're taking a sort of "this is part of you, and that is part of me, and they're both cool, actually."

My two cents.

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Re: Jewish man Marrying a Catholic Woman

Author: David (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: 01-19-04 20:58

Dude,

I feel your pain. I am a sort of high holiday been Bar Mitzvahed Jew dating a Greek Orthodox girl. One her death bed my mother told me to marry a nice Jewish girl and I worry that I will be sad to be married in a church or that my children would be baptized as their mom would want. It's easy now but you have to look deep inside yourself and ask if that type of stuff will bother you. It shouldn't and we shouldn't pick a spouse based on religion yet I thin of Israel and the Holecaust and Jews have a responsibility greater than themselves to carry on whether they like it or not and you know it deep down in your heart and maybe your parents just want you to know that you know it and the fact that you mention these issue leads me to believe that you wonder to how things will appear down the road. Be honest, think about your childhood and all the holidays and you will arive at a truth that works best for you.

Good luck
Shalom
David

as for me I carry so much guilt towards my girlfriend and judiasm that it is a tough burden to bare. But writing to you has helped me see things a little differently so that is a blessing.

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Re: Jewish man Marrying a Catholic Woman

Author: YASSIRA (200.87.50.---)
Date: 02-27-04 23:09

I'm catholic live in southamerica and my boyfriend is jewish from New York...he comes to my country every month and a week ago we got engaged. I know his parents aren't happy about it especially his mom..I haven't even met his family but I will once my visa is cleared up.

I know nothing of jewish traditions at all I am a bit scared to go there and find hostility from his parents and family ...what shoudl I do ? after all our plans are to marry in the next two months upon my arrival..

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Non Practicing Catholic Man, In Love with a Jewish Woman

Author: CW (162.70.244.---)
Date: 05-10-04 14:51

I am a 26 year old man, who is in love with a 25 year old Jewish girl... We have spent the last 5 years together and it is time to start really thinking about the future.. I have a very strong Italian Catholic mother, who of course, wants her son to have a Catholic family... my dad, doesnt really care, just takes the side of my mom, he is Lutheran after all... And my girlfriends mother is an Jewish mother, a VERY Jewish mother... She wants her daughters family to be Jewish... I was raised Catholic, and I went to church and all that good stuff growing up, but for the past 4 years, the only times I have been in a church are for Weddings and Funerals. My girlfriend and I are currently seperated, "by word" but we are seeing each other, no one else, and getting along really well. She moved out of my house, and rented an appartment, there was no real choice on that matter.. hard to seperate and live together. Well... we realize that we want to be together... Only my mom is basically threating to disown me... and my girlfriend is not asking me to convert... just do a non-denominational wedding.. However... she has to have her children raised Jewish.. I dont know if this is because of her parents, or her... but she only really celebrates the high holidays... so I am really confused.. not to mention between a rock and a hard place with my family... If there is anyone out there who has been in this sort of predicament, please post, and let me know how you got through it.. I cant imagine living with out her, and I cant imagine not having my parents blessings, or there support as we start a family....
Thanks
CW

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Re: Advice for Young Jewish Men Who are Dating

Author: Eric (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: 05-30-04 14:45

Greetings Young Jewish Men Who are Dating

As Jewish young males, you are fortunate indeed to be dating and having relationships in a Jewish community that has become tolerant of interdating. It wasn't always so.

When I started dating, interdating was frowned upon. Unfortunately, as a poor, self supporting Jewish college student majoring in Sociology and Jewish Studies, most Jewish girls literally ignored me. "Marry a doctor or lawyer" is the most important prayer for Jewish mothers everywhere. As a result, I did not have much of a social life when I was an undergraduate. I thought it was important to only date Jewish girls, and I actually avoided many non Jewish girls that were interested in me. At that time, the few Jewish girls I did manage to date also socialized with non-Jewish men, and the fact that I was Jewish was not of particular importance to them. I actually met more non-Jewish women that were interested in Jewish history and culture than Jewish women were, but I never considered dating, let alone marrying them. This continued after I obtained my MSW and was working at a JCC.

I did date one religious Jewish girl for a while. For her - she had to date Jewish guys - so who I was as a person was not as important as the fact that I was Jewish. In addition, she informed me that she planned to move to a city with a larger Jewish community where there would be more social opportunities. I understood I was not in her long term plans. I was her "Jewish guy that she had to go out with" for the time being and I knew I was going to be replaced by some other "Jewish guy she had to go out with. As a religious Jew, she was so involved with her religion and her "people" that there really wasn't much left over for me. Two years later I ran into her at a mutual friend's wedding where she was with a new "Jewish guy she had to go out with". She did not even talk to me.

I finally gave up trying to date Jewish girls, and decided to date only non-Jewish women. I discovered a warmth and friendliness I had never experienced while trying to date Jewish women. They accepted me even though I wasn't going to be a rich lawyer or doctor. ( Well - as things turned out - I did go to law school, and although not rich - did put myself in a financial position that by age 40 employment became an option, not a requirement - but that is another story!). Most importantly many non-Jewish women were attracted to me because I was Jewish! And many of them were also really attractive, and fun to be with.

When I dated non-Jewish women, I was condemned by members of the Jewish community. No more. The Jewish community is so desperate for your involvement( and the money it brings in) that you and your non-Jewish date or girlfriend are now warmly welcomed at just about any Jewish function. Lets face it - your money is still green no matter who you are dating. And you can date women who appreciate you for the person that you are. No longer must you only date Jewish women who only view you as a potential piggy bank. And you pre-law and med guys - do you really want to be with Jewish girls who would never give you a second thought or the time of day if you were not going to law or medical school?

I have been married for over 22 years to a great woman who converted to Judaism on her own. Looking back on my dating career in college, I wish I had only dated only non-Jewish women. I would have had a normal social life and had a much better time in college. I wasted years of my social life trying to meet and date Jewish women. If I wasn't Jewish, I wouldn't have given most of these unattractive, shallow, self centered women a second thought. So all you young Jewish guys, if you want to be appreciated for more than your earning potential, date non-Jewish girls. Most of the non-Jewish women that are attracted to you will most likely be interested in the fact that you are Jewish. Use your Jewishness to attract those non-Jewish women! I did and they loved it! Furthermore, you can be a fully accepted member of the Jewish community even though you are dating non-Jewish women. So go out and have some fun!

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Re: Advice for Young Jewish Men Who are Dating

Author: Ben Ezra (---.140.207.195.Dial1.Boston1.Level3.net)
Date: 05-31-04 23:32

I was rather surprised by Eric's post. There is no doubt that he had bad dating experiences with Jewish women (I'll use the term "Jewish women", as many women may find Eric's use of the term Jewish "girls" to be a bit condescending). And there is no doubt that SOME Jewish women fit the stereotype he described. And for that matter, SOME non-Jewish women fit that kind of stereotype too (even if Eric has never met them, I have). And for that matter, some Jewish and non-Jewish men could fit into those kinds of stereotypes.

And that is my point. Eric has taken his own individual experience (which from his post, clearly still provokes feelings of anger and resentment within him) and projected it onto all Jewish women everywhere. It's more than a little ironic that some of the very same Jewish women that Eric describes as being deficient in character and not worth "a second thought" have now been married off to non-Jewish men who find them to be as enchanting as he claims non-Jewish women found him to be.

I am truly sorry that Eric only encountered Jewish women who apparently were shallow and more interested in a good lifestyle than good companionship. But it is rather offensive to condemn all Jewish women as morally deficient. I speak as someone who, like Eric, married a wonderful woman who was not born Jewish but made the decision on her own to convert. And I had my own reasons for marrying someone not Jewish (at least not Jewish at the time), reasons quite different from Eric's. But I also know that there are many, many wonderful Jewish women (and men) out there who are sincere, care deeply about other people, and are firmly rooted in Jewish (as opposed to materialistic) values.

If Eric were describing a particular entire race or ethnicity in the way he describes ALL Jewish women, most people would find it very offensive. I don't think it's any less offensive to paint all Jewish women with one very negative brush. I suggest Eric look around in the Jewish community. He may be surprised to find any number of warm, caring people of both genders--and many of whom married other Jews not to "keep it in the tribe" or "marry a doctor", but because they shared common values and genuinely loved each other.

As for the Jewish community wanting involvement and money because "your money is still green no matter who you are dating": There are many incredible organizations in the Jewish community doing amazing work on behalf of both Jews and non-Jews. When they ask for your money, it's true that they don't care who you are dating. But it's not like they want to get your money so they can go invest it in the stock market. It's because the work they do is important, and is therefore very worthy of your support, no matter whom you are dating.

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Re: Secular Jew dating a Non-practicing Christian

Author: Erica (---.anapol01.md.comcast.net)
Date: 06-25-04 11:57

I was looking on the interfaithfamily.com discussion board and came across
your message regarding your relationship with your Jewish boyfriend.

Currently, I am in a relationship and my boyfriend is Jewish and I am a
Christian. We have talked about our religious differences many times and what our expectations for family and marriage would be. Originally, he said he had his own beliefs and his family was culturally Jewish. I know his family rarely attends sinagogue and he doesn't either except during major holidays. However just recently, my boyfriend has mentioned to me that being Jewish and keeping the heritage alive is really important to him and his family. What really bothers me is the fact that he has gone through the traditional barmitzvah, etc...and still doesn't know much about his beliefs but advocates this strong desire to raise his family Jewish. I find it difficult to deal with because I am a practicing Chrisitian, go to church with my family, and celebrate the holidays.

This is an important issue to me and has been from the first day we started
dating. In fact, it is so important that I offered to read about my faith and
beliefs because I only knew what I was taught to believe through confirmation and Sunday school. So here I am reading books on my faith and offering tolearn about his however he has not made any attempt. After arguing about this situation he finally agreed to put in the effort that I am in learning about his religion as well as mine.

I guess what I am asking you is how have things turned out. What types on comprimises have you and your boyfriend made. Has his family warmed up to you? I dont want to appear to be nosey, but I would really appreciate any advice or criticism.

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Re: Secular Jew dating a Non-practicing Christian

Author: Martha (---.oneillborges.com)
Date: 06-30-04 17:04

Erica:

My situation is similar to yours. I am a protestant dating a jewish boyfriend. I do not attend church that often now but I was raised in a very observant, born again christian kind of household. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was raised with not much religious attachment, although he did go to Sunday school, jewish camps, and was bar mitzvah. After that day, however, his only contact with religious judaism has been on high holidays.

This being the case, it was upsetting for me to realize, when we first started to have serious conversations about the religious choices of the family we might have together , that he wanted his kids to identify as jews, to go to sunday school at the synagogue and be bar mitzvah too, even though at present he has almost no religious attachment to judaism.

I approached the situation by starting reading books and looking for information about the jewish religion and culture. I came to understand, although not necesarily agree, that jews generally identify as such without regard to their level of religious observance. A jewish person may not be at all religious but consider his or herself very jewish and be very engaged in jewish community centers, charities, etc. That is a huge difference with christianity. Christians only see themselves as such if they go to church regularly and are engaged in church related activities most of the time. A person who was born in a christian household but who does not otherwise attend church is very unlikely to think of his or herself as a christian. For jews, this is simply not the case. I came to draw an imaginary line in my mind between being religiously jewish and culturaly jewish.

This might help you understand your boyfriend's point of view. That being said, however, you have to consider what is important to you. If you are an observant catholic, and you want your family to follow that path, or at least not to abandon it completly in favor of a jewish way of life, it is your right to make this clear to your boyfriend, and it is his responsability as a person who presumably loves you to try to understand your need for an engaged catholic spiritual life for you and your family. You have to consider the importance of your boyfriend's cultural judaism to be the same as religoius catholicism is to you, but he must do his part too.

As for your boyfriend learning about christianity, and catholicism in particular, don't expect him to go and buy a book on the subject. When confronted with the word catholic, or symbols like Jesus' cross, most jews see persecution and murder. I would suggest you start talking to your boyfriend about yur religion and what is good about it. If he doesn't want to have anything to do with it, then you'll have to question your future with him.

In our case, my boyfriend and I are still working on things. He has come a long way, and has come to understand that if he wants to have a future with me, he is going to have to make compromises and start to imagine a household a little different from what he thought it would be, as I have started to do as well. For example, he knows he is not going to have a jewish wife, since I am not converting, and he is going to have a christmas tree in his house. But in reality, the more important thing to settle is the children. How many more jewish kids a jewish person can bring to the world is the core of the issue with interfaith marriages, and that's that. My boyfriend has come to realize that he is going to have children who by most jews will not be considered jewish, and he will have to fight for their right to be accepted as such, and have them converted. However, I will not convert them as babies since that seems like a catholic baptism, it doesn't seem honest to me. I will have them converted, if they wish to do so, when they are older and understand to some extent what it is to be a jew. I will help, but I am not going to take responsibility for building a "jewish home" since I have no clue on how to do that and no one can demand that from me. For this reason, and because my boyfriend doesn't know enough to teach them, our kids will go to Sunday school (or hebrew school) so they learn about jewish religion and culture, and for them to go to jewish camps so they can be surrounded by jewish kids. In this particular, I understand that they are more likely to learn about chrisitanity from their everyday life, and I am in better position to teach them about it than my boyfriend is to teach them about judaism, or hebrew, for that matter. I don't have particular issues with any of this because in my mind, any kids I have with a jewish husband will be as jewish as the kid from the jewish woman next door. (I am yet to hear an argument in favor of matrilineal descent that is not racist, driven by exclusion or rejection of others, or worse, that doesn't seem to support the conclusion that since judaism is transmitted by the mother, it is upon women where the main responsibility for caring and raising children falls upon. Even my boyfriend recognizes that he doesn't have a reasonable explanation for this rule, except for the fact that is there and that it has always beign followed. Anyone who reads this posting and can give me a good argument supporting the matrilineal descent, is welcomed to answer me. Is really an educational exercise for me). I will celebrate hannukah, passover and the high holidays- pretty much the extent of boyfriend's family judaism today- and I'll do it with enthusiasm and love, and I willl want my children to come to think of these celebrations as part of their traditions. But they will also go to christmas and easter services with me, and my then jewish husband will have to join me in this attendances, as well as family christmas and easter sundays dinners. I know that most people in this website are in favor of choosing only one religious tradition for the interfaith family, but I personally do not agree with that. I really think that a child can be taught to understand why mom believes in Jesus and why dad does not. I know it is confusing, but that doesn't mean that is wrong.

I guess the bottom line is that each couple works since out in a different way, but the important thing is that there has to be room for understanding and willfulness to make compromises. The compromises cannot be unidirectional. If one of the 2 is unwilling to accept this, there is really not much to be done in an interfaith relationship.

I wish you good luck, and lots of happiness.

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Re: Secular Jew dating a Non-practicing Christian

Author: Erica (---.anapol01.md.comcast.net)
Date: 07-01-04 12:21

Martha,

I appreciate your advice and experience on the matter. Just to clear things up, I am Lutheran not Catholic, but either way your advice applies. I agree with you 110% about comprimising in the future when it comes to children and introducing both religions and traditions. Ideally that is what I would like to do if marriage is in the picture.

I know my boyfriend and I differ in the religious sector. But we are just one couple facing this problem that so many others face. But what hurts me the most is I am not going to convert to Judiasm and will never be considered Jewish and as a result of that, something that I can't control, I might not ever be welcomed in the Jewish community. I accept my boyfriend for all he is and embrace his Jewishness. I have no problem with my children learning Judiasm and converting when they are old enough, however if the Jewish community can't welcome children who are half Jewish or because the mother isn't Jewish, that bothers me. I have never felt rejected before and to know I could potentially never be accepted in the Jewish community is hurtful.

But like you Martha, even though this website specifically supports Jewish choices, I am going to make comprimises when it comes to religion and even though it is going to pose as a problem and may be confusing, it doesn't mean it is wrong.

Thank you for your effort and words of wisdom. It comforts me to know there are other women in my situation.

Erica

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Re:

Author: Nidhi (---.primus-india.net)
Date: 07-14-04 05:57

Hi!

Although I am not a Jew but I would still like to express my views regarding interfaith Dating in general.

In my opinion, any attempt to discriminate amongst people on the basis of religion or caste is totally derogatory and futile.

When a person wishes to date somebody, it is not on the basis of his/her religion. The personl qualities, the feelings, which are universal irrespective of race, religion, caste or sex, count more.

So if anybody wishes to date somebody, he should look for that special quality in him/her which would make their relationship last forever.

But, above all, any personal choices with regard to the lifestyle and beliefs of one's future mate are totally personal. But religion or caste should not be the determining factor in any case.

Thank You.

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Re: Jewish man Marrying a Catholic Woman

Author: Lisa (---.naisp.net)
Date: 07-26-04 23:58

This web site has given me alot of insight. Thanks to everyone !!
My dilemma is this - I am a Catholic woman who is very interested in
a Jewish man who is also 8 years younger than I am.

I would like to somehow get to know him better but really feel from
these messages that I am probably wasting my time. He would not
ever be "seriously" interested in me.

What are my realistic chances of having him even say yes to a date?
I am considered to be a very intelligent and very attractive woman who
is 43. He is 35. He is most likely "marriage minded", as he is still single
unattached, to the best of my knowledge.

I don't want to get hurt or to embarrass him so I am looking for some
realistic answers.

Thanks in advance.

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Jewish Boyfriend's Mother

Author: Susan (---.Library.McGill.CA)
Date: 07-31-04 16:18

I'm a university student who is having her first serious relationship- but who do I end up falling in love with, but a Jewish man. As a non-practising catholic religion is not an issue with me- but it is a small one with him. His family is reform, and for years he has only gone to synagogue on high holidays, but now is going more frequently. He went to Jewish schools and was always involved in the Jewish community. His parents are divorced, he doesn't get along with his dad, but his dad seems to like me. But his mom tells him we should break-up, I could never make him happy, and that he needs to find a Jewish girl. It didn't even occur to him that it was a problem until she brought it up- but now it bothers him that I'm not Jewish, but not enough that he wants to end it (I gave him the opportunity twice because I hated the idea of making him unhappy), and mostly becuase it makes his mom unhappy and they are very close. Any hints on how to win over his mother? Is it wrong of me to think that if I can make her happy with me than he will stop worrying? Also I have told him that, if we were to end up together long-term, that I would be willing to convert. He said that wouldn't be enough- it's not the same. Any hints or advice would be useful. Thanks

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Conservative Jew dating an Adventist

Author: Aleman (165.139.171.---)
Date: 09-07-04 17:25

My only question is what would keep a conservative jew from dating an adventist? Especially when the adventist is very flexible and does not see a problem with dating a conservative jew. Is there something that can keep two people from falling in love? I don't feel that a belief can determine that decision.

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Re: Jewish man Marrying a Catholic Woman

Author: MS (---.capcir01.fl.comcast.net)
Date: 09-12-04 01:13

Hello,

I am Catholic, but I don't see a problem. When I was in a Catholic HS,
the teachers tried to emphasize the immorality and evil of the Nazis
who persecuted Jews in WWII. We all thought it was tragic. A Jewish
person is always a human being. That is my first emphasis.

Secondly, as a Catholic, I have observed that there is a pattern for
Catholic men or women to marry outside the church. From my observation,
they seem to be outgrowing those who marry within the Catholic Church.
It is reality. I decided to join the trend. For most of my adult years, I
tried to restrict myself to dating only Catholics, but all those dating
attempts ended in failure. So I decided to look outside the Catholic Church
as well. But I don't feel guilty. As I stated, it is a very common pattern
among modern young Catholics. I know Vatican II has addressed this
issue to a compromising degree. I am glad they did given the reality of
interfaith unions in America.

MS
Modern Catholic

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Re: Non Practicing Catholic Man, In Love with a Jewish Woman

Author: tommy (---.oc.oc.cox.net)
Date: 10-05-04 20:06

Hey Guy,

Yeah, it's difficult. I'm a non-catholic going to get married
with a catholic girl.

It's hard, pray to God for your guidance.
With your mom and your girlfriend, you're in the middle.
I've been there before. Just speak to both of them
but never tell each other what the other said.

Step back and breath in some fresh air - good luck.

Tommy

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non-religious woman dating a secular Jewish man

Author: Rachel (---.mdacc.tmc.edu)
Date: 11-18-04 17:52

Help please I need some clarification from a Jewish standpoint.

I am non-religous (but was brought up Christian ) . I believe in g-d and god alone. My normal quip is "I pray straight to G-D , I do not need a middle man ".

This phrase is how I found out I am dating a Jewish man. Things are getting serious. I believe this man wants to marry me. I cannot have children nor can he , so grandchildren are out of the question. His mother is married to a Gentile ,however I believe she would object to her only son marring one. So I ask myself , is it worth converting for? I really appreciate the Jewish faith and the belief system -to my surprise in many ways it mirrows my own. However conversion is not to be taken lightly and I do not know if it would be "acceptable " to his mother . I am more than happy to clebrate all of his Jewish practices , and I currenlty do not celebrate Christmas or Easter. The question remains is it worth the conversion process? Conversion to me means a lifetime dedication which I do not have a problem with ,I just don't think the family will accept me regardless.

thank you for any insight you can offer.

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Re: Rachel's question

Author: BobP (---.phndaz91.dynamic.covad.net)
Date: 11-22-04 11:48

Rachel

Conversion to the Jewish faith should be done ONLY because the person wants to BE Jewish. If your relationship ends, would you still want to be Jewish (if you converted)?

That said, once a person converts, one should not be "reminded" that he/she was not born Jewish. But, there are some who do not accept them - they should be ignored. I cannot think why it would be not be "acceptable " to his mother - since she is not Jewish.

But like I said, do not convert for him, her, or anyone but YOURSELF.

Good Luck,

Bob

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Re:

Author: Stacey (---.cable.mindspring.com)
Date: 12-02-04 20:57

Rachel

You should only convert for yourself because you truely believe in Judism not to try to gain acceptance. He loves you for you. You can always start out slow and just go to temple with him if that is what you want to do. If you truely believe it is in your cards to convert then you should talk to the rabbi but don't do it cause you want to keep peace within the family. He should help to back you up with his family.

good luck,

Stacey

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Jewish/Methodist

Author: Beth (216.51.93.---)
Date: 01-04-05 13:06

Hi, I stumbled across this website a month or so ago, when my boyfriend and I first started thinking about getting married (eventually). I'm United Methodist, he's a Conservative (leaning towards Reform) Jew (by his own description). We've only been together a few months, but we are so much alike in every way, that it seems we were made for each other. I don't see that religion is going to be an issue with us, as we have very similar ideas about faith and have been able to share holidays with our families without a problem.

Anyway, he and I have not yet discussed the religious issues with raising our future children. We know it's something we need to talk about and eventually decide (BEFORE marriage), but we are waiting until our collective stress level has gone down a bit (holidays, my sister's upcoming wedding, etc.). I really just wanted to say that I'm glad to have found this site, as I have gained a lot of insight from everyone who's posted. Before he and I have even talked about this issue, I have some idea as to what I'd be comfortable with, and a better understanding of what challenges we'll have to deal with, and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's posted their personal experiences.

~Beth

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Re: Jewish/Methodist

Author: Maressa (---.36.cust.nls.net)
Date: 01-05-05 15:06

Hi Beth,
Also read the "Raising Children in Interfaith Families" posting...those are great pertaining to your upcoming discussions.

I wish you the very best..I as a christian woman and my ex-boyfriend as a reform Jew thought very similar to you. I thought this relationship was meant to be for sure. However, the topic of raising children is really difficult once you face it. There is not one right or wrong choice or way to do things...but the topic is much more complicated and less compromisable than I had ever imagined.
The earlier you have these conversations the better!
Maressa

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