Raising Children In Interfaith Families - Page 4

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Re: Decision time

Author: Dana  Date:   08-20-04 11:25 Ellen, I appreciate your thoughts and will take them into consideration as I'm making this huge decision. I do know that I have the right to a family that I want, but who knows if I will find all of the qualities in another man plus the added jewish religion. The fact that we've spent two years together doesn't matter so much, what matters is the love we share and have shared over the two years. The fact we have the same morals, values, and hobbies. I think for these reasons continuing this relationship would make sense. I don't want to regret my decision either way--staying with my boyfriend and not being completely happy in the religion decision or leaving my boyfriend in hope to find a wonderful man that I am compatable with who is Jewish and settling for someone that doesn't live up to my standards. Your words have helped, thank you.

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Re: Decision time

Author: Carolyn  Date:   08-27-04 08:43 I'm not sure how I got "invited" to this discussion, but I wish I had joined a similar one when I was trying to decide about my life's partner in the late sixties. Back then I thought of myself as a recovering Christian fundamentalist. I regretted an early decision I made not to marry a Catholic, then fell in love with a man who considered himself a "nonreligious Jew." Very well, I thought, I'll be a nonreligious Christian. We had a daughter and gave her no religious training. However, she has a surname that anyone would recognize as Jewish. In New York City, this is not uncommon, I might add. Time went by, and although religion was never an issue, the marriage had other insurmountable problems. By the time I divorced after 14 years, I felt "Jewish" in some vague way. I also felt guilty about failing to give my daughter any religious instruction. When my parents died, I was surrounded by the love of their Baptist church members, and realized I needed a spiritual community. I had not believed for many years that only faith in Jesus would get you to heaven, but I did experience the divine in ways my ex-husband had not. No one yet has mentioned the decision I made: to become a Unitarian-Universalist. In my congregation are many families of mixed religious heritage. We hold seders and offer Christian communion, celebrate Chanukah, Kwanza and Christmas. Since 9-11, we have attracted new members of Arab descent. Many UU congregations are essentially humanist. Some have large Buddhist contingents. Ours is Judeo-Christian historically, but there is a healthy debate going on now about whether we worship "in the spirit of Jesus" (who, after all, was Jewish) and what that means. Recently, I spent a day with a woman who is president of a Reform Jewish congregation with a lesbian rabbi. We discussed ways in which we have sought to marry our liberal poltical beliefs with a viable religion, and we agreed that is important to find a spiritual home. I believe that people with orthodox religious views of any sort probably should not compromise them, but the rest of us have a different task: that of demonstrating that there is a way to live spiritually without insisting on our own truth. What about my daughter? She is UU, but attends a congregation that is not so "Christian." She has been adopted by her father's girlfriend's Jewish family, and her last boyfriend was of mixed Christian-Jewish heritage. She's a terrific young woman, and if she finds a nice Jewish husband, you won't hear any complaints from me.

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Re: Lauren Chacker

Author: suzanne blay  Date:   09-03-04 18:21 I totally agree with what you are saying, I myself have marriage a jewish man and being Catholic (non practicing)well it was an easy decision to raise our daughter in the Jewish faith. We have gone as far as to inroll her in a Jewish day school for Kindergarten, I can not express how strongly I feel about about the beliefs of the Judaic faith it over whelms me at times and currantly I am in the process of convertion. Myself being a non practicing Catholic did not even enter into our relationship until we had agreed to get married and then and only then did we run into problems with finding someone to marry us a good old justice of the peace sign our marriage certificate with no questions asked. Thank you Suzanne Blay

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Re: baptism of new baby

Author: mary jane  Date:   09-17-04 10:06 Greetings, My Jewish husband and I are expecting twins. I am Roman Catholic. We have decided to raise our children as Catholics. Should I invite and expect his family to attend the babies' baptisms? My husband has three Jewish children, ages 15,20 and 23 from a previous marriage. Thank you for any input. Mary Jane

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Re: Too Late: Need Advice

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Re: article

Author: Ann Mitchell  Date:   09-23-04 11:58 I am a practicing Catholic and fully follow the teachings of the Church in regard to the teachings on abortion, birth control, and premarital sex. This means that I do not believe that abortion, birth control and premarital sex are ok. My boyfriend is Jewish and has different beliefs regarding these issues. My boyfriend believes that premarital sex, abortion and birth control are ok. We recently started discussing the concept of what would happen if we married and had children. He would insist that the children were raised Jewish and that I would convert to become a Jew. Is that common that a man would insist that children would be raised Jewish? Does the Jewish faith teach that children really must be raised as Jews even when the mother is a committed Catholic? I cannot convert to become a Jew since I really fully believe in Catholicism. Thank you, Ann

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Re: Ann Mitchell's Post

Author: BobP  Date:   09-24-04 12:13 <<Does the Jewish faith teach that children really must be raised as Jews even when the mother is a committed Catholic?>> Absolutely NO! Ann, IMHO you really need to evaluate this relationship. Each of you want something the other is not prepared go give. He wants Jewish children. Judaism believes (with some exceptions that are not importatant to this discussion) that to be Jewish, one must be born of a Jewish mother or properly converted. In other words, if you do not convert, your children will not be Jews even if the father is Jewish. And as you stated, you are a committed Catholic. You could not convert (nor should you) under these circumstances. It's not so much that you believe differently about abortion, birth control, etc. My wife and I don't agree on some things. But you want Catholic children, he wants Jewish children (with a Jewish wife). I think that says it all. Unless that changes, there's no "solution". It's better to realize these things before marriage and children, where you're getting ready for the baptism and he's getting ready for a bris. Good Luck Bob

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Re: Too Late: Need Advice

Author: Maressa  Date:   09-27-04 18:12 After doing some research on jewish-christian relationships and marriage, I found myself absorbed in this dialouge. I am a 26 year old spriritual, christian-based woman at the painful cross-roads with my loving, caring, honest, loyal, intelligent boyfriend of nearly one year--he is about to be 31 next month. Our meeting each other was by no means chance...it was, I believe a divine meeting. Both of our lives and hearts have been touched and enriched by each other. Our relationship suddenly advanced at my younger brother's wedding, and the gnawing issue of how would we raise children had to be addressed...although both of us were trying to delay the issue. My boyfriend had long dated only christian women, told me flat-out he was most likely not going to marry a jewish woman so I had assumed who he chose to marry was more important than how he would choose to raise his children. We attended Yom Kippur services this weekend (which I found beautiful). When we confronted the issue, both of us came to understand we each wanted our children raised in our own faith (both of us respect each other's religion and would gladly teach the alternate faith/traditions to our children) We both shed tears over this...my heart is aching and I am in such pain. We know the only really healthy way to raise children is rooted in one faith or the other. Both want our faith to be the one. There simply does not seem to be a solution and my heart so hurts...we are both losing partner, dearest friend, lover....It baffles me that this can occur...over what should be so beautiful--ways to praise and worship God...what about love? Both sets of parents are truly open and supportive of us---my parents and his parents want first and foremost for us to be happy and have a healthy partnership. The one thing I have found to be a beautiful, helpful resouce is the Shared Heart Foundation by Barry and Joyce Vissell (he is Jewish, she is Christian). Their site, workshops and books are definitely to be explored by others facing this choice that life hurdles our way...as it is about shared spirituality and love Any words of advice, support or suggestions would be so appreciated!

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looking toward the longer future

Author: Maressa  Date:   09-28-04 00:55 I recently posted to the discussion...and I am wondering if Jewish-Christian unions, (once like protestant-catholic, or Italian-Polish, or any other marriage of differences that today is not even glanced at or struggled with) will ever evolve to that same level of acceptance? Or is there something fundamentally difficult to resolve that will cause struggle and potential pain for generations and generations of couples attempting this union in the future? I guess I struggle with the "why?" of it all. Maressa

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Re: Thank you Bob

Author: Ann Mitchell  Date:   09-29-04 10:19 Thank you Bob: I just want to say thank you Bob for your response. My boyfriend and I have decided to end our romantic relationship and remain as friends. While we both liked each other and respected each other so much, we both have a strong desire to raise children in our seperate faiths. I think it is easier when one person is not strongly committed to a specific religion, that way there can be more compromise. God bless you and all on this posting, Ann

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Paternal Descent

Author: Brian  Date:   09-29-04 16:33 I am new to this forum. I came across it while looking for resources on raising children in an interfaith relationship. I wanted to point out a misconception that I think has been posted many times. Although it is true in the traiditional Jewish world that only children born of Jewish mothers are considered Jewish, this is no longer the case in the Reform movement. Couples should be aware the reform movement views a person Jewish if they were born from either a Jewish mother or father as long as they are raised as Jews.

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interfaith dating-his parents don't accept me

Author: jessica  Date:   10-06-04 04:41 Hi. I'm 25 years old and have been dating a 26 year old Jewish man for about a year now. I was baptized in the Roman Catholic Church, but have not been confirmed through my own decision. I have a strong belief in God and monotheism and piece many aspects of different religions together to form my system of beliefs. My boyfriend is from a very religious Jewish family, but he does not really know what he believes as far as religion is concerned. Though he does observe holiday traditions and keeps kosher. I am much more religious and spirtiual than he is, and have actually encouraged him to become more involved in his faith as I admire many aspects of it. Unfortunately, his parents have not been so nice to me. I'm assuming it is because I am not Jewish or maybe the color of my skin--I don't really know. They don't know what I believe. They have never spoken to me, although they have often been in the same places as me. I have often felt a negative vibe from them when they notice I am in the vacinity. I have spoken to my boyfriend many times about this and he has not offered any solution. He just tells me to ignore them-"they don't know about what we feel for each other." It has brought me to tears many, many times, because I cannot even fathom why they cannot at least tell me that they don't like me because of what I was baptized as or at least look at me and smile-just something to acknowledge me. They have even been trying to set him up with "nice Jewish girls" when they know we are together. It hurts because I am his bestfriend and have helped him become a better person (so he tells me). And everyone else seems to really love me- his friends and people close to his family as well as his siblings. His friends have told me to force him to take me to one of their Shabbat meals and face them. The problem is I don't like to invite myself anywhere, but I have asked him to take me, yet he has not actually said "come over this Friday to meet my folks." I don't know if he is scared of them or me or what will happen. I'm not scared of his parents but I think he is scared or being disowned. Can people really be that horrible? I don't really know what to do. Should I invite myself? Should I end our relationship because he is not doing anything to help change this? Is this a doomed relationship? Someone please help me. This is really hurting my feelings of self worth.

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My Jewish Dilemma

Author: Doug  Date:   10-11-04 23:01 I am 27, and my girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months, and we are getting quite serious. Marriage questions have aroused. The problem is that I'm Reform Jewish and she is Catholic. I am reform and rarely go to services. I am not very religious (mainly I go to just the high Holiday services), but right now it is fine if my wife would be Catholic. However, the problem is that we are also discussing children. I am very much in love with her, but she has strongly held beliefs about raising her kids Catholic. She wants her kids to go to Catholic Sunday school. From what she says, they can only be admitted into Sunday school if they have had a baptism. Are there any "meeting half-way" options in rasing a child with both a Jewish and Catholic background? What is the negotiating room to raise a child both Jewish and Catholic? Any help would be great. I truly love this woman and this is such an obstacle. Thank you for any help from each of your experiences.

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catholic and baptist

Author: mary  Date:   10-20-04 20:10 Hi I am catholic and my fiance is baptist, we both are practicing our religion. We'd like to have kids one day and do not know what religion our kids should be without either of us feeling resentment or without confusing our kids. Is there any compromise??

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Interfaith issues and keeping Kosher

Author: Margarita  Date:   10-22-04 13:52 I just read the article posted on the latest IFF.com newsletter and was impressed with the author coming to some important decisions about how to live an interfaith family life. I was, however, surprised about the pork on Christmas Eve. If she is going to keep a kosher home and her children are going to go to a Jewish Day School, won't the eating of pork feel to the children like a huge discrepency given that they will be raised in a Kosher Jewish home? I would like to ask Teresita Levy this question, but perhaps others have opinions about this. My concern is not the issue of kosher or not kosher, or participating in interfaith family traditions, it is how the children, who will be Jewish, will understand the apparent violation of what they are being taught in all other areas of their lives.

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Re: Interfaith issues and keeping Kosher

Author: Teresita Levy  Date:   10-23-04 10:04 Hola Margarita, Thank you for your message! I think you will find wildly different opinions about the kosher issue. Our hope is that we will be able to present our interfaith family to our future children as a reason for celebration and not a violation of a tradition. My husband (yes, we got married - but that's another article!) and I decided long ago that we would keep kosher in our home but not outside of our home. This way, we could keep our home as a special place where we are committed to a Jewish lifestyle, but we would also be able to fully participate in our complex interfaith world. My husband's family would be able to enjoy food prepared in our kitchen and we would be able to visit all of my family without bringing our own food. Inconsistent, yes; but this was another area of our life that we felt we could negotiate and come to an agreement on. So far, this has worked very well for us. My family understands that our home is kosher, and that we have to make some modifications to traditional Puerto Rican fare if we want to enjoy it at home. My mother, who is a caterer, thinks the 2 sets of pots/pans/dishes/etc. is incredibly complicated, but she says this purely from a professional cook trying to make sense of the physical space in a kitchen. She has become fond of calling and telling me how I can change this recipe or that one so that we can take out the dairy and use if for a meat meal (or vice versa). Yes, I think that enjoying food in Puerto Rico (or in other countries) will be complex. One of our running jokes is imagining the day when our future child will say "you mean YOU don't go to Puerto Rico for Christmas???" and the concern followed by a phone call from a well-meaning teacher. We can joke about it, but we know that it will be an issue for them, especially if we stay in our neighbordhood in Brooklyn, which becomes more Orthodox every day. We have found a wonderful community of people who are open to interfaith families and we have become involved in a synagogue that runs a day school. Both of our parents always tell us that kids learn more by what they see their parents do than what they tell them. We are taking this advice to heart and hope that by living (and loving) a joyful, inclusive life, full of challenges but rewarding, they will learn to do the same. I truly believe that if we are clear with our children, just as we have been with both of our families, about our choices and our lifestyle, they will understand, even if they do not like it. I'm not sure if I answered your question - mostly because I don't have an answer! This is one of those issues that we know we will visit again and again and will have to explain over and over. Can't wait!!! Teresita

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Re: Interfaith issues and keeping Kosher

Author: Margarita  Date:   10-25-04 09:28 Dear Teresita, Thanks for your reponse. I recognize this complex nature of interfaith relationships, myself having recently converted and my husband remaining Christian. Although I am making small movements toward a more kosker home, (eliminating pork, not mixing dairy and meat at the same meal), it will be virtually imposible to completely convert my kitchen, unless I want my husband to absent himself from the kitchen. (He can't clarify which towel is the hand towel vs the dish towel, I can't imagine he could ever remember which dishes/pots, etc are dairy and which are meat. I can certainly understand making the choice to keep kosher in the home, but not outside it. These are choices that all Jews make, nowadays I think that all Jews are Jews by choice, even though some of my more Orthodox friends may not like that characterization. Thanks for the response. I wish you much success in negotiating Latino/Jewish life. I just returned from a research trip to Cuba, where my father's family is from, studying the resurgence of Jewish life and practice there. It was great to see how Cuban Jewish life is just as much a negotiation as here in the U.S.

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Re: Interfaith Children

Author: Samuel  Date:   10-26-04 21:57 Hello, I have enjoyed reading this thread and wanted to tell my story in hopes that it might address some readers’ situation. I am technically Christian and my wife is Jewish. We have been together for many years and recently had a son. When we found out that we were to be parents we discussed the religious question and came to an amicable agreement. Our son is to be raised Jewish. Told about all other religions and we will celebrate Christmas non-religiously because Daddy loved Santa Claus as a kid and he think Christmas Trees are beautiful. J I personally do not believe in any form of organized religion. I attended a Baptist Church as a child. That experience combined with my observations of the world around me and a staunch belief in Science led me to the conclusion that organized religion, at least for me, was a completely irrelevant issue. I do have a faith in something higher but I do not know what it is. It is so personal to me that I have a hard time trying to explain it to someone else. It’s more of a gut feeling than anything else I suppose. That is enough for me at this time in my life. Should that fact ever change for me I have consummate faith that by putting all things second to the love I feel for my family will see us through. Come Heaven, Hell, Judaism or Community I have been blessed with real and enduring love. Having that as a basis for our family before marriage, before children is all that was necessary in my opinion. All the rest is external and in large part, window dressing. My Wife is very subtle in her beliefs yet I know that they run deep. I love my wife and respect what works for her. Also, since traditional Jewish Law states that if the mother of a child is Jewish then they are to be considered a Jew allowed my decision on the topic to be a “Slam Dunk“. Regardless of what dogma you adhere to or what style of building you do it in, I believe that the tenants of a good human being are the same. The "devil in the detail" issues have never affected my beliefs and I hope they will not affect our son. No matter what...I love my wife and son more than anything in the world and there in lies the wellspring of our strength. Best wishes, Samuel

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Re: Interfaith marriage

Author: Monica  Date:   11-08-04 23:43 My name is Monica, and I went searching through google to find a site to help me with this very similar subject of discussing inter-faith marriages and raisng children. I have been involved with the most wonderful man for the past 2 years and we are discussing marriage. I am jewish and am loyal to my religion, and he is christian and is also loyal. The one thing that we cannot agree on is the raising of the kids. I know that I want to raise my children jewish, and i do agree that you must raise a child one way, but explain that the other parent is another religion, so we celebrate these holidays, but they are not our holidays. My boyfriend thinks we can just raise them both, but I do not agree with that. It just seems like a shame to brake off a relationship that is so ideal to both of us because of this issue. But, it is an iportant issue. I have read a lof of your comments, and It has put my mind to ease to see other people struggling with this and working through this. I just notice that everything that I have read has been a couple that has one dominanat religion for the child. Has anyone ever done it different? any advise or suggestions would help. Thanks, Monica

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Re:

Author: Stacey  Date:   11-29-04 13:17 Hi, I am currently in a interfaith relationship we are both college students. I am a reform Jew and he is Lutheran. We have been dating for 8 months and very much in love. We have talked about having children after we get married and what faith they would follow. Each of us would like them to follow our own faith but learn and be involved with the other one. He has brought up the idea about raising them in both religions. I feel like that will confuse any children we will have. Is it possible to raise the children both? My mother is Jewish and my father is Catholic so I am a child from an interfaith marriage. My father's family really did not accept my mom, my brother and myself. My boyfriend has said if his family was to be rude he would cut them off. That is not what I want. I have meet and spent time with his family and would want them to be involved in the child's life. I feel so confused. One part of me says that I love him so much that I should walk away and let him find someone else even though it would break both of our hearts. (And it pains me so much to think of that because he means the world to me.) He says it will work out. I feel so overwhelmed and need some advice.

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Re: Stacey's dilemma

Author: Rosie  Date:   11-29-04 14:26 Stacey, It is confusing to children to be raised in two religions, especially two religions that contradict each other as much as Reform Judaism and Lutheran Christianity. Lutherans are pretty set in the notion that their church is the only true religion, and although they may accept your and your children's half-Jewish ethnicity, they will really never think that what you believe is quite good enough for God. I know you really want to stay with this boyfriend. He is right that it will work out. It may not be quite what you expect right now, though. The fact that you are in college and you can love this boyfriend tells me that you are capable of falling in love again. There is more to marriage and family life than an intense romantic feeling that is 8 months old. Even if your heart breaks, it can still mend. I'm sure you can find someone more appropriate for you and love him even more some day than you love this Lutheran guy.

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Re: Carolyn

Author: Darcy  Date:   11-29-04 15:36 Carolyn, My advice to you would be to ask the tough question, "do you have any intention of marrying me?" Having been in this situation myself, I have found that dating and marriage are very different things to conservative Jews. Unless you have an engagement ring in your finger, you may just be keeping the seat warm for someone else, someone Jewish. You may be putting yourself through all this worry for nothing. Sorry.

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Re:

Author: Nicole  Date:   11-29-04 18:28 I have read all of the e-mails on on this topic and have found a few that are very similar to my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. I am a reformed Jew and he is Protestant. I have told him almost from the beginning that I could not be with him if we could not raise our children Jewish. In my eyes raising my children Jewish involve having a bris if it is boy, sending them to Hebrew School, having a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, lighting the menorah, learning about the Holocaust, and going to synagouge on the High Holidays. I have no objection to my children learning about Christianity, celebrating all the holidays, having a Christmas tree, and I would even accept going to church on Christmas with boyfriend's family if it is important to him. I am not religious but I am a very proud Jew who is proud of my heritage and I want to help carry on the Jewish religion. I feel that there are so few Jewish people left in the world that I would be shaming myself and my family if I was the cause of one less Jewish person in the world. At first my boyfriend was very ambivalent and said he was unsure if he could raise his children Jewish but he was okay wit the traditions because he was around so many Jewish children that he felt he knew a lot about the relgion. He made me feel like it would be okay and it wasn't a big deal to him. At this point I said that I could wait until he was ready to make a decsion. However, I have a gift for harping. One day he came to me and told me he had serious reservations about having Jewish children. We almost broke up but I resisted and thought maybe we could give it some time since he said he was unsure. Although, part of me knew that I was making excuses in hopes that he would change his mind I felt that it was partly my fault for pressuring him into an answer so soon. We decided or I came up with the idea for a deadline to discuss the issues and if we can work it out great and if not our relationship would come to an end. Well our deadline has come and I was feeling great about our relationship. We are both very in love and I have never been happier than I am when I am with him. I thought for sure that it would work out and we would be together forever. When we had the conversation he said that he wants it to be 50/50. It sounds so fair and logical but it wasn't what I wanted, it wasn't what I told him I wanted. It wasn't that he wanted to include anything from his religion that I couldn't handle but he said he doesn't think he could be comfortable with his child having Bar or Bat Mitzvah. He says he doesn't want to do anything to confirm any relgion with a religious ceremony. I know that he is comprmising a lot too but I feel that this is wrong and a child needs to belong to a faith and obviousvly I want it to be mine. When my children are 18 they can decide what they want but I think as parents we should decide their religion. My heart is breaking right now. On one hand I feel that how can you give up someone that you love so much over a bar-mitzvah. If something happened to him or me I know that I would be devastated and I would feel like I lost part of my heart. If I gave up on us I would be doing it volunterally though not because of a tragic accident. I can't decide what is more important to me? I also feel jealous because I have friends and relatives that entered or are entering into an interfaith marriage and their boyfriends and husbands willingly agreed to raise the children Jewish. Does my boyfriend not value me as much? Then again I am having a hard time letting go of religious aspects of my life. I always told my family that I would never marry a non-jew, if my children could not be Jewish. Now I am thinking of giving part of that up. Does this make me a liar and a dissaponitment. My family always says that my happiness is the most important but of course they want there grandchildren to be Jewish. Then I think about his parents would feel. Although, he is not religious his mom is very dedicated to her church and her values. I don't want to hurt anyone including myself. How do I make this descion?

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Re: Nicole's Post

Author: BobP  Date:   11-30-04 18:30 <<I also feel jealous because I have friends and relatives that entered or are entering into an interfaith marriage and their boyfriends and husbands willingly agreed to raise the children Jewish. Does my boyfriend not value me as much?>> Nicole - it is not a matter that your boyfriend does not value you. It is that his religion is very important to him - as yours is to you. In some cases, the religious beliefs of one partner is not important to them. So they might have no problem with their partners' religion being "predominant". That does not appear to be the case in your relationship. At least he's been honest with you. He could tell you what you want to hear. And then when the baby comes, it's "I changed my mind. I want the baby baptized". So you'll need to decide what you want as you go forward. Please do not think that "love conquers all" and that he'll "come around". Either accept what he has told you, or (and I know this is very difficult) end your relationship. Good Luck Bob

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Re: Nicole's Post

Author: Nicole  Date:   12-01-04 11:52 Bob- Thank you very much for your advice. What I need now more than anything is advice and guidance. I don't want to talk to my family about it because I know they will be bias and I don't want them to know how much I am hurting now because it will only hurt them. I think that I know what you are saying is true and that I have always known. However, it really is difficult to give up your happiness now for the future although it is the responsible thing to do. I have been telling my boyfriend for the past couple of days that the right thing is probably to break up so we don't cause any more harm but I can't bring myself to do it. I asked him why he doesn't find the need to break up with me. I said we can't come to an agreement about how we want to raise our children therefore how can we have a future. He keeps saying that we will explore more options and we will think of something. He says that he loves me so much that we shouldn't break up. When he says this it makes so much sense to me; it even helps me make light of the situation and we wind up making jokes. I do this to hide my pain and confusion. It doesn't seem like he ever wants to end our relationship but yet we still can't agree. 100%. I would say right now we agree 90%. I to don't want to end the relationship either but I am trying to be more realistic about the situation.

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Re:

Author: BobP  Date:   12-01-04 15:14 <<He keeps saying that we will explore more options and we will think of something.>> It seemed to me you have explored the options. You previously wrote <<It wasn't that he wanted to include anything from his religion that I couldn't handle but he said he doesn't think he could be comfortable with his child having Bar or Bat Mitzvah. He says he doesn't want to do anything to confirm any relgion with a religious ceremony.>> He is basically saying he wants his children raised in his religion - or none at all - and at most would acknowlege Judaism as part of their ethnicity. <<When we had the conversation he said that he wants it to be 50/50.>> A lot of things in a relationship can be 50/50. If he likes the mountains and you like the ocean, you could vacation in the mountains one year and the ocean the next. But what would 50/50 be when you're talking about religion? This (year/week/month) they're Christian and the next they're Jewish? No one can tell you what to do. But like I said before, go forward with your eyes open and do not expect him to change his mind. I'm not saying he won't, but if you proceed thinking he will, you could eventually become angry that he's doing just what he said he would. I hope that makes sense to you. Good Luck Bob

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Re: Nicole's Post

Author: Maressa  Date:   12-01-04 19:41 Dear Nicole, It was amazing to read your email, because it was the mirror image of my situation (only I was the female Christian, my boyfriend the male Jew) -My previous email was from 9/27. I feel my own pain from reading what you are going through. In a hopeful, idealistic way we (especially as women) feel that love indeed, does, conquer all. I questioned and questioned how the ways in which we show our worship and love to God can divide and cause such misery. I truly believed the person I was dating was meant for me--he had all the traits I thought I wanted in a partner. The reality is, for those of us that are struggling NOW (before marriage, children) about religion, we are the ones who religion, faith, spriituality matter very much to us (more than we even know). Also, as women, when we meet someone that is great, we wonder if we leave this relationship if we will ever find someone with such good qualities again. I can only share my story, and maybe it can help to add insight to your situation. After 2 brutal, painful, horribly sad months of deciding, my ex-boyfriend and I ended. And we had to end with no contact. Let me tell you, the pain was the worst I have ever felt! Yet hope and beauty and light are always around the corner. Through my experience I grew so much closer to God, and I learned a lot about myself. I have actually met a man who is the very same religion as me and we SHARE not only in faith, prayer, and spirituality,but in religious ritual. It is SO BEAUTIFUL and Wonderful! You know how people say when you meet the right person, you just know---well this is the case! Those of us that struggle so in inter-faith relationships are the ones who maybe should ponder how much our own faith means to us. We are the ones who deep down in our souls long to have a spriritual partner, and yearn to truly SHARE in the beauty of common religion and tradition. Comparing what I have and share now with a man of my own religion, the experience is SO MUCH RICHER and MORE INTIMATE and FULFILLING! This is not the case for all people. but often for those of us who truly care about our sense of faith. I can't believe it now, but I am grateful I did not end up in my past intefaith relationship, because I didn't know what depth of spirituality was possible. For those of us who care deeply about our faith, I believe FAITH often should be our #1 focal point of desicions...because what is greater and more central in our lives than our faith in God? Lastly, if you have a feeling in your gut (maybe a feeling of anxiety or uneasiness, a twinge) LISTEN to that! If you pray, put your heart into your prayers and ask for wisdom. With compassion, Maressa

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Re: Changing your mind after getting engaged

Author: Robert S.  Date:   12-01-04 22:05 I am a Jew, and my wife is catholic. We converted our three children, and she has great respect for my/our religion. When we became engaged I made it clear that I needed to raise my children as Jews, and she agreed, with two stipulations: 1)I actually do it, and teach them to respect her faith; and 2) that if I do not follow through, she will raise them as catholics. We have both kept our promises, and my children were converted at birth, and then with a mikvah. My children respect their mom's religion, and their mom always enjoys going with us to temple. My wife has learned about Judaism with my children, and would make a fine Jew if it weren't her beliefs in Jesus and his importance. If she had said no when I asked her to marry me, I would be alone or with someone else. She enjoys the respect, and acknowledges and adores the importance of her role in Judaism. She finds it very comfortable, and likes the latitude that catholicism lacks (in her opinion). I am very lucky- except she wonders how we made it this far without a more exciting cuisine. My brother is married to a catholic woman who has no respect for his religion- it isn't pretty. They tried providing an education in both religions, but it didn't work- none of us know anyone who has done it successfully for 5+ years. It can be hard to win over the ones we love to Judaism (takes a lot of time to dispell the myths and rumors), but we cannot give up; our ancestors suffered so very much to keep us going- hopw can we let that die? Good luck to us all, and happy holidays to all faiths.

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Re: Maressa's Post/Raising Children

Author: Kristin  Date:   12-02-04 21:26 I am struggling with a relationship similar to Maressa's where I am the Christian female and my boyfriend is Jewish. We both feel that what we have some people don't find in a lifetime and can't imagine being happier with anyone else. I have a strong faith, go to church pretty regularly and he attends synagogue mostly on the high holidays and has strong ties to his family and Jewish traditions. He was raised in a kosher home with conservative views. He cannot picture his children not being Jewish and I cannot fathom my children not knowing anything about Jesus. However I believe that children need to have one identity that they can cling to being that faith/religion is so instrumental to a child's self esteem, personal development, and where they fit in life. Which is why I would tend to lean away from raising children "both" ways equally (alternating weekly: church, synagogue, church, synagogue would seem to be confusing). It's just that because my faith is so important to me, I cannot in good conscience raise my children without somewhat of a Christian exposure as well. I'm not exactly sure what defines "Christian exposure" but I do know that to me, it would consist of more than simply telling them what I believe one time only when they reached an age where they could understand. I don't know what the appropriate way to do this would be to ensure that they are entirely clear on what I believe and it is a part of their life to some degree, but without totally mixing them up and confusing them (thus in essence raising them "both" ways). Not to mention making them feel as if they would have to choose between "mommy" or "daddy's" religion/holidays. I would be willing to fully endorse keeping a kosher home, Hebrew school, keeping Shabbat, bris, etc. pretty much raising them Jewish. Do you have any suggestions?

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Re: "Christian vs. Jewish faiths"

Author: Jennifer Cohen  Date:   12-10-04 11:33 My husband and I have been married for 5 years. I am a convert to judaism; was raised in a non-practicing catholic house. We are expecting a baby and are wondering how to celebrate the christian holidays (really just christmas) with my family without making her feel left out and without making to big of a deal regarding the distinctions regarding whose holiday it is and is not. It is important that our daughter understand that she is jewish, but is also important that she feel included and comfortable celebrating holidays with the rest of her family. My family is very accepting of my conversion, however, they do not think of Christmas as a religious holiday and although they understand that we as a family celebrate other holidays, they also assume that we also celebrate Christmas. Is there a way it to not be a big deal? I just want everyone to be comfortable and happy and spend the day together as a family, just as we will do n the jewish holidays. Thanks in advance.

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What to name our child

Author: Rachel  Date:   12-11-04 22:00 I am almost through my first trimester of pregnancy with my first child and for the past 2 months my non-Jewish, fiercely agnostic husband and I have been arguing about baby names. He hates the idea of giving our child a biblical name and I hate the idea of giving our child one of the names he likes, among them Merle and Emmett. I want my child to feel like my child too and would rather name him or her Max or Ida (neither of them biblical names) than a name that feels to me to be patently non-Jewish. We have been fighting all the time about this. He feels that it is hypocritical of me to want a Jewish or biblical name when I do not go to synagogue regularly. I want our child to consider him or herself Jewish and to me a name is a pretty big indicator! And then there's the whole circumcision debate. I am almost inclined to find out the gender (even though it goes against my innate traditionalism) just so we can figure this out!! He is furious that he was circumcised and considers it a form of barbarism. I am really on the fence.

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get back together?

Author: Jill  Date:   12-12-04 10:33 Well I am posting this on as a last resort. I am Jewish and dated a Roman Catholic for 3 and a half years and we broke up because we were talking about in long run and kids and we couldn't solve our children's religion. I am a religious person as is my ex boyfriend. We never really stopped talking and the only reason we broke up is because of the religion issue. We are considering getting back together but how will this issue change and can it work. We both have strong feelings for each other and still have a broken heart. Is it possible to have children in both religions?

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Re: Jill's Post

Author: BobP  Date:   12-12-04 21:27 Jill As you pointed out, you dated for over 3 years, and broke up because of the issue of how children would be raised. <<Is it possible to have children in both religions?>> I think you know the TRUE answer. If it were, this would not be a big problem. Good Luck Bob

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Re: get back together?

Author: Maressa  Date:   12-15-04 13:07 Hi Jill, I agree with Bob--think of how much of an issue and problem this is in your life now (pre marriage, pre children) I know you feel heartbroken and that you could never find someone else... These issues will never go away and there seems to be no magic solution. Interfaith seems to work when at least one member is ambivelent about their religion...when both parties care and religion is important (like you and your boyfriend), then interfaith relationships are very very difficult. You will heal and you will meet new people!

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Re:

Author: Sharon  Date:   12-15-04 17:57 I am married to a non practicing Catholic. He is accepting of my religion..and has improved over the years in that area. But I truly wish I had married a Jewish man instead. His mother is very unaaccepting, and has said a couple of innapropriate remarks in the past. But the main reason is that I am in this all by myself. My husband does reluctantly come to temple dinners, but that is about it. Also...my kids do not have any Jewish relatives besides my parents and my two aunts. My brother and sister both intermarried and are raising Catholic children, so all thier cousins are Christian. I would love to have an extended Jewish family to celebrate holidays with,ect. I urge anyone that has doubts to reconsider an intermarriage. It is not easy..and my kids are missing out on the joy of a big family seder. Luckily,our temple is active. But it still does not replace family.

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Re: Please join this discussion

Author: sammi  Date:   12-17-04 02:45 Hello, I am writing today because I have been dating a wonderful Jewish guy who came into my life shortly after my father died. I am Christian and he knew that from the start, my boyfriend is orthodox. My first question to him after our friendship took a turn into deeper feelings was will there be a problem for you or you family knowing I am not going to convert, and he said no. Well it is now 10 months we are dating and we have had our ups and downs as a couple, but not because of religion, because we are normal and normal means in any relationship you will have dissagreements. We are realistic that in order for this to work love is the foundation, but we must also bulid the layers of the relationship. I have actively been learning about his religion and he had done the very same. His father and sister have given us his blessings to get married, as for his mom I don't know because his parnets are divorced and he is not too close to his mom. I am actively working on that by encouraging him to try to reach out to his mom. If anything I am hoping as you read this you will see that what I am trying to say is this, God onlys knows why we fall in love with the people in our lives, and your heart cannot help who it loves, so when you love someone you have to learn the word COMPROMISE. Even in the same religion familes you have problems, what needs to be established from the start is a game plan, so that if marriage is in the future you don't have to worry. I am not going to convert when we get married because my faith is very important to me,and I do not want my boyfriend to change who he is, you see we fell inlove with each other for who we are and who we are is a product of our strong religious background and wonderful families. I will not lie and say I go to church because I used to go all the time and stopped because I never really found a church where I felt the truth was being peached, so my boyfriend and I decided that when we have children they will be raised as jews, but will have understanding to my faith because I can not exclude my family from our children, nor would my boyfriend want to. Roght now we both actively celebrate both jewish and christian holidays. His family lives in Israel and when Hanukkah started I sent them flowers and called to let them know that I care. You see what you put out in any relationship is what you get back and even more if you do from your heart. I am not a silly girl and believe that life is perfect, but I know that when the bumps in the road hits us we will be somewhat prepaired. And for what is beyond our control this is what God is for to guide us and protect us. We have both have wonderful families, and have wonderful Pastor and Rabbi to turn to to help us along the way. To all those who are feeling down or there is no hope I say to you put your faith in God and in the person you love and never gove up, ask questions, if you are non jewish then reach out to the community, to the rabbi's and tell them you need their help. Some will help you and some will say they do not believe in it, but you know what if you are determined you will with god's grace and blessings find the answers you need. Good or bad you will find the answers. God Bless you all, and I will end this by saying, all religions haave but 1 GOD, we are all Children of God, and how dissapointed he must feel whe we don't all try to embrace the fact that we are sisters and brothers. We all bleed red blood when we cut, and we all breath the same air to live. I would think in the times of terroism we would join closer together to bring peace and show the small minded people of the world that god created us all differnt for a reason, if we were all the same how boring it would be. A rainbow was God's promise to us and you know what makes a rainbow the most beautiful all the colors that blend beautifully. The all have their own color to set them apart, but when put togther wow what beauty. God Bless you all. 25 and Still Learning

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Raising two kids, different religions?

Author: Michael  Date:   12-20-04 19:06 Please help! I'm Jewish, my girl friend is a not very religious christian. She is divorced from a Catholic, and has an 8 year old child (living with us) who is Christian. We've since had a son together (2 years old), who we agreed to raise Jewish. But now, there's Christmas for one kid and Chanuka for the other. There's the question of raising each exclusively in their respective religion while maintaining the equality that most children demand. My belief, based on a study I read, that if an interfaith couple raises their children with both religions, they will tend to not gain any religious identity at all... so it's best to select a religion and raise them with that. We did agree to raise the 2-year old as Jewish, and I don't want to confuse him with celebration of Christmas. What do we do, however, to not deny the 8-year old his Christian identity? Certainly, if we only had the 2-year old, we would not have any Christmas decorations. But is it fair and right for me to deny these to the 8-year old? Is it reasonable for us to have the 8-year old wear a kepa, light candles and say bruchas with us on Chanuka, or are we including him in the family? What about gifts? I want to give chanuka gifts to the kids on Chanuka. And don't want the 2-year old to get Christmas gifts. So do we give only the 2-year old Chanuka gifts on Chanuka, and only give Christmas gifts to the 8-year old on Christmas? Or do we give them both gifts on both occassions? I proposed that we deny Christmas in OUR home, and only celebrate Chanuka with gifts for both. Then, during Christmas, we go to my GF's parents home, and allow the kids to experience Christmas in their home... and receive gifts from their grandparents (but none from us). I did request that the 2-year old have a person's name associated with every gift... none from SANTA. My GF hated the idea. She has a Christian son, and wants to buy and give Christmas gifts to him on Christmas. She doesn't want to be unfair, so she also intends to buy Christmas gifts for the 2-year old on Christmas. She feels they should understand, be tolerant of, and accept each other's faith. So she wants us to give both of them Chanuka and Christmas gifts. Do you fine people have any advice on how we can raise two kids with different religions? Do you have any thoughts on fair and equitable, yet non-confusing ways to celebrate the Winter holidays? Looking forward to your input. Michael

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Re: get back together?

Author: Shalom  Date:   12-21-04 18:05 I've been married 25 years to a Italian women. We have 3 children. Our joke is that whatever they cant get wholesale, they steal! We were married by a priest and a rabbi. I should mentioned that I was raised as a Cardiac Jew (Jew at heart .... da dump ta!). I did have a Bar Mitzvah and celebrated the tradition of the Holidays. When our children were born we had them "blessed" by a priest and a rabbi with a celebration. We had a celebration with both sides of the family for the kids 13th Birthday. We are a very strong family unit on both sides. Within a 20 mile radius are over a combined 50 family members. My children have been enjoying sharing our religions. When some of their friends were having Bar-Bat Mitzvah they expressed interest to become a Bar Mitzvah boy. We explained what's involved as far as learning Hebrew and making a commitment, they opted against it. We knew this is how we were going to raise our children from when things started to get serious between us. It's working just fine thank you. We go to temple on the high holy days and church for Christmas and Easter. I would never make her give up something that was part of her nor she of me. Other are envious, not that we are able to share these special traditions with our children, but, of the love my wife and I have for each other .... and that's what it comes down to.

greetings

Author: Dan  Date:   01-13-05 00:20 Hello All, I am a new poster here...obviously. I am 23 years old, and have been dating a wonderful girl, who happens to be Roman Catholic. She is religious as many have you mentioned of your significant others. Church on Sundays, etc. I am Jewish, a "High Holiday" Jew. My girlfriend and I have discussed many of these issues and have come to the same comclusion as many others here have. We will raise our children Catholic, but have a strong Jewish cultural upbringing. Here's the dilema, mostly for the Jewish males here in my place. How have your parents/grandparents/family responded? My family is off the boat from Russia, Jewish, although not practicing really. They did not have a chance to be Jewish in Russia, which is one reason why it is important to them. (That, and the 'dying' Jewish race). How did you deal with the family?

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Re: Raising two kids, different religions?

Author: Kara  Date:   01-14-05 15:38 Hi Dan. I was searching the net for info on interfaith relationships. I came upon your post and I identify with you completely. My husband is a non practicing jew, only participates on high holidays and I am a Roman Catholic whom pretty much attends church on the holidays. My husband has a 13 yr old daughter whom just celebrated her Bat-Mitzvah, he has raised her with the help of his family since birth. Her mother is deceased. We now are married and have a 18 month old son, whom I felt pressured from my husbands family to have a Bris for. I thought I wanted to raise him Jewish but now my thoughts have changed. I want my son to be Catholic, I want him to attend a Catholic pre-school, grade school and eventually a Catholic High School, just as I did. My beliefs are stronger than ever with my religion and I want my son to have this in his life. My husband says that it is up to me. But I know his family will be outraged. I feel that I am treated differently because I am not Jewish and I dont want them to treat my son any different either. This is a hard situation. Now we will be raising two children, two different religions. We celebrate Christmas and Channukah and now that we have two children this is very difficult.....and very expensive. They get gifts for Channukah and Christmas. I pretty much need the same advice as you.

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