Relations With Inlaws - Page 1 - InterfaithFamily.com

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add your thoughts

Author: Ronnie (---.ne.mediaone.net)
Date: 10-17-01 09:32

Please add your thoughts.

parents and in-laws

Author: Melinda (---.ne.mediaone.net)
Date: 11-01-01 09:34

I'm sure I haven't done enough. When we're with my parents, I sense their disapproval of my husband, and so I withdraw from them to ally myself with my spouse. When we're with his parents, he does the same. As a result, we're sort of emotionally cut off from both families.

Does anyone have a better solution?

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New articles

Author: InterfaithFamily.com Editor (---.reonbroadband.com)
Date: 11-02-01 10:06

Please post your comments on the following articles here:
<a href="article/issue72/mello.phtml">Creating Our Own Religious Traditions and Helping Our Parents Adjust</a> By Rena Mello
<a href="article/issue72/paquette.phtml">Of Crucifixes, Latkes, and Overcoming Stereotypes</a> By Jennifer Paquette
<a href="article/issue72/mcmahon.phtml">Preventing Difference from Adding to Distance</a> By Teresa A. McMahon

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Melinda & In-law differences

Author: Judi (66.3.112.---)
Date: 11-04-01 01:03

Since my in-laws live in another state, I got the chance to observe how my spouse (then boyfriend) interacted with my secular Jewish parents. He was confident, friendly and warm, and respectful. He appeared to dance around the ackward moments and help everyone regain their balance. Needless to say, we're married, have a 5 year old daughter, and still have to 'dance' at times. However, I did as he did, and engendered myself to his family. I did not pretend to be someone I am not. I was confident, respectful, warm and friendly. They were impressed. Several of the extended family members have shared their feelings and have said it is my strength that gave them confidence that my husband and I were a good match. All in all, I know that they wish I were Christian so that they wouldn't worry about me in the "after-life", I openly ackowledge their concerns for me and don't get into the details of accepting Christ, etc.

By the way, our cultural differences are many (he is from the south, black, and his parents had minimal education - I am from L.A., white, and my parents went to college/university), yet most of OUR VALUES ARE THE SAME.

Good luck, maybe spend some more time 'dancing'!

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my story...

Author: Julie (204.0.181.---)
Date: 11-06-01 11:58

I think my husband (of one month) and I have done a much better job with his Catholic parents than we have with my Jewish parents. I think this is due in large part to the fact that he knew, well before I did, that we were getting engaged!! He could share the seriousness of our relationship with his family at a much earlier time than I felt comfortable doing with mine.

Regardless, my Jewish parents also tend to be much more suspicious of Christians while his parents are more curious about my Judaism. Unfortunately, my Jewish knowledge is not super-extensive so I often feel that his mom doesn't understand why we plan to raise our children Jewish. But I try to educate them and offer up any information I have.

Best example of how my family works was watching our wedding video last weekend with my mom. I said to my husband that we should have taken his mom to see a Jewish wedding before we had ours, just so she would be comfortable. My mom, ever on the defensive, jumped in and said, "why would you need to do that? there was absolutely nothing Jewish about the ceremony at all. This is the only Jewish thing about it -- the blessing over the wine." Meanwhile, his parents were with us under the chuppah, the rabbi was speaking in Hebrew, my husband broke the glass... I think that it's my fault. I'm much better at communicating with people other than my parents! I'm sure it makes things hard for them.

Here's the latest -- I know they're testing me. My family has been going on a family vacation over Christmas week for 20 years. For the past few years, we've changed the date because my Jewish brother-in-law was too busy at his law firm to go that week. My family decided, without me, that "it just wasn't fun" in January and they want to go Christmas week again. Of course, we want to join them but we can't skip Christmas - a religious holiday for his family, the only time they all get together, and the first time to be with his family as husband & wife - to go skiing with my parents.

We plan to celebrate all other holidays with my family so this is it for his side except occasionally Easter. We see my parents once a month but only visit his 2 or 3 times a year. (Also, my parents can pay for our tickets to visit them and his family can't. So my family is offering up this awesome trip, knowing I will have to say no.)

I explained to my mom that there is no way I can ever skip Christmas anymore and that, if they want it to be a family vacation, we may have to change the date or else my husband & I can't go. My sister, brother-in-law and their daughter are able to join my parents for the whole week. When I spoke to my mom about it, she used a lot of, "well, WE can all go" and "WE were bored over Christmas last year". I felt that was exclusionary but tried not to let my feelings get hurt. My husband and I are going to try to make it work by splitting the week, but it may not be possible (work, his family celebration, and the fact that my parents are renting the place through Saturday, not Sunday). I will be REALLY SAD if I can't join them because they picked Christmas week the first year after I married a Catholic guy.

I feel like they are acting out some sort of response to what they see as a betrayal of them, their religion, and their habits. I'm not sure how to handle them but maybe I'm reading them wrong. Any thoughts? Thanks and sorry for the rambling!!

-Julie

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Author: Jennifer (---.statestreet.com)
Date: 11-09-01 13:40

Relationships with in-laws and in-laws to be can always be difficult, then add in the different religions and it is a whole different ball game. I am living with my Jewish boyfriend and we do plan on getting married. He spends Christmas with my family every year since we started dating seriously. He views it as spending quality family time with my family and not so much that he is "celebrating" a Christian holiday. My family has been very welcoming to him and have never ONCE made a derogatory comment to me about him or his religion. His family towards me has been completely different.

His father has been "stand-offish" at best....he basically would ignore me-not speak to me or address me when I visit. That, however, has gotten better, as my boyfriend really had it out with his dad. His dad now seems to be making an effort to be friendly and nice. His mom was always very nice to me; however, behind my back is a diffferent story. She calls her grown son (my boyfriend) and questions him about me; what are we planning on doing? How can we be together if we are different religions?, are you sure this is what you really want?, how will you handle having family that is Christian? etc! Now this wasn't on one occassions he had to listen to her tyriad. Time will pass, and she will go over the same questions with him again, even though he already answered her concerns the first time.

The thing that really hurt my feelings was that she asked him what his plans were for Dec. 25th (this was last year) and she acted all surprised that he was going home with me to my parents for Christmas. I mean, what does she want my parents and family to convert too!!!! I don't think there is any harm in her son wanting to spend Christmas with his future in-laws. He doesn't go to church with them and he isn't worshipping the birth of Christ, rather he's just spending some special family time with my family. Her attitude seems to be fearful that her son will become Christian and that is not going to happen. He identifies very strongly with his Jewishness.

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Jewish sensitivity (Jennifer)

Author: Elie Aharon (---.cpinternet.com)
Date: 11-10-01 20:37

This is a difficult area for many Jews, Jennifer... there is a generally deep seated distrust of Christianity among most Jews. It's quite understandable once you "see Jewishly" for a while, but still not very constructive. The history of Jewish-Christian relations holds a lot of injury that needs to be constructively overcome.

For our part, we Jews have to take responsibility for our part of the problem. There is a kind of automatic reaction from many Jews to avoid the problem by avoiding intimacy in relationships with Christians. Seeing a Jewish son volunteer for such intimacy can evoke a habitual separatist reaction. It's a fear thing, and there's good reason for it historically, but I'd encourage you to not take it personally. It's probably not mostly about you or your partner specifically.

Most Christians are not conversion-centered; that comes as a surprise to many Jews who have mostly experienced/heard about evangelical, proselityzing Christians. Evangelicals are in the minority. Almost every main-stream Christian denomination is making great strides in avoiding and renouncing various anti-Semitisms.

Nevertheless, many Christians who wouldn't dream of actively putting down or converting Jews thoughtlessly act and react; and many Jews who consider themselves enlightened and reasonable do the same. We have a lot of baggage, both Christian and Jewish, and the only way out is through... we have to talk about it. Usually, once we say what we hear, the other will say..."oh that's not at all what I meant". It takes courage and patience to confront specifically what's happening, so we can deal with what's real, not what's imagined, checking out our perceptions as we go.

It sounds as though you are on your way, as your relationships with the Jewish in-laws grow in understanding and clarity. Good luck, but better... good strength!

Elie Aharon

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Jennifer's message

Author: Rachel (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: 11-11-01 19:06

Jennifer, I think that what your future in-laws are concerned about is not that their son will convert to Christianity, but what religion their grandchildren will be. If you and your fiance can have a frank talk with them and convince them that you absolutely plan to raise Jewish children, then their fears may be put to rest, thought probably not totally. You need to understand that for many Jews, especially of the 'older' generation, it would feel like being kicked in the stomach to have non-Jewish grandchildren. Perhaps as a Christian you may not understand or approve, but the concept of generation to generation is very big in Jewish families. Right now you appear to be a threat to that continuity unless you can convince them otherwise. So I think a nice talk would be helpful.

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Getting families together

Author: Melinda (---.ne.mediaone.net)
Date: 11-16-01 09:34

We never got my family and my husband's family together after the wedding. There were a few times when they overlapped visiting times, when they came to see us when each of our children was born. Those moments were pretty tense and uncomfortable. The families are quite different, and fortunately live in diferent parts of the country. Mine are suburban Jewish, upper middle class; his are midwestern middle class Protestants. I guess the next time they'll see each other is at our son's Bar Mitzvah.

One advantage to an interfaith family is that we always see my parents for Thanksgiving and go to his parents for Christmas.

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Author: A Southern Jew (---.mpowercom.net)
Date: 11-16-01 10:41

Melinda,
An American holiday and a Christian holiday? Why not a Jewish holiday and a Christian holiday? Or two American holidays. Perhaps it would be more balanced that way.

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holidays with family

Author: Melinda (---.ne.mediaone.net)
Date: 11-16-01 10:57

Oh, I didn't make myself clear. We don't live near my family, and Thanksgiving is the one time we get together with them. We celebrate Jewish holidays with friends, but gather with my family for Thanksgiving and with my husband's family for Christmas.

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A Letter from Israel

Author: miri (---.rlz.netvision.net.il)
Date: 01-22-02 03:49

Dear friends.
A Letter from Israel is a biweekly newsletter
published both in English and in Hebrew.
It is drafted, and designed as a personal letter
for Israelis and Jews living around the world
that wish out of loving and caring for Israel and its people, to keep in
touch with the every day concerns and nuances
of living in Israel. Please visit and enjoy.
Shalom from Israel

www.newsletter-israel.com

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A Letter from Israel

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inlaws

Author: Ackie (---.dsl.snfc21.pacbell.net)
Date: 01-29-02 03:09

My mother-in-law is trying to be controlling. She has not learnt to let go. She always calls and leaves a message to her son but harldy ever says hello to me. She insists on buying things for us and doing it her way and to her taste. She is very, very opinionated. Our relationship is interfaith and interational.

What do I do?

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