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Re: Martha's post

Author: BobP  Date:   10-28-03 16:58 Martha You have raised a lot of issues. Since you asked for feedback from a couple who "stayed interfaith", I guess I qualify since I am a Jewish male and my wife (29 years next March) is Catholic. First, let me say that my kids (27 and 25 now) were raised Catholic, but neither are today. I'd like to address some of the issues you raised. <<...first, I feel that the pressure of non-jewish women to convert once they marry a jewish man, because the jewish religion passes through the mother, is terribly unfair...>> It is unfair. But those are the "laws" of Judaism. However, to convert for marriage/children is WRONG. Conversion should be only because one WANTS TO BE JEWISH. There should NEVER be pressure put on someone to convert. I know it's sometimes done, but it should not be. <<...under reform judaism the children can still be considered jewish... only if the child is raised exclusively under the jewish religion. ...For any christian woman, even a not particularly observant like me, these are tough choices.>> If they weren't tough choices, it probably wouldn't be a problem. Again, these are the rules. <<...whenever there is an interfaith couple issue, the emphasis is always on whether the non-jew is going to convert, and no one seems to consider that the christian partner and their family could feel as entitled to have the jewish partner converting to christianity>> That is probably true, on this board anyway. What you may miss is that if the Jewish partner does not convert, there is no issue with the children being raised Christian. So the "problem" is not equal. <<I really don't mind the jewish traditions or religion... (if we) end up getting married and having children I would want them to love and respect the jewish faith and heritage of their father, but I also want them to be connected with my christian faith and traditions, not just exposed to it. If my children decided to embrace the jewish religion as adults, I would support them completely.>> In an interfaith home, there can be a fine line between practicing a religion and being "exposed" to a religion. Living in the US, one is "exposed" to Christianity frequently unless you live in a very sheltered environment. The same is often not true of Judaism. Although some may disagree, it's my opinion that one cannot be both Jewish AND Christian. Based on what you've written, it seems to me you want to raise your children in the Protestant faith, and should they decide they want to Jewish as adults, that's fine. That's your right, of course. But you should tell your boyfriend that as things stand, you are not likely to raise your kids Jewish. I realize you're not even engaged yet. But he needs to know, so he can decide if he wants to go forward. If he said to you my children MUST be Jewish, then you would be the one making the decision. And if you both feel this way (kids in my religion), you should stop dating. Love does not always conquer all, and after the child is born is not the time for those discussions. These are just my opinions. I'm sure others may have a different "take" on things. Good luck, Bob

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Please help

Author: Christopher  Date:   10-29-03 20:55 I am very much in love with a Jewish women. Whom, although not a "practicing Jew" is devoted to her religion. She cannot concieve an inter-faith marriage as we have discussed it for months. I have been strong to my Christian beliefs on the other side. We have seperated for 5 months now and I am lost without her in my life. I would just appreciate some advice on this situation. Thank you.

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Re: Please help

Author: Martha  Date:   10-30-03 07:23 Cristopher: I empatahize with your situation, since I am very much in love with a Jewish man and it'd break my heart if we were to break up for religious reasons. The first question I have to ask you is: Does she corresponds to your feelings? Please understand that I do not intend to imply that if she loves that'd be more important than her faith. I ask that question because you need to know where she stands in terms of feelings for you. I can only talk from my own experience. My boyfriend is not a practicing jew, but the history, tradition, and his identity as a jew are very important to him. I am not a practicing christian, nor do I believe that jews are going to hell for not believing in Jesus, but I attend church much more often than he goes to the synagogue (only on the high hollidays), and I am comfortable with my faith. As such, I do not contemplate converting to Judaism, and so I have explained to him. I also directly asked him, after we came back from Yom Kippur services (my first time ever in a synagogue) if he has sure that he could be in a serious relationship with someone who was not one of the "chosen people" (as that phrase was used by the rabbi many times during the service). His answer was both sweet and definitive: "yes. I love you for who you are". Being in an interfaith relationship is about making choices. As of today, I do not plan on converting to Judaism and my boyfriend is willing to accept that and go forward with our relationship, with the understanding that we will both respect each other's faith, and he'd be willing to marry a non-jew. If your girlfriend has already decided that she would not contemplate an interfaith marriage, I am afraid there is little you can do to change that, so you are the one who'll have to make a choice as to whether you'd convert or not (assuming that her tradition would accept a convert jew as a real jew). I know this is easier to say than to do since you are in love with her, but it doesn't seem you have any other choice. But as many people have pointed out in this forum, and I agreee, conversion is something you should consider only if you are moved by a sincere religious belief, not by the desire to be with someone. If you convert just to be with her, I think you'd resent her in the long run and that could end up ruining you relationship anyways. Best of luck! Martha

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Re: conversion

Author: Jenny Genser  Date:   11-03-03 11:34 I can understand that your impression of Judaism would be negative if the two rabbis that you've talked to are Orthodox? Have you checked with the Conservative, Reform, or Reconstructionist movements? They would be a lot less intimidating. Is your boyfriend Orthodox? Does he keep Kosher, keep strict observance of the Sabbath, wear a kiput (yarmulke), and the like? Is he your basic nonobservant Jew who has strong cultural and ethnic identities with Judaism? Or is he somewhere in between? If he is observant, but not Orthodox, or unaffiliated but feels strongly about a "Kosher converstion", check out the Conservative movement. They require a conversion that is "Kosher" in the sense that you go through the immersion in the mikvah, say blessings, and stand before a beit din of three rabbis. However, it is not as intense as an Orthodox conervation. As someone who is attracted to Judaism, the non-Orthodox strands might make you much more comfortable than Orthodoxy. If he is Orthodox, however, I don't see much wiggle room. Good luck, and hope this helps.

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Re:

Author: Sara  Date:   11-18-03 12:31 I am dating a jewish man and I am Catholic. We are moving in together and plan on getting married and raising jewish children. I think Judiasm is a beautiful religion and our kids will be exposed my faith. My parents are about disown me, can anybody share a similar experience?

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Re: Religious differences

Author: Ali  Date:   11-28-03 19:47 Hi Lisa, My name is Ali and I could not be more in the same boat as you. I think I might be a littleyounger than you, but I was with my Catholic Italian boyfriend for 2 years until recently when he and I broke up. I think I found myself on this webpages for exactly the same reasons as you did. You just want someone to tell you what you should do. I know exactly ho wyou feel. I miss my boyfriend so much and althouhg I do not feel like I am mounring a death by missing him...I uderstand how you feel like love conquers all by wanting to be with him? Its such a hard situation. It would be so nice if you coul d just forget everything about religion an dbe with a person just because you love them. I think that the difference with you and I is that you are not very religious, which I am. My ex is also very religious as well. I can tell you from my point of veiw that I always assumed tha since I was the more religious one, he should convert to be jewish with me...but that would never happen. Is so hard....sorry if I did not provide you with any insight...I guess I just wanted to write back and let you know that other p[eople understand where you are coming from. Good luck and remember this...."we plan and god laughs"...nothing ever turns out the way you would like it to :) Take care

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Re:

Author: Jill  Date:   12-01-03 16:21 I am a 25 year-old jewish woman in love with a Catholic boyfriend of two years. As the grand daughter of a German immigrant who fled during the holocaust, I'm a devout and proud Jew. My relationship with my boyfriend came to an end this week, after many talks about what we want in our families. I finally realized that I will never raise Christian children....and he would never raise Jewish children. We've been to counseling, and can't seem to come to a compromise. It's the most heart-wrenching situation I've ever been in, but I take comfort in knowing that we are preventing an even worse situation with a family involved. We both want to be in a family of the same religion, and unfortunately, our religions are polar opposites. We have learned so much about ourselves in our time together. I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything, because it taught me that being Jewish and keeping the culture alive is extremely important to me. I believe that a lot of my success in life has been due to my un-waivering Jewish identity...growing up in a mid-western town with only a few Jewish families. To all the people on this board, I feel your pain. It's reassuring to read similar stories, and I can only hope that this one made someone else feel better.

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Interesting interfaith situation

Author: Dreia  Date:   12-11-03 15:42 My partner and I are going to end up being 'intermarried'... ...because we are products of intermarriage. My Jewish half is my mother's side. His Jewish half is his father's side. So technically even though we *on paper* have the same ethnic mixture we are "intermarrying" as I am Halachically Jewish and he is not. It gets ridiculous as he is culturally more Jewish than I am, I am very Anglo-identified. He has a Jewish last name and is always taken for being Jewish. It gets more complicated. Our backgrounds are somewhat different. I was raised by two atheistic parents so in that sense, it wasn't really an "intermarriage". In deciding to be closer to Judaism, I am looking into something neither of my parents practices!! Although I am "technically Jewish", it is as if I am a convert! That I was Jewish was always a very abstract idea to me because I was never close to any kind of Jewish community. I feel I have to "go farther" to have a Jewish identity. Ironically, my partner, who knows much more about Judaism than I do, has to convert, but I don't, in order for us to have a Jewish wedding. This is uncomfortable for me because one MAJOR point of contact between us was that we were both from mixed backgrounds. Actually most of my boyfriends have been half-Jews!! I don't want a Christmas tree this year, and he is fine with doing just Channukah instead of Christmas (he grew up with both!!), but I still can't help but feel like he is erasing half of his upbringing and this is very sad for me. I don't want him to resent me later. We want to raise our children Jewish. We also want our children to appreciate their other heritage, too. Because in each case half the family is Christian, too, the decision to only do one set of holidays... is symbolic, a decision about what we'll do in *our house*. It had never occurred to me that when you have one person from an interfaith background, any relationship that person will get into, will be interfaith, despite the religion of the other party.

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Catholic-Jewish relationship

Author: Sarah  Date:   12-15-03 13:09 I a 28 year-old Catholic woman seriously dating a Jewish man. We have been dating for over a year and questions about our future together, particularly, how we are to raise our children has surfaced. He wants to raise his children Jewish and is not willing to do anything otherwise. We have had numerous conversations about this and I have met with a priest, a rabbi, read books, and visited Interfaithfamily.com weekly. He, on the other hand, has taken a very passive role in this pursuit, even though I genuinely feel he hopes that we would get married someday. I am incredibly conflicted inside about this. While I am still unsure about whether I can raise my children Jewish, I am most disheartened by my boyfriend's lack of interest in trying to understand my faith and why it is so important to me. I feel like it is either Jewish children or nothing. End of discussion. He has agreed to have a Christmas tree in the home (although he says he may be resentful of it), but overall I don't think he is making an effort to try and understand my faith and my sense of spirituality. I guess I am wondering, can there be a compromise on this issue? Can a Jew and a Catholic (both devout) marry and be okay? What will help bridge this gap between us? Is there hope? This aches all over.... Sincerely, Sarah

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Re: Catholic-Jewish relationship

Author: Martha  Date:   12-16-03 18:59 Dear Sarah: Reread your own statements about your boyfriend... "I am most disheartened by my boyfriend's lack of interest in trying to understand my faith and why it is so important to me. I feel like it is either Jewish children or nothing. End of discussion." " I don't think he is making an effort to try and understand my faith and my sense of spirituality." If this is true, do you really want to marry and have children with this person? Someone who, as you say, has no interest in understanding your feelings about faith, and is not willing to discuss with you, his potential life partner, a fundamental issue in your family life, namely what your future children religion will be, does not seem like a person who is ready. or even deserving, of becoming a husband and a father. I am sorry if I am been rude or offensive, is just that he's attitude seems absurd. If he really wants to have a jewish home with you, he, as the jewish person in the relationship, should be the one helping you understand judaism and trying to make you feel welcome and loved within that faith, not impose a jewish choice on you. Do not try to justify your boyfrien by thinking that all jewish men on women in interfaith relationship are as defensive. I feel for you because I am in a serious relationship with a jewish man, and I have also looked for guidance in different sources, including this website. But he also has been reading books about christianity, and even the other day was telling me about how he was learning about "my friend Jesus". Although we have not really sat down and decided the future of our hypotetical family yet, at least I know that he is open minded and aware of our religious differences and is making an effort. I spent Yom Kippur with his family for the first tiem this year, and now he is coming to spend christmas with my family for the first time. Of course, this doesn't mean that we will not face issues if the time comes when we have to sit down and decide the religious choices of our children, but at least it tells me that he is willing to understand and share that part of my life. You definitely need to have a serious conversation with your about this. Even more so, you should analyze if this type of attitude he is showing on this issue is a 'preview' of how he plans to handle the issues and differences that may arise in your future life together. religious or otherwise. It may be though, that your boyfriend is beind defensive and unwilling to compromise because he feels he has no other choice. You may want to explore the possibility of joint counseling with a rabbi or an interfaith group, there are alternatives. but the bottom line is that you need to have a serious conversation with him, the sooner the better.

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Re: it'd break my heart if we were to break up for religious reasons.

Author: Rosie  Date:   12-17-03 17:53 Hearts break. Hearts mend.

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Re: 3 years into a Jewish -Catholic marriage

Author: Beth  Date:   12-23-03 17:33 Dear Sarah, I am writing you because my situation is so similar, yet I still don't know exactly what it is that I want to tell you – perhaps because I still haven't figured it out myself. I am a 33 year old Catholic woman married to a Jewish man. When we were dating my husband also told me that we would have to raise our children Jewish. He also didn't have much curiousity about my faith – I think because his sense of being Jewish in many ways seems to be defined by being "not Christian." However, I'm sure like your boyfriend, he has hundreds of other positive qualities that I loved that offset what made me nervous. However, I didn't think I could do it – I had always assumed my children would be Catholic and would have a parochial education much like my own. We broke up as a result, but I missed him so much that I called him to tell him that I would raise them Jewish. We became engaged and were married three years ago. I was never really comfortable with the idea of raising our children Jewish, but I just put it out of my mind because the pain of not being with my boyfriend was too great. Somehow I hoped that it would "work out." But today I know that what I did was a disservice to us both. I should have faced the pain then, not hid from it by making a promise that I never let myself really consider. Now that we're much closer to having children, I have been thinking about it more and more and I am becoming less and less comfortable with the idea. My husband has been opposed to having a Christmas tree every year, and while we do, (albeit a very small one) it certainly doesn't feel the way that I would like. I realized this year that I have started to dread the holidays. In most other ways I think we have a very good marriage, and I can't imagine ending it because of this, yet at the same time, I have realized just how alienated and confused I feel. I look at a car driving down the street with a Christmas tree tied on top and it makes me very sad (even though as one of my friends pointed out, the family inside is probably fighting about who has to bring it in!) It is hard watching my friends and family celebrating Christmas with their children and knowing that I won't do the same. At the same time, I have perhaps irrevocably hurt my husband, who now feels betrayed because I have told him that I am having doubts about if I can raise our children Jewish. One of the hardest things for me is the concept of baptism – I truly can't imagine not having them baptized, yet obviously, that would not fit in with raising my children Jewish. I guess my advice to you is to make sure you really consider what it is that you will be willing to do. Even if it's hard, talk to your parents about it (something I avoided doing and now they are hurt and confused and worried about me). Go to temple with your boyfriend and imagine if you can picture going there with your family. The decision will hurt in different ways no matter what you decide -- be aware of that.

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Re: thank you beth

Author: sarah  Date:   12-28-03 22:44 Dear Sarah, Thank you so much for your candid response to my email. My boyfriend and I are celebrating new year's together, hopefully without much discussion about interfaith issues... but after that, we will dive into things. Being home for the holidays has made me more conflicted. Sitting at church on Christmas Eve, brought tears to my eyes and it is just so unfortunate that two people who love one another can be pulled apart by religion. I am realizing more and more that I DO need to feel supported in my faith, even if that means losing my boyfriend. I say that, though, with tremedous hesitation, because when I think of walking away from my boyfriend, i am heartsick. Again, I thank you so much for your response. It seems like we have similar backgrounds (Catholic school most of my life) and partners. Best of luck with your decisions as well. Take good care, Sarah

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Re: Catholic-Jewish relationship

Author: Ilana  Date:   01-18-04 21:38 Sarah, I am actually facing a similar issue, though in reverse. That is, I am Jewish and my boyfriend is Christian (actually, born again Baptist). He is struggling with the belief he was raised with that not accepting Jesus means Iwon't "go to heaven". While I am reading books, learning more about Christianity, learning more about Judiasm, talking to others, he is much less active. I do believe it can work, but it takes effort from both sides. But, while in the process, it does hurt. A lot. Ilana

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Interfaith couples

Author: Karl B.  Date:   02-19-04 00:21 Hello, To make a short history of the facts, i'm a catholic guy who fell in love with a jewish orthodox girl a few months ago. And to be very honest, i've never lived a relationship so meaningful and so passionate. I must admit that i had little knowledge of the jewish world and it's community before that. She taught me a lot and still, i found that she and i shared very similar values and goals. Unfortunately, her family wasn't receptive towards us, and we had to stop seeing each other. Looking back now is still painful. It's hard to understand. I still love her as much as i did, i still am open to respect and enter the jewish way of living. I still believe in our love, i still believe we can find a way. Is there any solution? What can i do? What can she and i do? Thank you! Karl B.

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Re: Interfaith couples

Author: Ellen  Date:   02-19-04 12:25 Karl: Are you really willing to "enter the Jewish way of living"? Do you mean to give up Jesus and convert to Judaism? Perhaps after time, when the Jewish way of living has becomes your own way of living, you may realize that this relationship was meant to be after all, and you'll get back together again. What can you do? I hope that you can realize that just because you haven't had such a meaningful or passionate relationship in the past, that doesn't mean you can't hope for an even better one in the future. You admit this was only a few months, and that she is still a girl, which means you must still be a boy yourself. You have plenty of time to find the right woman for yourself. What happened may have been painful, but you'll survive and be a stronger person for it, I'm sure.

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To Ellen

Author: Karl B.  Date:   02-20-04 00:44 Dear Ellen, I wish to thank you very much for your conforting words. You helped me put things more into perspective and i will definitely keep what you told me in mind. Thank you very much! Karl B.

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In between a rock and a hard place

Author: Becky  Date:   02-21-04 18:16 This is adressed to all who will open mindly listen; My name is Becky and I have been dating Stuart for almost 2 years. I am catholic and stuart is a conservative jew. Religion was not a big concern in the begining of our relationship, in fact I embraced our differences (we were best friends before we dated) and I felt as though it was to my benefit to learn about another religion. As time has gone on and our relationship progressed I find that the relationship has had many problems involving religion. We want to get married eventually but I am torn as to what to do. I originally said i would convert to judiasm so that our children would be raised in one religion and I do belive in alot of jewish ideals. I personally am not highly devoted to the catholic religion and was open minded to see what was out there. I found out on new years day that Stuart would not marry anyone who "wasn't jewish" and when he saw me wearing a cross necklace one day he looked at me with disgust and said "dont' ever wear that(the cross) around me or my family." I took great offence to that statement and said either you expect me for who I am and my beliefs or don't waste my time and let me move on to someone who will for not much is going to change between the time we get married and now. He eventually agreed to accepting me for who I was, encluding my religion. Or so he says he accepted the fact that I'm catholic....In the two years that we have been dating I have only met his family twice, I have had him up at my home for every family event, holiday, etc. I make a valient effort to embrace our differences and learn about his culture. I feel as though he has shrouded me from family gatherings and events because of the religion aspect and was just feeding me a line when he said he accepts me for who I am, including my catholism. What am I to think, where do I go from here? Is there anyone that has been in these similar circumstances and how do we reach a middle ground without feeling as though we've given up our sense of selves? Sincerely, Becky (beckyhalley21@yahoo.com)

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Jewish girl & Catholic guy

Author: Jon McIntyre  Date:   02-29-04 06:17 I'm a Catholic guy and I've been friends with an orthodox Jewish girl for approximately 3+ years (we're both in our 20s). I've met her family many times, we've been to lots of movies together, we've been to Europe together and done lots of other friend things together and have even crossed the platonic friendship line a few times (but not actually ever had sex - I get Catholic guilt for kissing her etc but that's my problem). She and I have discussed our commencing formally dating over the years (usually after she has had some problem with a Jewish guy) and we have agreed against it, because of our strongly held and differing religious beliefs. She's now dating a gentile (I don't think very seriously). I'm now having second thoughts, as I do feel for her and miss her but wonder how I could make it work. She once said we shouldn't date as we won't ever marry. She did, last year, ask me what we should do with our friendship. I, stupidly, said nothing. She's now dating a gentile. What do I say as a gentile/Catholic to allay whatever religious fears she may have of a relationship with me, including marriage? Or as a Catholic am I simply forbidden by Judaism from dating a Jewish woman as if I married her, I would make her an outcast and any children non-Jewish? I'm open to raising children Jewish and keeping kosher if I can keep being Catholic on my own. Thanks for any advice. Jon McIntyre

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Re: In between a rock and a hard place

Author: tess  Date:   03-08-04 09:31 Dear becky, Was in a similar situation to you. Was constantly asked to convert, told he couldn't marry a non-jew and not invited to his parents house because his father wasn't happy with his son being with a catholic. Do you know what I did? I read, and read and read and read, then I questioned and questioned and questioned. Basically my conclusion was that our religions are also our cultural identity, and our "first" language in expessing ourselves with God. We can learn another language but we will always speak better in our first. We would think it backwards if an Englishman stopped his French wife from speaking french to his children, so why do we accept this religious backwardness. If you are already involved in learning about your boyfriends culture and he does nothing but look at yours with disgust, well that is the culture that shaped you and he seems to enjoy the finished product. It may be that your differences are deeper than religious issues. Furthermore a man who makes his wife deny a part of her self to her children is a man who also denies his children a part of their mother. Education is the only way out, education will help your boyfriend more comfortable in his faith and you in yours and both more comfortable in deciding the faith of your children. And which ever faith they are raised, never ever hide the faith of one of their parents....just sit back and think what you would think if your parents kept part of themselves hidden from you. So back to my situation. I kindly questioned my partner on the core issues of his faith, I asked exactly it was about Catholicism he didn't like, and what came out (after a year or two) was exactly what we felt was there all the time, we in fact had a joint faith but we were speaking in different languages. We still disagree but no longer about statues but on the "idea of symbolism" no longer about jesus but on the "idea of divinity in humans", no longer about crusades but about religious nationalism, no longer about.......................well all the religious stuff, we get down to the core, and though you still have good arguments they are much more constructive. And now we are life long debating partners, and we even joke about our religions and both admit that we don't have all the answers. Its the search that matters. All I can say the education was worth it and I'm glad I didn't take the quick road and pretend to be something else. So don't lose your sense of humour, get in there and ask the tough questions beginning with "what exactly it is about your religion that disgusts him" this is always a goody to get the ball rolling. The sooner you find out if you can move beyond this the better. Discuss the why's of your religous practices

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watching judaism slip away

Author: Dan  Date:   03-29-04 18:20 Hello, I've read some of the posts and I believe the general message I am reading about is positive. "Hold on to your beliefs and hold on to your love". I was raised in an interfaith house. My mother, catholic and my jewish father decided to offer my brother and I the church. However, I always felt a special relationship with the Jewish faith and culture. This probably came from being raised in a predominantly Jewish community amoung my predominantly jewish relatives. Now my generation has become the young adults. We've made choices and I am now engaged to a fully christian woman. She tells me that she enjoys my "jewish" heritage and leanings, but I am inclined to believe that she sees it as "cute" rather then a serious part of me. To be honest i'm not sure what being a jew means to me, but I know that as I look around I see the jewish blood line dissappearing in my family and it saddens me greatly. I did not have a mitzvah and therefore was never truly legitamate with many of my friends, but at least I was with other jews. I'm not sure what to do because I don't feel like I have the right to mis the faith or worry about the future of my children and family. What is there for someone who was not raised jewish because the choice was not there's to make, but now feels like something is missing? What should be done before I marry this women. I believe she would make changes for me if I asked her. Thanks Dan

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Re: In between a rock and a hard place

Author: Becky  Date:   05-01-04 22:56 Tess, Thankyou very much for your responce to my letter. Your quote, "If you are already involved in learning about your boyfriends culture and he does nothing but look at yours with disgust, well that is the culture that shaped you and he seems to enjoy the finished product." REALLY made me think and has really helped. As for now Stuart and I are still dating and things are going well. We have our little problems like every relationship does, but so far (knock on wood) none of them have been religion related. Thankyou again. Becky

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Re: Our Sons Conversion to Judaism

Author: Shirley Browne  Date:   07-10-04 13:28 For nearly 16 years the family has been caught up in a misunderstanding of how our son became a "jew" as he stated to his mother and father. He married a divorced Jewish faith woman and they produced a daughter who is being raised as an Orthodox Jew. He states that he has converted and is now fully Jewish. Needless to say his mother and father are still concerned as to what was required of him to become a Jew. He was christened in the Methodist Church at Birth and his membership is still there of record. When the granddaughter was 3 months old they held a ceremony called the "Naming" and she was given a Jewish name. At that ceremony our son read a proclamation that said basically he gave up all rights to the child and she would be raised in the Jewish faith. It was not until 10-12 years later that he declared he had converted to Judaism for the child's sake since was attending a Hebrew school. What was required of him to convert?

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Re: Jewish girl & Catholic guy

Author: Moomin  Date:   08-05-04 23:24 Jon I like your story, I think you should go for it. It sounds like the two of you are just waiting for something to happen. Well I wonder what happened since February when you posted it. I have a long and complicated story starting off in Orthodox Judaism (my mother converted to Judaism long before she met my father, I studied in Yeshiva in Israel etc.). For a long time I worried about what my parents and others would think about me dating a non-Jewish woman among many other things. When I finally got the courage to do that a few years ago they were very accepting of it. That relationship didn't last though I am still good friends with the person in question. I went through another much longer relationship that recently ended that was even more cross-cultural in some ways and am now onto another that hopefully will be the final destination. By now we are of an age that she could have children perhaps if she is lucky but already has two from her previous marriage. I don't know if that is going to make things easier or harder. Perhaps because my mother now lives in Israel (I didn't grow up there) she (my father also moved there before he died a couple of years ago) she has a stronger sense of identity that makes her more comfortable with it. Or also probably because half my life is already over more or less... So the moral is - don't live to regret not taking the chance! Moomin

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Re: Religious differences

Author: carla121  Date:   11-09-04 15:54 Well, I can't tell you what to do, but I can offer some options that will allow compromise: 1. If his family is more religious than yours, and you don't go to synagog, allow your kids to row up with Catholicism, but teach them their Jewish heritage as well. Your husband/fiancé should understand that, even if you don't practice religiously, your children should know both sides. 2. If your mother won't attend your wedding in a church, maybe you should have more than one. Have one in his church, with a priest and the long white wedding dress, and have an informal wedding, maybe outside in the spring, a nice, intimate affair that all your friends and family can enjoy. Though the first wedding will be the deciding date for your anniversary, your mother should understand that the man you love is a different religion, and you both have different practices. If you really want to marry this guy in a chapel and church to please him, then go all the way. It'll be your mother's loss if she doesn't watch her daughter walk down the aisle. That's all the wisdom I can think of now, but feel free to email me to get more advice (If you find this helpful)

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Re: Religious differences

Author: Angie Beauchem  Date:   11-09-04 21:35 I am in a similar situation, but the tables are reversed for me. I am a Christian and my boyfriend is a Jew. We are very much in love and he wants us to get married. He has wants me to convert. I think love does conquer all but he does not. He does not wnat our kids to be confused and he wants them to be Jews.

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Re:

Author: Rhia32GA  Date:   11-09-04 21:56 And in response to your response I say that once again, as stated above by sean the original author of the post you just replied to, when the child is old enough to make that choice it should be THEIR choice....religion is not something to be forcefed to people. I believe that this gentle way of exposing a child to several different ideas and paths of belief is good, that way the child can decide for themselves which path they wish to take, not the one that they were told they had to take. I believe much like Sean said before that things get better when we hit adulthood and we re-evaluate if you will allow that term the things that we were "raised" knowing, now me personally, I was raised in a totally unique household, I was raised in a wiccan/christian household where my mother who was wiccan converted to christianity and then it was an entirely christian household, but my parents sent me to a baptist school, I attend a christ of christ college, and I have studied many world religions and it is all because my parents gave me the lead way to have my own choice to be personal with God. My relationship with God now is 10 million times stronger then when I was growing up, and it is because when I went into myself and realized that God is there, not in a religion or belief system, God became alot more personal to me and stopped feeling so far away. I owe alot to my parents because I was exposed to MANY religions, my father was raised Catholic and anytime we went to my grandparents in NY we attended church with them, as I stated before I went to a Baptist school, I went to a Church of Christ college, my best friend was Pentecostal and I went to church with her alot growing up, my aunt is Seventh day Adventist and I have gone to church with her numerous times, and I feel that I have a deeper relationship with God and with other because of my parents being open enough to let me experience it and learn it for myself not because it is what they chose for me, but that is just my 2 cents worth. Blessings on all.....~rhi~

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Re:

Author: Rhia32GA  Date:   11-09-04 23:30 I have loved reading your postings, they have been very helpful to me as my very good friend is going through something almost identical to what your daughter is going through, only instead, she is Baptist and he boyfriend is Jewish. I read a few postings from you ago about the whole boyfriend not believing your daughter will be in heaven, and let me try and explain that a little more, not as justification, but clarification. (I attended a Baptist school growing up, and like I said my friend going through this same situation is also Baptist) Baptists believe that you must be saved in order to go to Heaven, and in order to be saved you must accept Christ as your personal savior by asking him to come into your heart. For Baptists baptism is not necessary to reach heaven, it is an outward showing of your personal commitment of yourself to God and giving your life over to His will. (Now this may not be the case of ALL Baptists, so please do not take offense and think I am speaking on behalf of Baptists everywhere...this is simply a general overview)So in the saying that he did not believe he would see her in Heaven he was not trying to be disrespectful to you or your daughters beliefs I feel, but rather simply stating what his own beliefs lead him to believe. I on the other hand, believe that it is God alone who will make the decision who gets into Heaven. And before everyone here in forum starts going off on me, I simply really dont care if anyone agrees with me or not on that. I am not God, and it is not my choice to say who gets in and who doesn't. Unfortunately to many religions these days seem to have taken the "we are the only way" approach to things, and I see it as "religion" is manmade. (By that last statement I mean all the different little groups we have separated ourselves into, not our spiritual beliefs we hold.) I feel that you have such a beautiful outlook on your daughters relationship as do others that I have seen in here, and I wish them the best in their future together. Bright blessings on you and your family. ~rhi~

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Brand New Relationship...

Author: Melissa  Date:   11-11-04 11:59 I am a 20-year-old college student...I have been dating this boy exclusively for a month now, and he has wanted to make things official since we first began dating. Just as I decided that I was ready for this, and that I could accept the fact that we were differing religions (I am Jewish and he is Christian, both very strong in our faiths) and that it was worth it to work through it, he sprang this one on me: I was supposed to meet his parents in a couple weeks, but last night they met him at the door (he is living at home for the next year until he heads back to college in Texas) and sat him down to tell him they feel he is turning his back on G-d, and that they want no part of anything to do with me or to support us dating. His sister, to whom he is very close, alos disapproves. I told him I didn't want to be a dividing factor in his family, and that though I cared about him deeply, it was his decision to make. He has told me about his problems with his ultra-conservative parents before, and he told me that he wanted to be with me and he was done dealing with his parents. While this is a very new relationship, we care deeply about each other...in all honesty, I am in love with him, though I haven't said it (he has). I am trying not to think too deeply about marriae, because we are both so young, but if we plan to really make things work, then that is where we are headed. I am the child of an interfaith marriage and was raised quite liberally. I chose to be Jewish, to be Bat Mitzvahed and confirmed as a Jew (Jews have confirmation, too, for those who didn't know...) while my brother has no religion and my sister is a Christian. I want to make things work...but I am also deeply saddened by his parents' views. Is there any advice any of you can give me?

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can someone help me?!

Author: confused & hurt  Date:   12-13-04 04:57 im 20, christian and have been seriously involved for the past 2 1/2 years with a jewish guy. It has been challenging, i cannot deny that. In the beginning, it was hard, his parents didnt approve of me and would not allow me to be in their houses (they are divorced - which is ok for them, but im not?!). This was hurtful as i didnt understand why or how someone could judge me without even meeting me. It was horrible, and even now 2.5 yrs down the track, his father still has not met me. This is hard. After aprox 10 months, he sat his mum down and spoke to her, pleading with her to understand..and she became ok, she allowed me over and we were permitted to be ourselves. Up until this time, it was my parents who were there, supporting us and telling us to be happy together, and not to worry what other people thought. He broke up with me at about 8 months because he couldnt deal with the grief his parents were giving him. After this, he hurt me severely and my parents pleaded with me not to go back to him, it was too hard and required too much. I didnt listen, naturally, and a short time later my parents forbid him from my house, told me he was not welcome on our property. He was used as threats for holidays and my car, if i continued to be with him, they would take my car away, or prevent me from going overseas on family holidays. I admit, i cracked... and it was terribly difficult, but i went against my parents and supported him because i knew we were to be together. I knew it. There was aprox 12 months where everything has been fine. I have just come back from overseas, and while there i took the oppurtunity to speak to my mum, and make her listen to what i wanted and what made me happy. She agreed and told me i was old enough to make my own decisions. Once back, i have done everything that he has been pleading with me to do.. stay over, see him more, etc. Then out of the blue, 2 nights ago, he breaks up with me, because he cannot deal with my parents. He says they killed us. I admit, it was hard, but i had to deal with much more than him. He only knew what i told him... i had to live with it. He also has come up with the religious difference, being a problem. 2 days prior to him breaking up with me, he told me he loved me so much and would marry me, despite the religious differences. This wasnt the first time, we have spoken numerous times about it, but this was so recent, then he threw me down like trash, and i dont understand. Everything has been fine, more recently also... he brought religion in to this for whatever reason im not sure... he asked me after we broke up whether i would convert, i naturally told him i would do anything i could to make sure we were together.. sacrifices are minimal when you have someone who you cannot live without, who you love so dearly and have gone through soo much together. I just dont understand, and i was hoping someone, could give me some insight... thanks

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Re: Confused...

Author: BobP  Date:   12-13-04 14:56 <<... he asked me after we broke up whether i would convert, i naturally told him i would do anything i could to make sure we were together.. sacrifices are minimal when you have someone who you cannot live without...>> Please see other posts about conversion on this site. To convert for any reason except you want to be JEWISH is wrong. To say this sounds desperate (I would do anything) is an understatement. If he asked you to cut off your family forever, would you agree to that? (I hope not). You're just 20, and have been through a lot with him (I take it you were just 17 when you started dating). It is a good idea to take a step or two back, and see what it is each of you wants. Take a few deep breaths, then see where you should go. It's really not uncommon for someone to realize that their religous beliefs are more important than they realized, expecially as they are moving toward marriage and children. Maybe that's what's happened here. Or, it could be a convienient excuse (I have to marry someone who is xxx) and since you're not xxx, we have to break up. Good Luck Bob

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Re: 3 years into a Jewish -Catholic marriage

Author: Asi in SC  Date:   01-05-05 10:54 I understand the main topic here, "the question of inter-religious marriage" Which I find myseldf in too. I'm Jewish-Shes Catholic. But would it and could it be possible to raise children from such a relationship without a labeled religion? and just teach them good values, morals, and proper descipline? could such an attempt be successful? With our intertwining cultures across this nation, statistically new-coming lovers will be from different culture/religions. No disrespect to any religious followers/communities out there, but we are humans, A SPEICIES, and religion seems to be something created in the beginning of mankind in attempts to create social order. Why should today's intelectual individuals feel bad when persuing inter-cultuaral marriages? The idea that the religion will fade away is proposturous. Its confusing, trust me I know. As a full blooded Yemen and schooled by their Rabbis, my father is very strong in his ways. His infuence has made me who i am today. Still, I can surely see myself raising my children with same influence and minus the whole religion stuff and still turn out with a happy and healthy family. Please reply-what do you think of my views?

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Re: 3 years into a Jewish -Catholic marriage

Author: Rosie  Date:   01-05-05 15:55 I think it's a wonderful thing to live in a multicultural world or a multicultural neighborhood or to go to a multicultural school. Within one family, though, when there are young children growing up, I think it's better to have some consistency and a clear answer to the question "What are we?" My parents had the same universalist ideas as you when they intermarried, but once they had children, it became different. The nice open-minded "we're all humans" ethic is harder to make sense of when one is only four years old. Children get a lot out of belonging to a special heritage, celebrating identifiable holidays and rituals, and having something in common with a growing circle of other families. I'm sorry I missed out on that as a child. Our family, which abounds in secular and atheist and unaffiliated and "Doyourownthingist" people just got together this past weekend for my daughter's bat mitzvah, and I am so glad we have managed to impart a sense of religious identity to her. Her cousins who were raised Jewish are at least as healthy and happy as the ones who were raised without any religion, and they are just as bright and delightful as one could wish one's children to be. We had speeches at the bat mitzvah about Moses being a leader in the cause of justice, standing up to shepherds who were oppressing Midianite girls, Martin L. King Jr., Goodman, Schwerner, and Chaney, the Selma march, Darfur, the Tsunami, and universal ethical principles about caring for others and upholding human rights and the dignity of all humanity, and the fundamental Jewish imperatives underlying it all. Even the atheists there were moved. My daughter has a deep sense of compassion and respect for people of different heritages. Nevertheless, she has a strong consciousness that she's rooted in a tradition of her own, and I suspect my parents and the others who tried raising children "religion free" now see that those of us who are raised that way are missing something precious. So yes, your children may turn out all right. But ask yourself if this is the best way they could turn out. If your family is Jewish, don't you think they should have access to that heritage, and the right to claim it as their own if they choose to do so? If they are raised by a Catholic mother, will they be able to do so? Is this particular relationship more important to you than that?

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