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Talking To Children About Interfaith Dating - Page 1
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Page 1
| Inter-faith dating |
Author: Beth (---.tampabay.rr.com)
Date: 01-18-02 15:38
I have been asked by my Temple School Board to lead a class of 8th-12th graders on the topic of Inter-Faith dating. We are a small synagogue in Central Florida. There are very few Jewish teens for our children to date.
I have agreed to have a discussion group and have invited a couple in which the father has converted, a couple in which the mother has converted and a couple in which the father is Jewish and the mother is Pentacostal.
I do not want to condemn or condone inter-faith dating to the class, but would like them to ask any questions they like to make them think of the future questions that can be raised.
Any information to help this class will be greatly appreciated.
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| Inter-faith dating |
Author: Kirin Ishida (---.buff.east.verizon.net)
Date: 01-27-02 03:59
I'm a teenaged Buddhist boy who, until recently, lived in Manhattan and had no trouble with ingter-faith dating. It was an accepted part of life for a born New Yorker, especially because people who share my faith are such a minority. This is an outlook I believe is shared by many modern New York Jews and others - even if older people will sometimes express displeasure at the idea, the fact is that we religious minorities can't limit ourselves to our own communities romantically. It's not only unhealthy to restrict ourselves emotionally like that, but also unfair to .
persons of other faiths that we would deny them even the oppertunity of our companionship.
Some time ago, my family moved to the smaller and significantly less tolerant city of Buffalo, New York. I may be mistaken, but I believe that we're the only complete family of Buddhists here out of the entire population. There are also a few Jews, some Hindus, and three or four families of Muslims. Thus, my dating girls of different faiths is a nescessity if I want to date at all.
My parents accept this. They're very open people and don't expect me to marry a girl of my own faith when I grow up. My mother used to be a Methodist herself. However, when I date girls now, if their parents find out that I'm not even a monotheist, I know that they immediately have something to hold against me, even though before that they've called me a "good kid". I suppose that they think because I do not share exactly their faith that I have some kind of moral defects and may be a good kid, but not nescessarily good for their daughter.
In a sense, I've seen both sides of inter-faith dating. In New York, I came from a Buddhist community of which some members disapproved of inter-faith relationships. I'm sure some of the girls and boys of other faiths the teenagers of that community date must feel as alienated and unjustly criticized as I now do here.
Personally, I don't think it's right to discourage interfaith dating. It makes a group who discourage it seem bigoted and arrogant about their religion, and lead people to believe that they don't have any respect for persons of other faiths. The discouraging of interfaith dating is a form of predjudice and indeed, racism. I would love to think that maybe at least Jews, who have of course long suffered unjust persecution for their beliefs, would be good enough to spare even a fraction of the same treatment on other religions.
Peace out. |
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| Interfaith dating |
Author: Jaicy (---.MIAM.splitrock.net)
Date: 02-25-02 10:34
My daughter who is a Gentile, has been dating a (Reform) Jewish young man. They both are in High School. The relationship was progressing nicely and both kids seemed happy, were doing excellent in school, and are basically wonderful kids and seem genuinely caring of each other's feelings. People smiled when they saw them together, they seemed so suited to each other. Suddenly after several months the boy's mother has demanded that they stop seeing each other since my daughter is not Jewish. We do not understand what appears to us to be a form of prejudice.
My daughter will not date this boy without his mother's permission, making both kids miserable. They will not date anyone else, wanting to be with each other only. Is there anything I could explain to her that would account for the mother's objections which she claims are strictly religious? The mother told my daughter if they married (believe me, they are no where near this point, they are just dating! They want to attend college and grad school.) their children would not be Jewish. My daughter said marriage and children was the farthest thing from her mind, but if it did come to pass, she remarked she would have no problem with the children being raised in their father's faith. The mother replied they still wouldn't be Jews. My daughter doesn't understand that as well. Is there anyone who could email us an answer to the theology of this? Is there a solution to the mother's objections? My daughter is extremely respectful of parents and while her boyfriend is willing to fight with his mother over it and continiue to see my daughter over his mom's objections, she will not. (Reason:My husband is of Irish ancestry and I am Italian. My inlaws treated my children abominably until they died. They would not accept Irish/Italian "mongrels" as grandchildren. ) Is there a solution to this problem? Realistically, is there anything that would get the mother to change her mind? I hate to see such nice kids so miserable and severely depressed. I have suggested counseling either alone or together (his parents will not allow this) as I am concerned that the boy may be suicidal over it. My daughter is not angry with me, so we have a dialog which is stabilizing her. He however is so angry, distrustful and hurt by his parents he will not talk with them further. His anger is starting to be directed inward and that bothers me. My daughter tries to keep him "up" but in some ways that compounds the problem, because it just reinforces their tie. Thank you. |
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| Jaicy |
Author: InterfaithFamily.com Editor (---.reonbroadband.com)
Date: 02-25-02 12:33
Dear Jaicy,
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult situation to deal with. I have a few comments that I hope will be helpful.
First of all, although I understand completely how you could feel that your daughter's boyfriend's mother is being "prejudiced," I would like to ask you to consider that that is not really the case. There are many Jews who feel very very strongly that Jews should marry other Jews. It's not that they have anything against any particular person who isn't Jewish. There is no reason to think that his mother thinks badly of your daughter. As I said, I understand how you could feel differently.
Second, in terms of your "theology" question, traditional Jewish law is that a person is Jewish if his or her mother is Jewish. It's called "matrilineal descent." However the Reform Movement in North America, which is the largest Jewish movement in North America, adopted a different position about 20 years ago, often called "patrilineal descent." What they decided is that a child is Jewish if he or she is raised as a Jew, even if one parent, including in some cases the mother, is not Jewish. You said that the boyfriend was a Reform Jew. Any Reform rabbi should be able to tell his mother that in the eyes of the Reform Movement, if your daughter and her boyfriend had children and she agreed to raise them as Jews, then the children would be Jewish. Now there still would be problems potentially, since in the eyes of the other Jewish movements the children would or might not be considered Jewish. But there are many intermarried families raising their children as Jews in Reform synagogues. Any Reform rabbi could tell his mother that.
My third comment is that this seems like such a heavy discussion for high school kids! Our website has many, many articles which illustrate the point that people's attitudes change over time. That could mean, for example, that your daughter, if they got married, might decide to convert to Judaism. That could also mean, for another example, that his mother could change her mind over time and accept, indeed even welcome, your daughter, if they kept on going out and got married. There are many, many Jewish parents who started out staunchly opposing their children's prospective intermarriages but who changed their attitudes as time passed.
You and your daughter and her boyfriend and his mother might find our book, The Guide to Jewish Interfaith Family Life, helpful. It is a collection of articles from the website by over 70 writers, most telling their personal stories about how they dealt with the issue that people in interfaith relationships face.
Good luck. I hope things turn out well for you and for them. |
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| changing attitudes |
Author: Sam (---.ipt.aol.com)
Date: 02-25-02 17:49
Jaicy, I, too am sorry you're having such a difficult situation to deal with.
My words below might not bring you solace, but they are worthwhile
food for thought.
Post 5- "Our website has many, many articles which illustrate the point that people's
attitudes change over time."
The editor is so true. But you never know WHICH way they'll change. It has
happened in my life. I once had the 20-year-old
attitude that the child of ANY Jewish parent is Jewish. But my attitude
changed, and now I follow the few-thousand-year old tradition of matrilineal
descent, which is still followed by the majority of organized Jewry.
While I used to believe that intermarriage might not really affect the number
of Jews in the world 50 years down the line, my attitude changed when I read
the statistics.
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Spiritual leader and teacher. Typically, but not always, leads a congregation.
Place of Jewish worship, referring to both the room where it occurs and the building where it occurs. Colloquially referred to as "temple."
Place of Jewish worship. Same as synagogue.
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