Talking With Children About Interdating - Page 1

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Welcome to our discussions!

Author: InterfaithFamily.com Editors
Date: 03-27-02 13:36

We're pleased to tell you that we've changed our online discussions--and we invite you to join them! When you submit a message, it will be reviewed by our moderators before it is posted. While we will accept messages that are realistic about the challenges posed by interfaith relationships, we won't allow people to vent their opposition to intermarriage, as has happened in the past. Our goal is to make our discussions a welcoming and safe place for people dealing with interfaith relationships to turn for helpful information and support. So please--join our discussions!

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Please discuss this topic

Author: Ronnie Friedland, editor
Date: 03-28-02 14:47

Please discuss this comment from a reader:
I didn't know what to say when my child called my hypocritical for telling him not to interdate.

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Re:

Author: Jessica N
Date: 01-22-03 22:51

I'm twenty years old and I have been dating a non-Jew for over a year.

My mother gives me a very hard time about it.

I feel like she is being hypocritical because I was not raised very religiously at all. I hated Hebrew school and Shul and I don't feel like I really connect with the Jewish community, although I have always lived in Jewish neighbourhoods. If she didn't instill Judaism in me while I was growing up, why should she expect me to continue with it now?

However, in some ways I think she is right, and that there is a level of comfort when marriage and dating is kept within one religion. It's a tough call to make, that's for sure.

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Re: Interdating at 20

Author: Rhona
Date: 05-02-03 08:51

I'm a 22 year old Orthodox Jew and I have been going out with my agnostic boyfriend for one and a half years. I am from the UK. I am from a very tight knit community in the UK. I went to shul but really because my parents liked me to and I liked to please them. We are the kind of family that goes to shul and then goes to my grans in the car! I've been to Jewish Schools but my senior school was mixed. I went to a few youth clubs and had a few Jewish friends but the majority were not Jewish. My parents were always nagging me to go to Jewish places but I always used to move the goalposts as I did not really like the cliquey nature of the community.

When I went to University they begged me to go into all Jewish accommodation and join J Soc, I did not go to Jewish accommodation but went to J Soc, all I wanted was to make my parents as happy as possible as I am close to them.

It got to the point that whenever I met a Jewish single boy I desperately wanted something to happen but they came to nothing. In the meantime, a staunch singleton, I had some fun and went out with non-jewish boys. Then I met Simon.

I started off seeing him once a week and put all barriers up possible because I knew what it would mean. Then he was so good to be with, I thought why don't I deserve someone who is kind, intelligent, tolerant and good looking? I was honest about the religion and what it would mean hypothetically if we got serious and he and his family are extremely tolerant of my religion. So I thought I am young as you do.

When I met him I told my mum and she was interested about him and I used to go on about him. She was fine, she said as long as I didn't fall in love with him and at the time I was not.

Then I fell for him big time and it was time for university to end. I said to my parents I wanted to stay in my university town and live with my friend Cate. Nothing was mentioned of Simon and they were not happy. I had moved the goalposts again, now there were no goalposts.

Coming home for the Summer they told me that they thought I should split up with Simon. I told them that I was in love with him. They did not take it very well to say the least. They told me that I was going to split the family apart and that I should leave. I would kill my mother, grandparents etc. I was mortified and I moved back to my University town and had no financial support.

I still came home but unless we ignored the issue we got into serious rows and little digs and hysterical crying fits and all the while I am trying to build my life post grad.

There does not seem to be any support for me in the UK but I know there must be people that are going through all this.

Can anyone put me in touch with a mixed, young couple who still want to keep their Judaism but at their own level? Both Simon and I could do with the support. Or if anyone could provide advice, that would be very helpful also. My parents do not want to meet Simon or hear about him, so as he is part of my life I find it difficult to communicate what I am doing day to day.

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Re: Can you please clarify the problem?

Author: Susan
Date: 05-04-03 20:01

Rhona,

You tell us that you are an Orthodox Jew and your boyfriend is an agnostic. I'm afraid I don't quite understand what this means. Are you still Orthodox in your own personal beliefs, or were you merely raised Orthodox? Is your agnostic boyfriend a Jewish agnostic or a gentile agnostic? Do the two of you have ugly rows about conflicting theologies, or is your disagreement with your parents? I have known of many happy relationships between one Jew who was Orthodox and one who was agnostic. This was the case with my husband's grandparents of blessed memory. He was a radical freethinker and she was more religious, but they kept a kosher home, raised all six children and ten grandchildren Jewish, and they were loved by all. Even if your boyfriend is not Jewish, but he still respects your religion, you can still be happy together and raise a Jewish family. Or have you abandoned your parents' beliefs? As I see it, you would only have a problem if you could not come to agreeable terms with your boyfriend, in which case your relationship would die a natural death in any case.

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Re:

Author: Rhona
Date: 05-06-03 06:33

I have been raised an Orthodox Jew but feel that maybe my beliefs are different to my parents. Simon is supportive and is a non jew, I have explained to him all that it means. I am most bothered about my parents who due to their traditional upbringing have lets just say been less than happy with the situation. I am close to my family and don't want to break up with them but want both Simon and my parents in my life. There is nothing wrong with my relationship with Simon in it's own right, it's just the external factor that is my parents. I know I am old enough to make my decisions but I don't think I should have to choose between my family and my boyfriend. There does not seem to be any support in the UK. I feel that they are telling me it is all wrong but as long as I bring up a Jewish family and celebrate the festivals. I've even broached the idea of a Kosher home with Simon, he does not mind as long as we're together. Really the quarrel is with my parents and our relationship has suffered heavily as a result. They are very into their shul and I am expected to live down the road, join the shul and marry a Jewish man. Even though I have already lived away at university for 3 years.

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Re: Interdating at 20

Author: Susan
Date: 05-06-03 13:17

Rhona,

Thanks for the clarification. It sounds as if your parents have their heart set on having a Jewish wedding. That, or perhaps they have a bad case of "Nobody-is-good-enough-for-our-daughter-itis" Pardon my asking, but are you their oldest child? Do you have any brothers? Do they actually know any young Jewish men of the type whom they would like to see you marry? Or are they simply fantasizing about the son-in-law they hope they'll get? I can well understand how frustrating it can be search for that "perfect" man!

It sounds as if things in the UK are more difficult than they are here in the US. I've never heard of anyone in my community being cut off from her parents for marrying a gentile. I think there might be hope for you and Simon, if your parents can get better acquainted with him and learn to accept him as a person. In terms of having Jewish children, you do have Jewish law on your side. Then again, twenty is rather young to quit searching yet. Few of us end up marrying the man we loved at twenty, and fewer yet live happily every after. If you do get married, it would probably be a good idea to wait a few years before you have children, if only to adjust yourselves to each other.

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Re: Ooops!

Author: Susan
Date: 05-07-03 08:36

Sorry, Rhona. I notice you are actually 22 and not 20. That's a bit more like it if you're serious about someone. Am I correct then in assuming you've exhausted all the standard Orthodox possibilities, like Aish ha Torah's dating services? Perhaps you could convince your parents if tried meeting some Jewish men that way, and then you could show them that Simon really is their best son-in-law option. Be well, and best wishes.

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Re:

Author: Rhona
Date: 05-08-03 05:23

Hi Susan
Thanks for your interest and input. In my community it is extremely rare to be disowned but it's still not pretty. I think it is the magical word time that has to be take into account. I hate to hurt my parents but I have to think of what I want, including a careful consideration of what Judaism means to me but it is not easy. I am not thinking of ring on finger just yet but I think it could be very possible so when my parents say is it possible I am honest but say I am still young etc. Tried Youth Groups but as I said not very fruitful. I am the youngest and I am their only daughter so that does not help. My older brother is 24 and is not dating, in fact has not for a while as he holds himself back like I used to. However it is very good to have as much well wishing as possible - I sincerely thank you for that.

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Re: Welcome to our discussions!

Author: Ingrid
Date: 04-21-04 05:52

I am the mother of three young woman.I live in Israel.My yongest daughter is 22years old.She recently went on a trip abroad and met a gentile from England.She is very involved and seems to have fallen deeply in love with him.She has gone to England twice to visit him and is currently staying in his home and working in England.Her sisters are very concerned and believe I have not done my parental duty (I am a widow) in condemning her involvement with this young man(30 years old)outrightl.I am at a loss as to how to approach this problem.At the moment I am researching the topic for myself but don't know how best to advice her.

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Re: Welcome to our discussions!

Author: Martha
Date: 04-26-04 18:28

Ingrid:

First, you are an adult, do not let your other daughters patronize you. When they have children, it will be their time to condemn their children for behavior they do not approve.

Second, your daughter, although young, is also an adult, and seems to economically independent as well, so you really have no control over her decisions. You are of course entitled to have an opinion and you may let her know what that opinion is. If you do not approve of her relationship you should let her know. However, it seems from your message that even though you are not thrilled with the situation, you appear to be willing to accept her feelings, and that is a good thing. You seem to be more preocupied with your other daughters' reaction, but as I told you, the way you deal with the situation shouldn't be determined by what your other daughters think or how they feel about the issue.

Keep in mind also that although your daughter appears to be seriously involved with this man, she is very young still, so this relationship doesn't necesarily means that she is headed towards a lifetime commitment to this person. At 22, there is still too much to figure out.

Last, the fact that she is involved with a "gentile" may not turn out to be as bad as you think. This website is filled with hundreds of stories of interfaith couples that have embraced judaism. I myself am a christian dating a womderful jewish man, and even though I do not feel ready to convert to judaism, I am willing to accept his faith, learn as much as I can about it, support him in his observance, and help him carry out his jewish traditions. If your daughter's boyfriend is as open minded as I am, your daughter's relationship might end engaging a person, who otherwise wouldn't be involved, in the jewish faith and culture.

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