Jewish law prescribes that a gentile cannot touch the Torah. In this age of interfaith families and increasing acceptance of patrilineal descendance, this prohibition can lead to painful situations. There are non-Jewish parents who are very involved in the Jewish upbringing and education of their children, who are active volunteers in their temple. Yet, when their involvement and efforts culminate in the Bar or Bat Mitzvah of their children, they all of a sudden become second-class human beings.
We beg to differ, and can easily explain why. Both in the Shabbat (Sabbath) liturgy as well in the liturgy surrounding the reading of the Torah, we utter "l'dor v'dor," from generation to generation. Doesn't it make sense then to honor all of the generations that have brought the child to chant from the Torah? If there is anyone who deserves to be honored at the ceremony, it is the gentile parent, for he or she has shown above-average dedication to be a link in the chain of Torah transmission through the generations.
How do we do it in our congregation? Instead of having a B'nai Mitzvah schedule where the child has to fit in, we schedule around the child and the family. Tutoring takes place at home, even at 7:00 am if necessary! And even through time zones. Although we are located in the midwest, we are currently preparing a very dedicated candidate in Los Angeles with the means of web cam and voice chat.
During the process of mastering Hebrew, we have extensive discussions with the children to come to a theme that really defines each individual child. We consider the d'var Torah, the speech in which the child can express "This is who I am and this is what I stand for," basically of more importance than following the calendar of Torah readings. For a child with a handicap, it is more important to say: "Don't assume that I am not able to do something, let me try first" rather than to cite a few Talmudic quotes on kashrut. Thus we find a Torah reading that fits the message the child wants to convey. In consultation with the child, we choose a segment of the Torah that expresses his or her theme.
This personal approach is reflected in the service itself as well. The child is not part of the service, but leads the whole service, in most cases from a prayer book that is specially created for the child for that important day.
An individually created prayer book doesn't only give a personal touch to the ceremony, it also allows for the inclusion of people who otherwise could not be honored.
Where the gentile parent (or gentile grandparent) is included in the symbolic passing down of the Torah on the Friday night prior to the ceremony on Shabbat, and the gentile parent can receive the honor of an aliyah (being called up to say the blessing over the Torah reading), for more distant non-Jewish relatives and friends the issue becomes different. Although there are honors like opening the ark that can be done by gentiles, it can happen that there are more non-Jewish friends and relatives who are important to the family than that there are suitable honors. A specially created prayer book that has extra English readings in the form of poems, quotes, stories or self-written compositions, creates the opportunity for non-Jews to be involved in the service, as they can be given the honor of a reading.
We are sure there are many out there who will totally disagree with our approach. Yet, we see it as our task to serve the Jewish people and work for the survival of Judaism. And we do that with a long-term vision. Since Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremonies are not mandatory in our congregation, but our children choose to put in the extra effort, we can do two things. We can say: "As a reward for your hard work we will embarrass your father or mother and we will make sure that this day will be unforgettable in the most negative way." Or we can say: "We think what you want to do is awesome. And we are extremely proud of you, and of your parents, who have instilled in you the desire to keep our tradition. We will make sure that this day will be unforgettable for you in the most positive way."
We will leave it up to you to judge which approach will most contribute to the survival of Judaism.
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