Rabbi Paul Citrin is spiritual leader of Temple Sinai, Palm Desert, Calif. He is the author of Joseph's Wardrobe, a children's novel on Jewish values. He is co-authoring Gates of Repentance for Young People, a High Holy Day Machzor.
Jewish Burial and Mourning Practice for Non-Jewish Relatives
Mixed marriage between Jews and non-Jews raises questions about the application of Jewish rituals and privileges to the non-Jewish relatives(1). These questions can arise when a death occurs even after decades of harmonious family life. Among the concerns of mixed-married couples are the following issues surrounding funeral practice:
- May a non-Jew be buried in a Jewish cemetery? May a Jew be buried in a non-Jewish cemetery?
- Who officiates at services for a non-Jewish spouse or relative?
- May Jews observe Jewish mourning rituals for non-Jewish relatives?
- May Jews participate in non-Jewish funerals? May non-Jews participate in Jewish funerals?
The responses to these questions are a summary of American Reform Jewish opinion expressed throughout the twentieth century (2).
Question #1 - Cemetery Burial
It is accepted practice to bury a non-Jewish spouse in a Jewish cemetery. The opinion of Reform thinkers is that the entire cemetery is not consecrated ground, but rather only the individual grave where a body rests is sacred. When others disallow the burial of a non-Jew in a Jewish cemetery, they are adhering to custom, not law. The Talmud, or body of texts that comprises Jewish law, (Gittin 61a) states that for the sake of peaceful relations, we may bury the gentile dead. Thus, Reform practice has been to permit non-Jewish relatives to be buried in Jewish cemeteries provided that there be no non-Jewish symbols on the person's grave marker. Generally, clergy of other faiths are not permitted to officiate at the interment in a Jewish cemetery.
The concept of a Jewish cemetery is an extension of Jewish communal identity and cohesion. It is, therefore, desirable for Jews to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. Yet, when a Jew is buried in a non-Jewish cemetery, a rabbi may officiate nonetheless.
Question #2 - Who Officiates for a non-Jewish Spouse?
If a non-Jewish spouse is a practicing member of another faith, a clergyman of that faith officiates at the church or funeral home. If the interment for the deceased is to be in a Jewish cemetery following the funeral, a rabbi officiates at the graveside. If a non-Jewish spouse has been part of Jewish family and communal life, but has never converted, a rabbi may officiate at the funeral and at the interment, if such was the wish of the deceased.
Question #3 - Observing Jewish Rituals for non-Jews
Jewish mourning rituals are observed for a deceased spouse, parent, sibling or child. If the non-Jewish deceased stands in one of these relations to the mourner, the mourner should observe Jewish mourning customs. Such practices are intended to support the living and to help them express their grief. They also serve to honor the memory of the deceased by those to whom they were beloved. Kaddish--the prayer extolling God that is said by mourners--then, may certainly be recited for non-Jews. Converts to Judaism may say Kaddish for deceased non-Jewish relatives.
Question #4 - Participation in Funerals
Jews mourning non-Jewish relatives and friends may attend funeral services held in a church or funeral chapel. Jews may serve as pall bearers, and may accept an invitation to speak about the deceased. In a Roman Catholic funeral, the Eucharist (Communion) may be included. Of course, Jews do not participate in receiving communion, nor do Jews kneel during the service. In certain Protestant denominations, the funeral is an occasion to witness for Jesus, with less emphasis on the life of the deceased.
Non-Jewish participation in a Jewish funeral should be limited to serving as pall bearers, and, if desired, sharing in the eulogy.
In Jewish tradition, burial of the dead is sometimes referred to as Hesed shel emet, true loving kindness. This term expresses the idea that what we do for the dead is the most sincere and selfless act of caring we can perform, since the dead cannot repay us. Burying our non-Jewish relatives in our midst and expressing our grief through Jewish mourning practice is no less an effort of true loving kindness. The act of Hesed shel emet stands as a memorial to relationships in life which bespoke love, devotion and caring. Further, our openness promotes peace among the living. If we want our beloved deceased to rest in peace, we, their survivors, must find wholeness and completeness in their death through sharing our tradition.
- A person who converts to Judaism is considered to be Jewish in every way. Here, a non-Jew refers either to someone who practices a faith other than Judaism or to someone who may participate in Jewish celebrations and communal life, but never formally converted.
- Orthodox Jewish answers to the questions above are either negative or decidedly restrictive. For more information, see The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning, by Maurice Lamm, Jonathan David Publishers, New York, 1969.
- Contemporary American Reform Responses, Walter Jacob, editor, Central Conference of American Rabbis, New York, 1987.
- American Reform Responses, Walter Jacob, editor, Central Conference of American Rabbis, New York, 1983.
- A Guide for Reform Jews, revised edition, David Polish KTAV Publishing House, New York, 1973.