At Temple Shalom in Newton, Massachusetts, our interfaith group has been a wonderful source of support and learning for about ten years. It began when our rabbi asked three interfaith couples to thrash out some kind of a meeting format, create a mailing list and see what happened. Our first meetings were very unstructured, and we spent a lot of time getting to know each other. The informal initiation ritual was telling the story of each couple's courtship and wedding. It was a time for serious bonding among group members.
Of the 15 or so original couples, most are still involved in the interfaith group, and many individual members have taken on other responsibilities. One is temple president, several are on the board of directors, several serve on committees. Others have been involved in educational programs and ad hoc committees. Rabbi David Whiman, since departed to Houston, and our temple educator Julie Vanek have continually coaxed many of us into the broader temple arena.
But we keep coming back to the interfaith group. We meet four times a year, with a potluck supper in the spring. For me, and I think for most of the non-Jewish spouses, the group has felt like a fraternity might feel at a large university: a smaller unit of belonging, a way to make the overall environment less intimidating. It is comforting to look around the temple on Shabbat or on High Holy Days and see familiar faces of people whom you have come to know dearly.
As the group matured, we moved toward agenda setting and discussion topics: the December dilemma, Bar and Bat Mitzvah, handling grandparents, religious practices at home and in the temple, who will perform interfaith marriages for our children, where we will be (allowed to be) buried, etc. Every few years, we have met with the senior rabbi, and with our junior rabbi every other year. Our temple educator has talked to the group several times about curriculum and teacher training issues that affect children of interfaith families. But no matter where we start, most of our meetings simply follow the energy of the group. And if anyone brings an issue to the group, no matter what the topic of the day is, the concern is discussed. At the end of most meetings, we share real feelings of connectedness and togetherness about our common experience of living in the uncharted waters of interfaith marriages.
The topic of conversion has been raised very infrequently by members or guest speakers over the years, and there is a strong consensus that there should be no pressure or expectation that non-Jewish spouses convert. To my knowledge, none have, although we have had several couples where the non-Jewish spouse converted prior to joining the temple. The antipathy toward conversion pressure is voiced as strongly by the Jewish members of the group, on behalf of their spouses, as it is by the spouses themselves.
Nor has the group ever shown much inclination to become political. My sense is that we never felt the need to assert ourselves as a group because we were usually well represented in temple initiatives over the years. Since our rabbi was always very inclusive and flexible, regarding every kind of temple practice, there were very few hurt feelings or insider/outsider dilemmas that surfaced in our group discussions. There were some, but they were isolated rather than systemic.
All known interfaith couples at the temple are invited to every meeting. With the rabbi's assistance, we add or subtract names from the list as people come and go. Over the years, another 20 or 25 couples have attended one or several meetings. The topic: "How to increase our membership," has been raised occasionally over the years, but the consensus seems to be away from that kind of effort; if the meetings are useful, people will come.
In the early years, the non-Jewish spouses for the most part were not strongly committed to another religion, and so their decision to raise their children as Jews, a requirement for temple membership, was not a major source of concern. In recent years, non-Jewish spouses have brought stronger religious commitments to their marriages. These marriages are more truly interfaith, and the ambiguities that arise in raising children are more difficult to resolve, as are the pitfalls when one attempts to compare Judaism and Christianity. For example, a few members of the group expressed the feeling that Judaism lacked a certain element of spirituality that was present in Christianity. Christians and Jewish concepts of "faith" have been analyzed. But these recent discussions have not been productive, and I would say it is doubtful that future meetings will look at questions of comparative theology.
Another current concern among regular members is that our cohesiveness might somehow be discouraging new members from joining. The idea of having two groups, one for the "old timers," and one for younger couples has been broached. The idea has been rejected because it creates a whole new set of problems.
Another idea to generate enthusiasm among new interfaith temple members involves meetings with more defined topics, more guest speakers, more readings, etc. There is some support for this direction, although it is not significantly different from our past emphasis. Our meeting venue, at members' homes on a Sunday night, may also be creating an obstacle to new membership, although it was precisely to make the group less formal and more welcoming that we decided several years ago to meet outside the temple. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The temple president, one of our original members, has asked the group to consider preparing written materials for all incoming interfaith couples, and perhaps provide an introductory forum for them to become familiar with the temple. There have been several volunteers for this effort, although it's moving slowly. If the need is strong enough, I suspect something along these lines will develop.
Generally, our group will probably continue to muddle along with a combination of structured and unstructured activities. It's worked fine for 10 years and I suspect it will carry us another 10. The bottom line is that group members enjoy each other, and we have developed bonds of friendship that are very satisfying.
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