Between The Lines

Reprinted with permission from the March 3, 2006 issue of The New York Jewish Week. Visit www.thejewishweek.com.

The most poignant aspect of The Jewish Week Forum last week at the JCC Manhattan on "Mixed Marriage, Mixed Message" was the tone of the questions from the large and attentive audience.

Jotted down hastily on index cards were dozens of queries, many of them focusing less on the communal and sociological ramifications discussed by the three experts that evening than on seeking advice for dealing with very real situations in the lives of the questioners.

One card read: "What would you tell a son or daughter you love deeply who wants to marry a gentile?" Another: "How would you deal with a non-Jewish future daughter-in-law who said she will raise Jewish children and even keep kosher but won't give up her Xmas tree in the home?"

Toward the end of the one-hour formal discussion featuring Steven Bayme, national director of Contemporary Jewish Life at the American Jewish Committee; Paul Golin, associate executive director of the Jewish Outreach Institute; and Bethamie Horowitz, a social psychologist and director of research at the Mandel Foundation, I glanced at the growing pile of index cards placed before me--I was the moderator--and looked around at the audience of more than 200. I realized that many were here for their own private reasons looking for answers it may have been impossible to give them.

Indeed, as soon as the program was over, several parents came over to me and to the panelists, asking how to handle impending intermarriages in their families. What could we say?

The formal discussion had been thoughtful, informative and at times sharp, framing and exploring some of the dilemmas of a community seeking to promote the conversion of non-Jews married to Jews while upholding the preference for endogamy, or in-marriage.

Golin pointed out that intermarriage was simply a reality in American Jewish life--statistics suggest that as many as half of Jews marrying in America choose a partner not born Jewish--and that the most caring and productive approach was to spend far more communal dollars on programs to welcome and embrace these non-Jews to make them feel part of the community.

Bayme, on the other hand, said that while such outreach was laudable, the communal emphasis should be on asserting that endogamy was the clear goal of the Jewish community. He said that time-honored Jewish rituals and practices should not be sacrificed or diluted in an effort to accept non-Jews, such as calling non-Jewish spouses to the Torah during Shabbat services or permitting Christmas trees in the home where children are being raised as Jews.

One sensed that the audience connected more with Golin's message than with Bayme's approach, which he himself acknowledged was not politically correct in a culture promoting diversity and tolerance. Horowitz, the researcher, sought to emphasize that intermarriage was an outcome of assimilation, not the cause, and that there is a lack of communal consensus on issues of intermarriage and conversion.

What is clear is that intermarriage is a growing reality and that new strategies are needed to deal with it, underscored by the recent calls of the leaders of the Reform and Conservative movements for conversions within their ranks of non-Jews married to Jews.

But why should these spouses convert, particularly if they are already welcomed into the community?

The primary motivation for conversion cannot be to satisfy some numerical goal to relieve the anxieties of communal leaders worried about Jewish survival. Rather it should be because a Jewish life has so much to offer spiritually, socially and personally. We must do a better job of creating a culture that promotes the benefits of living Jewishly.

What's more, we should consider initiating an interim status for people considering the path toward conversion based on the biblical ger toshav, the stranger in our midst, whom we are commanded to treat with respect and tolerance.

In 21st century America, the ger toshav would be someone who, while not ready to step into the circle of full Jewish practice, is living within our midst--as is literally the case of non-Jews married to Jews. It should be someone prepared to abide by the seven Noahide laws (those commandments Judaism teaches that all people are bound to follow, like not worshiping idols, murdering or stealing), and willing to give up the rituals and practices of one's native religion. In practical terms, that would mean saying no to a Christmas tree in the house, for example, or to raising children in two religions.

Some rabbis already are exploring new definitions and rituals. On Yom Kippur, Janet Marder, a prominent California rabbi and former president of the Central Conference of American Rabbis (Reform), asks non-Jewish spouses to come up to the bima, where she blesses them publicly.

Dan Levin, the rabbi of Temple Beth El (Reform) in Boca Raton, Fla., says he is "seriously wrestling with what intermarriage means today." While he has not officiated at intermarriages, he says that non-Jews who are married to Jews and raising Jewish children deserve to be "sanctified and celebrated for the sacrifices they make, and for their gift to the Jewish people." He is thinking of initiating a private ceremony in the sanctuary to honor those non-Jews he considers living ger toshav lives.

Whether such rituals will increase the number of non-Jews who convert remains to be seen, but formalizing the status of these people would signal our acknowledgement of their steps toward Judaism, a way of saying we appreciate the efforts they have made and that we are prepared to welcome them into a full Jewish life if and when they are ready.

The message would also be that we recognize the demands on these individuals, and on us, and we hope they will see becoming a Jew as a privilege as well as a responsibility.

Gary Rosenblatt can be reached by e-mail at Gary@jewishweek.org.

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