The Road Taken

A joke my husband and I tell is that we attended interfaith groups for so long because we always failed the course. In other words: we couldn't come to an agreement on how to raise our children religiously.

We joined our first interfaith group shortly before we became parents in 1995. I saw an ad for a couples group at the 92nd Street Y, in New York City, where we then lived. My husband, who is Roman Catholic, agreed to attend after he had contacted the archdiocese and not found any services for interfaith families.

For us, what's most important in interfaith groups is the other participants. Among the 10 or so couples in that 92nd Street Y group, we were the only pair already married. However, numerous weddings were imminent. The group members quickly developed into supportive peers and shared many hopes and frustrations about intermarriage… as well as frustration with our leader, who often arrived late and had difficulty remembering our names and stories. But, the group was cohesive, and for a time we organized social events (planned by group members) and even a weekend at the beach together. A decade later, we still exchange holiday cards and occasional calls with two of the families.

When we moved to New Jersey in 1996 with our one-year old daughter, we found the Pathways program. There we met couples in situations like our own and have remained in each other's social circles for nearly 10 years. In Pathways we also found dedicated staff and caring professional support for our family. The program's openly stated mission was to encourage families to raise their children Jewishly; no surprise, as the program was supported by the Jewish federation. However, the nonjudgmental atmosphere at meetings encouraged participants of any religion to speak freely.

The couples' meetings  were led by Pathways director Lynne Wolfe and a social worker. We had a core group that attended meetings, usually held monthly, for about three years. Often, we discussed holiday rituals for Jews and Christians--and it usually resulted in the Christmas tree question: to have or not to have, if you were trying to raise Jewish children. So much discussed was the tree issue that when it was inevitably raised, there were groans in the room. But the tree, besides a Christmas tradition, is a symbol of complex interfaith issues.

Another common theme was: winners and losers. If a single faith was chosen for the children, then the other spouse had to cope with the loss of their religion in the family. Our group's social worker often spoke, with great sensitivity, of the importance of giving children a religious identity in one faith while balancing respect for the beliefs of the other parent. As we progressed in our journey I became increasingly tenacious about having our daughter, who was adopted in China, raised Jewishly. Factors, I believe, that helped sway my husband were that the Jewish people are a minority facing potential extinction and the lack, attributable to the Holocaust, of any descendants in my maternal family.

Listening and responding to the frustrations expressed by other people in the group helped us to tolerate and seek to resolve our own situation. The couples who stayed the longest in the group were those who are trying to raise Jewish children. We still celebrate Jewish holidays and lifecycle events, like a recent Bar Mitzvah, with some of those families.

Pathways enrollment was never huge--few families, I've observed, are willing to grapple with interfaith issues in an open forum. For us, the discussions, especially in the couples' group, inevitably led to more heated and emotional conversations on the ride home! However, my husband is always open to learning and in our years attending interfaith groups, I believe he never found Judaism to undermine his Catholic beliefs.

As our older daughter approached school age my husband and I decided to enter Pathway's family program, which gave us a chance to learn about Judaism as a family. We met on Sundays, once or twice a month, and if a family chose they could attend for two years.

While the children learned about holidays through crafts and stories, the parents often talked with guest speakers. Several rabbis came to speak about various holidays and the history of the Jewish people, and we were visited by Jewish educators. We had the chance to learn about Judaism and to ask questions. Gaining familiarity with the Jewish religion definitely helped us to make the decision to raise our children in the faith. We also met with couples who had made the interfaith journey and now had grown children, adding another perspective on our situation.

The family program met at a Reform temple where Rabbi Donald B. Rossoff introduced us to the sanctuary, even unrolling the Torah (sacred scroll) across the laps of the children. At Sukkot the rabbi invited us to his home to help assemble the sukkah (outdoor structure) where his family would have meals during the holiday. After the sukkah was built, we learned about rituals for the holiday: waving the lulav (palm branch) and smelling the fragrant etrog (citrus fruit), followed by a dinner of festive foods. All of our senses were engaged in learning about Judaism.

Pathways gave us a framework for understanding Jewish beliefs and rituals: We "practiced" Shabbat (Sabbath) candle lighting and prayers and held "mock" Passover seders (ritual dinners) with specially prepared family haggadot (books that tell the story of Passover) at our table. The Pathways haggadah is great for young children and we used it for years at our Passover table.

So, in a warm and supportive atmosphere we learned about Judaism and slowly, incrementally, decided to raise our daughter (we had one child then) Jewishly.

After our two years with Pathways and a moving graduation ceremony, we began to consider joining a synagogue. We knew of a Reform temple in our area that welcomed interfaith families and attended an open house for prospective members. My husband talked with the temple president and the rabbi to learn about the congregation. Seeing my enthusiasm, coupled with the fact that the religious school was about to begin for the year, my husband agreed to the temple membership. Despite his wariness, I reasoned with him that we needed to continue Rachel's religious education. As a family, we had already brought Judaism into our home and synagogue membership was the next step in the journey.

We joined Temple Ner Tamid (eternal light) in Bloomfield, N.J., when our older daughter, who is now almost 12, was in first grade. At the time, I don't think either of us realized how much the synagogue would become a part of our lives.

Our synagogue has many interfaith families, multiracial families and Jews-by-choice; we are interfaith and our two daughters were adopted in China. Since we joined, about five years ago, my husband has become increasingly comfortable at services and temple events. This Rosh Hashanah he took our five-year old daughter to the Tot Service on his own, and I went to the Youth Service with our older daughter.

For me, Pathways awakened my Jewishness. After not knowing--literally--an aleph from a bet (Hebrew alphabet) all my life, a Pathways teacher encouraged me to learn the language of our prayers. She even gave me a set of self-teaching books which set me on the path… Some four years later I had an adult Bat Mitzvah and continue to deepen my understanding and love of Judaism.

Sadly, Pathways was dismantled by the Jewish federation in our area. I don't know where our family would be now religiously without the years of interfaith support, wide-open ears and Jewish teaching we had in Pathways.

From generation to generation: With the longtime support of a meaningful outreach program, we are following the road of Jewish belief taken by my ancestors and walking toward our daughter Rachel's Bat Mitzvah in 2008.