When my husband read an early draft of this essay, he asked, "Why doesn't her partner have to support our daughter? After all, they agreed to raise children as Jews." What does it mean to raise a Jewish child?Go To Parenting
Reprinted with permission of j. the Jewish news weekly of northern California. Visit www.jewishsf.com.
A year ago, my religiously confused interfaith child, then a kindergartner, asked, “Can we have a St. Patrick's Day party and you can hide the oxen and I can find it?”
I had the same look on my face as you must have now--no idea what she was talking about. After some lengthy but gentle interrogation I realized she was actually asking about Passover and hiding the afikomen. It was now quite obvious to me that the time had come for us to find a Jewish community, a place where she might not only hear but understand what words like afikomen really meant. Obviously, we weren't doing such a good job on our own.
I had been tentatively looking at congregations in the East Bay ever since my daughter started asking religious questions. When the inquiries were at the preschool level--“Can matzah balls bounce?”--it was easy, but I knew it would soon go beyond my comfort level.
My husband, who is not Jewish, was supportive of my decision to raise a Jewish child, but I didn't feel “Jewish enough” to do so on my own. We weren't connected to many other Jewish families, and my parents and relatives didn't have the large Passover seders of the past anymore. We were on our own. Serving matzah at Easter brunch didn't seem enough to me. I wanted a Jewish community, so rather than move to Manhattan, I set out to find a congregation.
Reform would be perfect for us, I had originally thought. My husband would feel more comfortable and my daughter liked that one of the rabbis wore a pretty dress. I liked the ethnic diversity of the crowd, the inclusion of same-sex couples. “This is my synagogue,” I'd tell myself as I tried it out. “These are my people,” I'd think as I sat at the Hanukkah dinner, watching the puppet show with my daughter, later eating latkes at a round table with people we did not know. Strangely, no one at our table knew each other either, and I realized the limitations of a large congregation. My daughter and I are introverted by nature, easily lost and quickly overwhelmed. Maybe a smaller place would be a better fit for us?
I don't think I would have even looked at a Conservative synagogue if it hadn't been for our friends, also an interfaith couple. We were reassured knowing that there was at least one other couple mumbling along to “L'cha Dodi” because we didn't know the words. We'd visited a few times for rock 'n' roll Shabbat; yes, imagine, if you will, the rabbi on electric guitar, with trombonist, keyboards and percussion and backup singers. Certainly not the synagogue of my childhood.
The praises of the kindergarten school teacher at Temple Beth Abraham in Oakland had been sung loudly by many. “Your daughter can't miss Dawn's class,” they said. I had to meet her.
So, after my daughter's St. Patrick's Day/Passover oxen/afikomen confusion, I took it as an omen and arranged for a trial run in the afternoon kindergarten Hebrew class at Temple Beth Abraham. The rabbi played his acoustic guitar and sang and joked with the kids and he obviously loved these children. Back in the classroom they made art, with real paint that stained. My daughter was immediately riveted. She wanted to stay. And for me to leave.
Plus, she was the second tallest in the class! Miss Petite will never be the second tallest in anything else, so I signed on the dotted line, wrote out a check and, in the “Why I wish to join the temple” box, wrote that I hoped to “explore my Jewish roots and be a part of a Jewish community.” I did add that their rock 'n' roll Shabbat truly rocks.
We were members in time for Purim and the rabbi was Rabbi M&M (strikingly resembling rapper Eminem). That last “m” was a Hebrew “m”--a mem? Whatever it was, it looked nothing like an “m,” more like a backflipped “q.” (See how I knew nothing? I needed to be sitting there in the tiny chairs in Hebrew class doing art with paint that stains.)
The rapping rabbi cannot only carry a tune, but he infuses fun and excitement into what I remember as being an experience of terminal boredom.
My daughter has learned a lot in a year, and I have, too. Which is good, because Passover's next, oxen and all.