Article Discussion: Bat Mitzvah Battles With My Atheist Husband

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[Unregistered]

Why is the girl being lifted up like that.  Is she getting married?

[joyce cohen]

How do other non-Jewish spouses deal with the anger over the costs of a bar mitzvah?  I believe it is immoral to elevate a fancy party over college costs, but my husband's family seems to equate a party with the religious experience.  How do I get over the anger at this party=religion attitude?  Even the synagogue is using it as a money maker, charging me $125 to put my homemade cookies on a plate for the oneg.  My husband's family's obsession with spending money on a party dilutes the entire religious experience for me.  Why is spending college fund money on a party so important?  Catholics invite the family home for a home-cooked lunch, but apparently that is considered gosh.  How do I deal with my anger that a home party is good enough for Catholic religious events, but Jewish ones must be catered so as not to lose face?

[C Wise]

While reading I could feel the tension of the situation. It's not an uncommon dilemma as many families feel that by not spening more, they are somehow "cheating" their son or daughter. I think its nice that your family was able to help with the music and photogrpahy. I know personally that invitations alone can cost over $500. With Bar/Bat Mitzvah becoming as big or bigger than weddings in terms of $ spent, its hard to scale that down for your child, when others in the area are going "all out". I encourage other by telling them that more emphasis should be put on the spiritual and personal importance, rather than how big or elaborate the party was. This Bat Mitzvah sounded wonderful and memorable. I am glad to have been able to read about a very real situation and the highs and lows of having a child become a Bat Mitzvah. (Mine still have a little while)

[PhxMom]

When my son became a bar mitzvah, it was the community that more or less picked up the tab because I had nearly died a couple of years before and had a serious health condition.  His suit was donated, as was the cake.  The temple only charged us $100 for the facilities.  The Social Action Committees of two congregations provided the food, linens, and tableware.  I never will forget their generosity.
(And my son was lifted on a chair, as well, in celebration.)

[morissa fregeau]

@joyce - when I grew up my bat mitzvah party was in the basement with hotdogs and hamburgers.  The adults had a few more fancy things, all made by my mother and friends.  It is not gosh to have family to the house.  For my son's bar mitzvah, he did not want it at a synagogue and he had it on a sunday morning at Camp Ramah and we had a barbecue lunch after.  We spent about $2000 in all, which included making our own siddurs.