worried about causing friction (piog)

[stacy a]

in a nutshell:

i am Jewish and my husband was raised Catholic but ever goes to church and only celebrates the commercial versions of the Christian holidays. When we were dating I openly discussed my lack of faith in any higher power. that said, now that we have children, I am very attached Judaism. I want to become more observant but I feel like he will be threatened and resistant. i don't know what to do. both of our children are Jewish. we light the candles every friday and i take them to Shul with me when i can go. he is ok with that. i hint oncein a while that it would be wonderful if he would convert. i asked him once if he would come to shul just to see what its all about and his immediate response was, will you come to church? (which i have done for him several times in the past). i dont know what to do. i dont want to cause any more problems in our marriage but i cant get rid of the desire to become more observant. big nutshell, i know.

[stacy a]

*never goes to church

[Andrea2]

Take a look at the blog entry on the battle between the divorced couple over whether the man can take his kid to church. He claims he converted just to make his inlaws happy and is now going back to Catholicism and his ex-wife is furious and got a restraining order. That's a good example of a worst case scenario of what could happen if you pressure your husband to convert if he doesn't want to, doesn't believe in the religion for its own sake or feels you're being pushy.  Your best case scenario is that he might like it and decide to convert on his own if he does go with you to synagogue. But you don't say whether HE believes in God. He may not practice his faith all that often but that may not mean he doesn't believe in God and the Trinity and the Christian tenets deep down.I'd suggest that you look at marriage counseling to help you navigate this.

[Nancy]

I am speaking from the perspective of a woman who has been married over 30 years and whose son became a bar mitzvah at age thirteen, seven years ago.  This may be of help to you as you state that you are raising your children as Jews.
While I have yet to take steps to convert to Judaism, it is the religion that I embrace.  We joined a reform temple that welcomed interfaith families when our son was four years old.  I insisted upon this step as one not only essential to identity, but as an anchor to guide his actions and emerging view of the world.  

At present, our son is ambivalent about religion.  Yet, I am confidant that when he makes choices in his life they will not be influenced by the outer trappings of a religion.  He is familiar in varying degrees with santa, a Christmas tree ( pine, fir or fig), the Easter bunny, Chanukah gelt, Christmas eve feast with family (minus the mass ), the Passover seder (last night), and Easter dinner at Grandma’s (a special meal that includes leavened  bread).  All have ‘sparkle’, but we molded the depth to which each is experienced as part of culture, spirituality, and family.

I would suggest that you forego the mention of conversion, but embrace the traditions that you, alone or with your husband, create within your nuclear family.  For instance, you light the candles on Friday (My husband chose not to do so; I did try to encourage him during the years of Sunday school and Hebrew school.).  We all know that children remember what is patterned for them.

Finally, I want to share with you this warm memory.  One Rosh Hashanah, the rabbi called upon a group of adults to participate during the service.  He requested that the parents who are non-jews and electing to raise their children as Jews join him for a special blessing at the bemah.   His action spoke to how important it is to value one another as well as to teach values.      

[Kohenet Ketzirah]

I've so been there.  I'm Jewish, husband's not.  I was NOT religious or observant when we met.  It's been a slow progression over the years.  I've found that certain things freak my husband out.  Others, he's been fine with.  Kashrut is the stickiest point in my house.  But, I find that if I go slowly he adapts to my new levels of observance and even becomes really supportive.  Sometimes it's a challenge for me to have to wait.  Sometimes it's kind of annoying.  But -- I love him and am committed to my marriage.

We don't have kids, so that part is much easier for me.

My advice -- go slowly and explain as much as he is willing to listen.  Then you have to be willing to listen to him.

Yasher Koach - May You Have Strength.

[KM]

Catholicism isn't that different from Judaism if all he's used to is the commercial holidays. Even the mass is very similar to what goes on in shul -- just take Jesus and the Holy Spirit out of the equation. I cannot imagine him being super opposed to exploring it unless he's had a bad Catholic experience, in which case I'd remind him that this is Judaism, not Catholicism. Good luck!