interfaith marriage

[Sara]

My jewish daughter is marrying a non-jew and we are having a very hard time about it specially my husband who is the son of holocaust survivors. He has agreed to go to the wedding, they are planning to have a jewish wedding even though he is not converting. My husband doesn't want to walk her down the aisle or have much to do in the wedding. Is it right to go but not be a part of anything?

[DS]

Sara,
I suspect your daughter will be very hurt if you don't participate - and it will probably color her relationship with you both and her husband's relationship with you both for a long time to come.  I don't know all the research, but it seems that interfaith families who were welcomed by the Jewish Community have a better chance of remaining engaged in the community.  It seems like your daughter and her husband are willing to consider being apart of the Jewish community since they are having a Jewish wedding.
And while I hope they do become a part of the Jewish community, I'd imagine that as her mom and dad what's most important to you is that they remain engaged in your community -- your family.
Please understand I'm not implying that your feelings aren't important, but I think not participating will create more difficulties. Good luck!

[Beth]

It must be very painful for you to deal with this issue, but (as a non-Jewish person who married a Jew) I would encourage you to be as accepting as you can. At times, the Jewish culture can make outsiders feel very unwelcome. Although you may have issues with your new son-in-law's choice of religion, do your best to welcome him as part of the family and make the issue of religion a separate one. The wedding is the first event where you can show your acceptance and I think you will find that reaching out to him and showing him love, will set the stage for a healthy relationship in the future.

[SHF]

When I try to picture how it would have felt if either set of parents had done this to my husband and I at our wedding, I feel very hurt.  I don't see a difference between refusing to come and coming but refusing to participate.  It is still a very clear rejection of your daughter's marriage and of your future son-in-law and his family.  

If you and your husband can't support and celebrate with your daughter and her husband, you obviously have every right to make that decision.  But, if you're looking for some kind of compromise and way to support your daughter, I don't think that showing up but not participating is it.

[Debbie B.]

Sara,

You and your husband can't stop your daughter from marrying a non-Jew, but you can give her negative associations with Judaism if you refuse to participate in the wedding. Look to the future: Do you want her to remain connected to Jewish life and raise her children as Jews? If so, then you should be careful that Judaism does not become a wedge between you and your daughter.

I do understand your pain. Ironically, I worry about my children' intermarrying myself even though I was not Jewish when I married my husband. See my article "Do As I Say, Not As I Do":
http://www.interfaithfamily.com/relationships/parenting/Do_As_I_Say_Not_as_I_Do.shtml
or
http://tinyurl.com/c7k4d3

But I can offer you this encouragement: it IS possible for your daughter to have a Jewish household even if her spouse is not Jewish. I would avoid doing things that would make that less likely to happen. Your daughter is not rejecting you by intermarrying even if it may feel that way. If that were the case, she would have eloped and would not be asking you to participate in the wedding at all. Please do not let your hurt feelings cause you to do things that she could interpret as a rejection of her marriage and even of who she is herself.

You might also check out articles on this website by Juliet Stamperdahl about her intermarried family in an Orthodox community.

[Dana]

I am very interested in this discussion as my son, a Christian, wants to marry his Conservative Jewish girlfriend.  He is a non-believer in organized religion but has been going with her to services, supports her religious identity and is willing to raise any kids in the Jewish faith.  She, however, says that bc she is Conservative, he must convert in order for her to marry him.  Is there a solution to this problem in which they can have a Jewish wedding and satisfy her wishes w/o compromising his?  It seems to me that he is agreeing to almost everything she wants and she is not compromising at all.

[DS]

Please don't take this as being confrontational (so hard to get the tone right in an email!): Does your son have a problem with his compromises or do you?   If he doesn't have a problem with these compromises, then since he is an adult you have to allow him to make his own decisions.  If you are concerned about the compromises he is making, you can tactfully raise them once, but ultimately it is up to him and if he is fine with it you can let it go with peace of mind.

A wise person told me that marriage was about equality, but that doesn't mean 50/50 on everything.  If religion is important to her, but not him, maybe this is an area where he 'gives' more.  Perhaps there is another area of their relationship where she is 'giving' more.  It's very hard to make judgements from the outside.

A Conservative Rabbi will most likely not marry an interfaith couple (I'm not 100% sure of the movement's stance on this).  There are Rabbis associated with other movements or who are not associated with a movement, who will marry an interfaith couple.  If your future daughter-in-law has a strong bond with her rabbi, that may be part ofthe reason she is advocating conversion.  Conversion is a big decision, but it isn't my place to comment on should he/ shouldn't he - so I'm not going to.

[heather]

Sara-

it's understandable that you and your husband are upset that your daughter's marrying a non-Jew. especially since your husband lost family in the Holocaust. but if you go to the wedding and refuse to participate then it's going to draw as much attention as it would if you decided not to attend at all. this is one day out of their lives (and yours); you must be there to show your support even if you don't agree with the choice she is making. Debbie B. makes some excellent points; you should read through some of the articles on here...particularly the one about Juliet (the Orthodox woman who married a non-Jewish man from Norway). they might offer some insight on how to prepare yourself for your daughter's wedding.

as for the woman whose son wants to marry his stringently Conservative girlfriend, your son should be certain that conversion is something he truly wants and isn't being pressured by her just for the sake of appearances.

[Ketzirah]

Like everyone else I totally understand why hour family is upset. But, not participating may not just alient alienate ate your daughter, but also your son-in-law.

Your daughter is Jewish, so whether or not she has a Jewish wedding -- her children (if they have them) will be Jewish.  If your son-in-law is alienated from Judaism by the family's response to the wedding, he may be less than supportive in raising the children Jewish.

I'm in an interfaith marriage. I'm Jewish, and fairly observant, and my husband is Christian (non-practicing).  His openness to Judaism has allowed me to grow in my faith dramatically since we've been married.

Dana -- Most Conservative Rabbis will not perform interfaith marriages.  If your son's fiance wishes to be married in her denomination, then he may have to convert.  If she wants to have a Jewish Marriage under Jewish law, the same is true.  Many reform, reconstructionist, and renewal Rabbis (or Kohanot) would perform their wedding ceremony.  It's usually just adjusted for interfaith couples.

[Robin]

Hello All,

The Rabbinical Assembly (RA), the international association of Conservative rabbis, does not allow its members to officiate at interfaith weddings.  Anecdotally, I have heard more Conservative synagogues are welcoming of interfaith families.  To learn more about the official stance of the RA, here is a link to their teshuvot, or official responses or interpretations of Jewish law:

http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/teshuvot/teshuvotssi.html
(The teshuvot on interfaith families are largely located in the interpersonal relation section.)

Conservative leaders wrote more about approaches to interfaith families here:
http://www.uscj.org/Approaching_the_Inte6907.html

As Ketzirah wrote, many rabbis do officiate at interfaith weddings, depending on their personal beliefs and whether the movement to which they belong approves.  To find a rabbi or cantor to officiate at wedding, please fill out this form:

www.interfaithfamily.com/findarabbi

Shabbat Shalom,
Robin

Network Director
Interfaithfamily.com